Chapter 5 #2
But like a battle lost before it began, running from this is futile.
I know, so innately—so deeply inside me, I believe I could have been born with it—that there’s nowhere on Earth I can go to escape this fate.
All things, even the very world we live in, must come to an end.
More often than not, endings are the only thing we can truly control.
And the thought of everyone I know and love, suffering through such misery… It physically hurts my heart. My chest pains me so much, I can feel every splintered beat of the broken heart inside me.
But I can endure this pain for my people.
If it meant I could spare them even an ounce of such massive suffering, I would sign my own life away. I’d sell my soul to the devil. I might be doing just that, but at least I’m the one signing my name in his black book.
Malak’s eyes soften, as if he can read every dire emotion overflowing from the pool I’ve been dipped in.
“I know this burden of responsibility isn’t what anyone wants in their life.
But if it’s any consolation, it’s also a blessing to receive the power to make a difference in a monumental way.
You’ll have plenty of time to process how you feel about it all, so focus on this: The only people the locust army will target are the self-serving evil, rather than the altruistic good.
There will be no neutral ground left. Everyone will be forced to pick a side.
” He slowly stands up and walks over to me, touching my shoulder lightly as I stare at the ground in concentration.
It’s taking everything in me not to burst into an ugly cry.
“You can have the power to help people, Dawn. More than you can even imagine.”
I do want to help people. Helping as many people as possible is exactly what I want. It’s just a goddamn trolley problem!
By committing myself to fighting for Malak’s side, I’m picking whose suffering I want to be responsible for.
Even if it’s the side of good intentions, I’ll become directly responsible for someone’s suffering—I’ll be pulling the lever to the trolley.
But on the contrary, if I blind myself to the opportunity I have, refusing to take action against the greater evil, then I’m still indirectly responsible for someone’s pain and misery. Someone innocent.
I shouldn’t be in the position to make these kinds of choices in the first place. I feel extremely small and insignificant, like a tiny grain of salt in the great ocean of all existence. A whisper slips out of me on its own accord, “I’m just a girl.”
“No, Kae.” The angel smiles softly down at me. “You have no idea how exceptional you are.”
Exceptional. There’s that word again. It teases me, tempting me with a promise of something greater than my mundane existence.
But at what cost? Everything I have to give?
Tears threaten to throw themselves from my watery eyes when I look up at him. “And you’re saying I have to go somewhere far away to do this? Indefinitely?”
Malak is silent in his answer, looking at me with a pitying expression. I feel it in my chest, heavy and crushing. Against my will, grief crawls inside me, taking root in the place of the darkness that once haunted my dreams.
How do you mourn the death of someone you haven’t lost yet? It hurts in a dull, sickening way, like a slow poison without an antidote. My fate was sealed the moment it entered my life, but I still have to wait for the agonizing end.
“I’m very sorry, sweet Dawn.” His voice is a gentle, delicate thing.
“Maybe we can find a way to get a letter out now and then, but I’m not going to lie to you.
I won’t promise you’ll only be gone for some specific amount of time, because I can’t possibly predict how long this will take.
I can only bring you there and enable you to fulfill the divine promise as it was written. ”
As much as it pains me to admit, he’s right.
I will fulfill the prophecy—but not for the reasons he thinks.
There’s no heavenly magic forcing me to do this; it’s simply my identity.
The kind of person I want to be, the kind of person I’ve always strived to be, is not someone who would sit by and wait for the world to burn.
Not when I have any real chance of making a difference, at least.
In that realization, my body can’t withhold the onslaught of emotions.
The pain requires an outlet, so I relinquish some of my self-control, and a miserable cry escapes me. I try my best to stifle the ugly noise, but it’s determined to echo the sound of my breaking heart. I’m free-falling into an abyss of my own—
Suddenly, I’m scooped up from my chair by powerful arms.
With a paradoxical strength and delicacy, Malak carries me to the bed, sits down, and holds me against his chest. I don’t even have time to comprehend what’s happening before I’m snuggled against him, enveloped by the comforting smell of something floral and vanilla-like. Tulips?
“It’s going to be okay,” Malak whispers in a soft, intimate voice—like an ocean in the night as it kisses the coastline.
