Chapter 34
Idon’t sleep.
I just lie on the bed, pressing my palm to my sternum, trying to quiet the overwhelming noise in my head.
I replay the night line by line all the way down to the minute both men told me they love me and asked me to choose.
How can I choose? If this were any other situation, I’d make a pros and cons list and be done with it.
But it’s not.
I close my eyes, trying to map out the last twelve months, hoping that the memories of every moment spent with each of them will organize themselves in a way to make sense of my feelings.
No matter how I sort them, what I want from each is not the same. It’s not even comparable. I love them both, but the love lives in opposite hemispheres of my body.
When I count the moments that matter most, my mind doesn’t go to the showy gestures, the grand confessions, the memories that someone would play in a montage at a rehearsal dinner. It goes to the in-betweens.
And there were so many beautiful in-betweens.
I try to imagine a world where I choose Nash, and everything is bright and loud and easy. So easy.
Then, I try to imagine a world where I choose James, and everything is calm and safe and challenging, in the best way.
I could be endlessly happy with either of them, but not at the cost of losing the other.
I picture myself beside each of them and the ache is almost violent.
I didn’t know you could grieve possibilities, but I do. I grieve every version of the future I won’t get to keep.
No matter who I choose, I lose the other. No matter who I choose…my career suffers.
And suddenly, I realize I’m in no better position now than I was with Pierce. Choosing between men and my career.
Again.
There’s no choice I can make where I don’t sacrifice more than I’m willing to give up.
I know what I have to do, or at least, what I’m not willing to do.
I text them both.
Can we meet for coffee? Tomorrow morning. 8AM.
James
Of course.
Trouble
Sure thing, doll.
***
They’re both already here when I arrive, seated at a table by the window. My heart is beating out of my chest as I approach.
The air shifts when they see me, both straightening, both trying not to betray what they’re feeling. I take the open chair, folding my hands carefully on top of the table.
Neither says a word. Nash cracks his knuckles. James’s mouth is set in a silent, relentless line.
“Thank you both for coming.” I clear my throat. “I’ve been thinking about everything.”
I make myself look at each of them, and it hurts, but I do it.
“The truth is, I love you both. I do. But I can’t be with either of you. Not without giving up a piece of myself I’m not willing to lose.”
Nash’s jaw tightens, as if he’d been bracing for it but still hoped for a different answer. James’s posture doesn’t shift, but the lines in his face deepen.
“I know that sounds selfish, maybe. But I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my dreams, my career for anyone.”
Nash nods once, biting down on a smile that never quite forms. “You’re choosing you,” he says, and it sounds like he’s proud of me, even though it’s destroying him.
“And it was the toughest decision I’ve ever made,” I admit.
James folds his hands, fingers laced tight enough to blanch the knuckles. “You know I support that,” he says, and I believe him. “I always have.”
I want to say more, but nothing I say will make this easier. I want to reach across the table and link my fingers with theirs, but I don’t.
Having nothing left to say, I push my chair back and stand.
“I’ll see you both at work.”
I leave them there, the two men I love, and step out into the cold of the morning.
I don’t look back, no matter how much I want to. It stings knowing there couldn’t be a happy ending for any of us. Maybe in another life, another universe, different versions of us are finding each other and falling into a love that lasts a lifetime. But not this one.
This one is finally just for me.