21. Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
Lina
C arter slams me against the unforgiving wood of his door. His hands slide up my sweaty back from our longer-than-usual run. I guess the last time wasn’t going to be the last time. “Fuck, you smell good,” he groans into the sensitive skin on my neck. Chills span my entire body while I struggle to stay upright on unstable legs.
I haven’t seen Carter in almost two weeks because we’ve been on opposite flight schedules—and even though I told myself we won’t be messing around anymore, that promise went out the window the minute I saw him.
My body is not used to this much attention, and I’ve had to take care of myself more than usual. I crave his scent, his taste, and his touch when I wake up in the morning and when I go to sleep at night. I’ve woken up multiple times after fever dreams, humping the side of my pillow like some feral animal.
This is the first time we’ve both been back in town with verbally acknowledging each other. Using jogging as an excuse to be together, I’m terrified to let this game of back-and-forth end. I fight a daily battle between how my body needs him while my mind reminds me we shouldn’t be together. We’ve lit a match in the middle of a forest that will only end in pain and destruction.
My heart is caught in the middle, free-falling a little more each time I see him. And every time I feel him buried deep inside of me.
“We need to go inside,” I squeak, letting my fingers run through his thick, dark hair. The dampness of it electrifies me.
His tongue runs down my neck, onto my chest, and then over the valley between my breasts. “The taste of you makes me fucking insane.”
Dipping my head bashfully, I giggle, enjoying being coated in his saliva.
“Hey, Carter!” A voice from behind startles both Carter and me. I pull away quickly. Then I remember we are in the hallway of his condo building. It was exactly what I needed to get back to reality from my drunk-in-lust state.
“Hi, Abby, how are you?” he greets the short woman holding the red handle of a dog leash.
“I’m good,” she returns.
“This is my friend, Lina.” He gestures toward me.
“Hi, nice to meet you.” I’m sure my face is beet red when I stick my hand out to shake hers.
“Abby and her girlfriend Ashley are my neighbors,” he explains, bending to scratch the head of the small dog wagging its tail.
“Oh, and this is Snickers,” she says in a childlike voice. “He likes his walks before momma gets home, huh?”
I’m not much of a dog person—I prefer cats, but this dog is adorable. “He’s so cute.”
“It’s a beautiful night,” Carter replies, sticking his key in the door.
“Yes,” Abby says as she walks down the hallway toward the elevators. “It was nice to meet you, Lina.”
“You too!” I wave.
“Bye,” Carter says before our eyes lock again.
Biting my bottom lip, I refocus on the floor. “I should probably go.”
Carter pinches my chin between his two fingers. “Stay with me, baby.”
I blink away a few times, my eyes suddenly leaking. I’m unsure if it’s from the cool air or the last bit of self-control I have, but when he calls me baby , my insides liquify. I want to be his, but I fucking can’t.
I sigh. “I shouldn’t.”
Carter’s eyes find my lips. They unintentionally part, expecting to kiss him. Moving my face away, his fingers drop from their grip. Without saying a word, I slowly turn away from him and round the corner toward the elevators.
My heart squeezes itself. Why am I walking away? No one can know what Carter and I are doing, but that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to do it. He makes me feel good. Why should I deny myself of that? Fuck it. I turn quickly on my heels and zip back around the corner.
Unexpectedly, he’s still leaning against the wall outside his condo, arms crossed at his chest, like he knew I’d change my mind and come back.
“Okay, I’ll come in. But no sex.”
Both of his hands go up in surrender. “Fine. Let’s hang out and order takeout like friends. ”
“I am starving from that workout.” My mouth curves up on one side, knowing all too well that as soon as I walk through that door, I’ll be powerless to stop him. “Deal.”
After dinner, Carter and I lie on his couch. I sense myself nervous about the time. The later it gets, the more aware I become of how long I’ve been here. Our visits with each other are getting longer, and it’s becoming harder for me to leave.
