16. Chapter 16 #2
His tone tells me he’s going to start questioning our relationship again.
“Don’t. This is different. This is fun. This doesn’t have terror if you disobey—only pleasure.
What we do has consent and trust. But I’m also having to face some shit that I’ve been trying hard to bury.
” I sigh and play with the hair on his legs, under his jeans, which I like to do so much.
It’s soft. “Sorry for swearing. I’m just saying it feels wrong to look back on any of it as if it were better.
Because it wasn’t. I didn’t always hate Tito.
Sometimes I even believed him when he told me I got what I deserved.
He tried to be good to me, but I wouldn’t let him. ”
“Jinx, that’s abusive. You know that, right?”
“I do. And before you tell me again how you used that same tactic on me, it was consensual. You’re protective.
Besides, I’ve talked about this in therapy.
My doctor called it ‘trauma bonding,’ even as I was terrified of Tito.
He was all I knew. A lot of us tried to bond with him as a survival mechanism.
He never cared, though. He was always cruel.
There was never a moment he used kind words to get us to comply, as some abusers do.
It was always a terrifying experience when he was in a mood.
The rest of the time, he left us alone unless he was horny.
Then he’d just fuck us. That wasn’t so bad. ”
“I’m not experienced in such things, Jinx, but I think that makes sense. The mind often copes and adapts as best as it can to survive.”
“I miss them, too. The rest of the boys. I don’t know where they are now.
They were our family. A dysfunctional family, for sure.
Aleks seems to be the only one not fucked in the head.
Don’t get me wrong. He has PTSD, nightmares, and every once in a while, he’ll have a panic attack, but I don’t know how he smiles so much.
It seems so easy for him, while I feel like I’m grasping for something out of thin air. ”
“I wish I had some insightful words for you.”
“You don’t need to. It kind of feels good to tell my story without placating words or explanations on why I feel the way I do. This is better.”
I close my eyes as he digs his fingers into my scalp, massaging it. My body starts to melt and relax. His touch makes it easier to push the tension away.
“Do you want to know a secret?” I ask. “Something I haven’t told anyone?”
A small gasp escapes him. “You can tell me anything, Precious. I’d be honored to hear it all.”
I sigh again and roll my head so my forehead is pressed to his knee.
He can’t see me. “I hate myself. So fucking much. I may come across as strong and confident, and shit, but it’s all an act.
None of it’s real. While I have tons of fu—fudging issues, I’m not stupid.
I think that’s why I fail in so many relationships.
I don’t want anyone to know the real me, even if they understand what I’ve gone through.
I know this because it falls off as soon as someone I care about leaves the room.
It’s like I can feel its heavy weight drop.
It’s exhausting wearing the mask all the time, and when it slips, they see me.
Then they run. They all run. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this.
” I try to pull away, but Mason grabs my hair to hold me still.
“Perhaps you need to get it off your chest before you can move forward. What we’re doing and planning to do will bring up a lot of issues.
Things we keep hidden. We’re forced to look in the mirror and admit who we truly are.
To accept it and better ourselves. We can’t fix it if we don’t face it. And you can always trust me.”
I glance up at him. He looks so strong, powerful, and handsome from down here. The confidence oozes from him. You know he’s in his element. His true self. Is this mine? Am I meant to be here at his feet, worshiping him?
“Did you?” I ask.
“Did I what? Look into the mirror?”
“Yeah.”
Mason releases my hair and fingers back some rogue bangs. He has a small smile on his face, and his eyes are wistful as he stares at the fire. “So many times, my pet. So many times. And I’m having to face it again with you after so many years of denying my true self. It was my punishment.”
“Can you tell me about it?”
“Not tonight. That’s for another day.” His pretty hazel eyes land back on mine. “But I can tell you that when I started this back in college, I discovered a part of myself I didn’t know existed. It awakened something in me.”
“You were always dominant?”
He smiles softly and grazes my cheek with his thumb. “No, I started much like you. But I didn’t want that. I wanted to be just like my Dom. I learned everything from him.” Mason huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “It was completely taboo.”
I smile and gnaw on my bottom lip. “Let me guess: you started with a professor.”
A laugh bursts out of him, and he ruffles my hair. “You’re sharp as ever. Indeed. I think the risk-taking was just as fun as his teaching me to be a proper Dom. In return for good submissive behavior, he taught me something new.”
“That’s… hot.”
I think this is one of my favorite things. Not the orgasms or sex, but just… talking. Even telling him the truth about myself, I feel the noose loosen around my throat. It’s something I haven’t experienced with my girlfriends.
“It was pretty hot. He was a… good-looking man. Older than I am today. I was twenty-one at the time, and he was forty-nine. My professor changed my life. It also awakened something else in me. It was mirroring time, but I had him to talk it all out with. We agreed that I needed a place to express myself freely, without demanding parents blocking my every path except the ones they wanted me to take. Everything had been about pleasing them, to give back for their sacrifices. It got to the point where nothing felt like my own. Their intentions were good. Implementation, not so much.”
I hold back a yawn. Between his comforting touch, the soft pillow, and the warmth of the crackling fire, I’m growing sleepy. “Who was your first sub?”
Mason stands and helps me up. “Next time. We need to get you into bed.”
He takes my hand, and we head upstairs. He’s right. My feet are dragging. This thing we’re doing takes a lot of you. And this was pretty mild. I’m sure there will be days when it’s more intense.
Mason notices my lagging, so he lifts me into his arms and carries me to bed. By the time I hit the mattress and am under the covers, I’m already asleep.