Chapter 30
“Are you okay?” Leah asks, her eyebrows knitted in concern. “You look a little sick.” She places a hand across my forehead. “No fever, but you should still go to the nurse’s office and lie down for a bit. She might even give you a pass to go home. I can walk you there if you want.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I say, swinging my locker door shut. “I’ve been feeling crappy all week.”
I’m usually healthy as a horse. It’s probably just stress catching up with me.
Contending with Sandman, my mother, and the double dragons every day is finally taking a toll on me.
Sleep doesn’t come easy these days either.
I can’t close my eyes without seeing Redmond’s decapitated head.
A certifiable asshole he was, but he didn’t deserve to die, not like that. A good ass whooping would’ve sufficed.
“I spent most of second period in the bathroom puking my brains out.”
“Maybe it’s something you ate.”
“I don’t think so.” I sigh, rubbing my eyes. “Let’s just go to lunch and—”
The words die on my tongue. No! No! No! That’s not possible. I can’t be… Please, God, no.
Leah’s worried gaze sweeps over my face. “What’s wrong? You look like your puppy just got hit by a car.”
“Nothing,” I say, fumbling for an excuse. “I just… I forgot… I have to go to the library. Essay deadline for music class.”
I could use my cell to Google the question, but I don’t know what type of spy crap Sandman has installed.
“Just bring your laptop to the cafeteria and work on it there.”
“I won’t be able to concentrate with all the noise.”
“I’ll come with you,” Leah offers, fishing her cell phone out of her purse. “I’ll text Meela and let her know where to find us.”
“No!” I yell. “I mean, there’s no need. It won’t take me long. I’ll meet y’all in the cafeteria when I’m done.”
Leah eyes me for a moment, worry etched across her face. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.” I force out a laugh. “Go eat and tell Meela not to cause any trouble.”
She scoffs. “You’re kidding me, right? Trouble is that girl’s first, middle, and last name.”
“True, true,” I quip lightheartedly, though my mind is racing. “Well, see ya in a bit.”
“Alrighty.” We part ways, going in opposite directions.
I glance over my shoulder, watching her until she disappears around the corner before making a mad dash for the library.
There are still quite a few kids lingering in the hallway though the late bell is due to ring any minute now.
I’m jealous of their smiles, their youthful enthusiasm, their bright futures.
I had a bright future once too, but the universe had other plans.
I believe in destiny—it can’t be changed, can’t be escaped. It simply is.
Tears sting my eyes as I think about what could’ve been, what is, and what’s still coming. I know I’m jumping the gun, but my intuition is telling me that karma isn’t done with me—not yet.
Hell isn’t a place. Not for me.
My hell has blue eyes and blond hair.
I barrel into the library and head straight for the librarian’s desk. “Good afternoon,” I mumble breathlessly. “Is it okay if I use a computer?”
“Do you have a pass?” Ms. Tandle asks, her slim fingers pausing over her keyboard.
“It’s my lunch block.”
She nods at a clipboard on her desk. “Sign in first.”
I jot down my name and time of arrival, then sit at the computer furthest away from everyone. I don’t want my business getting out—gossip travels fast among teenagers. My hands shake as I type my question into the search bar: Can a virgin get pregnant without full penetration?
My last period was two weeks before the move. I think. I never keep up with the dates. In my defense, I never had a reason to. Redmond and I didn’t venture past second base. And Sandman… he didn’t take it. Not all the way. I can’t be pregnant. Right?
A body drops into the chair beside me, nearly scaring me six feet under. “Can a virgin get pregnant without full penetration?” Meela hoots in laughter. “What the hell, girl?”
“Jesus, Meela, shut the hell up before someone hears you,” I whisper, my eyes frantically darting around the room.
“Quiet,” Ms. Tandle hisses.
“Sorry,” Meela mouths, shaping her fingers into a heart, but the no-nonsense librarian’s face doesn’t soften. She pointedly glares at us for a few more seconds before returning to her task.
“That bitch clearly needs her muff eaten and a good dick down ASAP,” Meela mumbles under her breath, then nods at the computer screen. “What stupid-ass assignment are you researching this for?”
“It’s not for an assignment,” I grit out.
“Researching for yourself, huh?” She bumps her shoulder against mine. “Don’t tell me you don’t know how babies are made.”
I close the page and grab my purse. “Not everyone is a sex expert like you.”
“I was joking.” Meela grasps my wrist, all traces of humor gone. “What’s going on with you?”
“Leave me alone!” I jerk away from her and storm into the hallway. Ms. Tandle sputters in outrage, but I have a whopping zero fucks to give. She’s welcome to kiss my whole entire ass.
