Chapter 10 #2
I swallow my drink and try to answer while, also remaining hyper aware of Cayzor, in a way that is frankly humiliating.
The heat of him beside me. The low rumble when he answers something Chief asks down the table.
The size of his gloved hand resting near mine.
I told myself this was hormones, back in my quarters, and I’m telling myself that again now, and I don’t believe it any more than I did then.
And I’m also learning that Cayzor of Eight, the scarred, scary Fever Brother, an Illibrium miner on Timbur, loves children.
He reaches over without being asked and steadies Rux’s high chair when the boy rocks it too hard.
He allows Lia to climb half into his lap to show him something, and his harsh face goes soft — actually soft, the scar and all — in a way I’ve never once seen it, and my heart skips in my chest.
He’d be gentle with a baby.
The thought arrives before I can stop it, unwelcome and enormous, my hand drifting to my stomach again under the table.
I take another sip of water, focusing on smiling and joining the conversation around me.
And down the table, something is happening to my brother that I have literally never seen before.
Andrew is bombing.
I don’t understand it. My brother walks into a room of strangers and owns it inside five minutes, it’s his whole thing, his one true superpower, the reason crews adopt us on every planet in every sector.
He’s charming, funny and warm, and it works on everyone, always, without fail, no matter the species or posting.
It is not working here.
He’s trying, I can see him trying, telling the good stories, the grid-disaster ones, the self-deprecating bits that always land, and they’re just…
not landing. The brothers are perfectly polite.
They pass him food, they answer his questions, nobody’s rude.
But his jokes drop into these little pools of silence and then somebody changes the subject.
His best stories get a courteous nod and nothing more.
The room simply will not open to him, and I can see it starting to rattle him.
He leans harder into the charm, turning it up, and the harder he pushes the more the family seems to quietly shut down.
I don’t get it. These are the warmest people I’ve ever met. They folded me in the moment I arrived. Why won’t they give my brother an inch?
It’s when the conversation drifts to the family’s history that Andrew finds his footing again, or thinks he does.
“Can I ask,” he says, in his gentlest, most sympathetic voice, the one that’s gotten strangers to tell him their whole lives on transport platforms. “Stop me if it’s too much, but I heard about your parents.
That must’ve been… god. And is it true it was never solved?
That whoever did it just got away with it? ”
The table doesn’t go cold, exactly, but something passes between the brothers.
“It happened a long time ago,” Chief answers.
“What do you think of the meat sticks?” Trunk loudly asks me, trying to change the subject.
But Andrew tries once more, “It just seems like the kind of thing a family would never stop looking into…”
And beside me, Cayzor goes very still. He doesn’t say anything and doesn’t move, but his dark eyes are narrowed on Andrew. Uh oh. “We don’t talk about it anymore,” Cayzor announces, shutting down the subject.
My brother frowns, but then lets it go, moving on to another topic.
I decide Andrew’s just being kind, trying to connect. Being interested, the way he is, the way that makes everyone love him, and it touches me that he cares about Cayzor’s family enough to ask. That’s my brother, always wanting to understand people.
I decide that, and let the prickle go, and reach for more of Jana’s incredible food.
“Cayzor,” I ask, a little later, “can you please pass me the potatoes again?”
“Cayzor?” Hallie says, confused. “You call him Cayzor?” She blinks and looks over at her brother-in-law. “Is that alright with you, Scar?”
“Yes,” he answers. “I requested that Mara Wilson calls me Cayzor.”
The whole table is quiet for a moment, and then they nod and carry on.
Hmm. Weird. It’s true that nobody here calls him Cayzor. I’ve heard it all night — Scar, Scar, Scar, from every brother and every bride and even the kids. And I just said Cayzor, easy as anything, because that’s his name, because it’s what he gave me.
By the end of the meal, somehow, I’m one of them.
I don’t know when it happened, but there’s a baby in my arms at some point.
Naomi presses Bay into my hands so she can eat with both of hers, casual as anything, like of course I’ll hold him.
And it’s true, I’m thrilled to hold him.
Jana’s making me promise to come to the next courtyard night, whatever that is, and Hallie’s telling me a story about her first week here that has me crying and laughing.
And sadly, it’s the complete opposite for my brother. Andrew’s still there, still charming, still trying and they are polite, but he’s not being treated like family.
I can’t understand why.
They send us off warm, the brides hugging me.
Jana points a stern finger. “Courtyard night next month, you’re coming, no argument.”
“Okay, okay,” I laugh, although I have no idea if I’ll even be on Timbur next month.
“Give me your tablet,” Cayzor rumbles. I hand it over and he’s giving me his personal code. Wow.
And then it’s just Andrew and me, and the dark, and the long road back toward the transport.
“Well,” Andrew comments. “That was intense.”
“I thought it was lovely,” I admit.
“Sure. Yeah. Lovely.” He kicks a stone. “Bit much, though, aren’t they? All of them, all crammed in that fortress at the end of the world, real tight little club.” Something’s gone slightly sour in his voice, an edge I don’t recognize. “Didn’t exactly roll out the welcome mat, did they.”
He had a hard night, an off night, the first time I’ve ever seen a room not love him, and of course that stung, and of course he’s licking his wounds a little. So I let it go, because it’s Andrew and I always let it go.
“They liked you fine,” I say, and bump his shoulder. He bumps back, and by the time we reach the transport he’s himself again, easy and bright, telling me a story about Cannibal’s face when Zora threw a spoon, and I laugh.
Back in my quarters, I’m in bed still buzzing about everything that happened tonight. Mainly how I sat next to Cayzor at the table and how good that felt.
I’ve taken off the makeup, washed my face and put on the moisturizer. And now I’m in my favorite pair of pajamas. And then my tablet lights up beside me.
It’s Cayzor. Oh wow, that’s right, he gave me his personal code. And now he’s messaging me?
Are you back in your quarters?
Yes, I am here. Thank you for the lovely evening.
You are welcome here every evening for dinner in the compound with us.
And YOU are welcome here at my apartment for more lasagna, whenever you want.
And then I pause…dear gods, am I flirting? Is he flirting?
And then I feel a bit of freak out and deliberately turn off the tablet. No more of this, Mara. He’s not my future mate. He’s just a friend. And I need to remember this, always.