Chapter 21 Brianna
Brianna
How is he here right now?
Today is my first therapy session, and I’m beyond nervous.
I take the cloudless sky as a good sign that I am on the right path.
Well, that and there was zero traffic on the drive over.
Ted, my Uber driver, was incredible. He could sense some nervousness and offered me control of the music, so naturally I put on comforting spa sounds.
The theme of the day seems to be tranquility, because the moment we pulled into the parking lot, I knew this was where I needed to be.
The soft brick exterior with vines crawling up the side is surrounded by a slew of trees—which I guess makes sense since nature can be quite therapeutic.
Whoever chose this location had their patients in mind.
To my right is a white, metal bench and over to the left is a bird feeder.
I watch as robins flutter their wings while pecking at the bird feed.
I thought the outside was inviting, but it doesn’t compare to the inside of the therapy office.
The walls of the waiting room are a soft lilac blue, providing a sense of security and comfort.
The hardwood flooring is deep gray, and scattered throughout the room are a mixture of velvet chairs and couches in dark gray and blue.
I anxiously check my phone for the hundredth time, and that’s when I see a text from Asher.
Asher: Hey, bear. I wanted to say how proud I am of you for going to therapy. You are a headstrong, determined woman. If you need anything please let me know. You got this, baby ??
Me: Thank you. I’m so nervous but it’s time.
Asher: Curious, what therapy place did you end up choosing?
Me: Therapy Connections. Cas gave me the recommendation and when I talked to the therapist on the phone, I instantly felt relief. I think this is a good fit.
Asher: Yeah, that’s where I went when I was dealing with everything with my brother. I’ll let you go. Proud of you.
I’m smiling like a crazy person when I hear footsteps. I look up and the woman in front of me screams no-judgement.
Dr. Jacqui gives off a witchy vibe with a crystal necklace hanging from her neck.
She’s dressed in an off white sweater with a dark green, corduroy skirt.
She has on lacy, black, pattern tights with black combat boots on.
I internally shake my head. Cas would recommend this woman to me.
Her brown hair is in soft waves that rest against her shoulders, and she has a cat in a witches hat pin on her sweater.
Already, I feel at ease in her presence.
“Hello, Brianna. Welcome.” She offers me a reassuring smile as I hand her the completed paperwork. “Oh, good, you’ve completed everything. You can follow me back to my office.”
We enter her office, and it gives the same vibe as the waiting room.
But instead of blue walls, they are a soft cream color, and the couch is forest green.
I sit down and it feels like a hug from a friend.
Dr. Jacqui goes over the rules of confidentiality and that I have complete control in what I choose to share.
“What brings you here to see me?” Dr. Jacqui asks.
Oh, okay, so we’re jumping right in. I wring my hands in my lap, but the clamminess has them sliding around with ease. My mind races as I brace myself.
You need this, Bri. This is the start of healing. The start of being you again.
I suck in a deep breath and start out with words barely above a whisper.
“We were in an accident.” I can’t meet her eyes. Flashes of that night threaten to rip me from the present moment. I need to get this out before I lose all courage. I clear my throat, my grip against the plush couch grounding me to the here and now before continuing.
“My brother and I were on our way to an outing, and we got hit by a drunk driver who blew through a red light. I only had a minor concussion and a few scratches, but my brother, Max, suffered the most. He was in a coma and had to have multiple surgeries.”
Jacqui’s silence permeates the space, and I hate that I can’t read her expression. My breath catches in my throat as I wait for the inevitable judgement.
“I am so sorry that you had to go through that. How painful that must have been both emotionally and physically. How are you coping with everything?” Her words feel like a hug from a friend, warm and inviting, giving me the courage to continue.
“In the beginning, I was really depressed. I couldn’t leave my house or even take care of myself. It was a dark place for me. I’ve slowly started to live again, but I’m still struggling with a few things.”
“Might I ask what those things would be?”
“Um, well, I’ve gained a lot of weight since everything, which, up until recently, I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with.”
“What happened recently to shift your perspective?”
“Um, well, my brother’s best friend, Asher, has been helping me. He’s really been helping me push myself out of my comfort zone. He’s been a lifesaver, really.”
“Sounds like you found a great partner to help you through everything.”
“Oh, no, we aren’t together. He’s more of a…um—”
“Friends with benefits?” Dr. Jacqui interrupts.
