Chapter 13
Avery
We can’t keep doing this
I feel as if my anxious thoughts are a rip current, threatening to pull me under and take me away.
Why does Cas do this? More importantly, why does he do this to me?
Cas continues calling after me, but I can’t deal with him now.
I slammed the door behind me the second I entered my house, my breakfast and coffee quickly forgotten.
My body collapses onto the floor and the dam holding back my tears breaks.
I hear him knocking and shouting my name, but it hardly registers with how hard I’m crying.
How could he just hook up with someone like her?
It's like high school all over again. I remember him strutting around with girls like Giselle all the time and it completely gutted me, knowing I would never be the girl he wanted.
After a few moments, the knocking stops and the silence of Cas’s absence is deafening. Did he leave? A part of me is relieved he left, but I can’t shake the disappointment that he didn’t stay and fight for me more. The sound of a soft sigh from the other side of the door startles me.
“Avery, I'm sorry. Giselle was out of line. Can you open the door? Please?” His voice sounds rough, like he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.
So, we’re having this conversation. My knees pop with how quickly I stand up to open the door and with enough force to knock Cas backwards.
I’m pushing into his chest, pushing him back further.
“Seriously, Cas, her? God, it’s like you haven’t changed at all.
Doing the same old shit that you did in high school.
You probably won’t stay sober long, either.
” Heartbreak pours out of me with each quivering word I spew.
I’m so wrapped up in my pain that I don’t realize the words that left my mouth before it’s too late.
I don’t mean it. I’m drawing in my sadness that my emotional brain told my rational brain to take a hike.
His whole-body flinches from the impact of my words; his eyes are a storm cloud of agony.
Guilt rises like bile in my throat. “Cas, I didn’t—" but he ends up cutting me off.
“I deserve that. I’m sorry, I won’t bother you again,” Cas says before walking away.
With a heavy sigh, I walk inside and close the door, unable to watch a dejected Cas walk away from me.
Fuck, I shouldn’t have said what I said.
Using someone's insecurities against them is one thing, but using someone's illness against them? That’s a new type of low. It makes me feel no different than Giselle, if I’m being honest. As much as I want to open the door and run after him, I don’t.
Emotional exhaustion takes my body hostage and my back feels superglued to my front door.
I knew back then I made the right choice by choosing me. It’s so easy to fall down the rabbit hole that is my friendship with Cas. My hand clutches my broken heart as I reminisce about the years I went without Cas by my side.
Years without my best friend or battling conflicting feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness.
Years of stolen glances and yearning for the boy I once knew or wondering if I had done the right thing.
Despite the things he had done and said to me, I never hated him.
I just couldn’t get myself to do that. Deep down, he was still that eight-year-old boy who held my hand when I cried or made-up silly jokes to make me laugh.
What hurt the most wasn’t him using but mourning the boy who once was.
My feet feel like lead. Walking upstairs requires double the effort with how emotionally exhausted I am. I curl into the safety and comfort of my bedding, and the second my head hits the pillow, I’m out like a light.
It’s been one week since Cas practically dry-humped that bitch right in front of me.
Flashbacks of all the girls he would fuck around with in high school play in my brain on a loop.
The green monster inside my chest threatens to come out, but I don’t want to admit I feel jealous.
Admitting that means I still have feelings for him.
Ugh, who are you fooling? You still love the man.
You never stopped. I let out a long, frustrated sigh. Fuck men, and fuck feelings. They suck!
Cas has been stopping by daily to attempt a civil, adult conversation, but I still don’t think he fully understands.
I’m in the middle of getting ready for work when the sound of a knock startles me.
I know who it is before I even open the door.
I could ignore the knocks, but knowing Cas, they will become more consistent.
I open the door, ready to speak, but he beats me to it.
"Just hear me out. If after everything I've said you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll leave you alone.” Desperation pours out of his voice.
I let out a soft sigh before stepping out onto the porch. “Okay, but I don't have long until I leave for work."
“I'll take it. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but hurting you is by far the worst one. I went to the bar last week, and I—"
“You went to the bar?” My voice is slightly louder than I intended, causing Cas to flinch.
“I needed a distraction. I swear I didn't drink or anything. My mind has been a fucked-up mess since our fight and I needed to get out of my head. So, I went to Aces and sat with Asher while he worked. I was so upset about our fight and then seeing you with Max, I just snaped. After I word-vomited to Asher he called my ass out for being Jealous of Max.”
