61. Ryker
61
Ryker
E vening came so fast. I didn’t expect to take so long.
Turning the key, I open the door, and immediately see her sleeping in my chair, wearing nothing but my old college hoodie. Fuck if the sight alone doesn’t have my pulse skyrocketing and my heart pumping hard in my chest. I remember the first day I brought her here. Now she takes up the space like it’s her own. If I had it my way, I’d give her everything.
I sit across from her, but she doesn’t move, so I reach over and gently caress her bare thigh.
“Hey, Daddy,” she yawns. “What time is it?”
“Later than I was planning. I’m sorry, sweet girl. Did you eat?”
She nods and it makes me smile, because I also remember a time when I had to push her to actually eat. Lately, she hasn’t pushed back on that issue. Good. I fucking love her body. She should eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Full stop.
“Good girl,” I praise as I stare at her like I’m trying to memorize every part of her. Probably because I am. “Baby, we need to talk.”
“Okay,” she says suspiciously and my chest tightens at her wariness.
I wipe my clammy palms against my jeans and ball my hands into fists. I’ve never had a problem with eye contact, but looking her in the eyes for this is going to break me. Nothing has changed, I have to do it. Then I blow out a shaky breath. Here goes nothing.
“There’s no easy way to talk to you about this, but we need to revisit our original agreement. We said we’d do it after a few months and that time has come.”
“Okay. Well, I want to keep doing this with you. Can we do another one?” She blinks in my direction like she’s confused, trying to figure out what my point is. “I give you my explicit and enthusiastic consent.”
Reaching across, I pull her small hands into mine. “Here’s the thing. I want nothing more than to keep doing this with you and I don’t need or want an agreement to do it. We’ve moved way beyond agreements and contracts at this point. That ship has fully sailed.” I wince as she lets out a slow, measured breath. “But I do think we need to take a break.”
“What? No! I don’t want that.” She pulls her hands from mine and I can already see the tears pooling in her eyes.
“Shhh,” I let out in a lame attempt to soothe her. “I need you to listen to what I have to say, please.”
Fuck, I don’t want to do this.
“Don’t do this,” she pleads so softly, I can barely hear it.
“I’m doing this because I love you, Bella. I wish you could see yourself how I see you. Beautiful, smart, kind, loving. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. There is not a thing in this world I wouldn’t give you or do for you, because you literally hold my heart in your hands. My heart will always belong to you. But I’m holding you back and I won’t do it anymore. Your mother is a problem. She treats you like shit… and you let her. I can’t sit by and watch it happen, because it breaks my heart and I’ll never stop wanting to fight your battles and demons for you. This one… only you can fight. And until you do… this can’t continue.”
As soon as the words leave my lips, I wish I could take them back.
“But I can do it. I don’t need you to fight them for me. I promise I’ll do better,” she cries.
“Baby, it’s not about being better. I only want you to be you, because you are worthy and you are enough.” She’s so much more than enough. “But until you see that for yourself, and believe it, we’ll be stuck in this never ending loop of you being hurt, and me making it all better, without anything ever getting fixed.”
Her head hangs low as quiet sobs wrack her body. I’ll never be more pissed off than I am at myself, at this very moment.
I’ve hurt her and I can only hope one day she’ll forgive me.
“Please,” she begs between sobs. “You said you were going to teach me. We’re not done yet.”
She’s grasping at whatever straws she can get her hands on, but there’s nothing she can say to change my mind. Besides, she doesn’t need me. She’s got everything she needs, inside of her.
“My sweet girl, I only unlocked the door. You’re the one who walked through it. You don’t need me. You never did. I may have taught you how to be my submissive, but you were born with the basics. I didn’t teach you shit, because there was nothing to teach. Not really.”
“What can I do? Please.” Tears stream down her face and her eyes look more blue than green in this light.
I could tell her the answer, but I need her to figure it out for herself.
If she does, I’ll be here waiting for her.
“My mind is made up, beautiful. It’s done.”
Arabella
Doesn’t he realize he’s breaking my heart in two? Does he care?
“No,” I spit angrily, moving closer to him and pounding on his chest. “No. No. No. No. No. Fuck you. You don’t get to take me in, and show me this whole new world I didn’t know existed, just to dump me back into my shitty life! Just no!”
I’m still wailing on his chest when he grabs both my wrists and pulls them down to stop me from hitting him.
“Hate me if that’s what you need to do. I accept that,” he grits through clenched teeth.
My chest is still heaving as I try to pull my arms from his steady hold. He doesn’t even budge as he holds me where he wants me. We face off in silence, and I stare up at him looking for any sign that I’m being punked. But I don’t find what I’m looking for.
“Where am I supposed to go?” I whisper in weak resignation.
“I spent the day fixing up your apartment, so it’s not such a shithole for you.” When I pull myself away this time, he releases me and I turn away from him. I can’t handle him seeing me cry like this any longer. “Your rent is paid up for the next six months. You can keep your job at Gravity. I’ll be working from home for a while, so you don’t have to worry about seeing me. Jake and Roxie can handle the bar in my absence.”
He’s really doing this. It hits me like a brick wall to the face. I should have seen this coming.
No one stays.
“I thought you were different, but you aren't.”
My mother’s words start swirling in my head like a tornado. You’re too much. It’s all your fault. If you lost some weight, you’d have a boyfriend. You’re not enough. You’re not worthy of love.
“You told me I was enough.”
“Baby,” he takes a step toward me, causing me to take a responding step back. “You are more than enough.”
“If that were true,” I blink slowly upward to meet his eyes. “You wouldn’t be throwing me away.”