Chapter 5 #2
It pains me to write this more than you will ever know.
I truly value our friendship. You mean the world to me.
You are so kind, funny, loving, and energetic.
You have so much life in you that I don't think you realize all you have to offer. We have been through so many ups and downs in our lives, and you will always be a part of the best memories of my life. You will also be part of some of my worst memories. Seeing you hurting yourself in high school was brutal. It was like I lost my best friend. You were no longer the same person I met all those years ago. You were cold, distant, and irritable. I didn’t know how to handle you.
You cut me out of your life and it crushed me.
Then you got clean and I finally had you back.
I was so happy to have my best friend again.
It was one of the best feelings ever. Then your father came back into your life, and you started shutting yourself off to me and the world.
You became the man I couldn't bear to be around again.
I can't do it anymore, Cas. I just can’t.
I hope you heal and find your worth, but I can't be around to watch the destruction without it tearing me into a million pieces.
I can't keep putting you before myself, not anymore.
It's with this letter that I have to let you go.
I never thought I would have to do this, but I need to.
I haven't been myself since you relapsed and I need to find me again. I just can’t do that when constantly worrying about whether you are alive or dead.
I can't fix myself when I'm continually trying to fix you.
So this letter is my goodbye to you. You will always be in my heart, but I just can't. Maybe we can be in each other’s lives again one day.
I hope we can. If that time comes and you are ready, come and find me.
I can't promise to welcome you back with open arms. I can't promise that our friendship will ever be the same. If you do come back, you need to show me that you’ve changed for the better. Don't change just to get me back. That won’t work and I don't want that weight on me. Change for you first and let the rest fall into place after that. You are worthy of a long life, Cas, and I hope one day you see that. Your words will only take you so far. Your actions speak louder. I’ll always cheer you on from the sidelines, but I’m letting you go for now. Please take care of yourself.
-Avery
My gram had to pry it out of my cold, shaky hands when I first read it. I’m surprised it didn’t end up ripping in half. It wasn’t healthy for me to read it as often as I have, but it was the only thing I had left of Avery.
My mind drifts back toward the dream. Despite everything that's happened over the last three months, I can still feel how we moved together in a choreographed dance like a phantom pain. Traces of her lavender-vanilla scented skin still lingers in my nose. The ghost of her touch whispers like the wind against my skin and I yearn for the comfort only she can provide me. The sound of her melodic laughter fading to black is a haunting reminder that she isn't here. That she wants nothing to do with me. And why would she? I’m not who she wants. I’m not who she needs.
The soft click of the car door shutting startles me from my internal dialogue.
Home.
I'm finally back home.
So why am I not more excited? My eyes glance over toward the house next door, knowing full well it's the reason for my melancholy demeanor.
That her absence is the reason for this void in the pit of my stomach.
I know I need to move, get out of the now freezing car, but I'm stuck.
My eyes are glued onto Avery's house, with hope swirling in my heart.
Hope that she'll come sprinting toward me like she did when she was eight, and leap into my arms. Five minutes go by, then ten, but nothing happens.
Her silence feels like a baseball bat to the windshield, shattering my fragile hope like glass beneath my feet.
I rub at the ever-growing ache within my chest and force myself out of the car and head toward the house.
The hairs on the back of my neck standing up is my first clue that something doesn’t feel right.
My entire body feels itchy. It’s like someone is watching me.
Cas, you’re just being paranoid. I turn around, scanning the street, only to find nothing.
Even though I can’t see anyone watching me, my heart rate doesn’t return to a healthy pulse.
I quicken my pace, practically running towards the front door.
The second I hear the lock click, my back hits the door and I work on calming my racing heart.
My mind is a chaotic mess and a full-blown debate is happening in my brain.
One voice tells me to keep fighting. The other says to give up.
How can I see Avery every day and not have my heart crushed into a million pieces?
Is it worth all of the heartache? Is she worth all of the suffering?
I scratch that last question from my mind because I know the answer already.
Avery is—and will always be—worth it. I just need to make her believe that this time is different.
I need to see her and have this long overdue conversation, but I’m in a losing game with exhaustion.
I crawl into bed, hoping a nap will help me feel re-energized so I can talk to her.
I close my eyes, intending to sleep for thirty minutes, but when I wake up, it's the following day, feeling emotionally drained.