Chapter 24 #2
I stand without thinking, still gripping the napkin in my hand. My heart is pounding way harder than it should be for someone just… leaving a dining table.
But with Alex’s hand still on me, guiding me, I don’t think I can focus on anything else.
***
I follow Alexander down a stone path behind the mansion. I don’t ask where we’re going, but then the smell hits me first—fresh hay, leather, and something deep and earthy that immediately reminds me we’re far from the polished floors and silk curtains of the mansion.
Then a long, wide building made of pale stone and dark wood beams, with an open courtyard in front, comes into view. Sunlight spills across the roof, catching on the metal accents and the weather vanes that spin lazily in the breeze.
We walk towards it, and then I register it’s a stable—a huge one at that.
Inside, the stable is alive in a different way.
Workers — a few men and women dressed in neat uniforms- move quietly between the stalls. I spot one brushing down a glossy chestnut horse, another hauling a bucket of fresh water. They glance up as Alex and I walk in, giving small, respectful nods, but otherwise keeping to themselves.
The walls are lined with rows of spacious stalls. Polished brass nameplates glint on the doors, marking each horse with sharp, elegant letters.
The horses themselves are stunning — tall, muscled, their coats shining under the shafts of sunlight that filter through the high windows.
I stick closer to Alex without meaning to. I have never seen a horse before, so seeing how big they are surprises the hell out of me. His hand brushes lightly against my lower back, grounding me. His voice is low when he speaks.
“Come on. There’s someone I want you to meet.”
He stops in front of the last stall
“This one’s mine,” he says, resting a hand on the door.
I peek around him and blink.
The horse is… stunning.
Tall, strong, and an impossible shade of pale cream. His mane is thick, almost silvery under the light. I don’t even realize I’ve taken a step back until I feel I feel Alex’s hands gripping my waist gently.
“He’s huge,” I whisper.
He gives a faint nod. “He’s a cremello. His name is Apollo.”
“You named him after a Greek god?” I couldn’t help but ask
He scoffs, “Something like that.”
I stare at the horse, and it stares back, calm, unbothered, like it knows it doesn’t need to prove anything.
“Is he… nice?” I ask.
“Yes.”
He opens the stall and steps in without hesitation. Apollo greets him with a low snort, pressing his face into Alex’s chest like they’ve done this a hundred times. Alex strokes his neck with slow, practiced movements, then begins leading him out.
I take another step away as the horse steps into the light.
Up close, he’s even more massive. I feel small. Breakable.
“Come closer,” Alex says, glancing back at me.
“I… don’t know.”
“He won’t hurt you, Lucas.”
It’s the way he says my name. Not a command. Not a tease. Just… steady. I take a hesitant step forward.
Alex guides Apollo to a stop, then motions toward me.
“Give him your hand. Let him smell you.”
I look at my hand like it might betray me, then slowly lift it. Apollo leans in, nostrils flaring, and puffs a breath of warm air across my palm. I flinch, but don’t pull back.
Alex watches silently.
“He’s soft,” I murmur.
“Touch his neck.”
I do. Carefully. The hair is warm and a little rough under my fingers. The horse turns his head slightly toward me, not in warning, just awareness.
“You ride him?” I ask, glancing at Alex.
He nods.
“Every weekend. Sometimes during the week, whenever I get the chance to come here”
I continue rubbing Apollo, admiring how good he looks
“You want to try giving him a ride?”
I immediately shake my head,
“No way.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t think I can,” I reply, “I might fall.”
“You won’t,” comes Alex’s steady reply
“I’m not even wearing boots.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he says, wiping his hands, “come here.”
I hesitate, but when his fingers graze my wrist, I go.
He positions me beside Apollo, then taps the stirrup
“Put your foot here,” he says, “and hold the saddle horn.”
I do as he says shakily.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go up.”
Alex raises a brow at that
“Just do as I say, Lucas.”
Biting my lips, I nod slowly, then I lift my foot, and I try pulling myself up, but I don’t make it far. Suddenly, his hands grip my thigh and ass.
“Lift,” he commands, and pushes
I gasp, half-startled, half —
With one strong push, I’m up. Seated in the saddle.
Legs dangling on either side. My heart pounds as I grip the reins.
Alex steps back and looks up at me. “You’re alright.”
“I feel like I’m going to slide off.”
“You’re not.”
He adjusts the reins in my hands, then places a hand gently on Apollo’s side. The horse doesn’t move, just stands perfectly still, like he knows I’m inexperienced.
