12. Julie
Julie
“The course of true love never did run smooth.” – William Shakespeare
“ J ulie bean!” Jacob’s booming greeting shakes the pictures on my walls, and I shake my head at his usual antics.
“Jacob,” I greet him but apparently it isn’t good enough because the smile he always wears drops off his face that instant.
“What’s wrong?” He’s over my counter instantly, his hands gripping my shoulders while he hunches to look into my eyes.
He must find the distress I’ve been feeling because in a flash I’m no longer at the counter and he shouts to my employee that we’re taking a break.
Jacob hauls me out back and sits me at the colorful staircase. “Talk to me.”
“Owen said I’m meeting his parents tonight.”
“Whoa, what? And what do you mean he said you were?”
“He said we made those plans earlier today when he saw me with Griffin in front of the fire station. I was just confirming with Griff that he’s coming over tonight to see my radishes and Owen was all like you already have plans, remember?
” I try to mimic his voice, but it sounds way too deep and hysterical.
Jacob’s brows are at the hairline. “There’s so much to unpack in that word-vomit,” he states with stupefied wonder. “Okay, we’ll get back to you showing your radishes to Griffin.”
With a groan, I slump forward, bracing my arms on my knees and bury my face in the palms of my hands. Jacob pats my back patronizingly. “It’s okay, I show my eggplant to women all the time.”
“Shut up.” It comes out muffled, and he chuckles.
“Okay, one crisis at a time. I had no idea you were that serious with Owen!”
“Neither did I.”
“What?”
“I mean…” I straighten up and then release a long sigh. “I like him. I do. And we’ve been getting along okay. And the dates have been okay. And he’s been good to me. And…” I trail off, and Jacob picks up my sentence.
“And it sounds like I’m about to fall asleep here.”
“I should feel more, shouldn’t I?” I turn my head to look at my friend. “But maybe I shouldn’t be picky at my age.”
“Whoa!” Jacob frowns, putting his hands up. “What the fuck? What age? Are you seriously trying to tell me right now that you are willing to… settle ?” He utters that last word with utter distain and the worst part is, I feel the same way.
I’ve never wanted to settle. That word doesn’t even belong in my vocabulary.
But I also hate hurting people. Hate. It.
How am I supposed to tell Owen I don’t want to have dinner with his parents yet? He’ll be disappointed and hurt. Will he want to keep seeing me?
Do I want that?
“What do I do, Jacob?” I plead with him.
“Julie bean, look at me,” he says sternly, and I do as I’m told, finding gentle, soft eyes waiting for me.
“You’ve never asked me that question before and you shouldn’t be now.
That’s not you. I don’t know what’s going on, what’s got you all messed up, and I want to know that part, but I never had to tell you what to do.
” He frowns. “You’ve always followed your own path, your own way, why stop now? What is your heart telling you?”
I look out toward the ocean and the curling waves that are no more than scribbles from all the way here.
My heart…my heart’s been set on one person since I was eight years old, but unfortunately my heart and my path in life are not aligned.
But…could I live with a lie? Could I live my life in peace and harmony knowing my heart doesn’t belong to the man sleeping next to me?
No, Jacob’s right. I never had to voice that question because I’ve already had all the answers. They are just not the ones I’d prefer, but that’s life. And I’ll have to make the best of it. I always do.
“See? I knew you’d figure it out,” Jacob says softly, and when I glance his way, I find him watching me—without a doubt reading all the epiphanies I’m having right off my face.
“I hate hurting people,” I murmur, and Jacob nods.
“I know, but it will hurt a fraction of what it could later in life. Right now, you might deliver a sharp sting, but a few years and babies later, it could become an incurable disease that was left untreated for too long.”
“Look at you, using your medical knowledge to deliver life lessons.”
“What? Did you think I was just a pretty face with cute rubber ducks and shark slides? Nope, I also perform the best hair flips.”
“May God bless the woman you end up with.” I shake my head while a smile warms my face.
“Why does everyone keep saying that? I’ll be the perfect hubby.” He beats his chest.
“I have no doubt, Jackie.” And I mean it.
“Get in here.” Jacob opens up his arms for me to come in for one of his bear hugs and I do just that. “Now, tell me what’s really going on.”
“Griffin is back.”
“ Yeahhhh , and?”
“I’ve been in love with him since I was eight years old.” For the first time, I admit it to someone who’s not my diary.
