Chapter 10
Avery
Cas thing? What Cas thing?
It's been weeks since our argument and Cas’ radio silence speaks volumes.
After an emergency session with my therapist, my conflicting feelings disappeared.
Thank goodness for therapy, it’s been a lifesaver.
I’ve been going to Olivia on and off since I was fourteen.
She knows my whole life story. She calls me out when I need it, but does it in a gentle way as she knows how sensitive I can be.
I still stand firm in what I said to him.
I worked too damn hard to put my own needs first, only to crack the moment Cas uses my childhood nickname.
My body tingles with a familiar sensation that hasn’t happened in years.
I could go into my bedroom closet, grab my journal, and write, but it holds too many painful memories.
And to be honest, I’m not ready to revisit the feelings that the journal will bring up.
I used to love writing, but that part of me died long ago.
My feet must have a mind of their own because I find myself in my childhood bedroom.
I made the move to my parents’ old room as a way to remain closer to them, but also as an escape.
Reminders of Cas fill every inch of the room and my eyes sting with sadness.
One wall has a timeline of photos throughout various stages of our lives.
One picture in particular catches my eye, causing me to linger.
We were fourteen. It was the day I won second place in a songwriting competition.
I was so angry at him for submitting the song on my behalf.
Granted, I wasn’t outraged, but I was more anxious.
What if they laughed at me? What if they thought it was stupid?
I know how people view Taylor Swift, so what if they think I’m like the Wish version of her?
My fingertips dance across the cold glass of the photo of us; my heart aches for the girl who was so obviously in love with her best friend.
I glance closer at the image and what I notice takes my breath away.
I’m smiling at the camera with my arm around Cas, but his attention is on me.
He looks proud, but there’s another emotion I can’t place.
My hand drops to my stomach in a poor attempt to keep the butterflies at bay.
He’s everywhere in this room. These memories sit heavy on my chest, and I need to leave before second-guessing every decision I’ve made since Cas’ return.
The door closes with a soft click, locking away those painful memories.
They’re too much to deal with right now.
Today, I wanted nothing more than to run into Cas’ arms. To forget all the bullshit he put me through.
Then he gave me that cocky smile on his face as he used my childhood nickname, and it had me boiling with anger.
I couldn't let him off the hook. I always let him off the hook.
Cas is good at many things, and being charming is one of them.
I was in a constant state of disappointment every time I put his needs before my own.
It was so easy to believe him when he said things were different.
But when my therapist informed me about addict behavior, my entire perspective shifted.
So, as much as I wanted to let him back in when I saw him on my doorstep, I didn't. He has to show me he’s changed and working on himself.
From what I witnessed the other day, he still has work to do.
Despite his attitude during our conversation, when I looked into his eyes, I saw clarity.
Yeah, I’m pissed at him, but I couldn’t help but feel joy that he finally got help.
The sound of the door opening pulls me from my thoughts and I see Bri walk in, followed by her brother, Max.
Those two have been inseparable since they were little, practically doing everything together.
I first met Max the summer after my second year of college.
He drew me in with his dimpled smile, wavy, brown hair, and eyes like honey.
He’s a year and half older than Bri and I, so naturally, my crush was instantaneous.
Bri has always encouraged me to be bold, be brave.
Well, I don't think she meant for me to do that with her brother.
Our only intimate moment happened when Bri was at work.
We were sitting next to each other one minute, and the next, I straddled his lap as we made out.
We were still going at it when Bri came home and caught us, and instead of getting mad, she laughed and said she called it from a mile away.
Nothing ever really went anywhere with Max, but Bri brings it up any chance she gets.
To this day, I don’t regret it. It made me feel powerful to take control sexually.
Something I haven’t been able to do since.
I look at Bri’s face and know what she’s about to say before she even says it. “You remember Max, don't you, Avery? You should know him well, seeing as you had each other’s tongues down your throats.” She snickers.
“Yes, of course, I remember, but thank you oh so much for the reminder,” I say to her before turning to her brother. “Hi, Max. It’s good to see you.” I hug him, and in true Max fashion, he lifts me off the ground and spins me around.
“Hey, hot stuff,” Max says, eliciting a very high-pitched squeal laugh from me.
When he places me back on my feet, he takes a moment to assess me from head to toe before smirking.
“Looking good, Ave. Wanna recreate that moment? We can send Bri away to give us some privacy,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows.
I roll my eyes before I push playfully at his shoulders. “You can’t handle me, Max.” I laugh. “What are y’all doing here?”
Bri holds up a giant takeout bag. “I thought the three of us could have dinner and plan on how you're going to handle this whole Cas thing,” she says.
“What Cas thing? Wait, who’s Cas?” Max asks.
Bri answers before I even open my mouth. “He’s Avery’s best friend, who she’s totally into.”
“I’m not into Cas, Brianna!” I shout.
“Yeah, okay, suuuure,” she says to me before returning her attention to her brother.
“He’s totally into her, too. They got into this big argument and it got pretty heated.
” Bri goes on to summarize everything that happened before I can stop her.
Once Bri has set her mind on something, she won’t stop until she gets it.
It shouldn’t surprise me that Bri is as intuitive as she is. The girl has a sixth sense for this shit. The one thing she’s wrong about is that Cas feels the same. If he did, why would he have said all those things to me?
The sound of Bri clearing her throat brings me out of my head. I see both of them staring at me, waiting for an answer.
“What?” I ask.
“Did you hear anything we just said?” Bri asks.
“No, sorry, I was uh-I was in my head,” I admit.
“We asked you if you plan on talking to Cas anytime soon?”
