Chapter 46 Brianna
Brianna
The blue was my guiding light, my savior
My body is drowning in a sea of panic. My screams fall silent, and I’m so paralyzed with fear that I can’t seem to move.
It’s just your brother, Bri. Try and relax. You have nothing to worry about.
But I do. I do have things to worry about.
I’ve been putting this off for months, involved in a toxic relationship with shame and guilt.
If I thought talking to my parents was anxiety inducing, it’s nothing compared to talking to my brother.
He was in the car with me that night, they weren’t.
I’ve grown so much in the last few months, but of course my brain loves to be a bitch…
fucking Patricia. I’m suddenly pulled back to the scene of the accident.
So many cop cars, bathing the scene in blue and red.
Blood and glass cover every inch of the scene.
I know I’m being harassed with a million and one questions, but I cannot seem to speak.
My mind and body are still in my now totaled car, the sound of squealing threatening to burst my ear drums. My heart beats manically inside my chest and my breath comes in quick, frantic pants.
Breathe. I. Can’t. Breathe.
A deep, smooth voice whispers in the distance. I know this voice, but as I search the scene, I can’t seem to find where it’s coming from. Tears blur my vision, and my head feels dizzy and light. I press my hands to my head, and a loud, shrill sound pierces the air.
Where is that coming from?
Why is it so loud?
The deep voice from earlier is more frantic and desperate. The sound feels closer now. I allow the soothing sound to wrap around me like my favorite blanket. Warm hands grip my shoulders, jolting me out of this nightmare.
“Bear? Can you hear me?” Asher’s voice is muffled, and some part of me feels his hands on my face. Asher pulls me into his arms, wrapping me tight. The pressure is a welcome sensation, like a weighted hoodie.
“Just follow my breathing. Focus on the rise and fall of my chest.” So that’s what I do.
Asher knows telling me to breathe won’t work, so he has me focus on his breath.
My ear is pressed against his chest, and I listen to the steady drumming of his heartbeat.
It pulls me into a state of calmness like a lullaby does to a newborn baby.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
With each beat of his heart, I feel my frantic pace begin to slow. My mind continues to race, but everything around me begins to slow down. My heartbeat becomes the harmony to his, creating a symphony that steadies my entire being.
“That’s it, baby. Keep focusing on my breath.
I’m right here with you. The sun is shining, the wind is blowing, and you are safe.
Max is just inside waiting for you to run into his arms. You’re about to do a very hard thing, but everything will be okay.
I know it.” If feathers had a voice, they'd sound like Asher, soft and smooth.
My last deep breath comes out shaky, almost as if the fear is leaving my body.
When I pull back to look at him, I see love, support, and empathy swirling behind those beautiful, baby blue eyes.
I’ve been in the dark for so long. Lost in a sea of endless gray until I saw a flash of blue over the horizon.
The pull was too strong to ignore. Little did I know that bright blue color was pulling me out of the stormy sea and onto the shore, where for the first time in forever, I could breathe.
The gray threatened to swallow me whole, but the blue was my guiding light, my savior.
I stare into those same blue eyes that saved me all those months ago, and I’m overcome with gratitude. It’s a warm light that spreads from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Asher is my saving grace, my hero, my everything.
I pull his lips to meet mine, pouring my heart and soul into the kiss.
I’ve finally come to terms with everything that’s happened, and talking to Max is the final chapter of a book I’m ready to close and put back on my shelf.
This book is one of many in the story of my life, and while this book was harder to get through, I did it. I not only survived, but I thrived.
I’m so wrapped up in Asher that I don’t realize his voice until a second later.
“Get a room, why don’t ya.” I pull away from Asher, and my eyes immediately fill with tears.
“Maxie…” His childhood nickname comes out in a whisper.
“Breezy.” Max’s voice comes out raspy.
“Say it again,” I plead, yearning to hear the sound of my childhood nickname. Thousands of sibling memories play out in my mind like a home movie, showcasing my favorite moments beneath a grainy, muted lens.
