Chapter 56
FIFTY-SIX
DECLAN
I stand beneath the large maple tree, careful not to touch the sticky sap. With my sunglasses on and hands shoved in my pockets, I watch Andy from afar as she stands in front of the crowd gathered at the cemetery to lay Diane Harris to rest.
Two months ago, before Andy walked out of my life, she'd told me about her time with Diane and getting to know her as they navigated their strained relationship. She'd been uneasy and rightfully skeptical, but I saw the excitement in her brown eyes. Although her mouth said one thing, her eyes never lied, and I know she was still a scared little girl, desperate for her mother's attention.
I don't know where it went wrong. The moment Diane decided to give drugs another try, rather than remaining sober for Andy and Max.
Part of me is furious with a dead woman I've never met because now Andy is alone.
But hadn't I done the same thing?
I fucked-up, broke her heart, betrayed her trust, and I know it's not likely I'll ever have it again.
I wish I could say I cleaned myself up since she walked out on me, but the truth is, I've fallen deeper. I'm not proud of my life and how I live, but I'm glad that Andy had the strength to walk away from us. From me. I never would've been strong enough, and I'd have dragged her down for as long as she allowed it.
The crowd begins to leave until Andy is the only one remaining. She stares down at the casket, watching as it's lowered into the ground. All I want is to wrap her in my arms and be a strong shoulder for her to cry on, but I can't. I'm not strong. The truth is, I'm fucking lost right now. Floating through my life, no longer caring if I live to see tomorrow.
Right now, I should be sober and preparing for tour, instead, I'm the reason for yet another delay with my band.
One of these days, I will get my shit together.
My focus had been solely on Andy, that I hadn't noticed the small figure walking toward me, until she's standing right in front of me.
Max's big brown eyes stare up at me, a brown bear hooked beneath the crook of her arm, pouty lips downturned into a frown. "Declan?" It's the first time she's used my name. She's always called me best friend , but I guess she's figured out I'm no longer worthy of that title.
I stare down at the little girl, guilt swallowing me over the fact it wasn't just Andy that I fucked over. It was her innocent daughter, too.
"Hi, Max," I croak, voice raw with emotion.
Tears roll down her round cheeks, but she stands strong. She is a brave girl, just like her mother.
"Mommy said you were sick. Are you still sick?" I nod, already knowing what Andy had told her months ago. "Will you come home after you get better?" she asks, eyes full of hope. All I want is to tell her yes and run off into the sunset to live happily ever after with her and Andy, but that time has passed. I fucked it up, and I'm not going to get another chance.
Instead of lying to her, I shake my head.
"You're not my best friend anymore. You left us." She sniffles, bottom lip jutting out and trembling. "I thought you wanted to be my daddy." Her whispered words break what's left of my heart, and her gaze falls to the ground as she kicks at a nearby rock.
Beneath my dark glasses, tears fill my eyes as I lose my balance at the words that feel like a punch to the gut. I stumble back, falling against the sappy tree.
Max turns away, running toward the blonde woman waiting for her in the distance, who I assume is Lucy. She pins me with a look but doesn't say anything.
With my head held high, I turn and walk away.
The feeling of familiar eyes on me sends warmth through my body, the hair on my arms standing. I already know Andy is staring at me without looking over my shoulder. As much as I want to turn around and see her beautiful face, I force myself to continue walking, staring straight ahead as tears freely slip beneath my glasses, landing on my white dress shirt.
Keep walking.
Don't look back.
I force myself to continue, knowing I don't deserve to look Andy in the eye.
This is me.
This is my life.
Destroying everything I touch.
I'd always known our time together would be temporary.
No matter what happens in life from this point forward, I'll never stop loving the girl who set my soul on fire and made me feel worthy of her love.
Every tomorrow I'm given, she will be the one I think of.