Chapter 21
KAE
“Focus, Kae.”
I open my eyes solely to shoot a scalding look over my shoulder at Abaddon. “I’m trying.”
He refuses to acknowledge my frustration, only choosing to stare at me with the same blank expression he’s had since the moment we met on this cliffside two hours ago. It’s as if he’s switched all of his emotions off.
Honestly, I don’t know who I’m more upset at.
Him, for pretending that he feels absolutely nothing towards me, as if he wasn’t giving me ‘fuck me’ eyes just last night. Or myself, for getting turned on so easily by the angel…
And for the fact that I’m unable to a) figure out how I managed to connect with Abaddon’s tethers in my sleep when I can’t do it consciously, b) identify where my soul begins and ends, and c) find my apocalypse leech and strangle the son of a bitch.
Yeah, I think I’m most mad at myself.
Which is terrible for my ability to focus.
It’s difficult to block everything out, but I can with enough concentration. I close my eyes again, breathing in the unnatural, earthy breeze.
Forcing myself inward is an unpleasant, unnatural feeling.
It’s like I’m holding my breath underwater, lost in a pitch-black sea, desperately seeking an anchor…
And for what must be the fifteenth time today, something cold and listless grazes my mind.
I physically recoil from the sensation. The best I can compare it to is the feeling of a stray fish, unexpectedly bumping into your leg as you’re trying to enjoy a nice swim.
“I just keep running into other people’s tethers,” I complain quietly, trying my best to retain my focus in the process.
“Continue to ignore them. Focus only on the depths of your own soul.”
“But what if they’re coming to me because of something important? Fate, or whatnot?”
“They’re not. If you’re not finding locusts, then you’re noticing your unreachable connections. You have many tethers to people on Earth that cannot pass the gates to the Abyss.” A pause. “And you’d know if it were mine.”
“How would I know?” Because he still feels all those complex emotions, and they’d be impossible to miss? I knew it. He’s—
“Concentrate on yourself.”
I huff indignantly. “That’s what I’ve been doing. Clearly, it’s not working.”
“Then let’s try something different.” I hear him shift behind me, seeming to come closer. “Go for the star first. If you can find it in the core of your soul, then perhaps you can spread outward from there.”
“Is it going to attack me?”
“I can’t say for sure. Possibly, possibly not.”
Great. Love that. What do I have to lose, though? I’m making zero progress. I can’t go back to square one when I’m already there.
“Fine. I’ll try it, I guess.”
It takes a few minutes for me to completely block out the world again, but I give it my best effort, diving deep into the cold waters. Pressure builds on me, but I keep going. Down, down, down. And then… a sliver of cold. Something so ice-cold that it burns, brushing past me at a remarkable speed.
It’s there and gone within a millisecond.
That’s it. That has to be it!
I’m baffled, but somehow, I manage to remain in my meditative state. Maybe it’s my visualization of this place/not-place, building a stronger concept. It’s like I’m being held to the bottom of the ocean floor by the pressure and darkness above me. I’m on the right track, I’m sure.
Now where did you go, little parasite?
Coldness surrounds me, but one direction feels colder than the others. I try to mentally propel myself that way, imagining myself swimming, blindly following the icy feeling. It’s a polarity, calling to me.
Come face your host—
An intense jolt of fire and ice knocks me back.
I flail, trying to grab onto the source of the overwhelming sensation, even if it wants to drown me—but it’s all to no avail. The lead slips away, as if it never even existed. A figment of my imagination and nothing more.
Abaddon doesn’t give me time to process my frustration. “That was better. Now try again.”
“God dammit!” I jump to my feet, eyes flaring wide. Immediately, I begin to storm across the ledge, wishing I could smack the demanding angel in the head instead. “I might as well be trying to catch a fucking shadow!”
Abaddon watches me pace with his unchanged expression. “You’re trying to reach something forged by God and hidden deep within your soul. It will not yield easily. It is not meant to.”
I whip around to face him, projecting my anger and desperation into my voice. “I have to be doing something wrong. What the hell am I doing wrong? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Kae. It will come at exactly the right time. That could be tomorrow, or it could be many months from now. The fact you’re already able to sense it at all is astonishing to me.”
