CHAPTER 17 #2
“This morning.” Nellie quirked her lips to the side, and I wondered what word she was spelling in her head. The way her eyes bounced, I knew she was spelling one. “You’ve never really talked about how much you take on, you know. I’m a bad friend for only really noticing now.”
“Hey.” I frowned, leaning forward. “You are not a bad friend. We joke about Bestie Telepathy, but you can’t actually read my mind, Nell.”
Her pinched expression hadn’t faded, the line between her brows firm. “Has this been going on since your dad passed? You taking care of everything?”
I couldn’t help it—a chuckle slipped past my lips. “It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it sound. During the school year, I just watched the kids for, like, three hours before Mom came home. Sometimes I’m in charge of dinner. It’s no big deal, Nellie.”
She didn’t immediately believe my flippant tone, eyes still scanning mine. “Is that why you didn’t apply to any other colleges? Because you can’t leave the kids alone in the fall?”
I let out a breath through my nose. Talking about college with Nellie was different than talking about it with Jamie.
With Jamie, it felt like a battle that I needed to win.
With Nellie, it felt like a war—a one-sided, internal war, and I was on the brink of waving a white flag and telling her everything.
I looked at my best friend straight on. Eleanor Brighton was beautiful, even after walking ten minutes in the mid-June heat.
Her dark hair was smoothed back in a ponytail, and her T-shirt was perfectly oversized, tucked into the waistband of her white shorts.
There was not a frizz of hair out of place, no stain on her shirt, and her socks were not mismatched.
She didn’t quite get a full ride to Mullhound, but the scholarship was generous. Her future was bright.
In the four years I’d known her, Nellie had almost never talked about her older sister, Destelle.
The resentment Nellie had for her, for leaving them all behind once she graduated high school, had been too great for her to want to even bring up Destelle.
Recently, they’d worked through some things, but old wounds took time to heal.
If I left the kids behind to go to college, just as Destelle had, would they resent me just as Nellie had? Would they pull back, look at me differently?
If I stayed, would I resent them?
You have four little roots holding you in place.
“It’s just a year,” I told Nellie, looking off to the open window.
I couldn’t see the kids from here, but I could still hear their voices.
“A gap year to save up some money while they still need me. Theo will be seven next year, and Penn will be fifteen, and old enough to watch the kids for longer periods of time. I’ll reapply to NYU next year. ”
“What happens if the kids need you next year?”
I sighed. “Nell—”
“I know. I know. I just—” Nellie lowered her voice. “I’ve always known you have to carry so much, but I always thought—well, I always thought college would be a break for you. A chance to catch your breath and focus on you again.”
That had been what I’d always told myself, too, a consolation for the hard days. Me too.
“You know how my dad’s taking a break from the juvenile courts?” Nellie went on. “He’s seeing a therapist now and all that jazz. He’s getting better.”
“That’s great to hear.” Her dad had been through hell these past few months, trying to mentally crawl his way back from burnout as a Superior Court judge. He’d bounced back in time for their eighteenth birthday and high school graduation, seeming more like himself.
“I’m sure he’d love to babysit sometime this summer if you needed a break. He’s really good with kids.”
I smiled at her, holding out the box of donut holes to her. “Thanks for offering up your dad’s free time.”
“I’m such a good daughter, aren’t I?”
We both chuckled at that. Through the window, I could hear Junie’s high-pitched laugh mixing with Ivy’s, the sound happy and light. I picked up another donut hole, but a second before biting into it, my phone vibrated.
Jamie
How’s my drawing going?
My lips curled up, and I texted back one-handed.
it hasn’t even been twelve hours. I can’t work under these stressful conditions
Jamie
It’s because you’re having a social hour instead of working on my commission
is someone feeling left out?
Jamie
I can’t feel too bad. I had all your attention last night.
Ah, right. When we’d been dancing, and I’d nearly kissed him. Right.
“I feel a little bad,” Nellie said suddenly, eerily echoing her twin’s text, drawing my focus to her. “Raelynn was crying in the club’s bathroom last night after you and Jamie left.”
“What?” I lowered my phone. “Why?”
“I guess you two were… convincing.” Nellie made a little face at the word. “I didn’t realize she liked him that much.”
“She should go out with Dalton,” I said flippantly, glancing at my phone again, at Jamie’s message. “You’d be with Beck, I’d be with Jamie, she’d be with Dalton, and Lydia… Well. Are we sure Carter’s not into her?”
I typed back a quick message to Jamie.
Last night was enough?
I’d sent the text before I realized how flirty it sounded, heart tampering faster. Would he take it as flirting? Would he chuckle and roll his eyes?
I realized Nellie didn’t reply, and when I looked up, I found her staring at me. “What?”
“You think Raelynn should date Dalton?”
“It’d get him off my back.” Which was the reason I’d started the fake relationship with Jamie in the first place.
But something about it still stopped Nellie in her tracks, and she blinked at me. “You wouldn’t be… jealous?”
Oh. Oh. That was it. “Of course not,” I said breezily, even going as far as to wave my powdered sugar-covered fingers.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Nell? I’m over him.
” And this time when I said it, the words felt sturdy.
Solid. I meant them. “Let’s stop talking about my love life, and Raelynn’s, and freaking Dalton’s. Let’s talk about yours.”
The topic change, as sharp as it was, worked. Nellie scrunched her nose. “Mine?”
“What did your crush with Beck feel like?” I batted my eyelashes at her, trying to channel my girly interest, to hide the true reason for me asking. “It’s been so long since I’ve had a true crush. Tell me what it was like for you.”
Tell me what it was like for you so I can see if I’m having the same feelings for your brother.
Nellie immediately had a sheepish smile, and she traced her knee with her finger. “Oh, I don’t know.”
“Did your heart flutter? Did you dream about him?” I nudged her with my foot. “Come on, spill. I know we don’t talk about crushes and butterflies, but I’m curious how it all played out. How did you know… the second time? I know you liked him when you were little, but how did it feel now?”
“I don’t know. I guess I had… butterflies.” Her nose scrunched further. “He told me that when you want to kiss someone, you’d look at their lips. And I caught myself looking at his… a lot.”
I looked at Jamie’s lips. A lot. “And you wanted to kiss him?”
“Like, all the time.” Nellie’s cheeks were very pink, but I only caught a glimpse before she buried her face into her palms. “Ugh, this is so cringey to talk about, Daisy. C-R-I-N-G-E-Y. I hate you.”
“You love me.” I laid my head down dramatically on the back of the couch. “Your best friend is just trying to live vicariously through you. Sue me.”
“We’ll find you a great guy,” she assured me, offering me a smile. “And you can feel all those fluttery butterfly feelings yourself.”
My phone vibrated where it sat on my leg, and I tapped the screen, finding a message from Jamie waiting.
Jamie
One night is never enough
My heart skipped a beat, so sharply that I shifted from the twinge of pain it caused. Jamie probably meant it normally, casually, but I deluded myself into thinking my best friend was flirting back.
I think I might’ve already found one.