“Breezy…” I want to run into his arms, but I’m not sure if anything still causes him pain, and I’d rather not risk reinjury. Instead, I power walk toward him, wrapping my arms around him as tight as I can.
“Hi, Max.”
“Hi, Bri. Hey, Asher.” Oops, I forget he’s here for a minute, but being the supportive boyfriend he is, he doesn’t mind.
“Hey, Max,” Asher says, offering a nod of acknowledgement before turning to me. “I’ll be in the car. Text me if you need me.” I nod, and Asher turns around and walks to the car.
Max and I head inside and move toward his couch. Nothing has changed. His walls are the same dark gray as before, with a dark cherry hardwood flooring. His massive TV is the main focus of the living room, with a fireplace made of stone with family pictures along the mantel.
I’m staring at one of the two of us the night he graduated from high school. We decided to go hiking—his request, not mine. I remember that night like it was yesterday. We shared our dreams and aspirations while being content with just being in each other’s presence.
“Ah, that’s one of my favorite photos of us. You gave me so much shit for growing old. We’ll have to go hiking there again soon.”
And now I’m losing it, head in my hands, body shaking uncontrollably.
“Breez, hey, come here.” Max opens his arms, and I launch myself at him.
“I-I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault that you were in this situation in the first place. If I hadn’t convinced you to—” I’m surprised he’s able to understand what I’m saying with how hard I’m crying. Max stops me mid-sentence by pulling me into his arms.
“You are not to blame for this. The only person who deserves the blame is the one who decided to drive drunk. I may have given you shit about going axe throwing, but I wanted to go. It was just more fun to fuck around. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to force me.”
“I—You did? You wanted to go?”
“Hell yeah. Throwing axes while hanging with you? No brainer.” I feel the guilt slowly evaporate from my body like a rain puddle on a hot day.
“I just hate that you’re in pain when all I got was a minor concussion and a few scratches. You were in a coma, Max. How could I not feel guilty for that?”
“Did you force that woman to get behind the car while intoxicated?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Did you tell her to run through the red light?”
“NO, b—”
“Did you break my leg, arm, and shoulder all by yourself?” I can’t help but laugh at his ridiculousness.
“You know I didn’t, Max. But I’m the reason we were in the car in the first place.”
“You’re right, you were. But I also got in the car willingly. We can’t predict what’s going to happen, Breezy, but we’re here and we’re alive.”
“You always have to be right, don’t you?” I ask. The familiar teasing feels like coming home from a week-long trip, comforting and familiar.
“Did you expect anything less? Um…Can we sit down? My leg is feeling a bit stiff, and we have a lot to talk about.”
“Oh, yes, of course. I’m sorry.”
We make our way over to the couch and I feel his eyes boring into the side of my face. This conversation is long overdue, but I’m fucking terrified.
“I’m so sorry, Max. I—”
“Can I go first?” Max asks, his voice wavering a little.
“Oh…S-Sure.”
“First, I’m going to tell you how much I love you. I need you to not only hear that, but accept it. You mean the world to me. You’re my best friend and I need to get this off my chest.” Max pauses to collect his thoughts before continuing.
“It hurt me when you cut me out. I-I understand that you were hurting, but I needed my sister. You didn’t answer any of my texts, and I couldn’t help but think I did something wrong.”
Max’s pain is a direct hit to my heart. And my tears are cascading down my face at a rapid pace. I reach out to grab my brother's hand, squeezing it a few times so I can collect myself before I respond.
“No, Max. Never. This was all on me. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I wanted to reach out so many times, but I was so frozen in my own despair that I didn’t know how. I didn’t think you’d want to see me. I had somehow convinced myself that you hated me.”
“I could never hate you, Bri. You’re one of the most important people in my life. I felt so…so lost and empty without you. It was like I was floating in space, unable to latch onto anything. I just…I missed you, you little asshole.” Max’s watery chuckle breaks some of the tension.
