Chapter 20
Cassidy
Best friend bootcamp item three: stargazing
Reconnecting with Avery has been everything.
She’s no longer this shy, little girl who would hide behind me.
No, the woman before me has truly blossomed.
Seeing her self-confidence shine is amazing to watch.
I’ve done a lot to diminish her sparkle, but yet here she is, the brightest star in my universe.
Everything about her is grounding for me; therapeutic, in a sense.
Speaking of therapy, it’s been an integral part of my routine.
An addition I’m eternally grateful for as the nightmares are now a daily occurrence.
In the dreams, I’m in that same setting of the dark, dank room, but little sprinkles of details are added each night.
The most recent addition to the dream is the face of a scared boy.
He’s no older than four, maybe five, sitting on the bed, his knees drawn to his chest attempting to shrink himself as much as possible.
The more I push myself to remember, the more frustrated I become when I can't figure it out.
I put a mental bookmark on those thoughts so I can focus on my current plan of action with Avery.
Most of the photos I took yesterday weren’t usable except for one. We were chest to chest, our faces so close. You can feel the heat radiating off the still photo. So much so that I jerked off to that photo once or twice. Fuck, okay. Three times.
With two more items on my best friend boot camp list left, it feels like things are starting to go back to normal with Avery.
That moment in the water, I slipped up by telling her how she affected me before pulling her up against me.
I could swear there was a flash of hunger in her eyes, but I backed away before making a move and ruining everything.
Still, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She’s always stunning.
But underneath the sun's rays, she’s even more breathtaking.
Her skin glistens and her eyes shine. It is one thing to lay next to her, but having our pinkies interlocked robbed me of my oxygen.
Who knew that such a small gesture would cause my pulse to jackhammer beneath my chest?
I’m still stuck in that memory when I hear my phone ping with incoming texts. Not again. Why the fuck does this keep happening to me?
Unknown: Ignore me all you want, but you can’t escape me. Watch your back.
Small black dots threaten to steal my vision, but I keep breathing through the panic. Why does this keep happening? And, more importantly, what the hell do they want from me?
I click out of the text conversation and focus on regulating my breathing.
Tomorrow has to be perfect. I have already checked the weather; there is only a ten percent chance of rain, so we should be good.
When we were little, Avery and I would wait for our parents to go to bed before sneaking out with a blanket and snacks to stargaze.
One of the benefits of living in the suburbs is the view of the sky is typically clear of the lights and smog from the city.
This all stopped when high school started, though, and my heart breaks for all those lost years.
Those moments were always my favorite, which has me more nervous about recreating this memory than any of the other ones.
Shit, I need to head to the grocery store.
I frantically grab my keys still revved up from the text I got and practically fall out my front door.
Avery loves sweets, but she also is a sucker for salty.
So I make my way down the aisles, grabbing double stuffed Oreos, flamin’ hot Cheetos, watermelon Sour Patch Kids, and sour cream and onion Pringles.
I also grab some sparkling water: blue raspberry for her and black cherry for me.
As I prepare to head to the checkout, I run through the checklist in my head making sure all my bases are covered.
Something colorful flashes in my peripherals and instincts are telling me to check it out.
Alongside one of the aisles are some beaded bracelets.
My fingers play with the beads as memories of giving her a similar one years ago play in my mind.
One day when we were swimming, it broke off her wrist and fell into the water.
We spent hours looking for it, but came up empty-handed.
I’d never seen her so upset before and felt so guilty that I couldn't find it.
I grab it without a second thought and make my way back towards the checkout.
The bags of groceries are in my trunk, but I clutch onto the bracelet like a lifeline as I drive home with the biggest grin on my face.
I place everything I bought in the pantry and look around for something else to do.
The more I keep busy, the less time I have to worry.
Without my grandparents around, I have no one to take my mind off the text.
I love being around my grandparents, but it’s nice to have some alone time.
I know they worry about me, especially when I wake up from my nightmares screaming.
I try to keep everything bottled up so I'm not a burden to them. I do the same with Avery, although the more I’m around her, the more I want to let her in—but it scares me.
I need to get out of my head, so I go for a quick walk.
The sun is beginning to tuck itself in for the evening setting the sky on fire.
The nighttime August air is starting to cool down some, but I can still get away with a light zip-up hoodie.
I fill my lungs with fresh, early evening air, allowing the crisp, earthy smell to wrap around me like a sweatshirt fresh out of the dryer.
It’s soothing, comforting, intoxicating.
My mind is clear and my breathing is even.
At this moment, I’m not a recovering addict or a fuck up. I'm just me…just Cas.
In desperate need of a nap, I start towards the direction of my house when something captures my attention.
Avery sits outside with a book in one hand and a mug in the other.
Every time I see her, my heart stops and my breath catches in my throat.
You would think that my reaction wouldn't be as intense after years of being around her, but it happens every single time.
Sensing my presence, she glances up from her book and smiles before putting her book down and lifting her hand to wave.
I return the smile and wave easily, barely resisting the urge to run over and kiss her.
Her hair dances like flames underneath the setting sun.
Her eyes are my night light, keeping me safe from the monsters that hide in the dark.
Avery’s always been that for me, my glowing light guiding me home and to safety.
Avery is beauty personified. She has all of me and doesn’t even know it.
She returns to her book and I make my way inside so I can attempt a quick nap before tonight.
I’m nervous because I’m upping my game with the stargazing. I have everything ready for tonight. I don't want to give my plans away, but I want Avery to wear enough layers in case it gets too cold. I bring my phone out to pull up our text conversation and type what I want to say.
Me: Hey. Bring a sweatshirt or jacket in case you get cold. Meet me outside at 10 p.m. I think you’ll like what I have planned.
Avery: …So you won’t let me know what we’re doing?
Me: Nope, see you later.
I chat with my grandparents for a few hours, catching up with them and seeing how their vacation is going.
Despite talking to them for two hours, it still isn’t time for my evening with Avery, so I do something that I dislike immensely: clean the house.
Therapy this afternoon wiped me out emotionally, especially with how today’s session went.
My therapist challenged me left and right, calling out all my intrusive thoughts.
Regardless of all of that, I was able to share some of my career and life goals with her—something I wouldn’t have done even a year ago.
Sharing my personal goals with her while she sat there nonjudgmentally felt freeing.
While I’m grateful my grandparents are helping me out financially so I can focus on my sobriety, I don’t want to mooch off them forever.
I want to be able to provide for my future self and family.
Family. Avery. Those two words are forever synonymous in my heart.
I wouldn’t mind seeing a few mini-Avery’s running around.
Being emotionally exhausted tends to put me out for the rest of the day, but cleaning and organizing everything in the house has me feeling oddly energized. Maybe it's a control thing? Or maybe it's the anticipation of getting to see Avery soon.
My phone is pinging every other second, alerting me that my group chat with Asher and Max is very active.
They have been asking about the whole best friend bootcamp experiment since it started.
I engage as much as I can while I continue to clean the house, and before I know it, it’s almost time for the next boot camp item.
I head down to set everything up about fifteen minutes before Avery is due to arrive.
This proves to work in my favor because my nervous energy that’s swirling in my body makes it harder to not smush the snacks.
Everything is in its place and as I walk back to my house, I glance at the time on my phone.
Five more minutes to go and the nervous butterflies have only amplified.