“I'm not sure. I want to work on our friendship again, but a part of me is still hurt by what Cas did and said to me—not only recently, but all those years ago. My friendship and feelings don’t feel too important to him.” I shrug.
Bri and Max share a look before bringing their attention back to me with matching shocked faces.
“You're kidding me, right?” Max asks. “From what I just heard from Bri, the man is infatuated with you. He wouldn't have gotten so angry if he didn’t have feelings for you. My buddy, Asher’s brother, struggled with addiction. He told me just how awful it was to witness. They only just started talking to each other a couple of years ago.” I notice Bri wince at the sound of his name, causing a smirk to spread across my face.
“Still have the hots for Asher, Bri?” I’m hoping to shift the focus toward her for a minute.
Bri shoots me a murderous glare before speaking through gritted teeth.
“I do not have the hots for him. Don't try to change the subject. We’re talking about your relationship with Cas and how you two need to hook up already because it’s so obvious,” she says.
Despite her dislike for Asher, I know there’s something there.
Whenever they’re in the same room, the chemistry is so intense people can get secondhand horniness.
“Bri, you don’t know wha—" was all I managed to get out before being interrupted by a knock on the door. I wasn’t expecting anyone today, so I’m confused as to who it could be. I start to get up, but Max places a hand on my shoulder, keeping me in place.
“I got this. You two keep talking about how you wanna hook up with your best friend and Bri wants to fuck mine,” he says, throwing a wink toward his sister. She growls and flips him off before he walks away.
I am arguing with her about not liking Cas in that way when I hear the sound of two male voices. Bri and I tiptoe towards the door, ready to intervene if necessary.
“Who the fuck are you?” says the man on the other side of the door. I don't have to guess who it is. I know that deep voice. Cas.
Shit.
“Who are you?” I hear Max reply.
“Where’s Avery? I need to talk to her,” Cas responds.
“Yeah, I’m not letting you in until you answer my question,” Max responds. Cool, calm, and collected, that’s Max for you.
Bri and I exchange a worried expression. Cas sounds like a man suddenly cut off in traffic. I need to go over there before anything happens.
“Oh wait, you're Cas, aren’t you? I’m Max. Nice to meet you,” I hear him say. Max reaches out his hand toward Cas. I can’t see him, but I can just imagine his goofy, lopsided grin. Cas looks down at his hand, then up towards his face with murder dancing beneath his eyes.
“Get your fucking hand out of my face,” Cas demands.
Yeah, now’s probably a good time to intervene. I walk towards the door, clearing my throat before placing a hand on Max’s shoulder. “I got it from here, thanks,” I say.
Max searches my face for any sign that I might need his help.
I shake my head, silently communicating that I got this.
Max nods his head and places a quick kiss on my cheek before walking off.
I focus on Cas, who tracked the gesture and looks like I punched him in the gut.
We stand in the most awkward game of chicken I’ve ever played with neither of us willing to make the first move.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, but it’s like talking to a brick wall.
Cas looks as if he’s completely dissociated.
I don’t think he even heard my question.
I open my mouth to repeat the question and notice Cas jolting out of whatever trance he is in.
He turns and walks away, but not before I see a flash of hurt cross his handsome face.
I watch him leave, confused as hell at this whole exchange.
With my back against the door, I stare at Bri in shock.
“What just happened?” Bri asks.
“I have no fucking clue,” I respond.
“Huh, weird.” Bri shrugs before collecting the empty wrappers and tossing them in the trash.
She’s pulling on her sweater when she turns to face with a determined expression.
“Hey, I found this ad on Facebook the other day and thought of you. I immediately clicked the link and printed out the flier. This has your name written all over it, Ave.”
Bri is great at many things, but subtlety isn’t one of them.
Case in point, the smile on her face tells me she didn’t stumble across whatever she’s holding accidentally.
My eyes scan the top line: Songwriting contest: winner gets to sign on with a record label.
All the blood drains from my face and I sway from the sudden dizziness.
My throat threatens to close in on itself and my entire body feels like I’m wearing the world's itchiest sweater. I can’t do this.
I just can’t. I’m not a songwriter anymore.
But how do I tell my best friend that I’ve lost my ability to write?
Every time I take a pen to paper, my mind is blank.
“Wow, Bri, uh, thanks for bringing me this. I’ll think about entering.” My voice wavers a little, ultimately giving up my calm facade. I hope she doesn’t notice, but of course, Bri, being perceptive, picks up on it.
“Hey, what’s going on? I thought you’d be jumping for joy, but you look like I told you that you have to give a speech in your underwear. You okay?” she asks.
“Oh yeah, I’m fine. It just, well, it caught me off guard, is all.” I slow down my words, hoping to convince her I’m calm when I’m anything but. She studies me for a moment with a frown on her face. She doesn’t believe me, but she’s letting it go. I let out an internal sigh of relief.
Hours after Bri and Max leave, I hyperfocus on what happened with Cas. He demanded to see me, but the second I came to the door, he walked away, disassociated. I’m fighting a losing battle with exhaustion, so I head upstairs.
The sound of crinkling paper as I open my bedroom door reminds me of another thing I’m obsessing over.
I let out a mournful sigh before opening the door with my other hand.
I put the competition flier face down on my dresser and cover it with books so I can forget it exists.
I knew it would be another sleepless night as I lay in bed.
I feel like I’m at the part in a scary movie where ominous music alerts the audience that something terrible is about to happen.
I'm unsure what or when it’ll happen, but I know I won’t like it.
A deep sigh escapes my mouth before I turn off my bedside lamp and hope the sleep gods grant me a peaceful rest.