Chapter 7
Chapter seven
Seventh Inning Stretch
Godwin
I leaned back in my favorite chair and popped open a beer. Derby took the mound first. I missed the hell out of him. Maybe too much.
I’d opened myself up to him like I’d never done with anyone.
I’d never told anyone about Mr. Jackson.
Not Beau, not my parents. Mostly because I thought I would get in trouble because I’d been drinking.
It was a skewed, childish way of looking at things.
I knew that now as an adult, but it was much too late.
Mr. Jackson retired years ago, and I’d seen that he’d died a few years after.
I wanted that to be a Karma-thing, but he was older and his heart gave out.
It simply was. It made me feel safe telling Derby about it, but I still didn’t know why I had.
What must he think of me now?
He had said he was into whatever I wanted. He said he was still interested in me and acted like he wanted more, but underneath, I didn’t feel worthy of that. I felt weak, and I didn’t care for that feeling.
The camera zoomed onto his face. He was concentrating on the pitch with his nose scrunched up. He was adorable. He let the pitch fly. He was famous for his fastball. The batter swung and missed. Strike three.
I whooped out loud, even though I was alone.
If I blew it with Derby, at least I could see him on TV.
Had I actually messed up by sharing too much?
He had to think less of me. Or maybe, I’d blown it because he wanted some control.
I couldn’t be a fair partner in bed. No half and half for me.
He could fuck me, but I still wouldn’t let go.
Could he live with that? He said he could, but the truth was that no one could. Not for long.
I bit my bottom lip. A commercial was on.
Could I give him control in other aspects of my life? If we were together? I owned my own business because I couldn’t tolerate working for someone else. I never went to college for the same reason. I wouldn’t submit myself to a professor’s rules. Could I let any of this go?
If I didn’t, would I still be able to keep Derby?
I knew the answer to that, but I didn’t want to face it. I was afraid of changing for him, and then still getting my heart broken when it didn’t work. Was it better not to even try?
The commercial ended and the Mystics were up to bat. I settled into the game until Derby stepped up to the plate. He’d been doing well, still not the best hitter, but not a total liability to the team, either. This time, he got a solid hit, but they threw him out at first. My heart clinched.
I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to ease his hurts.
Was that enough?