I slam into the girls’ bathroom, startling the two occupants standing at the mirror.
“What the fuck is your problem?” the first girl shrieks, her hand flying to her chest.
“I-I’m s-sorry,” I stammer, tears streaming down my cheeks.
The door squeaks open and Meela walks in, coming to a stop beside me. “Out,” she orders the pair, jabbing her thumb at the door.
“Make me,” the second girl challenges, propping a hand on her hip.
“Bitch, I will dunk your head into the fucking toilet and piss on you,” Meela snarls, taking a threatening step forward.
“Let’s go,” her friend whispers. “I heard she’s a mental case.”
“You should listen to your homegirl.” Meela clucks her tongue. “I’m totally insane.”
Meela’s challenger pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, her bravado fizzling instantly. “Freaks,” she retorts, bulldozing past us. Her sidekick follows suit.
I slump against the wall and slide to my bottom, bringing my knees to my chest.
Meela sits cross-legged opposite me. “We haven’t known each other long, but I fuck with you hard,” she states sincerely, giving my knee a tight squeeze.
“You can talk to me about anything and what’s said will stay between us, or you can tell me to mind my fucking business. Either way, I’m here for you.”
I open and close my mouth several times, unable to force the words past my tense throat. Saying them out loud gives them credence, but the truth can’t be ignored.
“I think…” The words die on my tongue. I draw my thighs tighter against my churning stomach and try again. “I think… I’m… I’m p-pregnant.”
I started taking my birth control pills as soon as I got them, but maybe it was too late.
“How late are you?”
Meela asks the question in a calm, neutral tone. If she’s shocked by my bombshell, she’s a pro at hiding it. I relax a little, grateful for her listening ear and tact in this situation.
“Two weeks, maybe.” I hesitate, mentally kicking myself for not knowing the exact date. “I’m not sure.”
“Have you ever been late before?” she probes further.
“I honestly don’t know.” I shake my head, disgusted with myself. “I’ve never actually paid attention.”
“Okay, let’s backpedal and not raise the alarm just yet. A late period doesn’t necessarily mean pregnancy,” Meela explains, covering my trembling hands with her own. “We’ll get a pregnancy test after school and—”
“I can’t buy a pregnancy test!” I explode, raw panic icing my veins. “Sandman has people watching me everywhere. He can’t know. He can’t,” I reiterate, fresh tears stinging my corneas and spilling over.
There’s no telling how he would react. His hatred for me is too potent… too lethal. I’m afraid he’ll hurt me. Yes, it’s better to keep him in the dark and pray he doesn’t find out.
“Hey, don’t worry,” she murmurs, wiping my face with her sleeve. “I’ll buy the pregnancy test while you wait in the car. He won’t find out.”
“Thank you.” I drop my chin onto my upraised knees, feeling fatigued and lightheaded.
“So let me get this straight,” Meela emphasizes, tilting her head in thought. “You’ve had sex but never full-blown, deep-in-your-guts penetration?”
Humiliation climbs up my neck and seeps into my cheeks. “Yeah. Sandman only puts the tip in.”
“Okayyy.” She drags out the word, her beautiful features squinching in confusion. “Why?”
“Because he likes toying with me.” My harsh laughter echoes through the bathroom. “I want my first time to be special, and he knows it. He can go deeper at any time and take my virginity. It’s one of his sick mind games.”
“And he comes inside you?”
I nod. “Every single time. I didn’t even think pregnancy was a possibility since he didn’t go all the way, you know?”
“Whenever semen enters a woman’s body, pregnancy is possible,” Meela explains.
“But how? How is it possible?” I ask, completely at a loss. “He didn’t pop my cherry. I would’ve known if he had, right? I would’ve been hurting and bleeding.”
I only felt pleasure. Sweet, horrible pleasure.
I shut the door on that treacherous thought immediately. Not today, Satan.
“Well, the hymen, aka the cherry, is just a layer of tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening. It doesn’t actually cover it, so technically there’s no barrier.
That’s just a myth,” she clarifies, and my jaw nearly plummets to the tile floor.
“The hymen doesn’t break, but it can tear.
It stretches and thins over time too. No hymen is exactly the same, and some women don’t bleed during their first time. ”
My fucking God. I’m clueless about my own damn body.
“How the hell do you know all this shit?”
Meela’s lip spreads into a wicked grin. “Research, babe. Tons and tons of research.”
“I’m so fucking stupid.” Too fucking stupid to be a mother.
“You’re not stupid. That fanciful shit has been drilled into our heads from a young age.” She leans in close. “Wanna know a secret? First, you have to promise to keep your lips zipped. I have a reputation to uphold.”