“Oh, no. I don’t even know how to describe our relationship, but it feels like it's more than that.”
“I see, well, whatever the relationship is between you two, I’m glad you have someone to support you.”
“Yeah. My best friend, Avery, has also been a saint in this whole process. I ghosted her for a while when I was struggling, but she waited for me with open arms when I was ready to come back.”
“That’s wonderful to hear. How are you and Max?”
“That’s where things get complicated. I, um, haven’t seen him or my parents since my friend Avery’s wedding.” I look down, unwilling to meet the discernment that I assume will be on her face.
“May I ask why?” Her question has me breaking down. I’m falling apart on her couch.
“I feel guilty for everything. It’s all my fault he was in the hospital in the first place.
It’s all because I wanted to go fucking axe throwing that this happened.
My parents have been texting me asking how I’ve been, and I’m ignoring them.
I can’t seem to face them knowing what I did and how they probably hate me.
Anytime they’d look at me, I saw their pain.
Pain I caused with my selfishness. It’s all my fault.
It’s all my fault.” I bury my head in my hands as shame sits like a heavy boulder on my chest. It feels good to spill my true feelings to a stranger, but I still feel awful.
“You are carrying a lot of unnecessary guilt. That’s some heavy stuff you’re holding onto.
You have permission to feel all those feelings, but I feel like it’s a lot to take on when the blame lies elsewhere.
I understand it may feel like your family hates you.
Our minds can be a powerful weapon, using our insecurities as their bullets.
I’m glad you decided to come today, and I’m happy you’re here.
I want to give you some information on a type of therapy that I feel would be a good fit for you.
” She gets up to rifle through her desk as I look around the room for tissues.
Dr. Jacqui comes back with a small pamphlet in her hand and gives it to me.
On the front are the words EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, with lots of words describing the process.
From my understanding, it’s a technique to help the brain reprocess trauma so it no longer impacts your life.
It sounds intense and extremely invasive.
“Take that information home with you and let me know next session if you feel like it’s a good fit for you.
” We spend the rest of my session working through some of my feelings, and it feels nice to spill everything that’s been a massive burden in my heart.
We set a date and time for next week, and by the time I’m walking out of the building to call a rideshare, I’m exhausted.
I get as far as pulling up the app when I hear a familiar voice.
“Hi, baby.” I snap up when I hear Asher’s voice.
He’s leaning against his door, hands in his pocket and one leg crossed over the other.
How is he here right now? Why is he here?
I don’t give myself time to answer those questions because I’m running full force into his now outstretched arms. His arms wrap around me at the same time my legs wrap around him.
Asher is spinning me in a circle while cradling the back of my head with his hand.
“You’re here.”
“I’m here. Where else would I be? I knew you’d need me, so I’m here.”
“How are you real? Like, this is some book boyfriend level shit.” I pull back so I can look at his face. “How did I get so lucky to have you?”
“Bear, you’ve always had me. I was yours long before you ever gave me the time of day.
You aren’t lucky to have me. I’m lucky to have you.
You are worthy of someone who will make it their life’s mission to make you happy.
” I bring my lips to his, but it’s not a frantic kind of kiss.
This kiss is slow, romantic, and has my nervous system aflutter.
“Wait, how did you know when I would be done? I don’t think I told you the time.”
“When you told me the place, I drove here immediately, well after making a few stops first. I’ve been here for over an hour.”
“You’re amazing. Thank you for always knowing what I need before I do.
” I hop down and Asher walks me around to the passenger side of the car.
I let out a gasp the second he opens the door.
Sitting on the seat is a bouquet of red roses with white baby’s breath and a giant bag of sour gummy worms. My vision becomes blurry with tears.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“You did something difficult today, so I needed to get you something as beautiful as you are. I wanted you to know that watching you heal is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. Watching you find your light again is awe-inspiring. I want you to feel loved and treasured every second of every day.”
Asher presses a lingering kiss to my forehead before rounding the car to get into the driver’s side.
I bring the flowers up to my nose, inhaling their sweet smell.
I’m holding the flowers in one hand while my other is interlocked with Asher’s.
Asher’s focus is on the road, while mine is trained on him.
My heart feels full, and my head is dizzy with a flood of emotions.
I was already falling for this man, but now I’m head over heels, lost for the man sitting next to me.