Chapter 7
KAE
Grieving for the material things I’m leaving behind is inevitable when there’s a chance I’ll never see them again.
I try to distill my entire life into two fully stuffed suitcases, forgoing nearly every sentimental, functionless item I own.
Though it pains me, I throw away the shredded gloves I had on during my first motorcycle accident, which I kept as a keepsake to remember how I got the large scar on my palm.
The saddle from my first horse is now sitting in a pile of donations at Goodwill, along with an abundance of clothes I have no use for.
I would give away my entire book and video game collection, too, if it wouldn’t have made me seem too suspicious.
My organized chaos, with all the things that make me feel so comfortable at home, is effectively dead to me. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Every single moment I have to myself is poisoned by my self-destructive, raging mind.
In the afternoon, as I drive to the hospital to return my badge: If there’s a prophecy that must come true, does that mean the future is predetermined? Do I only have the illusion of choice?
When a lull falls over the kitchen table during my last dinner at home: Is God real and wholly good? If he is, then why does he allow evil to exist?
Even doing something as simple as brushing my teeth: What is Dusk keeping from me? What else is out there?
It’s all so incredibly loud.
Still, I know my anxiety isn’t entirely misplaced. My descent into the Abyss might be ahead of schedule, but the rest of the world will soon have its own shade of darkness. Any reasonable person would have trouble stomaching that as an inevitable truth.
Now, like a blurry dream, I enter the moment I’ve been dreading—my final goodbyes. I’m expecting it’ll be quick and painful, like a good vomit. I’ll let it all out, cry my tears, and then, hopefully, I can start to feel better.
My dad and Jackie walk me into the airport, each trying to be strong in their own way.
My dad is overly helpful, offering to roll my suitcases for me while he averts his glossy eyes from my attention.
Jackie, on the other hand, is all business, battering me with safety tips I won’t need where I’m going.
The lie weighs heavier and heavier in my chest with each passing moment, each half-truth I feed them.
They truly believe I’m going to be traveling across Africa, where I’ll be working with the Peace Corps as a medical assistant in underserved communities.
By the time we reach the elevator where we must part ways, my heart feels like it’s made of lead.
We stop in a quiet suddenness, and I turn around to face them both. Upon seeing Jackie’s stoic face glistening with shed tears, my determination to be strong shatters. My face burns, my throat closing with a choking sob.
My dad quickly wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. The cedar musk of his favorite cologne envelops me, reminding me of home. “It’s going to be okay, my brave little girl. I’m so, so proud of you.”
I suck in a shuddering breath. “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, sweetheart. Please be safe for me, okay?” He strokes a hand over the back of my head, letting my tears fall into his shirt.
“I know you always want to help people, but you have to take care of yourself first. Don’t forget that.
You put your oxygen mask on before helping the other passengers, yeah? ”
“Yeah. Of course.” We hold still for a long, short moment. I hate that I can’t tell him everything. As empathetic for the world as he is, he’ll always be my parent first. There’s no version of reality that he’d willingly let me sacrifice myself like this.
When I eventually pull away, I can barely make it through basic sentences. “Try not to miss me too much. I’ll be back before you know it. It’s just like college, but… a little farther away.”
He holds me by the shoulders, looking me in the eyes one last time with more love than I deserve in this moment. I can faintly see the track of a tear that fell down his face, likely getting caught in his greying mustache. “I wish your mother could see what a strong young woman you’ve become.”
My face tightens, my eyes stinging. Images of my mom in her hospital bed flash through my mind, and I close my eyes in an effort to shut them out.
As much as I wish she were still here, I can’t let myself dwell on it.
It was her death that built my resilience.
My perseverance is how I honor her. I have to remember that.
I struggle to swallow the knot in my throat. “I’m incredibly fortunate to have you two in my life.”
Reluctantly, I turn towards Jackie, my broken heart bleeding out all over again.
“You’d better write to me every chance you get, okay?” She crushes me in the strongest hug she can muster, choking the air out of me. “Don’t you dare forget about me.”
The plea in her voice pulls another sob from me against my will. My voice cracks as I whisper back, “I could never forget about you, Jackie. You’re my best friend, and you always will be. Always.”
