Chapter 32
? Steady Heart - Kameron Marlowe
Jaxon
Griffin: Copper’s sick.
I’m standing in the middle of Mama’s kitchen with a cookie halfway to my mouth when I get the text. I don’t bother grabbing my keys as I shove out the screen door and jog down the porch steps. As soon as my feet touch solid ground, I run faster than I’ve ever gone in my entire life.
I make it to the big barn, sweat-soaked and out of breath, catching sight of Angie and Griffin near her van in the parking lot.
“What’s wrong with him?” I ask—no small talk.
“Pneumonia,” Angie says. “It started small, a simple upper respiratory infection, but he didn’t respond to the initial treatment.” She gives my shoulder a comforting squeeze, but it does nothing to quell the growing concern. “It’s gotten worse. You need to prepare yourself.”
I follow Griffin into the barn with a pit in my stomach and an overwhelming sense of foreboding. When we reach Copper’s stall, he’s much weaker than usual, and his breathing is labored.
I round on Griffin as my anger gets the better of me. “Why didn’t we catch it sooner?”
“We? And where the fuck have you been, huh? You’ve wanted nothing to do with Copper for years, and now you suddenly give a shit?”
His harsh words hit their mark, exacerbating twelve years of guilt in one fell swoop. I steel myself. Admitting my faults makes me weak, and I’m sure as shit not about to do that. “I’m here now.”
The words are hollow at best. I know in my bones I’m too goddamn late. I should’ve been looking after him the whole time. If he doesn’t make it, it’ll break me. I’ll never forgive myself.
“Arguing isn’t going to solve anything,” Angie says.
“He’s been given antibiotics and anti-inflammatories.
I’ll check back in frequently to assess his progress.
” She presses the stethoscope to his chest. “The right side is much worse than the left. I don’t feel like we need to administer a chest tube for drainage yet, but that could be the case if we don’t see any improvements with the new medication. ”
“What can I do?” I ask.
“Keep an eye on him. If anything changes, let me know immediately.”
I give her a solemn nod and let myself into his stall. Copper lets out a rasping cough and stumbles back a step.
I press my forehead to his jaw and close my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m here now.”
Angie and Griffin head out of the barn together, leaving me alone in the stall.
Copper lowers himself to the ground, his breathing labored.
It takes me a moment to compose myself as visions of Copper bolting into the distance come surging to the forefront of my mind.
I don’t have time for waking nightmares right now.
The past has no place here. I slide down the wall, prepared to stay here night and day for as long as it takes.
As Copper’s breathing slows, I glance down at the watch around my wrist. It’s exactly 8:36 p.m.
“We lost our best friend twelve years ago, didn’t we, boy?
” I rest my cheek against Copper’s shoulder and gently stroke his neck.
“The thing is, I can’t let you go, too. You’ve got too much life left in you, just like he did.
He didn’t have a chance to fight. It was over before he even knew it was happening, but you can.
You can fight like hell and make it out of this. It’s what Ryan would’ve wanted.”
Copper lets out a low groan.
“Shhhh. You’re gonna be ok. Keep fighting. I understand the urge to go to him, more than you know, but our place is here. There are people here who love us—depend on us. Pops can’t run this ranch without you. He needs you.” I pause and suck in a lungful of air. “I need you.”
For twelve years, I was too chicken shit to face anything that reminded me of Ryan. It was hard enough to keep breathing, but to have to see Copper every day was torture, so I kept my distance. I know now that was a mistake.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t around more. If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d take care of you the way I always should have. Stay with me. I’ll make up for it, I promise.”
I should’ve been there for him. I should’ve visited Ryan’s parents.
I made so many mistakes just so I wouldn’t have to reconcile with my own feelings of guilt and grief.
I goaded Ryan into racing me that day, and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
All these years, I thought I was protecting myself from the pain, but I was fucking drowning in it.
