32. Julie
Julie
“Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from.” – Jodie Foster
I t hasn’t even been twenty minutes before I see those broad shoulders, clad in a white—and thankfully dry—T-shirt climbing up the small hill toward my garden on Jacob’s property.
But it’s not just him, he’s also carrying a big box of something and judging by the strain of his arms, that something is heavy. Yet when I look at his face, he’s smiling so wide and so bright, if I wasn’t already pregnant, I sure would be now.
And he’s barefoot. Just like I am.
I wasn’t sure what his reaction to the news would be, coupled with Callum’s sudden appearance, and I was downright terrified but when I felt his palm against my stomach, splayed over our baby, all fears vanished.
“Hi, Birdy. I missed you.” Griff’s smooth voice washes over me as he sets the box down and leans in for a kiss that’s meant to be just a peck but never is with us.
“Hi,” I answer, my flushed face giving away what his kisses always do to me.
In hindsight, there’s no way we wouldn’t make a baby sooner or later with this chemistry.
“You just saw me not twenty minutes ago.”
“Twenty minutes too long.” Griff bends down, laying a lingering kiss on my stomach on my heart flutters, washing over with a new layer of love for this man I didn’t know I could feel.
“Hi, baby,” he says to it. “It’s Daddy here.
You probably can’t hear me yet and I look like an idiot talking to your mommy’s stomach, but I need you to know how much I already love you and I just found out about you!
So just brace yourself for what awaits you when you come out, okay? ”
I laugh as tears fall down my cheeks and I brush my fingers against Griffin’s hair.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying, little J? Does something hurt?” Griffin starts patting and prodding me, and I laugh some more teary laughs.
“No, nothing hurts. My heart is just too full, and my emotions are way too haywire right now.”
Griffin winces. “Hm, maybe I should show you these some other time.”
“Show me what?” I ask, and he shifts, flipping open the top of the box.
There, in the heavy duty box, lie what looks like dozens of journals. Black, leather-bound, old, and worn and each one has a sticky note stuck to the front of them, with a number scribbled on it. From one to twenty-seven. Plus, the green one.
I gasp, my fingertips trapping the air between my lips.
“Is that? Are those?”
“My diaries?” Griffin asks, one corner of his lips tipped up. “Yeah.”
Tentatively, my hand reaches for one with number one on it and when I flip the cover, I gasp again. This one is loud, untamed, because I cannot believe what I’m seeing.
Sweet- daisies-holy-rosemary…
So, I guess I’m supposed to say, Dear Diary?
I shut the journal as if it’s burned me. Diary! Diary? Griffin kept diaries? The revelation is almost too much for my already spent brain, but that’s exactly what these are.
I gulp. “Griffin! These are…you want me to read them?”
“Told you I’d right the scales one day.”
He did, didn’t he? When I found out he read my diaries, he promised to right the scales. I just could never imagine it’d be like this!
“I don’t have to read these.” I brush my finger against the worn material.
“I want you to.” Griffin sits down next to me on the other side of the box.
“I want you to know every part of me, no matter how ugly, stupid, or fucked-up it is. Need you to see it all.” Griffin leans in, pressing his lips to my stomach again like he needs it.
Like our baby brings him peace and comfort.
Forget hammering, my heart is beating so wildly, I'm scared a few of my ribs around it have cracked already. My hands shake as I lift number one and thread my trembling fingers into his hair. I don’t need to read these to love every side of him.
I saw them—felt them—all these years. But if he needs it…I flip it back open, starting where I left off.
So, I guess I’m supposed to say, Dear Diary?
It seems stupid as hell. Why would I call you dear? I don’t even understand why I need to write anything in here at all, but Mom went all crazy today and said if I won’t talk to her, I need to talk to someone else.
It was either this or another yoga session.
So, what am I supposed to talk to you about?
I’m Griffin. I’m twelve and I get into fights?
How is this supposed to help me?
How is something that doesn’t talk back supposed to help me figure out my feelings. Mom’s words, not mine, so don’t get all excited.
This is pointless.
I’d rather go hang out with Cal and Luke. Maybe even see Julie too. She’s different but so cool.
I guess I can tell you a secret. Because, duh, who are you gonna snitch to? This is something I haven’t told anyone yet. Even Cal and Luke. ESPECIALLY Cal! But I think I like Julie, his younger sister.
