Chapter Twenty-Four
ENZO
Well, thank fuck my little sister isn't going to star in Pregnant Teenager Moms.
The fury drains from me.
And relief makes me boneless for a moment.
Lyndall isn't fucking pregnant.
That sinks in.
Then follows the understanding—whole and complete—of what Lola said.
Oh, fucking fuck.
It's Lola. She's pregnant.
"I'm going to be a father?"
I can't keep the grin off my face, the lightness blooming in my heart and stomach.
A father. Me.
It's not something I've thought about. Not something I ever really wanted or thought about.
I mean, being from my family, I knew I might have to marry someone picked by my father, and then we'd have kids.
Or I'd stay the fuck away from stepping into my father's shoes, and one day in something called the distant future, marry, procreate, the usual.
There's a warmth rolling through me in waves. It takes me a moment to recognize it.
Joy.
"We're having a baby?"
"I think so, I...yes. I just haven't been able to go to the doctor." She looks away, then her gaze comes back, and it floors me.
Her eyes are super bright, like she's about to cry. And there's a pinched expression on her face, like she's holding something back.
I'm not sure what it is, and I guess she just found out, but she's talking, and it takes a moment to penetrate.
"...it's why I haven't been feeling well these past couple of weeks."
"Shit. So, you're not lactose intolerant? Just morning sickness?"
Somehow, my sister must have gotten the pregnancy test in one of those orders she places. And—
Panic hits. "You've been drinking. Not much. But I know that's not good for a baby. But you didn't know. It's okay. We'll go to the doctor. We'll get married. We—"
"I didn't, though."
I frown. "Didn't what?"
"Just find out. I don't know why Lyndall didn't throw it out earlier... And I haven't been drinking. Remember the dinner here?"
For some reason, that drives it all home.
That wasn't yesterday or last week.
My lightness turns heavy, and the warmth shrivels down into coldness. A bitterness fills my mouth.
"How long?"
"Long enough," she raises her chin.
Something dark sweeps over me. "Why the fuck did you keep this from me?"
"I didn't—"
"Yeah, you did. And I'd call it a fucking nasty little secret you've been holding onto tightly." The rage almost blinds me, so I turn from her and start to pace, trying to work some of it off.
"Can you blame me for not telling you?"
"Yeah, I fucking can, Lola. I fucking can."
"It isn't a nasty little secret. I've already decided to keep it."
"Oh, have you? I don't get a say?"
She looks at me then, cold, calm stone. "No. You don't. It's my body."
"But—"
"And it isn't like I wasn't ever going to tell you. I just haven't."
"You know, I'd almost be able to understand if we were still having problems, but you forgave me."
Her face takes on a vicious expression that then turns into something that breaks my heart.
Lola shakes her head, turns, and walks from the room and up the stairs.
I follow.
What the fuck else am I meant to do?
"Lola—"
She stops ahead of me and turns. "If we're having this conversation, we're having it away from Lyndall. And if I find out you take this out on her, you'll never see me again."
My blood pounds.
Lola turns and stalks up the stairs.
What the fuck does she think I am? A monster?
"Taking what out on Lyndall? Fuck you, Lola. You should know me well enough to know I love and adore her. I'd never—" I swallow. "Not even when I thought she was the one, was I blaming her. Now him, on the other hand..."
Lola doesn't stop, doesn't turn back, and keeps going, sailing into her suite, leaving me to just follow.
A disgraced puppy, for fuck's sake.
"I'm tired, Enzo." She goes to get her sleep T.
"So what? This isn't done. I thought we were in a good place since you forgave me. You do remember the meaning of the word?" I pull out my phone and open up the dictionary app. "It means—"
"I know what it means, Enzo." She sits on the bed, her hands clasped as she takes a heaving, shuddery breath and blinks fast.
In that instant, I know I've been fooling myself.
She hasn't forgiven me. She's done nothing of the sort. She's been...what? Playing me?
But I amend that, because I'm not sure how she could when I'm the one who has her under lock and key. And we've been out twice. She's been in the office. She had drinks with her friend. And each and every time, she made no move to escape.
When I was with her, I never saw her check out means to get away.
It'd be hard, but not impossible.
Even with Lyndall, who's been watched and escorted to her classes next door to my place, and when I had security out at her recital, she could get away, too, if she tried hard enough.
This kind of protection, and I concede might feel like imprisonment, takes two people to trust. Me to trust the person not to run, and them to trust I'll keep them safe.
So, why is she looking at me like some hot and sexy monster she hates herself for wanting? And why is she so close to tears?
I try to think of the right words, try to fight through the anger that's bubbling away, the frustration wrapped tight around my throat. But it's fucking difficult.
"The betrayal is so huge, Enzo. I'm not sure how to get past it. And that's the bare-boned truth. I take a step forward, and then I reel back. And I don't want to. But I can't..." She lifts her gaze to mine. "How do I do this?"
"Forgive me?"
