Chapter 37 #2
“We need to get a few things decided before I go; we’ll need to all work together,” she said softly, never imagining she would talk to her grandmother in such a way. “But I need to head back to the brigade soon so I am not missed. I need to get everyone on board on that side too.”
And the thought of that twisted her gut even worse.
She had amends to make. And she had to hope Karvek did not know she had left the mission, that Vaneshta had not turned back early.
It had been yesterday that Hadima had tried to take on Karvek, that Iryana had left Vaneshta and Lidishta in the woods.
They’d be returning to the fort soon.
“We should hold off on the ceremony until after we deal with the 18th and Karvek,” Iryana suggested, having waited until the representative left.
The First narrowed her eyes.
“Just in case,” Iryana rushed to add. There would be risk, and the clan didn’t have room for much more. “So that if something happens, the Kleesolds don’t have to wait for a fourth.”
“That’s practical,” the First finally agreed, though her expression was grim.
Iryana hesitated for a moment before reaching over and squeezing the First’s hand.
Her grandmother squeezed back. “What else?”
She was worried, but Iryana couldn’t help the lightness she felt. The hope. Iryana still had to reckon with the choices she’d made and hope it wasn’t too late. But she had to try.
It was time to return to the fortress.
In a stroke of luck, she ran into Pyetar first.
He didn’t notice her walking up behind him where he stood overlooking the training yard from the raised pathway along the barrack wall. If she had no other motive, she would have sneaked past. She wasn’t ready to face him yet.
I hear you clearly now, he’d said coldly. Then he had turned away from her, done with her.
But she needed to know what she was walking into when she went to find Karvek.
If he already knew she had abandoned her team…
She could imagine him shoving her against the wall, hand tight on her throat.
Squeezing until she spasmed and drew still.
Until everything went dark. Until she let her family down again.
“Captain,” she said quietly, coming to stand beside him.
He jerked to look at her, soft blue eyes wide. His body sagged as if laundry unclipped from the line. “Iryana?”
There were dark smudges under his eyes; he should have looked awful, but it just made his eyes brighter. He was so handsome, she wished she had let herself appreciate that more.
This is never going to happen. I don’t want it to. That’s what she’d told him. After he’d bared his heart, wanted to run away from this mess with her.
Gods, she was such an idiot.
“Iryana?” he repeated, his voice harder.
“Are Sergeant Vaneshta and Sena Lidishta back from our mission yet?”
His eyes shuttered and turned from her slightly. “The one you went on with them?” He at least kept his voice soft so it wouldn’t be heard over the cracking of practice staves and slide of feet against the dirt.
“Yes.”
“Yes, they returned a little bit ago.” Pyetar turned further away from her.
“Have they said anything?”
He swallowed. “Anything like what?”
She chewed on her bottom lip. “Just… anything out of the usual.”
“No.”
She nearly cheered with relief. There was a chance then.
But then she noticed the way his hands were clutching the railing, the way his jaw clenched like he couldn’t wait for her to leave. He may never forgive her. That she could accept responsibility for. Not because there was something wrong with her, but because she’d pushed him away too many times.
“I see my brother is still a problem.” Pyetar’s voice was rough and cold all at the same time.
“Yes.” She gathered her courage. “I need you to know I’m sorry for so many things. I want to explain, and I will soon. But I have to go talk to him.”
She turned to go, but Pyetar caught her arm. “Does he know you tried something?”
So he still cared at least.
“I don’t think so, but the sooner I can talk to him, the better.”
Pulling from his grasp, Iryana hurried away from Pyetar. He deserved so much from her, an explanation to start. But that would have to come later. If she could make it through seeing Karvek without giving anything away. If he didn’t already know she’d left her team…
The first step of her plan was making sure Karvek didn’t suspect anything, to convince him otherwise if he did.
Iryana searched within herself for every shred of worry and doubt and tucked them deep inside so they wouldn’t leak out.
She pictured coming back from the mission, going to Karvek, him revealing the mole he caught; them celebrating together.
She pictured it over and over until she could hardly imagine anything else happening.
And then she knocked on his office door, heart beating far too quickly.
“Come in,” Karvek called.
She slipped through the door, finding Karvek leaned over his desk.
“General,” she greeted excitedly, slightly breathless as if she had rushed there.
Well, she was actually breathless. Because she had nearly run.
