Chapter 29 Brianna
Brianna
Healing isn’t linear
I’ve been so wrapped up in my Asher bubble that I haven’t really hung out with my best friend. And I plan to rectify that ASAP.
Me: Hey Aves, you busy?
Avery: Ah, so she is alive lol. I thought you had abandoned me for Asher.
Me: Ugh shut up haha. Wanna grab lunch?
Avery: Bristol Cafe?
Me: See ya there.
I pull up the rideshare app and put my location in.
Since I started taking baby steps toward driving again, stepping into a car doesn’t make me all that nervous anymore.
I’m at the restaurant within twenty minutes, and because it’s not busy, I’m seated almost immediately.
Five minutes later, Avery walks in, her skin radiant with her pregnancy glow.
I pull her into my arms, squeezing her with just enough force so I don’t harm the baby. The moment we pull away, I bend down and talk to my future niece or nephew.
“Hello, little one. It’s your auntie Bri. I love you so much.”
Avery’s eyes glisten with tears as she cradles her belly, a soft smile playing across her delicate features.
“How are we feeling?” I ask her.
“I’m good right now. I sometimes have nausea so bad I can barely leave my bed without the urge to vomit. But other than that, things are going okay. Doctor says the baby is doing well, and I’m antsy to know what we’re having. How are you?”
“I’m good. Better than good, actually. I told Asher I loved him.”
“Shut up! Oh my God, how do you feel?”
“I, well, it felt right. We just had sex—”
The sound of a throat clearing has our attention turning to the waitress standing by our table, notepad in hand.
“Um, what can I get y’all to drink?” She rushes the words out so fast that it takes us a moment to process what she says.
“Um, I’ll have an unsweet tea with lemon,” I respond, unable to meet her eyes.
“I’ll have water, thank you.” Avery beams up at her like we didn’t just traumatize the poor woman.
She mutters a got it before speeding away from our table. Avery and I look at each other for all of two seconds before we burst out laughing.
“That poor woman. She looked mortified. Oh my God. I’ll have to avoid this place now.” My hands cover my eyes as laughter continues to shake my entire body.
“Eh, she’ll be fine. But anyways, back to you. So…You told him you loved him. That’s great, Bee. I’m so happy for you.”
I pull my head from my hands, and I feel a smile stretch across my face. “Thanks. He said it back to me, too. I just, I’m still wrapping my head around it.”
Avery’s response is to roll her eyes. “Well, duh. That man has been in love with you for, like, ever. How do you feel?”
“I feel amazing. I like having him alongside me. He’s just everything.”
“That’s great, Bri.”
We’re interrupted by our waitress dropping off our drinks with complimentary bread and butter before asking what we want to eat.
I order the deluxe cowboy burger and Avery orders pretty much the entire menu.
God, I’ve missed my girl. Avery and I sit in silence as we sip our drinks and eat our bread. I’m the first one to break the silence.
“So, I talked to Asher about the favor you asked of him.”
“Oh?”
“Yup, he—”
“Ope, hold that thought. I gotta pee.” Avery leaps out of her chair and shuffles off to the bathroom.
Today’s service is quicker than normal because our food comes before she gets back.
My mouth waters as I look at the Cajun fries and burger.
My stomach grumbles, and just as I’m about to take a bite, my phone pings with a notification.
I’m as giddy as a teenager at the thought of a text from Asher.
Max: So, I just spoke to our parents, and they said they saw you. I don’t understand why you haven’t come by to see me? No one is telling me anything. And even if they did, it would hurt more because it didn’t come from you.
You are the worst. So selfish. Your brother hates you. Your family probably hates you, too. Everything they said was a lie.
My body feels as if I’ve been locked in a walk-in freezer, and my appetite is suddenly gone.
I jump up from my seat so fast the table moves. I don’t care to apologize for causing a disturbance, and I bolt out the door. My lungs scream at me as I run out the door and far enough away from the restaurant to call for an Uber. I don’t need Avery to try and convince me to stay.
My car arrives and I’m sure I look absolutely insane, but I can’t seem to care.
My phone rings continuously as Avery’s face flashes across my screen. I can’t talk to her right now. I need to be alone. I deserve to be alone. The phone stops ringing only to ping with two incoming messages.
Avery: Bri? Where did you go? What happened?
Avery: I love you. I’m not sure what happened. But please let me know you’re okay.
I leave her on read. The depression that always lingers around every corner pounces on me like a lion does its prey. It doesn’t matter that I’ve finally managed to claw my way out of that black hole. The second the beast sniffs out a sliver of weakness, it welcomes the meal as if it’s been starved.
My Uber drops me off at my house and I mutter out a curt thanks before I bolt up the stairs and into my room. I don’t bother to change out of my clothes; I just put an oversized hoodie on. I crawl under my covers and fall back into the darkness that swallowed me whole before.
I’ve been holed up in my room for a two days, falling into old patterns.
My brain pounds against my skull and my eyes have a permanent crust from crying myself to sleep every night.
I’ve avoided my phone like the plague. Because if I look at their messages, I see his, and then I lose it.
I’ve been in a perpetual state of sadness and shame, and I hate that I’m here again.
I was doing so well, and I just can’t face anyone knowing I’ve fallen back into my sorrow.
I’m startled when the other side of the bed dips with a heavy weight, and I inhale the uniquely distinct smell of leather and cinnamon.
Asher.
God, look at how pathetic you are. Asher is going to go running the second he sees how far you’ve fallen.
His arms wrap around my stomach, and I flinch. I make an attempt to remove his hand, but he tightens his grip.
“What happened, baby?”
“I-I don’t. I c-can’t.”
Asher just pulls me closer into his body, and his arm around my body feels like a protective shield.
“It’s okay, bear. You can tell me when you’re ready.” Asher presses a soft kiss on my shoulder, and I feel the heat through the layers of clothes. We lie there in silence, but it’s not uncomfortable.
Do I let him in? Should I tell him what’s been going on? Will he think differently of me?
My thoughts are flashing across my mind at the speed of light as Asher brushes soothing strokes up my arm. I’ve been determined to wallow in my own despair, locking everyone out of the world, but then I hear the sound of my therapist's voice.
You are deserving of love, Brianna. It’s okay to lean on those whenever we need help.
“I, um, I went out to lunch with Avery. Everything was good and then—” My voice breaks and I feel his arms squeeze me even harder, providing me the support I need to continue.
Be strong, Bri. Don’t let the negative thoughts win.
“Avery got up to use the bathroom and then I got a text from Max. And all the progress I’ve made so far combusted, leaving me in the destruction of my guilt. I just, I’m so fucking selfish. I should be able to talk to my brother. He’s better now, and yet, I have been ignoring him still.”
“Bear, you’re still working on some really tough shit. Healing isn’t linear, something I’ve had to learn myself. You’ll talk to your brother when you’re ready. You are the least selfish person I know. So, I’m gonna need you to stop talking about my girl that way.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right, but sometimes it’s hard. I was doing so well, and it just…It sucks to fall back a few steps.”
“What you’re doing isn’t easy, but I’m so proud of you for continuing to work through some tough shit. You’re inspiring.”
“I—well, thank you. I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for not giving up on me. And I’m sor—”
“No. Don’t you dare apologize. You don’t need to. And I’ll always be here. You need me, I’ll come running. Sounds like you’ve had a long day. Close your eyes and sleep. I’ll be here holding you.”
My eyelids are heavy with exhaustion. I snuggle deeper into his arms and fall asleep with a smile on my face. Everything will be okay.