I hold out as long as I can, not wanting to leave Copper for a moment, but my eyelids grow heavy as the hours pass.
I finally relent and leave the stall to set up a cot in the tack room, close enough to hear if Copper’s in distress.
It doesn’t take long for sleep to take me, and I’m too goddamn exhausted to dream.
I wake to the sound of movement in the barn for the fourth day in a row.
I haven’t left Copper’s side for more than ten minutes to use the outdoor shower and change my clothes.
My family’s been taking turns checking in on me, each one offering to watch over Copper so I can spend the night at home, but I can’t bring myself to leave him.
The door opens, and I know it’s her before I even set eyes on her. She holds out a small basket. “I brought you something to eat.”
I stand and wrap her in my arms, letting her presence soothe the residual tension. “I need to check on Copper first,” I murmur against her hair.
The scent of her shampoo invades my senses, and I can’t resist running my fingers through the dark strands. It’s longer now, almost touching her shoulders. I’ve missed having her in my arms every night.
“Angie’s in there with him right now. You need to eat.”
“When did you get so bossy?”
“When you stopped taking care of yourself. Sit.”
Callie flips over a bucket and sets the basket on top. She pulls out a container and peels off the lid. Steam billows out, and my mouth instantly waters. “You made me an omelet?”
She pulls out another container with buttered toast and two packets of jelly. “Figured it’s the best option to cover all the nutritional bases.”
“You missed one.”
Her brows draw together as she scans the contents of the meal. “No, I didn’t.”
I hum around a bite. “Mhm. I’m afraid you did.”
“I can assure you, I did not. I followed the damn food pyramid.”
“Get over here and give me my Callie fix.” I set the container down and pull her toward me.
She stumbles, but I catch her in my arms and steal a kiss.
“Much better. Best damn chaser in the world.”
She settles sideways on my lap and picks up the container with the omelet, feeding me another bite. We stay like that until all the food is gone.
“Remember when you were sick, and I fed you soup? Do you remember how hard you fought me?”
She smiles. “How the tables have turned.”
“Mmm, but I’m a much better patient.”
She presses her lips to my nose. “You aren’t sick.”
Feels like I am. I rub a hand over my chest, trying to ease the persistent ache that’s settled there.
“How are you holding up?” she asks, sweeping a curl off my forehead.
“Better now that you’re here.”
She presses a palm to my cheek, forcing me to meet her gaze. “Cute. Now give me the real answer.”
A muscle pulls tight in my jaw, and I swallow against another surge of sadness. “I’m terrified I’m gonna lose him.”
“Him, or Ryan?”
“What do you mean?”
“Copper is all you have left of your best friend. A living, breathing reminder of what you lost, yes, but also a living, breathing embodiment of the person you once cared about. If you lose Copper, it’s like losing Ryan all over again.”
I hadn’t thought about it like that, but it makes perfect sense. I feel Ryan’s absence more acutely now than I ever have.
Callie rests her head against my shoulder. “It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.”
I thread my fingers through hers and bring them to my lips. “Will you come with me to check on him?”
“Whatever you need.”
You. Just you.
She shifts off my lap and leads me out of the tack room. Inside the stall, Copper stands upright for the first time in more than a day. A swell of pride overtakes me.
Angie is writing something on her tablet when she notices us. She gives me a tight-lipped smile. “He still has a long way to go, but he’s breathing better.”
“That’s good, right?”
“It can be, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Small improvements are good, but only time will tell with an infection like this.
” She stuffs her tablet into her bag and swings it over her shoulder.
“I have to head out to Nelson’s. Call me if anything changes.
In the meantime, try to get him to eat something.
You can soak his feed to make it easier for him. ”
“Thanks, Angie.”
She pats my shoulder. “Get some rest, Jaxon. Preferably in a real bed. You’re starting to smell like the horses.”
I glance at Callie for some support. She shrugs. “I wasn’t gonna say it but she’s not wrong.”