Chapter 21
Rays of light streamed through Drea’s windows like ice picks to her brain. She groaned and rolled over, shielding her eyes from further assault. Pickles had other ideas, though, as he unleashed an energetic food march across her body, meowing incessantly until she finally caved.
“Alllll rriiiiggghhhhttttt already, Jesus.”
He hopped to the floor and led her to the kitchen, meowing away.
She poured his food and started some coffee, then leaned over the island and rested her head in her hand as he munched away at his kibble.
Last night had been a blur until it wasn’t.
She had stayed up most of the night sorting through the conversation with Janay, trying to figure out how she had gotten to this moment in her life, and how, after months of conversations with Cassie, so much had been left unspoken.
For most of her life she had prided herself on her ability to get others to talk.
For one, it was interesting to hear people’s stories, and also most people liked talking about themselves, and making sure women enjoyed themselves was kind of her forte.
But the biggest reason was it kept the focus off of her, the queen of avoidance.
But everything had been different with Cassie.
She knew that before they ever spent any time alone together.
She thought it was jealousy over Cassie’s bond with Sam, but what if her subconscious had known all along that this girl was different?
Maybe that was the hesitation gnawing at the edges of her mind in the beginning, warning her to keep her distance.
Not that it did much good, because little by little Cassie maneuvered into her heart and never left.
Drea had spent tons of time with interesting, even incredible, women and she probably wouldn’t ever be able to fully understand why Cassie shook her when no one else could.
She just knew that she did. So many pieces caught her attention—her vibrancy, both in her style and her personality, her dedication, her strength and competitiveness, and all the moments, heartbreaking and cruel as many seemed to be, that had made her who she was today.
But more than all of that was how she was with Cassie.
Drea had opened up to her more than anyone else in her life, in some ways even more than Sam.
In a life filled with surface-level encounters, Cassie had slipped past all of her walls without even trying and demanded more.
And as much as she tried to resist it, it had almost felt inevitable.
So, had Cassie kept her talking, the student becoming the master?
Had Drea become like so many others, grabbing the opportunity to talk and ignoring the person on the other end?
No, there was plenty she hadn’t told Cassie, and after last night, it was clear Cassie had done the same.
Maybe despite being more vulnerable with Cassie than with anyone before, they both had kept a wall up.
She knew where hers came from. That was inevitable.
But maybe Cassie never fully trusted her either, not enough to let her guard down completely.
She couldn’t blame her. She knew her own reputation, and it wasn’t based on a lie.
It was all true, every scandalous, sexy detail.
And in the end, after an amazing week together, she had proven Cassie right, ending things before Cassie could even have a say.
The coffee maker beeped, snatching her from her thoughts. She poured a cup, the sweet, nutty aroma chewing at the haze in her brain.
Pickles joined her as she nestled into the plush sofa and took a sip, the aftertaste lingering on her tongue, almost as bitter as what she must do next.
Last night had been a wake-up call, and now she had a choice to make.
She could either continue down this path as she had always done, playing the role of what people expected from her, and continuing to hide her truth, gnarly and disturbing and even sometimes beautiful, until she no longer recognized herself.
It was a comfortable route, though not painless.
The fact that she couldn’t walk it anymore without liquid courage was another warning bell.
Things were turning dark fast, and right now she still had the wherewithal to choose, but if she went much further, even that would disappear.
Or she could do what she had never done in her life, not fully anyway: the scary, terrifying, courageous thing of following her heart and doing what made her happy—no parents, no expectations, no lies.
Of course that meant first finding out what the fuck that was.
She thought about Cherie and the bar, how easy it would be to go back there and settle into the shadows, and how much she wanted a drink right now. She thought of the haunted look in the eyes of the ones who had done that, and pain pricked in her chest at the thought of becoming something similar.
But then she thought of Cassie and the butterfly, and an idea started as a whisper that grew louder in her mind.
What if? What if she tried? What if she dared to be the person she knew deep down she wanted to be?