“It takes an asshole to know an asshole.” I rest my head on his shoulder and inhale a deep, shaky breath.
“I’m sorry I cut you out. I cut everyone out.
Well, except for Asher. He kinda refused to leave me alone.
But I have both you and Avery to thank for that with y’all asking him to babysit my ass. ”
Max flinches beneath my weight. “I’d say I was sorry…but it looks like it worked out in your favor. So…you and Asher, huh?”
“Yup. You cool with it?” I ask.
“Yeah, it was only a matter of time before you two got together. But if he breaks your heart, I’ll break his face. If you break his, I won’t speak to you for, like, a week,” Max jokes.
“I missed you, big brother.” I rest my head on his good shoulder.
“I missed you more, little sister.” Max presses a kiss to my head. We stay in this position for what feels like hours, catching each other up with what’s been happening.
“Oh, so I know Asher talked to you about our business idea?”
“He did, and I think it’s a fantastic plan.”
“Well, his brother Xander drew up a plan for what the building might look like, and I was wondering if you’d help build it when you’re up for it?”
“Fuck yeah. I’d be honored. I’m, um, I'm not sure I can do much physical labor for, um, a while yet. But I do great work at the desk in our office, and I can put my bossiness skills to good use. I have a fantastic team to help me with everything else.”
Something seems…off with Max. When we originally talked about my desire to open up a bookstore, he was all over it, creating a very intricate plan.
But the Max who sits next to me is stuttering and his smile is too bright—signs that he’s keeping something from me.
I’m not sure what, but his lack of enthusiasm to be involved in every aspect of building the store is concerning.
“Don’t you want to do more than bossing people around? I mean, Max, you helped me come up with this plan.”
“Nah, I’m cool with being the boss.” He shrugs his shoulders.
“Are…Are you okay? You don’t seem as excited—”
“Bri, I’m good. I can’t wait to see your dream come to fruition.”
I want to push, but something in his tone tells me to hold off.
“Thanks, Maxie. I’m glad it’s finally happening and that we can do this together.”
Max and I are practically glued to each other's side for hours as we animatedly talk about the plans for the bookstore. Emotional exhaustion from our reunion is threatening to pull me under, so I say my goodbyes while I cling to him like a koala to a eucalyptus tree. I breathe in his cedar scent, and I’m reminded of all the times I ran to him for solace after a boy broke my heart—or I got a bad grade on a test I studied for.
His arms were my safety net, and now that I’ve moved past my guilt, I’ll never go too long without a hug from my best friend, my brother.
We make plans for the following weekend before I’m out the door.
When I walk out, Asher is standing there, flowers in one hand and an iced coffee in the other.
“I really might have to open that greenhouse now,” I say as I walk toward him.
“Then we’ll build you the best greenhouse there is, because I don’t plan on stopping with the flowers. How did it go?”
“Good, very good. My heart feels full and happy. But I noticed Max was weird with me when I asked him about helping build our store. He looked excited, but something felt off. I get this feeling he’s hiding behind his desk. Did he say anything to you?”
“Yeah, I think he’s struggling with some shit.
I suggested therapy, and I think he’ll do it when he’s ready.
We just gotta give him time, bear.” The empathy that radiates from this man is truly awe-inspiring.
He genuinely doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.
Well, except for when people are assholes to those he loves—then the gloves come off.
Asher is sweet, kind, patient, and boy does he know what to do with that mouth of his.
Despite the way he makes me feel physically, emotionally and mentally I know I’m safe with him. I always have been.
I lean in and press a quick peck on his lips. “I love you, Asher Larson. I hope you know just how much you mean to me.”
“I love you, too, Bri bear. Always have, always will. You’ve had a long day. Let's go home and take a nice, long bath before you take a much deserved nap.” Asher hands me the coffee and flowers before opening my door. As we drive home, I listen to my heart put the final missing piece back together.