Chapter 31
In the end, I’d opted for being chicken shit. Even Brick seemed to sense my retreat, not judging me exactly but staying close to me, as if he could sense I might need him.
I’d sent the text cancelling on Elena, turned down the ringer on my phone and settled in to work on an amino acid mapping project.
Brick settled himself under my desk—the desk I’d fucked Elena against the time when everything changed for me—and rested his head on my foot.
I tried to push back against thoughts of the woman who still took up all the available space at the front of my brain and started to outline the programming.
I managed a solid three hours before surrendering to the need to get out of my place and out of my head.
I glanced at my phone long enough to see a text from my sister reminding me of my agreement to stay with my nephews and another admonishment not to let anyone end up in Urgent Care.
She didn’t ask what I’d decided about the party, but I was sure that had more to do with her certainty that she’d get more information out of me in person than her lack of interest.
I thought about telling her I’d cancelled, and my chest tightened uncomfortably.
The part that intuitively understood the difference between self-preservation and boundaries and being a chicken shit.
I’d let myself imagine a relationship with Elena, and the first time we’d hit a conflict, I bolted.
I didn’t bother to talk things out with her or even try to make her understand.
She wasn’t one of the teachers who didn’t believe in me, and I wasn’t in high school anymore.
If I wanted something different than I’d had in the past, I needed to do something different.
Brick nudged my leg, as eager as me for a change of scenery.
I reached for his leash, thinking about how much my life had changed—for the better—since I got him and how much time I’d wasted being afraid of the responsibility of having a living thing to take care of.
Watching him pant up at me with doggy devotion, it seemed ridiculous to think I could have ever forgotten to take care of him or that he’d have let me.
Elena helped me see that—to know I was capable of taking care of another living thing. She’d trusted me to take care of her. First sexually with her surrender and then later when she got sick. She never questioned whether I could do it; she simply assumed I would.
I led Brick onto the elevator and out through the parking garage to the sidewalk.
The first couple of times we’d done it, he’d alternated between plastering himself against my leg and hunching his shoulders as if he feared the ceiling might crash down on him.
He still stayed close to me in the elevator, but the hunch was gone.
I had no doubt, given time, he’d be doggy swaggering through the garage.
We walked a couple of blocks to warm up and then picked things up to a steady run.
The dog was a natural, and by the time we crossed Canal, we’d hit our rhythm.
We stopped at one of the food carts at the edge of the park, and Brick plonked his butt down next to me, looking a lot less winded than I felt.
I ordered pulled pork sandwiches and water for both of us and took the bag to one of the benches lining the walkway.
Brick polished off his water and sandwich before I’d made a dent in mine.
Ignoring his pleading doggy eyes, I took a bite of my barbeque and scrolled to my messages.
I read the ones from Elena twice and smiled.
Not the great big smile of someone who was happy with the way his world was going, but a smaller one because I thought she was awesome too.
That didn’t change the fundamental problem of my inability to close a goddamn cabinet door and her need for order.
I could get over the stuff with the clothes.
She’d apologized, which might not have been strictly necessary but took the sting out of things.
But it didn’t change the rest. I had no idea how to turn this thing between us with all the differences and potential dragons into a functioning relationship.
Not without us ending up resenting each other for being who we were.
And as much as I hated it, I couldn’t go back to the way things were.
The sex with no strings attached—regardless of how earth-shatteringly good—wouldn’t satisfy me now that I’d had a taste of more.
Sex couldn’t come with no strings attached because I’d foolishly let my heart get all tied up in her.
Brick rested his head on my thigh, either in solidarity or in an attempt to get closer to my sandwich.
I stroked his head for a moment, glad he was there and I didn’t have to go home to an empty house, especially if I was going to lose my friend with benefits.
Even thinking of Elena like that felt wrong, which was further proof that my heart couldn’t go back to the way things were.
But I wasn’t about to ghost her either. I fed the dog my last bite of pork and slid my thumb across the screen to start a text.
ME
Apology accepted but not really necessary. I know you were trying to make things easier for me. No harm; no foul.
The three dots started moving right away, as if she’d been staring at the phone waiting for me to respond.
ELENA
I didn’t want you to think I believed you couldn’t handle things. Or that I was worried about you meeting my friends. I shouldn’t have put that kind of pressure on us. Maybe we could just go on a regular date.
There it was—the olive branch a man with any kind of goddamn sense would reach for.
I apparently had no sense. I wanted to say yes.
I wanted to try dating, to take Elena out to a restaurant and maybe even a movie in the theater.
Sitting in the dark, holding hands like a million other couples.
But when I let my mind wander down that path, I ended up in the same place as before.
With us resenting each other for things we couldn’t help.
My phone rang, and Elena’s name filled the screen. And like the colossal chicken shit I’d chosen to be, I didn’t answer.
ME
Sorry, I can’t talk right now. I’m out with the dog.
It was a stupid excuse. I could talk; it wasn’t like Brick cared.
But I didn’t trust myself to hear her voice and hold myself together.
Texting had always been easier than talking for me.
It let me organize my thoughts and usually helped me avoid making stupid mistakes. Today was clearly the exception.
ELENA
Okay. Give him a kiss on the head from me. Call later if you want or whatever.
ME
Thanks
And then, because that felt so final, I snapped a picture of the dog, sitting expectantly at my feet, and sent it to her.
Without waiting to see if she’d reply, I pitched our trash and turned back the way we’d come.
I started to run, picking up the pace as Brick fell into step beside me, and headed home feeling worse than I had when I left.