Chapter 6
Chapter Six
Gianna
I don’t know if I can say that things are back to normal again after about six weeks.
Do you know what imposter syndrome is? I’ll give you a quick overview.
Imposter syndrome is a psychological thing, not really a disorder.
Someone feels like a fraud, like they’re an imposter.
They feel like someone will realize they’re not smart or successful.
What makes it a psychological thing is that it’s imposter syndrome when you are successful and smart.
Achievements that would normally validate a person’s abilities are ignored.
In other words, it’s a load of absolute bullshit.
You know what imposter syndrome used to be called? Self-doubt. That’s it. You know the thing about self-doubt, though? Nobody gets to act special and important like they do if they call it imposter syndrome. People post that their imposter syndrome is acting up. What the fuck? That’s just bragging.
Hey, look at all my wonderful accomplishments? Get a good look. See them. There are so damned many of them! Oh why, oh why can’t I feel good about them?
And everyone’s memorized the script because they dutifully make the complimentary comments and share great affirmations, explanations, and exhortations. You know the one thing I never see in the comments, the thing I think I might pay thousands of dollars to see?
I never see anyone just write that nobody notices you in the first place, so there’s no reason to think you’re being an imposter.
It’s like walking through Grand Central Station.
Nobody notices you. Nobody sees you. You have a job and you do it.
It’s not the big deal you think it is. Grow up, bitch.
Wow.
Okay. All right. I’m not a fan of the girl who made the post. I guess I’m also a little bit set off by her posting a link entitled ten quotes about imposter syndrome, and I think all but one of the famous people quoted are dumb hacks.
The exception is an incredible poet, but she isn’t even talking about imposter syndrome in the quote.
It might look like it, but I read her autobiography, and she’s talking about stage fright at poetry readings.
The point is, nine out of ten quotes in that article about overcoming imposter syndrome are written by people who are, essentially, imposters.
There’s a reason you have to fight to overcome feelings of inadequacy, Miss Flavor of the Month Pop Diva.
Your music is stupid and nobody will care in a few years or sooner.
Okay, yeah, I’m pissed off and I’m being mean.
Seriously, though, that list of quotes is unimpressive.
If any of my daughters excitedly tell me they want to grow up to be as successful as that poet, I’ll be thrilled.
If they excitedly tell me they want to grow up to be as successful as any of those other women, I’ll feel like crying.
Anyway, I know Melinda, the woman who posted about imposter syndrome.
She’s Kyle’s on again and off again girlfriend.
Mally—that’s the short version of Melinda, believe it or not—isn’t a horrible, no good, piece of crap whore.
I just can’t stop thinking of her that way.
I like to blame her for my brother’s addiction even though that’s bullshit.
She takes him back and then he uses again and she breaks up with him.
When she breaks up with him, he spirals out of control, and I guess I blame her for that.
I think what bugs me, though, is that she was just as addicted as he was but she’s been sober for something like four years now.
I have to admit I kind of feel like she’s terrible for getting sober but not bringing Kyle along with her.
It’s foolish. She can’t control him, and she’s right to kick him out of her life when he relapses.
I guess she’s also very kind, taking him back when he’s ready to change.
But I think what’s going on is that when I think of Mally, I just think of all the pain my brother has caused and I’m jealous that she seems to have that under control for herself.
I stare at the computer screen. I really shouldn’t be doing this at work.
I’m supposed to be checking on the next mod rollouts for the holidays.
But I can’t get my fucking brother off my mind and, well, Mally may know where he is.
I finally sent her a short message through the app asking if she’s heard from him. I don’t know if I’ll get a response, but I have to try.
I hear a knock on my office door and I close the tab. My new produce manager, Kris, wants to know if she can order extra shelving for a special display. I make my mind return to work, but Kyle is running on a hamster wheel in the background.
And that’s what I hate about all of this constant drama with my brother.
No matter how much I try to pick up the pieces and move on, he just keeps popping up and pushing himself right back into my life.
Worse, even when he disappears for a while, he never really goes away. The worry just hums in the background.
It fucking sucks.
But life isn’t fair and all that jazz. I know, I know.
Well, at least I have Colton. I’ve spent every one of his days off with him and I feel happy when I’m there.
The nagging thoughts about Kyle even manage to go away for a time.
That’s why I have something special planned for him tonight.
I want to say thank you in a very nice way.
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Does anyone know where that’s from? I mean the wink, wink thing. What’s that from?
Anyway, the point is tonight’s thank you is going to be sexy.
I look at the budget and then tell Kyle we can get the shelf he wants. He points it out and I order it. I look at my watch and decide to leave a little early today. I want plenty of time to get ready for Colton. I radio Ham and let him know that I’ll be ducking out a bit early.
“Going out with your guy? Woohoo!”
“Ham! That’s none of your business.”
“Ah, so you are going out with your guy, and again my response is woohoo!”
I laugh and cut off the radio. Now, my nerves are getting the best of me. What if Colton doesn’t like my little surprise? Well, I think he’ll like the main part, which is me, so that should be enough.
I get to my car and make sure I didn’t forget my overnight bag. A few days ago, I went to a little shop in the next town over. It was a special kind of store and, well, I bought some very sexy lingerie. Seeing it makes me blush. I’ve never been the kind of girl to wear things like this.
But for Colton, everything is worth a try.
I get to the house. My house. I don’t have to stop by the other house constantly now.
My parents’ house is just about rebuilt.
There are just some minor repairs remaining and then they’ll be good to go.
For now, they’re staying in a hotel by the other store location.
The noise of the work being done was driving my mom crazy.
I get in and get all dolled up. Wow, weird to say it that way, but that’s how I feel. Like I’m getting all glamorous like an old movie star. I put on makeup and do my hair like a pinup. The lingerie is just a filmy black baby doll with just stockings, the old-fashioned kind. No panties and no bra.
I go to the front room and face the door. I wait.
I feel like my heart is going to explode with anxiety, but finally I hear Colton.
He knocks and I call out for him to come in.
The door opens and he walks in. He sees me and everything seems to stand very still.
My God, I’ve fucked up.
But then I see his eyes roam over me and the smile on his face says it all.