Chapter 15
The guilt gnaws at me as soon as I step into my apartment.
I drop my bag to the floor, the thud of my phone inside reminding me I should text Nash.
I can’t see him tonight. Not after that.
I grab my phone, my fingers hovering over the screen with uncertainty. The thought of cancelling, of what I could possibly say to him, makes my stomach twist.
I stare at the blank message, exhale slowly, then start typing.
Hey. I just got home. Raincheck tonight? I’m exhausted.
The room feels too quiet.
I sink into the sofa, the weight of what I’ve just done crashing over me as I wait for his reply.
Salem curls against my leg, a warm, familiar pressure.
I cover my face with my hands, trying to shake the memory of James and the way he looked at me, touched me, the sound of his voice when he said he wouldn’t be able to stop.
My phone pings, and I hold my breath as I read his reply.
Trouble
Get some sleep. Dream of me ;)
I picture Nash, his dimpled smile and the way he looks at me with those stupid puppy dog eyes that always make me feel like I’m the only thing that matters. He was waiting for me, and I was too tangled up with James to give him the time he deserves.
I feel horrible.
I’m in way over my head.
I need Mina. Her brutal honesty, the way she brings clarity to the chaos of my life without hesitation or apology.
Can you come over? I need you.
She must have been scrolling on her phone because her reply is instant.
Mina
On the way
With wine!
I text her back with just a heart and pick up the remote, hoping to distract myself with a mindless sitcom until she gets here.
I’m half asleep, my head resting on the back of the couch, when Mina strides in.
“Okay, spill it,” she says, marching towards the kitchen to grab two glasses.
Joining me on the couch, she pours a glass and hands it to me.
“You’re not even going to say ‘hi’ first?” I tease, trying to deflect with a sip of wine, but she’s not buying it.
“Please. You didn’t ask me over here to chat about the weather. Start talking,” she commands.
I set my wine down, my hands shaking as I try to find the words.
“I fucked up,” I say, my voice small.
She just stares, waiting for me to continue.
“I slept with Nash…and James,” I say with a grimace.
Mina gasps. “At the same time?! Honestly, Ave, I’m impressed. How was it?”
Stifling a laugh, I say, “No, not at the same time. Although I’ll be filing that image away for later.”
“That good, huh?”
I exhale. “That good. Both of them.”
She gives me a confused look. “I’m really not seeing the problem here, babe.”
“You’re not seeing a problem with me fucking my paralegal and my boss? I’ve been spiraling about this since I got home, and you’re acting like I just told you I got a manicure today or something.”
She shrugs, then takes another sip.
I bury my face in my hands. “What the fuck am I doing, Mina?”
“Living your best life?”
I glare at her, but her smile is so genuine that I can’t help but soften.
“Look, Ave. You’re not exclusive with either of them, right?”
“No, I guess not,” I admit.
“So why are you freaking out? You’re single. You’re hot. You’re getting dicked down by two sexy men. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that I work with both of them. I could get fired. How do you think it’s going to look if anyone finds out? It was bad enough when it was just Nash, but now my boss too? Oh my God, I’m the office slut, aren’t I?”
“Hey, don’t talk about my best friend that way. It looks to me like you’re finally having a little fun,” she says. “And after all that wasted time with Pierce, you deserve it.”
I bite my lip, her words both comforting and unsettling.
“I just don’t want to screw everything up,” I say, my voice catching. “Or get hurt. Or hurt anybody else.”
“Avery.” Mina sets her glass down and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You’re overthinking it. Just enjoy it for what it is. If it’s too much, you just pause and re-evaluate. But stop killing yourself with guilt. You owe nothing to these men and everything to yourself.”
I nod, trying to absorb her words. But I’m still so unsure. So afraid I’m going to ruin everything.
I pause, considering her advice. “So you think I should just…keep seeing them?”
“Why not? You obviously like both of them. And honestly, I don’t blame you. I saw James at the bar, and trust me, I get it. Nash is cute, too. Like a golden retriever in human form.”
I chuckle, warmth spreading through me. “Yeah. He kind of is.”
“You’ll be fine, babe. Just keep things casual and don’t overthink it.”
I reach for my wine, feeling lighter but still unsure.
Maybe she’s right, and I’m just making it a bigger deal than it is. Maybe I should just enjoy it. It feels like a bad idea, but everything in me wants to do it anyway. A small, reckless part of me is even excited by it all, by the rush and the risk, by the way I feel when I’m with either of them.
This is so confusing to me. I’ve always been a rule follower, and this feels like breaking all the rules. The last thing I want is to be the girl who screws up her career for a fling (or two). But I do want it. I want them.
“Speaking of keeping things casual—are you still seeing Adam?” I ask, trying to steer the topic of conversation away from my bad workplace habits.
Adam went to law school with us, and he and Mina have been casually hooking up for about a year.
“I know you’re just trying to change the subject so you don’t have to tell me all the filthy details you know I’m dying to hear.
” She side-eyes me. “But yeah, we saw each other this past weekend. He bootycalled me after he got home from the bar. Pierce managed to pass the bar exam this time, so all the boys went out to celebrate,” she says with an eye roll.
“It truly warms my heart that you hate him so much,” I chuckle.
“What are best friends for, if not praying on the downfall of each other’s enemies?” she jests, although I know she’s being completely serious.
We talk and drink until the bottle is gone, and my anxiety feels distant, tucked away behind Mina’s reassurance and the fog of alcohol. She leaves with a hug and a promise to be back with more wine and more wisdom whenever I need it.
As soon as she’s gone, the quiet settles back in, heavy and uncomfortable. I can’t believe I’m even thinking about continuing to see both of them, but the thrill of it lingers, dangerous and enticing.
I find myself thinking about Nash, how badly I wanted to see him tonight. How much I want to see him again.
I pull my phone from the couch cushions and open Nash’s messages, typing out a quick text.
I owe you a date. Are you free Saturday?
I’m about to put my phone down when it dings with a new message.
James
Get home okay?
Getting a text from James that’s not work-related is surprising, almost jarring. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting to hear from him at all.
Yes. About to go to bed.
James
Sweet dreams, Avery.
Making my way to my bedroom, my phone pings again. I change into pajamas and climb under my covers, Salem snuggling my side, and check my messages.
Trouble
Aren’t you supposed to be dreaming of me right now?
Maybe, but I’m awake and thinking about you.
Trouble
Keep boosting my ego like that and I’ll come over there to thank you in person right now.
James left me too sore to even consider having Nash over tonight, but I can still feel the heat rush between my legs at the thought.
I think I can juggle them both, but not in the same night.
Down, boy. Saturday?
Trouble
You know I’m free whenever you want me, doll.
His words make me smile stupidly at my phone. I roll over, tuck my phone beneath my pillow and close my eyes.