My shoulders slump slightly, the fight draining out of me with a few mumbled expletives to myself. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make the failure sting any less.
So I try again, and I get the same results again: I come close enough to feel it, but it slips through my fingers.
I don’t give up.
I keep trying for hours, until the fake sun fades and Abaddon has to command me to go eat.
Of course, he doesn’t stick around for dinner, and I go straight to bed afterwards out of complete and utter exhaustion.
Between the physical, mental, and spiritual exertion of my day, I can’t even bring myself to write a letter back to Jackie.
I have no energy left to read, think, or feel, let alone compose coherent sentences.
When I meet Abaddon on our ledge the next day, he continues to act devoid of all emotions, and I continue to try the same exercises.
I push for hours, trying something slightly different each time.
My results vary slightly, but one thing remains the same: I always fail to capture the leech.
Over and over again, I’m met with failure.
I try the day after that, too. And the next day, and the next…
Weeks go by in this perpetual cycle.
I push myself harder than I’ve ever pushed myself before, completely draining myself each day, and still, I do not succeed. The stench of failure sours me, turning me into a desperate and bitter thing.
I begin to understand all too well how Abaddon has become the way he is, and that is no place I wish to be.
But misery does love company, after all, and I happen to be coexisting with the King of Dourness himself.
I can feel a storm rising in every unspoken word, every quiet moment spent stewing in each other’s presence.
For better or worse, it’s only a matter of time before one of us breaks.
Kae,
How much of the news are you getting there?
Maybe Jo’s gotten into my head, but these GPO people are actually starting to worry me.
I take back everything I said about them trying to buy the rainforest. They succeeded, and now they’re quickly going after the rest of South America.
They’re forming a new union of countries.
It’s fucking weird and concerning, and I don’t like it.
Even worse, we have the election coming up here, and there’s this one radical candidate who openly supports allying with the GPO.
He’s getting a LOT of traction, and it’s really polarizing people.
They either love him for his dedication to a Green New Deal, or they hate him for wanting to change so much.
Please tell me you’re nowhere near involved with the GPO.
Or the 144k, for that matter. I know information isn’t getting out of there very easily, but from what I can piece together from the news, it looks like they’re wiping the floor with both Palestine and Israel.
I just can’t figure out what their goal is supposed to be.
Land conquest? Spreading religion? Something to do with the GPO? Idfk
I kinda hate you for worrying me so fucking much. But also, I love you and have your back. I just hope you know what you’re doing.
Be safe.
— Jackie
After yet another near-miss, with Abaddon apathetically commanding me to try again, I finally snap.
“No. I’m fucking done.” I whirl around, stomping towards him with a finger pointed out. “I can’t keep doing the same exact thing, over and over again, expecting I’ll magically get a different result. It’s insanity. It is the definition of insanity!”
He returns none of my frustration, unsurprisingly. “Patience, Kae. I’m confident you will master this in time.”
“All in good time,” I hiss back, mocking his favorite slogan. “That’s all you ever say. Can’t you do anything else? Say anything else? You told me that my training would be expeditious. Does this seem expeditious to you?”
“You’re letting your emotions rule you.”
“Yeah? Well, at least one of us still has some.”
A muscle in his cheek twitches. “My emotional state is not your concern.”
To Hell it isn’t! I spend way too much time with him looming over my shoulder to never complain about his sordid company. There’s little I wouldn’t give to punch him in the face right now, but since his indestructible skin would probably break my hand, the best I can do is kick him where it hurts.
His pride.
“You know, I’m curious, Abaddon. Were you created this way, or did you just wake up one day and choose to become an eternal asshole?
” A wicked smile blooms across my face as I catch his reproach, his eyes turning hard and cruel.
Clearly, I’ve hit a nerve. “Finally! Something genuine! That black little heart of yours must still have feelings, after all. Who fucking knew.”
Abaddon closes his eyes, breathing in deep, and I can tell I’ve truly pissed him off. Good. He deserves it—
“Fine,” he says, breathing out. When his eyes open, every sign of hatred and spite is gone. “Then let’s go for a walk.”
“What?”
“A walk. You haven’t seen the city. How about we go to the market?”