“You look good up there,” Alex says quietly.
I glance down. “I look terrified.”
He huffs a faint laugh. “A little.”
Apollo moves under me with slow, steady steps.
Alex walks beside him, his hand lightly brushing the horse’s side. The sun is soft on the fields ahead—wide, endless green stretched under pale skies. I didn’t know the estate was this big. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much land that belongs to one person.
“So, um…This is all your family’s?” I ask, glancing down at him.
He nods, then looks up at me,
“You good up there?”
I give him a nod, then look up ahead.
The wind brushes through my hair. I keep my hands steady on the reins like he showed me. Apollo’s pace is so smooth that it almost feels like I’m floating.
I sneak a glance down at Alex again.
“How long have you had him?” I ask, tilting my chin toward Apollo
“Fifteen,” he replies, eyes focused ahead. “Got him when I was fourteen.”
I look down at the horse’s mane, trailing like silk in the wind.
“How old is he?”
“He’s twenty,” he says, “still quite young.”
I smile at that.
“You talked to Tyler?” Alex asks, staring up at me.
The question catches me by surprise, but I nod anyway.
“He told me you called him last night,” I say quietly. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Lucas,” he murmurs,
“Your mom…” I start to say, but then stop.
He looks up at me, urging me to continue. I smile
“She’s nice,” I say shyly, “She’s very sweet.”
This makes him give me a small smile, but he doesn’t say anything.
After a while, we ride back slowly towards the stable.
The horse’s quiet steps thud against the gravel as we near the stables.
A soft breeze curls around us, tugging lightly at the hem of the silk shirt.
The fields stretch out behind us, quiet and golden.
I glance at him now and then—his broad shoulders, his calm face, his silence that somehow always feels full instead of empty.
What is this between us? Why does it feel like something I don’t understand but can’t walk away from either?
His family, his world, the way he touches me like I’m real and not breakable—it doesn’t make sense. Nothing does. Not last night or other times when things are intimate between us, not the way I find myself feeling safe in his presence, even when I know I should be cautious.
I feel a thousand things. But I don’t know what to do with any of them.
“You confuse me,” I couldn’t help but whisper.
Alex turns slightly, glancing up at me.
“I do?”
I didn’t know he heard me, chewing my bottom lip, I nod.
“I don’t know what we’re doing,” I say. My voice is small and Uncertain.
He doesn’t reply.
We reach the stables. The scent of hay and earth settles around us. Alex helps me down Apollo gently and tells me to wait outside the stable as he takes Apollo inside to put him back in his stall.
I stand outside, wrapping my arm around my chest, looking out of the open field, unsure of everything. After a few minutes, Alex comes outside and is standing in front of me.
Without a word, he steps close and places his hands gently on my waist. I flinch—but not because I’m scared. But because every time he touches me, I feel too much. His fingers are warm and comforting.
My hands hover awkwardly by my sides. Then I look up, meeting his eyes.
“Do you regret what we did yesterday?” he asks quietly.
My heart slams in my chest. I blink. Then shake my head.
“No,” I whisper. I don’t even think I ever will.
There’s a pause.
“I know what I want,” he says. His voice is low. Steady. “I want to make you mine.”
That alone made my breath hitch.
“I’ve always wanted you, Lucas. And I know you know that.”
I do, but I don’t know why. I don’t know why he kisses me and calls me beautiful. I don’t know why he looks at me softly, like the way he’s looking at me now.
He leans in just slightly, like he’s about to say something else. But then he stops.
The silence stretches. He’s still looking at me. Through me.
“But you?” he finally says, his voice low like he’s seeing the inside of me. “You don’t know what you want.”
His words hit me like a storm.
I swallow, but my throat burns. I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say. The truth isn’t always something you can’t argue with.
Because I don’t know what I want.
My body does. It aches for him. My heart does—it races when he’s near. But my mind? My mind is a cracked, flickering place that learned long ago that I am not meant to have anything good, and I am only meant to be like my mother, probably ending up like her.
His words are not meant to be cruel, but they bring me back to my senses.
I’m not meant to be here, in this mansion, with his family, even with him.
A filthy person like me shouldn’t be here.
I look away from him, then I do something I don’t plan: I push at his hands, not harshly, but enough to make him let go.
His brows dip. “What is it?”
I shake my head, stepping back. My arms wrap around myself instinctively, like I need to hold something in before it leaks out of me.