She finally pulls back, appraising me with a half-humored, half-pitiful look. I can’t remember the last time we cried like this to each other, and I imagine she’s thinking the same thing.
“I hope you get to see a lot of cool animals while you’re there, at least,” she huffs in a shaky breath, wiping the tears off her face. “You better take tons of pictures for me. And remember: don’t get abducted, don’t get dysentery, and don’t bring back the next Ebola virus.”
The partial smile on my face fractures before falling.
I need to give her a warning as well. I wasn’t planning on it. I’m not even sure what to say. But if I don’t try, and the world goes to shit while I’m away, and something bad were to happen to them… I don’t think I could live with myself.
Maybe I can’t risk scaring my dad with a veiled warning, but my fierce, fearless best friend? Jacklynn Ellis? She can be vigilant enough for both of them.
I grab her clammy hands, making sure her back is blocking me from my dad’s view, and drop my voice to the quietest whisper I can make.
“I need you to stay safe for me, Jackie. Do whatever it takes. If something feels off, don’t just walk away.
Run. And if it comes down to it, only as a last resort, you fight. Raise Hell if you have to.”
Her dark eyebrows pull together in a mixture of concern, confusion, and dismay. “Kae—”
“Promise me,” I press. I hate that I have to seem so paranoid, but with any luck, she’ll think of me if she gets herself into a suspicious, potentially perilous situation. It has to be enough.
After another moment of hesitation, she nods. “Yeah, I promise. Of course.”
I can tell she’s sparing me a lecture on how she can take care of herself, and I appreciate it. With one more quick hug, I release her, finding some last shred of willpower to back away.
Taking one long, final look at the sight of my little family, I will myself to remember this moment like a photograph.
“I should go to TSA now.” Though my voice is uneven and I’m barely holding myself together, I still force myself to smile. This cannot be the last time I see them. They will survive, and I’ll do everything in my power to make it back to them. “This isn’t a goodbye, but a ‘see you later.’ Agreed?”
They nod, whispering some final goodbyes.
Just before I step onto the escalator, another tear slips down my cheek. “I love you two so, so much. Be safe.”
I don’t say much when I find Dusk waiting for me just past security. He chatters some at first, clearly trying to cheer me up, but I barely respond. Graciously, he catches on and remains mostly quiet for the rest of the walk to our terminal.
Or… not a terminal?
The place Dusk leads me to is a separate part of the airport I’ve never been to before, blocked by airport security staff who check our IDs instead of asking for a boarding pass.
I realize then that we’re entering a hangar exclusive to private jets.
If nothing else, the absurdity is a welcome distraction. Truly, I never thought I’d experience a luxury like this. The jet we’re escorted to is marvelous, stunning, for the richest of the rich—not me. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve even been on a regular plane.
I am a fish out of water here.
As we enter the cabin, an on-board attendant greets us in a voice of warmth and formality, holding out a tray of champagne glasses. “Welcome, Miss Lambros and Sir Angelus.”
I almost drop the glass.
That’s the last name he uses? Seriously?
I hide my shock from the attendant by glancing over my shoulder at Dusk, who is too busy flashing the woman a charming smile to acknowledge my reaction.
“Thank you, Dena,” he hums.
“It’s my pleasure.” Her voice, posture, and everything else about her exude elegance, as if old-school manners were ingrained in her from birth. “Please, make yourself comfortable, and I will be with you shortly.”
She quickly leaves us to our privacy, giving us free rein of the whole cabin.
I choose to settle into one of the white leather recliners, one half of a duet separated by a glossy cherrywood table. As expected, Dusk eases into the one opposite me. Warm, ambient lighting traces across his face, casting dramatic shadows around his sharp features.
I raise an eyebrow, mock-surveying him. “You really couldn’t come up with anything better than Angelus?”
“I told you, I’m the Messenger Angel.”
“No, you said you are a messenger angel. Not the Messenger Angel, proper. And why the hell would you go around calling yourself that? Aren’t you supposed to keep your kind a secret?”
“Darling, I don’t like to complicate things for no good reason. A silly name isn’t going to send the humans into chaos.” He leans in, the corner of his lips barely upturned into a smirk. “Besides, there’s only one human I’m giving myself away to, and she’s already sitting in front of me.”