What if she still disappointed people occasionally but at least it was while trying to do the right thing, for her and not anyone else?
What if she stopped avoiding it all and used all of the energy it took every day to hurt and run and hide to just fucking be herself?
She wiped at the tears falling off her jaw. Pickles rubbed against her, settling on her lap as the rumbles of a purr soothed her. As she tried to imagine where she would even start, what really made her happy, an image popped into her mind, of a toothy grin and a giggle that always made her smile.
She grabbed her phone and started a search.
Cassie sat in the circle with her coworkers, trying to focus on Sam, who was unwrapping her gift, but so far it was one of the most painful holiday parties she had ever attended.
“Oh my gosh,” Sam said as she unwrapped the lavender candle, then realized there was another gift in the bag and opened the matching bath salts. She scanned the people around her. “Who?”
Cassie forced a grin. “It was me.”
“Thank you. This is perfect and much needed.” Sam placed the bundle on the desk behind her. “Who’s next? Tom?” She found the gift with his name on it. “Here ya go.”
Tom leapt up from his chair and tore into the snowman wrapping paper.
Cassie tried to enjoy the moment with the community she had found working here, even Tom’s youthful exuberance on display, but she couldn’t help but sneak a few glances at Drea.
The past two days had been trying to say the least. Seeing Drea so out of it on Saturday had hit her on so many levels, the guilt and concern that she was struggling and Cassie couldn’t help her, the anger at her for getting drunk, and the pain from all the memories it brought up for her, both from her childhood and her own journey in college.
She had had no idea what to expect when she came to work today, worrying about the worst but hoping for something better for Drea.
No matter what had happened between them, she cared about her, and hated seeing her like that.
By some miracle Drea seemed like herself, maybe even better than usual.
The pang that realization caused surprised Cassie.
She was delighted that Drea was okay, she hoped so at least. But if she was okay, then that meant that she really was .
. . okay, and seeing her better than okay today meant she wasn’t struggling over their breakup or the absence of Cassie in her life.
Not like Cassie was. And that hurt, like everything about Drea seemed to lately.
She wasn’t sure how long she could last like this.
Seeing Drea every day at work, having to pretend it didn’t hurt.
It hurt to see her happy, to see her sad, and just to see her.
But this job wasn’t only a job to Cassie.
It was a home. She couldn’t let her situation with Drea ruin that.
“This is so awesome! This had to be you, right?” Tom’s words pulled Cassie from her thoughts as he pointed at Erin and waved some Star Wars figurine around.
Cassie was thankful she didn’t get Tom’s name because she would have been lost in some far-off galaxy trying to find him a gift, or was that Star Trek, or maybe Spaceballs? Anyway.
Her eyes fell on Drea by accident, for what seemed like the thousandth time today.
And as Drea met them, a small smile slipped from Cassie’s lips before she could stop it.
Seeing the small twinkle in Drea’s eyes again made her so much happier than the last time she saw her.
But there was something behind the twinkle as well and Drea looked away, leaving Cassie there as usual, alone, feeling like an idiot.
Thankfully, she only had to make it through today and then she’d have the rest of the week off for the holiday.
It had been an odd day anyway. A few accounts needed some final details to be completed, but she and Sam had nailed those out by noon, so now it was just this party.
Everyone was pretty checked out in that almost-vacation, delirious state that reminded her of senioritis back in high school.
She checked the clock, willing it to tick faster.
“Cassie.” She looked up to see Sam holding out a neatly wrapped box. “It’s your turn.”
A small burst of excitement ran through her as she took it and slid her nail under an end flap, trying not to rip the paper.
She lifted the lid of the forest-green box, and everything stopped as she gazed at the beautifully intricate ornament inside.
She looked at Drea, searching her eyes, trying to understand why she would give her such an amazing and meaningful gift, especially now when it was too late.
Drea held her gaze, and for a moment she felt the connection as emotion swirled between them.
“Do you like it?” Sam asked.