He strokes my hair, letting its length fall over his arms in waves and tangles.
“Even if you can’t see it yet, I believe in you.
I believe in why this incredible power picked you.
It’s as clear to me as the very breath you breathe.
I can feel your soul, and it sings of empathy, compassion, and resilience.
We need a bright reminder of all that’s good about humanity.
You could be an exception to the rules that my kind have written in blood and calcified in their stone hearts. You, Dawn. Nobody else.”
In the pause of his honey-smooth voice, I can hear his abnormally strong heartbeat, beating a rhythmic lullaby under the fabric of his shirt.
I could get lost in this extraordinary feeling of being so close to him.
It’s as if I can feel the very meaning of peace, in its truest and most innocent form, radiating off of him.
I just can’t tell if it’s because of who he is as an individual or his inhuman nature.
I move to sit up, the thought momentarily troubling me.
But Malak quickly slips his free hand under my chin, coaxing me to look up at him. “Please.” His mesmerizing eyes search mine. “Don’t waste your light where there’s only shadows for you to chase away. Go where you’ll shine the brightest.”
Slowly, I nod, and he releases my face from his soft touch. Though my eyes still burn from the salty sting of my tears, I’m no longer crying.
“So, um, this Abyss you want me to go to.” I breathe out slowly, trying to remind myself of all the information I need to know. “I don’t have to fall into a literal dark hole to get portaled to an alternate reality, right? Like Alice in Wonderland?”
He laughs lightly, seeming confused. “I don’t know who that is?”
“Nevermind. How do we get there?”
After looking at me for a moment, he shakes his head, brushing off my silly human antics.
“The Abyss is reachable by only one gate, which is located in the middle of Israel. It’s unique as a subrealm in that it has a permanent physical gate, but it doesn’t take up space.
Meaning, if you were to drill down from above it, you’d never find it. ”
“So basically Alice in Wonderland, but biblical. Got it. And all I have to do is unlock the gate so the locusts can fly out? That’s not so bad.” Finally, it’s all starting to make sense! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. “You made it sound like it’d be this big, complicated journey—”
“Ah, well, hang on. The actual gate isn’t the problem. Everyone but the locusts can go in and out of it.”
I stare at him, my brief hopefulness shattered. “What? Why?”
He grimaces, pausing to think about his answer for a moment. “Imagine there’s some sort of metaphysical lock around the realm, and you’re the only one with the key to unlock it.”
“Lock and key, yes, I know. You’re not telling me anything new.” I groan, rubbing my temples. None of this makes any fucking sense. “How the hell am I supposed to remove a semi-permeable barrier to a place that doesn’t even conform to the laws of physics? I need more information.”
Rubbing the back of his neck, the angel looks away from me. “Unfortunately, seeing as you’re the only key, you’re also the only one who can know exactly how to unlock it.”
“That’ll take me a lifetime to deduce!” I throw my hands in the air.
Jumping to my feet, I begin to pace to release some of my anxiety.
“Is my presence an enzyme inhibitor? Am I the hormone that starts a signal cascade? Can I osmosis the locusts out? Surely one of your angels could figure this out faster than me!”
He watches me cross the room, back and forth. “You keep thinking like human scientists—”
“Yes, because I am one—”
“No, listen.” He stands up, trying to grab my arm to stop my pacing, but I pull it away from him with a glare.
His resulting sigh is both patronizing and exasperated.
“You need to accept you’re about to experience things you won’t have the capacity to understand.
You cannot logic your way through this problem.
It is controlled by higher powers than the laws of nature you’re used to. ”
“Well, clearly! Your wings shouldn’t be able to pop in and out of thin air! Where do the particles go when they disappear? What muscles move them?”
“Dawn.” He gives me a thoroughly unamused look. “You need to focus on understanding one thing, and that is the Abyss. Study it, learn how it works, and cultivate the power allowing you to open it. You are connected to it in a way nobody else is. An angel cannot do what you have the gift to do.”
“Now you’re just trying to make me feel special,” I grumble.
The corner of his lips pulls up on one side. “Perhaps. Is it working?”
“No.” Crossing my arms, I look away, feeling like an insolent child. “Maybe.”