"Yes."
"I don't know." And I don't.
I want to say time or try harder, but I get it isn't as easy as that.
But her words rock me.
She could have told me this instead of pretending all is good. Just like she could have told me about her pregnancy.
Isn't that betrayal, too?
"I've been trying so hard. And I could have fallen for you as Alex. Maybe that's a big part of it. Because every time I try to get past it, I think of how you pushed me to fall into Alex's web...your web. You made me trust him, want him."
"And you liked it. I didn't mean for Alex to go where it did."
"But you still let it, didn't you? And worst of all, I told you all about you, and then, as Alex, you pushed me into erotic games about you, Enzo. You as Alex pushed me to pursue you as Enzo. That was really fucked up."
Was it? Because what was I going to do? Get her rocks off on her fantasies of control by commanding her into another man's bed? Two birds, one stone.
"You wanted it, Lola. Two people were involved, and you had a safe word. I gave that to you. All I did was nudge—"
"Push."
"—you into exploring your fantasies, ones you already had. And also the feelings you had. I know you well enough to know if you didn't want me, you'd have flat-out told Alex no."
Her voice comes out strangled. "Alex is you! And it doesn't matter if I wanted you or not. You still took that...vulnerability and used it against me."
My hold on the conversation slips. "Not against you. Never against you."
"Manipulation, Enzo. And it wasn't up to you to make a decision under false pretenses, even with a safe word."
I nod. "And what was I meant to do, Lola? Tell you the truth? By then we were in deep, and—"
"Yes. Yes. I expected that. It could have been a risk, but you should have owned up to pretending to be Alex. I'd have believed you if you told me you made up the name. When I told you about who my new boss was, you could have come clean that you were him."
"And you'd have taken that in your stride, would you?"
"I don't know. I will never know. I wasn't given the opportunity."
"And then what? The conversation now would be about the smaller lie leading up to me saying, 'Hey, I'm not Alex, I'm Enzo'?"
"I don't know. But maybe it would be a better, easier conversation. Again, Enzo, it wasn't up to you to make decisions for me."
I don't say a word because, as much as I hate to admit it, she's right.
"Lola...I'm sorry. I truly am. I can't turn back the clock. And I know words are cheap, but if I could, I would, and I'd sit you down and talk."
She nods tightly.
"But I can't. You get that, right? I can't. All I can do is reiterate that I'm sorry, specifically for pushing you to do things as Alex. It was wrong. And it wasn't needed for me to do anything with you in order to protect you."
I stop talking for a moment, thinking. I gesture to the bed.
She nods.
I sit next to her.
"What I'm going to say is not about me looking to soften it or anything. Wrong is wrong. But I know why I did it. I couldn't help it. I wanted you, and we had a vibe, and I crossed a line. I'm sorry."
"Okay."
I bite back a sigh. "Lola, you'd be well within your rights not to forgive me. I don't mean now, I mean one day, down the track. I get that that day might not ever come."
"God, Enzo, you make it hard..." Her voice is just above a whisper.
I push a hand through my hair. "I don't mean to. But I do hope that you can see, while what I did is questionable, my intentions were with your best interests at the core."
"My best interest was to fuck you as Alex pretending to be you? To be pushed to seduce you by you?"
"Put that way, it sounds bad. I mean, sure, I wanted you to explore the things you wanted to explore. I wanted you to have the courage to find the perimeters of your fantasies. And the thing is, your fantasies are the same ones I possess. Which is rare."
"So, it's just you, and no one else?"
I could say yes. I don't. "What we have is rare. Two people with an attraction, an affection—I hope—that are into the same kinks is rare. But it's not impossible for you to find this with someone else, if you want."
"No. I don't want. But..."
"But?" There's always a fucking but.
Lola breathes in. "But at its core, real forgiveness is about trust. And there are times I don't quite trust you.
Other times, I can't forgive you. So, I haven't.
I wish I could. Right now, I wish I could say 'I forgive you and let's move on,' but I can't. Because I keep tripping over trust and the blank slate of forgiveness. "
"Lola, no one is talking about a blank slate. We have lives, made mistakes. All of it."
"A blank slate..." It's like she's searching for words. "One that has the past still there, but it's ready for the future. I'm not there yet."
She doesn't say it, but I hear it anyway.
Maybe I never will be.
I hope she will. I need her to be.
I take her hand, lifting it and kissing it. "Lola... If you need more time, I'll give you that, as much as you need. But I hope one day you will be ready to truly forgive me." I stand. "And then we can write on that blank slate. Once it's blank for you."
The words cut into me, adding to the wounds hers made.
They're hard to say, some of the hardest.
But I fucking do it.
I'm almost at the door when she speaks.
"Enzo?"
"Yes?" I turn slowly.
Her hand is out, like she's reaching for me. "Stay?"
This isn't forgiveness.
I see it now for what it is.
A willingness to trust.
And I go to her. I take her hand.
"I'll stay."