He drapes his body over me, resting his head on my stomach. “Some days were harder than others.”
“I can’t imagine.”
I feel his heavy exhale vibrate through my muscles. “Most of the time, we didn’t even know what type of mission we were being sent into.”
“I’m sure that was difficult.”
“The other guys used to look at me for advice or guidance in some of these stressful situations, so I learned to lead pretty quickly out of training.”
“You have that calm, confidence about you that people can easily admire.”
“Thanks, baby. I was on the path to becoming a flight instructor right before I moved to Arizona,” he says, leaving kisses on the sliver of skin from where my shirt has risen up.
“You moved back because of your grandmother?”
He runs his nose back and forth over my tingling skin. The gesture is sweet and passionate. I’m not sure he even knows he’s doing it like it comes naturally. “Yeah. I wasn’t too worried about her after my grandfather passed because she was involved in all these clubs and groups with other women her age. She had a lot of friends. But over time, her disease progressed, and she could no longer take care of herself.”
“I’m sorry. That must have been so hard for you to be away.” My heart is heavy for him.
“For sure. And that’s how I ended up here, flying commercial.” I exhale a heavy breath. “Thanks to one of my closest friends.” We exchange a brief glance, both of us acutely aware of who he is referring to.
I knew bits and pieces of his story but not the details. As I put everything into place, I realize Carter was always going to be here for only a short time.
“I’m glad you’re here.” I thread my fingers through his dark, silky hair.
He smiles. “Me too. It was the right move. Although I struggled at first with turning down an instructor position at one of the Navy’s most prestigious flight schools.”
I scratch my head, imagining how difficult that decision was for him. That world is all he knows. His decision to put his life on hold was a selfless and completely authentic action that shows what type of man he is. And it painfully deepens my feelings for him.
My eyes roam the back of his biceps, visually tracing another one of his tattoos. This one is an F-18 fighter jet. I recognize it instantly—a tattoo that speaks to my soul. Being in the air is the best feeling—it’s powerful and euphoric.
“How is she doing?” I ask.
“It’s an ugly disease, but she has excellent doctors.” He sighs. “I’m grateful to be around her now. I never had a wife or children while in the Navy to worry about me, but I know she and my grandfather always did. At the same time, she was extremely proud.” Carter’s voice is low.
I feel closer to him in this moment than I do with most people. I question if this is strong physical attraction—or if what we experience together is more than just physical.
“I bet she was and still is extremely proud of you and the man you’ve become.”
“I know she is.” His hands slide underneath my ass. Both of his palms grasp at me, pulling me down closer. I go limp, falling victim to each one of his gentle yet firm demands. I let him move me however he wants.
“I’m sure it was hard on my dad too,” I reply without a prior thought. Carter’s muscles stiffen. Shit . I shouldn’t have mentioned my dad. “Sorry.”
Without having to explain, he knows exactly what I’m apologizing for. I cup his face with my hands and let my fingertips brush against the heavenly prickle of his stubble. I lift him to make eye contact with me. “I should go now. It’s getting late.”
He nods.
I brace myself with my elbow pushing into a sitting position, but then I feel the hot, wet sensation of Carter’s tongue along the sliver of exposed skin between my pants and my workout tank top. I fall back onto the couch.
“I need a taste, Lina. Please,” he begs, propping up my hips while using his chin to push down the hem of my pants.
“You promised. A deal is a deal,” I say, without conviction behind my words.
“You said no sex. You didn’t say we couldn’t do anything else,” he mumbles, his breath filled with warmth .
God, I want him inside me so fucking bad. I squeeze my eyelids shut and wipe a hand down my face. “I can’t. We can’t. What we’re doing is confusing me.”
“We’re being with each other. That’s what this is. Us being us .” He slowly crawls up my body and rests his forehead against mine. “We’re perfect, baby. You know that.”
“We are.” I rub my nose against his. “I know we are.”