He looked up to her, his severe gaze giving nothing away like usual.
“Did you find them?” she asked earnestly, crossing the room. She kept her face open, mustering some excitement.
“Didn’t you get back hours ago? I was expecting you to visit earlier.”
Shit. She froze. Was there suspicion in his gaze? It was impossible to tell.
She dropped her gaze to her feet. “I was a bit nervous after… the last time I saw you.”
“Do you regret it then? Kissing me?”
“I know I can trust you, that you’ll take care of me. But it’s hard not to worry.” Her voice wavered like she were ashamed.
“Do you regret it?” There was an unfamiliar edge to his voice.
Iryana forced herself to meet his eyes. They were so similar to Pyetar’s but Karvek’s were far fiercer.
“Perhaps I should. But I don’t.”
He stood, stepping far closer to her than she’d like. “You don’t need to regret anything with me. I accept you how you are.”
And he did, accepted her broken pieces. But the problem was, she didn’t think he ever wanted her to put those pieces back together.
His fingers grazed tentatively along her chin, up her jaw, around the back of her neck.
Iryana slowly shut her eyes, lips parting. As if she wanted him to kiss her.
She pretended she did, that she welcomed his touch, his understanding embrace. When in truth his touch made her want to be sick. But no, she could not think of that now.
And he did kiss her, his mouth catching hers punishingly.
Iryana tried to forget it was his mouth on hers, imagined that it was some unnamed man she was meeting in the back of the storeroom at the Dovaki Post. Let her instincts take over and not think.
When he pulled away a moment later, she realized he had captured her hands in one of his and held them tightly behind her back so that she arched against him. Karvek’s fingers were digging into her hip, holding her to him.
“So you found them then? Your mole?” She smiled slightly; too much would be out of character.
He didn’t release her hands. “No, there was a middleman. Woman. The 18th’s mole didn’t come.”
“What? But the notes said…” She wiggled slightly to free her hands, feeling trapped.
His voice sharpened. “It was a waste. Well, perhaps not entirely. I got to send a message to your old clan.”
A message in the form of a killed informant, at least in his eyes. Hopefully, that would be enough for him, for now at least.
“I failed you, Karvek,” she said quickly, dropping her head.
Finally, he released her, not saying anything.
“What can I do? How can I fix it?” she asked desperately.
“Are you sure Pyetar isn’t the mole?”
“I can’t rule him out completely, but I don’t think so.” She shrugged as if it didn’t matter to her if he ended up being the mole.
“Did you properly motivate him to tell you the truth?” His finger trailed over her bottom lip, and she knew what he meant.
She saw a hint of his possessiveness, his jealousy.
“I let him think it might happen, but no. I couldn’t bear to let anyone else touch me.”
“Good.” He gripped her chin, a violent look overtaking his face. “I don’t want my brother touching what’s mine.”
She would never belong to him.
“I have a few ideas to root out the mole. I will let you know when I have need of you.” One of his brows slowly rose. “But there is a way you can make it up to me.”
“Anything.”
His hands ran up her arms, over her shoulders, and she immediately regretted her words.
Karvek pushed her to her knees.
Anything to save the Kleesolds, she reminded herself.
If everything went according to plan, Karvek would never touch her again.
Iryana had worried she’d be trapped in that study for hours, but Karvek had too much work to do and after he was satisfied, had sent her on her way.
It had been so hard to hide her relief.
She tried not to think about it. Tried not to think about how much worse it could have been. She’d have done whatever he asked, faked as much enthusiasm as she could, but he hadn’t even touched her. Not in a way that would have haunted her.
Still, she’d traded a few coins for a large pour of vodka in the hall. Had rinsed her mouth out, spitting it out along the barracks walls, and then downed the rest. It helped bolster her climb up the barracks stairs.
Iryana knocked as she pushed open the door to her and Vaneshta’s room. She was a mess of anxiety, her hands a sweaty mess she tried to hide in two fists.
Vaneshta was hunched over the small table in the middle, wiping down her training sword with a spoon dangling out of her mouth.
Her eyes whipped up to see Iryana, and she yanked the spoon out of her mouth, dropping it with a clink back into the bowl of porridge on the table. Heart pounding, Iryana slipped in and leaned against the door to force it closed.
“Well, well, well,” Vaneshta grumbled.
“I am sorry I left you during that mission.”
Vaneshta watched her, brow raised. Waiting.