She’s only like two years younger, so it’s all right. And she’s very pretty! I’ve always thought so. And smart! She’s the smartest girl I know and she’s not like everyone else. She smiles all the time and it’s so cool. All the other girls cry, but never Birdy.
Well, crap, now I have to hide you and stuff so no one can find out.
G.O.
My mouth feels dry. My heart is hammering in my chest. He was twelve when he wrote this. Twelve.
And on the very first entry, he shared a secret with it.
A secret about me… me ! On the same nights I sat at my desk, streets away, writing about him, he did the same.
The ten-year-old Julie on the inside is feeling giddy. He liked me! I cannot believe it, but he liked me. Griffin thought I was pretty and smart. Such a boy thing to say, to sum it up into two or three words, but it’s enough to stir the butterflies in my stomach.
I wave my fingers through his hair, running them through the thick, brown strands and he purrs from my touch.
“You liked me!” I squeal with excitement and Griff snorts.
“Understatement of a lifetime, Birdy. Keep reading.”
Eagerly, I flip the page, noting that he went back to write in it the very next day.
Not Dear Diary,
You like that? I thought it was creative! Not really, but you’re stuck with me so get used to it.
Today I did something weird because I saw Julie do it. She was walking barefoot around her backyard while Cal, Luke, and I played and when Cal told her to put her shoes back on, she asked him how the grass was supposed to talk to her if she did that?
I didn’t know grass could talk to you and I’m twelve years old!
So when I was at home, I went outside and took off my shoes, but the grass didn’t talk to me. Maybe I did something wrong?
But it did tickle me, and I liked it.
G.O.
***
Not Dear Diary,
Math sucked today. It always does, but today Mrs. Hunter had it out for me. She called on me every freaking time! You’d think she’d get a clue I didn’t have the answers after the first five times, but nope.
You think I’m mad about it, don’t you?
I should be, but guess what? She told me I needed to go get extra help with geometry and guess who she asked to help me??? That’s right! Julie! Because she’s that smart.
Should I be this happy about seeing her even though we are gonna do math? Is that normal? I think guys usually hate it, so I need to act like I do too, right?
You’re useless, you know that? No real help.
I’m off to my first lesson.
Don’t have too much fun without me,
G.O.
“Oh my goodness! I remember that day like it was yesterday!”
“Which?” Griffin asks, turning to look at me.
“Math tutoring.” I smile, shaking my head at the memory. I was such a goner for him. “I paced in front of the door for hours waiting for you.”
“Ah, yes.” He chuckles. “I didn’t pay attention to a word you said in those sessions because I was too busy staring at you.”
“No, you did not.” I laugh. “Such a liar! Your grades went up after a few sessions. Mrs. Hunter even thanked me.”
Griffin snorts. “That’s because I’d stay up for hours afterward, studying it all over again by myself. You were always such a distraction, Birdy.”
I bite the corner of my lip, not believing what I hear because back then he looked anything but excited to spend time with me.
All this seems so silly now, reading back to those days. But I remember opening the door when he knocked, so excited, I was having a real hard time reining it in and for the first two minutes before my brother showed up, Griff looked excited about it all.
I remember he flashed me a quick smile and I just about died from happiness, but then Cal walked out of the kitchen, telling me it’s unnatural to be this happy about teaching math, and Griffin’s smile disappeared.
It didn’t return for the entirety of our lesson. The first or the second or any other I had to give him.
I thought it was me. I thought he was annoyed because he had to spend time with me instead of his friends out back. But that wasn’t the case, now was it?
Griffin struggled with something far worse than math. Something I caught glimpses of as we were growing up but couldn’t fully understand in my young age, but as I flip page after page, reading entry after entry, it all becomes clear as a day.
And the farther it went, the worse it got.
But it’s not until diary number three that he opens up a bit more.
Not Dear Diary,
So, my first day back at school went as it was expected.
Yes, I got into a fight. Yes, I got sent to the office for it. Yes, Mom and Dad were not happy with me and forced me to meditate for an hour before I could go up to my room. They always say I need to let my aggression go.
But how the heck do I do that? When I don’t even understand what is it, I am angry at?
I just am.
ALL THE TIME! Just like I was in fifth, sixth, and seventh grades. Now, I’m in my last year of middle school and nothing has changed.
It actually keeps getting worse the closer we get to high school. On the inside, it feels like I’m going to die. Cal and Luke have been obsessing over girls lately or cars or where we all should leave to as soon as we can.
I should want all that too, shouldn’t I?