Chapter 37
TO ERR IS HUMAN
SUYIN, WAIT!” IRIS CALLED AS SUYIN SPEED-WALKED down the path, trying to avoid this very confrontation.
Unfortunately, she wasn’t fast enough. Iris caught up just as she reached her bike.
“Jesus, woman! You’re fast.”
Suyin spun around, tucking her helmet under one arm and cocking a hip.
“I know you’re trying to run away from me,” Iris said, arching a brow.
“Why would I do that?”
Iris gave her a look that said, Really?
Suyin pinned her with a glare. She really wasn’t in the mood for psychoanalysis.
“Damn, Su,” Iris laughed, “you could turn someone to ice with that look.”
She’d take that as a compliment.
“I’m worried about you. I haven’t seen you smile in days, and it’s like you’re carrying a dark cloud around you everywhere you go. I swear even Bel was wary of pissing you off.”
She couldn’t help it. She was short-tempered and despondent lately, and it was all Murmur’s fault. She’d never been the type to get caught up on a partner. In fact, after what happened with Murmur, she’d begun to realize that she’d never experienced true feelings for another person before him.
She supposed it was karma. After years of being a shitty girlfriend and an all-round closed off, emotionally unavailable friend, the first person she really fell for turned around and crushed her in the most brutal way.
She probably deserved it. Her ex-partners would likely find it cathartic to see how miserable she was now. Didn’t make it any easier to bear though.
“I never thought I’d say this, but …” Iris took a breath. “I think you should give Murmur a second chance.”
Suyin’s head jerked back. “Are you kidding?”
“You obviously want him. A blind person could see the longing on your face when you even hear his name. You’ve got it bad, Su. I think you’re in love.”
The word “love” made her heart leap into her throat.
She pinned Iris with a furious look. It wasn’t Iris’s fault she was such a raging bitch lately, but unfortunately, Iris was her current target.
“He betrayed me, remember? Just like you said he would. He carved a sigil into my chest that could have fucking killed me.”
Iris shrugged. She actually shrugged. “Yeah, he did.” She gave Suyin a pointed look. “And then he straight-up sacrificed himself instead. I don’t know how else he could’ve proved that he didn’t want to hurt you.”
Suyin sputtered. “Are you actually—I can’t believe—” She shook herself. “He showed up at my house and fucked me senseless, all the while knowing he was going to kill me after he left. How can you think that’s okay?”
“It’s not okay. It’s messed up. I completely agree.
But … you have to give him some credit. He’s been evil for thousands of years, and this is obviously the first time he’s ever not hated someone.
He probably had no idea what to do with his feelings.
He probably didn’t even realize he had feelings.
In the past, he wouldn’t have hesitated, so I bet he was pretty damn surprised when he went to do his spell and couldn’t. ”
“I can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth,” Suyin muttered, even though she recognized the truth in them.
“Look, Lily once told me, when I was first getting to know Meph and his brothers, that I shouldn’t make the mistake of ascribing too many human attributes to them.
It sounds bad, but when you’re an immortal being who’s survived what they have, shit just takes on a different meaning.
I mean, when Belial cut off Meph’s fingers, I was screaming, and nobody else even batted an eye.
Bel just threw the fingers in the compost.”
“That is not the same thing!” Suyin cried.
“Okay, fair enough. But what I’m trying to say is, death and violence mean something different for demons than they do for us.
On top of that, you and I were born with souls, and we had parents who taught us right and wrong.
But guys like Murmur were created to be soulless forces of evil.
For longer than we can imagine, they’ve just been existing as harbingers of darkness, and then suddenly, they start developing a conscience and emotions, and they have no idea what they mean or how they’re supposed to act.
No one ever showed them what it means to be good.
“So when Murmur realized he needed to sacrifice you for his spell, he probably didn’t recognize the bond you guys had because he had no idea what friendship or romantic feelings even felt like.
I imagine that it wasn’t until he went to do the sacrifice that he realized what it would mean for him to lose you forever, and that was probably when it sank in how he felt about you. ”
“Shit, Iris.” Suyin set her helmet on her bike seat and dragged her hair back from her face. “I can’t believe it’s you saying this. A year ago, you would have been telling me to practice summoning hellfire so I could kill him.”