Carter lowers his weight on top of me. “I know what you mean, though.” I purse my lips together. He sees my confusion and answers before I have the chance to ask for clarity. “When it’s us, we’re in this simple little bubble—our own world.”
Exhaling deeply, I fear for the continuation of this conversation and now regret bringing it up. I want to feel good right now, and when I’m with Carter, it feels easy and light—yet electric and intense. A combination of emotions that are deep but liberating.
“Let’s not talk about it.” I force a smile.
He flexes. “Alright.”
Carter’s heavy body lays over me, his weight slightly lifting onto his elbows at my sides. He rests his head on my chest while my fingers are back, combing through his silky, dark hair.
“Do you miss flying?” I ask, attempting to change the subject.
His chest bounces on top of mine as he laughs. “I fly now.”
I laugh. “Well, yeah, but I mean in the same way you used to.”
His body on me is absolute—a weighted blanket calming my nervous system and grounding me. I could lay here with him forever.
“Yes—and no.”
“What do you mean? ”
He lifts his head, his chin resting on my sternum. “I never knew where I was going or what I’d be flying into.” His eyes drift away as if in the middle of a memory. “Sometimes we’d get word, other times we didn’t, which caused us to live in those moments with trepidation.”
“That definitely takes a specific personality, doesn’t it?”
He nods. “Absolutely. Most of us were in it for different reasons, but we all shared a profound desire to travel the world.” He tucks his hands between the backs of my legs and the cushions on the couch.
“I bet you had women in every country, didn’t you?” I say, with a mix of playfulness and insecurity.
“I wasn’t tied down, if that’s what you’re implying.” He presses a kiss on the top of my chest. “But I loved the excitement of it all. Being on the go, never knowing where I’d be going or where I’d end up.” He glances up, but I keep my eyes trained away. How did I ask him that? It’s not my place and none of my business. I have no right to be jealous—I have no claim to him.
“You okay?” he asks, concerned.
My initial jealousy, stemming from the thought of Carter with multiple women, calmed a bit, but it slowly morphed into thoughts of my dad and what type of life he had experienced. I don’t even know my own father. This part of his life is a mystery to me. Maybe I’ve acted a little selfish since he came back into my life.
“Yeah, fine,” I dismiss.
His eyebrows pinch together in uncertainty with my answer, but he lets it go.
The focus has been on me and my life—how my dad fits into my world as an adult woman. But how can I fit myself into his? I would love to know more about him and his extraordinary life before returning to mine.
Now I’m sleeping with his best friend.
I rub my eyes, feeling tired. “Do you miss it?”
“That’s not a simple answer. I love the excitement of traveling. Sleeping in one city one night and another the next. I live for it.”
I smile to myself, feeling that passion for him.
“It’s like no other. Not many people have the desire for that sort of life,” he adds softly.
My eyes memorize the landscape of his arms and back and the intricate details of his muscles, and how his skin expands with each breath. “What made you decide to leave that life behind and move into a different role?”
“I think it was around the fifteen-year mark that I realized there had to be more to life than the climb, cruise, descent, landing.”
I giggle. “You do the same thing now as a commercial pilot, don’t you?”
He laughs, cupping both of my ass cheeks and squeezing. “In some ways.”
“All jokes aside, I feel it, though, because the sky speaks to me the same way,” I admit.
He flashes me a side smile, partly showing his straight white teeth. “And yes, you’re right, I do something similar, yeah, but it’s a different type of—”
“Rush?” I complete his thought.
“Yes.”
Still worried about the amount of intimate time we’re spending together, my skin feels anxious to leave. It’s the only way to keep this casual and protect my feelings.
“I should go,” I say, contradicting what my heart wants. Thank god my brain and past experiences are there to remind me that I won’t get happiness. I’m the girl to be played with.
“If that’s what you want.” Carter lifts off of me, and suddenly—I’m empty.