Chapter 23 #2
Lyah takes a deep breath, her hands resting protectively over her belly.
"I can't do this anymore, Niko. This cold, detached existence. The emotional insecurity. I won't bring our child into a home devoid of love and warmth. It’s a matter of weeks since you told me you didn’t even want this baby, and while you might have changed your mind, I haven’t seen much evidence that you really feel that way. ”
Her words hit me like a physical blow, and I struggle to keep my composure, my fists clenching at my sides. I want to argue, to tell her she's wrong, but the truth of it stings.
"What are you saying?" I manage, my voice barely above a whisper.
Lyah's eyes soften slightly, but her resolve remains firm.
"I'm saying you have a choice to make, Nikolai.
If you can't be the husband and father we need - truly present, truly caring, truly faithful - then let us go.
I'll raise this child on my own, away from all of this.
" She gestures around the opulent room. "I won't ask anything of you.
We'll disappear, start fresh somewhere, and you can take another wife, maybe someone like Catriona Smith.
You'll never have to worry about us again. "
Her words send ice through my veins. The thought of Lyah and our child vanishing from my life is unbearable. A life without them feels hollow, meaningless. The walls I've attempted to rebuild around my emotions begin to crumble again.
"No," I choke out, my voice raw with emotion I can no longer suppress. "I don't want you to go. I don’t want anyone else."
Lyah's eyes widen in surprise, and I take a step closer, fighting the urge to pull her into my arms.
“Then answer me one question, and be truthful about it,” she says, leaning back to look me in the eye. I know she’s about to judge my honesty and my response might be what seals our fate. “Are you now, or have you ever slept with Catriona… or anyone else for that matter?”
My eyes widen in shock. This is not what I was expecting.
“Lyah, I have never been unfaithful to you. Regardless of my behavior, I take our vows seriously, and I always will. Please believe me.” Now it’s her turn to look surprised, but I can see the cynicism in her eyes, too, so I do the only thing I think will convince her.
Dropping to my knees, I cup her growing belly and drop a kiss where my son is nestled in her womb, before looking up at her.
“I swear, on our baby’s life, Lyah, that’s the god’s honest truth. ”
Tears glaze her eyes, and she sucks in a breath as I climb to my feet, but I know I owe her more.
"I know I've been distant, cold even," I admit, the words tumbling out. "But it's not because I don't care. If anything, I care too much. Caring makes a man vulnerable in this world, and I’ve done my damndest to make certain that can’t happen to me again.”
Ghostly images of Agnieszka float in front of my eyes. How full of life she was and the dreadful things that were done to her before what could only have been a merciful death. A refuge from the abuse and torture she suffered.
“I had a sister…” I begin, not even knowing I was planning to tell the story I’ve done my best to bury over the years until the words are out of my mouth.
Lyah looks distraught. “I… I didn’t know,” she murmurs, looking truly devastated. “There’s no sign…”
“Technically, she was my half-sister,” I admit, not that I ever thought of her that way. She may have been my father’s indiscretion, but to both Darian and I she was family. “My father had an affair with her mother. It was mostly kept quiet, but when Darian and I found out, we wanted to know her.”
The familiar guilt washes over me, deep and piercing. Our father’s distance had kept Agnieszka safe, but our involvement with our sister let the cat out of the bag, and we were too young and stupid to understand the consequences.
No, that’s not strictly true. We truly thought Agnieszka was protected…
My voice breaks as I struggle to continue. "Agnieszka.” Just saying her name reignites the pain. “She was so vibrant, so full of life. A breath of fresh air.”
Lyah's expression softens, her hand reaching out to touch my arm. I flinch involuntarily, unaccustomed to such gentle contact, but this time I don't pull away.
"What happened to her?" Lyah asks gently, searching my face. I want to run and hide from the truth, but because she’s opening her heart to me, the words I don’t want to say tumble out.
“Darian and I were young men. Arrogant enough to think we were untouchable, and foolish enough to believe that extended to our sister.”
I swallow hard, forcing myself to meet Lyah's gaze. “What we didn’t fully understand was how the old guard, those of my father’s ilk, viewed bastard children.”
Her hand flies to her softly rounded stomach, and I know she’s remembering the accusations I flung at her. They weren’t without reason.
“Our enemies discovered her identity…” I trail off, my voice hoarse.
Lyah's eyes widen with understanding, her hand protectively cradling her belly. I can see the realization dawning on her face as she connects my past trauma to my recent behavior.
"They... they killed her, didn't they?" she whispers, her voice barely audible.
I nod, the old pain rising up like bile in my throat. But I want her to know all of it. “When they finally killed her, it was a blessing.”
Tears spring to Lyah's eyes as she grasps the full horror of what I'm implying.
She takes another step closer, and her presence comforts me.
“They used her against us. They raped and tortured her.
Sent us pieces… and videos…" I trail off, unable to continue.
The memories threaten to overwhelm me, but I force them back down.
"She was only sixteen years old, and the things they did to that sweet girl…”
My voice breaks and Emylyah cries out, flinging her arms around me on a sob. I cradle her precious body against mine, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair. For a moment, I allow myself the solace of her embrace and feel the warmth of her compassion seeping into my cold, hardened exterior.
"Oh, Niko," she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. "I had no idea. I'm so sorry."
I pull back slightly, cupping her face in my hands.
"What happened to Agnieszka changed me. My father would say for the better. It hardened me against the world, made me ruthless. I thought the only way to protect the people I care about, to keep them safe, was to become indifferent. To let everyone think I wouldn’t give a shit if something like that ever happened again. "
I take a deep breath, forcing myself to continue. “It’s why I was set against the baby.” My hands wander to her waist where I can graze my fingers against the sides of her growing bump.
My precious son.
“Things are volatile right now. Weird stuff is happening. Unexplained occurrences with no clear perpetrators. Factions are moving against us and we’re blind to the instigators and their accomplices. We’re struggling, trying to fight against an unseen enemy with our arms tied behind our back.”
I bury my face in her hair and hold her tighter.
“That’s why I freaked out when I found out you were married to someone else. It brought everything that happened with Agnieszka rushing back.”
I lift my head and stare at the ceiling, taking a small step back, but still refusing to let her go completely. “Logically, I know things are different now.”
Taking a bracing breath, I turn my gaze on Lyah.
“I am the Pakhan, and I can make the decision to protect my son, no matter his lineage. But there are still old-school members in this organization who won’t take his protection as seriously as they should.
” I hate having to admit that to her, but I need her to understand the obstacles.
“Voices of dissent we can’t afford under the current circumstances when we need, more than ever, to stand together until we know what we’re up against.”