“I know.” Iris smiled sheepishly. “But people change. And that’s exactly my point.
Think about how big of a jump Murmur had to make between plotting to sacrifice you and deciding to take his own life to save yours.
I mean, his spell was so important he was willing to die for it.
Not finishing it wasn’t an option. So he literally died so that you didn’t have to.
I know he fucked up, and it’s good that you made him pay for it, but I don’t think there was a better way to prove that he’d changed than the decision he made to sacrifice himself for you. Talk about your grand gestures.”
“Shit,” Suyin said again. “I’ve spent the last week trying to convince myself that what he did was unforgivable. And now this? I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
“I went through something kinda similar with Meph,” Iris explained.
“I hated demons, but I wanted him. We started messing around, and I thought it was casual. When he told me he had feelings, I wasn’t ready to go there, and then Valefor took Meph, and everything went to shit.
I guess I sympathize with Murmur in that way.
I really hurt Meph, but I felt justified in it.
It wasn’t till I was faced with losing him that I realized how important he was to me.
I hate that I couldn’t see it until I thought I’d lost him forever, but that was what it took.
And damn if I didn’t learn my lesson. I’m never taking him for granted again. ”
Suyin stared at her friend. Her eyes stung, and her throat felt like it was choking her. “I get it. I just … I thought you hated Murmur. You told me to stay away from him and not to trust anything he said.”
“Yeah, well, Bel told us everything Murmur said when he confronted him—how he’s been plotting this insane thing with Lucifer—and I guess, now that I understand his motives, I can see why he is the way he is.
He doesn’t trust anybody, and that’s smart for someone who lives in Hell. I’ve been there. It’s awful.”
“It’s not so bad,” Suyin said, thinking of Murmur’s library, the red-skinned demon who’d called her Mistress, and even the red sky and confusingly long nights.
Iris laughed. “Only you would say that.”
Suyin shrugged and suddenly thought about her parents.
Gamigin had been a demon, which meant that no matter how noble or loving he’d eventually become, at one point he’d been just as evil as any soulless being of Hell.
Had her mother struggled to come to terms with that when they’d first gotten together? Had she even known? Surely she wouldn’t have welcomed his presence initially if she’d realized what he was. Maybe Gamigin had lied to her and pretended to be human.
If that was the case, how long had it taken her to forgive him when she found out the truth? How had she known without a doubt that she could trust his word, that he wouldn’t hurt her or lie to her again?
She hadn’t, Suyin realized. Because that wasn’t how trust worked. Just like she’d told Murmur, there was no vow that could be sworn or contract that could be signed. Trust had to be given freely. It could never be bought.
No matter what had happened with Suyin’s parents, at some point Fay would have had to make the choice to trust a demon. She would’ve had to take a leap of faith, to listen to her intuition and choose to believe in someone with the power to hurt her.
And if she hadn’t done that, then Suyin wouldn’t exist and neither would The Book of Gamigin. And then Murmur’s spell wouldn’t have come to fruition, which meant that when Lucifer killed Gamigin, there would’ve been no one else who knew of the prison and had the power to free him.
It was a bit of an oversimplification, but Suyin couldn’t help feeling like everything that had occurred all came back to her mother’s choice to trust.
And that felt pretty fucking important.
Iris’s voice cut through her revelations. “Look, I’ve been thinking this for days, and now I’m just going to say it, even if it’s harsh. You’ve been miserable since you kicked Murmur out of your life. You’re moping around, and no offense, but you’re acting like a bitch.”
“I know,” Suyin grumbled, shuffling a foot.
“I’m sick of seeing you pining for a demon who’s equally obsessed with you.
I mean, he’s been stalking you from the moment he left.
That was obviously one of his freaky ghost slaves who kept the plate from hitting your head back there.
So hurry up and give him a second chance or just decide to get over him, because you can’t keep this up forever. ”
Suyin stared at the ground. “I don’t know if I can get over him. I’ve been trying, and it’s not working.”
Iris smiled a little. “You’re in love.”
Suyin’s gaze shot to Iris’s. “What? No, I can’t—I’m …” Shit, she was, wasn’t she?
Iris’s amusement increased. “You definitely are. Don’t look so terrified—it’s not a bad thing. Have you even been in love before?”