“I want to go home,” I say, my voice small. Barely there.
Alex stares at me for a second too long. I can tell he’s trying to figure out what’s happening in my head—what changed, why I’m pulling away again.
Then he sighs, a quiet, worn-out kind of sigh.
“Is this you closing off again?” His voice is low, still calm, but there’s something in there too, “just like when I kissed you for the first time, or the second time, where you decide not to talk to me for days and only write, or yesterday when you went all silent after what we did and not wanting to look at me.”
His words aren’t angry, they aren’t even accusing, they’re just honest. And that’s what makes it feel worse.
“We can’t…” I say, tiredly trying to find my voice.
“We can’t what?” Alex asks gently
“We can’t get serious,” I say, finally trying to stop my panic from rising. “I can’t be yours, Alex, I won’t be good enough for you.”
“What do you mean?” He asks, looking confused, “Is it because of the age difference?”
“What?” I say, perplexed, “No, of course not.”
I blink at him in confusion.
“Why would you even think that?”
He searches my face for a while, then steps closer.
“So what is it?”He asks.
But I hold a hand up, stopping him from getting close to me. If he touches me, I’ll break.
“I’m not like you, Alex,” I say, more breath than sound.
“You have this perfect life and a family that wants you around and… and a future. I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time.
I’m broken in ways I can’t explain, and I don’t want you to try fixing it.
You’ll just hate me when you see what’s underneath. ”
“I know something is going on with you, that’s why I’ve been trying to hold back,” he says softly, “but if you just let me—”
“No,” I snap, then flinch at my tone.
My vision blurs. Not tears. Just pressure behind my eyes, I refuse to let it fall.
“I feel it too,” I say calmly this time, “whatever this is between us, I hate that I like it, but I can’t give you what you want, not the way you deserve.”
His face is unreadable as usual, but there’s something in his eyes that tells me he’s hurt, but I don’t think he’s hurt from the fact that I don’t want to be with him, I think he’s hurt… for me. For whatever messed me up to be like this.
“I want to go home, please,” I whisper, my voice thin and frayed, worn down by everything— this place, him.
Alex’s eyes fix on me. There’s a storm there, a thousand unsaid things pulling at his lips, straining against his restraint. For a moment, I think he’ll fight me. But then, with a long, heavy sigh, he lets it go.
“Alright,” he murmurs, low and rough. “I’ll take you home.”
The thought of being alone with him right now makes my chest tighten, makes my resolve tremble. I can’t. If he drives me, if it’s just the two of us, I’ll crumble. I’ll reach for him, and I won’t be able to stop myself. I’ll beg him to hold me, and I can’t—God, I can’t.
“I’d prefer if… Ashley or Mike dropped me off instead,” I say, my voice breaking on the words, pleading more than I want to.
His jaw locks, sharp and dangerous. He looks away, shoulders taut, as though he’s holding himself back from something reckless. Seconds stretch before he exhales, slow and heavy, and when he looks at me again, his expression is carved from the patience he clearly doesn’t have.
“Alright,” he says again, clipped, resigned.
The walk back to the mansion is suffocatingly quiet. When we arrive, Alex doesn’t linger. He leads me upstairs to his room, but doesn’t follow me in. He just stops at the doorway, as if deciding for me that space is what I need. I should be grateful—and I am—but it aches.
Inside, I pull on my jacket and shoes with shaky hands, eyes drifting over the room I’m leaving behind. My gaze catches on the table, and heat floods my chest. That’s where his mouth had been on me, where his hands had held me down, where I came undone beneath him.
The memory tears a low, frustrated sigh from me. I shove it down and force myself out of the room.
Ashley is waiting just outside. She leans casually against the wall, straightening when I close the door. Her smile is kind, steady, the opposite of the chaos clawing through me. Alex is nowhere in sight. The hollowness in my chest deepens at that.
“Ready to head home?” she asks softly.
I nod. Together, we head downstairs. The mansion feels deserted—silent halls, no trace of Alex, not even the echo of his presence.
Ashley opens the car door for me, and I sink into the seat, every part of me heavy, dragging. I keep glancing back at the house, hoping, praying for even a glimpse of him. A shadow at the window. A figure at the door. Anything.
But there’s nothing.
The car rolls down the long driveway, past the towering gates that close with a metallic finality behind us. I press my hands over my face, choking back the sound that threatens to escape, and finally let myself fall apart quietly.