“Ah, now the whole radish peep show makes more sense,” he jokes, and I slap his chest. “Ow, since when did you get violent?”
“I really did invite him to see my radishes grow and lettuce and tomatoes! They are so big already! And he was excited to see them”
“I’m sure he was,” Jacob murmurs quietly.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing,” he answers too quickly, making me frown. “Then call him and tell him your evening freed up. It did free up, right?”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “It’s not fair to Owen. He’s not the bad guy here. He’s just not my guy.”
“Nope, he’s not. But I have a feeling you’ll be all right.”
“You think so?”
“Mm-hmm. You should make that call.”
Hours later, after canceling the dinner with Owen and having a heart to heart with him about us, I’m sitting at my window, staring at my phone.
Owen wasn’t happy obviously, and wanted to try still make this relationship work but I can’t. It’s not fair to him or me, and hearing his pleas tore my soul apart. Sweet daisies, I hate hurting people. I nearly gave in, nearly agreed to another date because I felt so bad. But I didn’t.
Because Jacob is right, it’d hurt less now. Yet it doesn’t take away from the fact that right now I feel horrible. I felt dirty and disgusting like I’m the worst human on this planet.
I hate being mean. Life is so much easier when you get to be nice and smile all the time.
Now I’m staring at my phone because all I want is to feel the comfort of being near Griffin. I don’t need it to be anything more than just the simplicity of his presence. It’s all I’ve ever had from him, and it was more than enough all these years.
I just want him to be here, and maybe it’s time to woman up about it.
Just then a knock sounds on my door. But before I can get my hopes up, my mom walks right in without waiting. “Julie?” she calls out.
“Right here, Mom,” I call back. “What are you doing here?” Last we spoke today, she mentioned having dinner with friends tonight.
“I had a feeling I needed to come see you.” She crouches and sits right next to me, her caramel blonde hair falling over her arms and back as her natural stone bracelets crinkle. “What’s wrong?”
“I had to hurt a good person today.”
“Did they deserve it?”
“No.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Because that was the best solution.”
“Spill, honey.”
“It was Owen.”
“Ah.” Mom nods in immediate understanding. Mom and I have a great relationship that is more than just mother-daughter. She was my only friend until Jacob came to Loverly and to this day, she’s the one I trust inexplicably.
“Yeah.” I turn to the ocean.
“He wasn’t your person.” I’m not surprised Mom knows this. I’m also not surprised she never shared her opinion with me. That’s Lily Lovinski for you, she believes you are meant to find your way all on your own, without pressure or expectations.
Except when it comes to my brother and his marriage status.
“No, he wasn’t,” I agree.
“I know it hurts now, but your road is just beginning, and I have all the faith in the universe it’ll be one of the most beautiful ones. Now, brighten up and tell me what it is I hear about you showing your radishes to Griffin Owling?”
“Oh, no!” I gape at my mother in horror. “Where did you hear about that?”
“Where do you think?”
I groan, slapping my palm over my face. “That’s not—”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, honey.” Mom pats my shoulder sweetly.
“Oh, I know, it’s just not what’s happening here.”
“What?” It’s mom’s turn to frown. “Why?”
“Um, because we’re just friends?”
Her frown deepens. “Why?”
“Because I’m scared.” I lay my head on my knees, looking at her.
“Of what, my love?” Mom brushes loose hairs off my forehead.
“Getting hurt again,” I admit quietly.
“Oh, honey, that’s inevitable. I just never took you for one to hide behind it.”
“What if he rejects me?”
“What if you never try? I think that’s far scarier than knowing for certain, even if the knowledge is painful.”
That is scarier…and if I can’t let Griffin live with his fears, I shouldn’t either.
I’m eyeing the now cold cherry-vanilla mushroom coffee, my eyes flickering from the cup to the door, but the morning comes and goes, and Griffin doesn’t show up.
His croissant is still sitting in the paper bag next to the cup, waiting, but it’s almost time to close for the day.
Lia is wiping down the tables, and I pour the drink out.
The seagulls will enjoy the croissant.
Maybe he was busy today and couldn’t make it? But he always showed up before, and the fact that he didn’t today is making my stomach feel uneasy.
It’s okay, Julie, he’ll be here tomorrow and all will be fine.
But tomorrow comes and goes just like the day before.
And the next day. And the day after that.
After a week of no shows, I decide to go see if everything is all right with him. Loverly Cave isn’t known for keeping secrets, so not having a sliver of news about Griffin makes me worried.