“Jealous of Max? Cas, nothing is going on with Max and I.” I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of my throat.
“I know that now. He told me there was no reason for me to feel intimidated by him.
There's no excuse for hooking up with Giselle.
I kept seeing him plant a kiss on your cheek and I reverted back to what I always do.
Even after knowing nothing was going on between the two of you I got jealous of your friendship.
And then memories of what used to be started playing on repeat in my mind.
I was jealous that he gets to be a part of your life and I'm stuck watching from the sidelines.
And I know I don't deserve to feel jealous because I messed up, but I do. "
“Cas, we can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this.
This whole toxic cycle we’ve been in since high school needs to stop.
Do you even remember how it was in high school?
When you were too busy getting high to come to my choir concerts?
Remember when I had that solo, a solo I worked my ass off for, by the way, and you promised to be there in the front row? ”
“I-I—" Cas stammers.
“I also remember our fight in the freshman hallway where I was begging and pleading with you to get help, but you brushed me off like I was a measly, little crumb. Do you remember those cruel words you said to me that day?” I ask.
A look of recognition glitters in Cas’ eyes, but I’m too heated to stop.
"You said, and I quote, ‘God, when did you get so clingy? We aren’t fucking so you don’t get to be like this’.”
“Well, did you forget the part where you compared me to my father? You know how I feel about him, and you still said that shit to me.” Cas responds.
Those words still haunt me to this day. His father has always been a sensitive topic for him, but I didn’t care.
I regretted it the moment I said it, but the damage was done.
Just like the damage was done when I told him he won’t stay sober.
“You’re right. I shouldn't have compared you to him. I was so hurt and frustrated and said some shitty things. Things I immediately regretted. Speaking of saying shitty things, I need to apologize for what I said last week. I—" I begin to speak, but he interrupts me.
“Avery, you don’t have to apologize. I deserve—" but now I’m the one interrupting him.
“Let me just get this out. It takes a lot for someone to seek help and I threw that in your face. In that moment, I was that fifteen-year-old me was afraid of history repeating itself. Watching you with Giselle, well it sucked. Regardless, I shouldn’t have hurt your feelings to protect my own and for that, I'm sorry.” I swallow back my pride while reassuring fifteen-year-old me that everything is okay. That I have her back.
“I'm sorry too. I've been a mess since that letter…” Cas pauses a moment, giving me the perfect opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room.
“Writing that letter destroyed me. I couldn't keep getting my hopes up only to have you stomp all over them. I want—no, I need to know I matter to you, Cas,” I say.
“You do matter to me, Avery. More than you’ll ever know,” he replies.
“If I’m that important to you, then why hurt me?” My voice comes out raspy.
“I’m scared. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m just a no-good junkie, just like my dad.
My default mode, courtesy of my father, is self-destruction.
I self-sabotage before someone can have the chance to hurt me.
Something my therapist called me out on, actually.
Deep down, I didn't feel that someone like was ever worthy of your friendship or kindness.” His words are a knife, hitting me directly in my heart.
“Cas,” I whisper. How can he seriously think like that? He's the most important person in my life; all I want is to know and see all of him. It makes me both sad and angry that he can stand there and talk about himself like that.
“With all that floating around in my mind plus the letter, it threw me over the edge. So, I found a distraction and took her home. No one feels more disgusted with me than I do, especially after the things she said to you. She's wrong, by the way," he says.
“Wrong?”
“You’re worthy of someone who will love you completely. Whoever that guy ends up being, he’ll be the luckiest man alive because he’ll get to call you his,” he says.
Both of us have tears in our eyes and matching heartbroken expressions. My arms itch to wrap around Cas and give him the comfort he needs, but I still have things to say. He starts to speak, but I put my hand out to stop him.
“Listen. While I’m happy you’re finally being real with me, your words won’t cut it anymore. If you want to be in my life again you need to do something about it. The warranty on those words has expired. You want our friendship back?”
“More than anything!” he responds.
“Then prove it to me! Show me this time is truly different.” As I close the door, his hand on my arm stops me. I look up at him with questioning eyes.
“I will prove to you, Aves. I’m going to make sure you see just how much I want you,” he says before walking away.
With a nod, I close the door, my head spinning with all the words we exchanged. A part of me is hopeful Cas will stick to his promise, but the doubt screams in my ear through a megaphone.
As I set them in the sink, his words hit me:
“I’m going to make sure you see just how much I want you.”
Those words cause my heart to beat in a frantic and desperate rhythm in my chest and a pulsing sensation in my core.