Chapter 29 #2
This day just keeps getting worse. I almost ask Annie to wrap it up in foil so I can rage eat the gross cake in the comfort of my own home when I remember why I’m here. Also, Annie has already disappeared.
“I need to talk to you about you and Dad,” I say, surprised at how little my voice sounds. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m supposed to be pissed off. Not regressing to a tween who’s walking on eggshells around her emotionally unavailable mother.
“Oh,” she says, like I’ve caught her off guard. It’s only a moment, and by the time she takes a seat in the opposite armchair, she’s composed. The whole scene reminds me of a therapy session. Which probably isn’t far off the mark for today’s impromptu conversation.
“Sure, what do you want to talk about?” she says, crossing one leg over the other like she’s getting comfortable.
There isn’t anything comfortable about sitting with one leg crossed over the other.
Stop stalling, Ash. Fuck. Okay, here goes.
I take a shallow breath. The only kind my body will let me take.
“When I caught Dad cheating, I was devastated,” I say, stopping, hoping she’ll jump in. But she didn’t become a New York Times bestselling author, international therapist sensation, star lecturer, and now TV host by not being good at her job. She holds the space and waits for me to continue.
“But you fucking lost it. All hell broke loose,” I say. I feel like my core is shaking. Like it’s been holding this conversation in for fifteen years and finally, I get to let it all out.
Again, she doesn’t speak. Holding the space. I rush ahead, filling it in.
“I listened as you told me you loved Dad with your whole heart while simultaneously cursing his name.” The shaking from my core spreads to my heart.
“I watched when you forgave him over and over again because sex is fleeting only to throw him out of the house after another affair.” The shaking spreads to my lungs.
“I took it to heart when you wrote an entire book declaring that you don’t have intimate relations with the people you love like it was sanctimony,” I say, the shaking now spreading to my voice.
“That’s why I walked out on Xander eleven years ago. That’s why I walked out on him today. Your book, based on your volatile relationship with Dad, became my rules.” I didn’t realize I’d raised my voice at the end.
And then it hits me.
“And now he’s gone,” I whisper.
All because I walked out on him again.
Before I can control myself, I burst into tears.
“Oh, Ash.” My mom breaks from playing therapist, gets up off the chair, and hugs me.
I don’t know how long I cry for, but eventually, the tears subside. I pull back and look at Mom. To my surprise, she’s distraught. It’s enough to make me catch my breath. I’ve never seen her look perturbed. Not once.
“Ash, when your father cheated on me, I was absolutely devastated too. The only way I could get through the heartbreak was to write,” she says, sighing. “And so I wrote the stupid book.”
“The stupid book?” I say, my eyes wide at the confession. “Your bestselling stupid book that left millions of women worldwide ‘uncapable of love’? Are you kidding me?”
I register the shock on her face as I quote the words she used to describe me at the wedding.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect it to take off like it did. I wrote it from a place of hurt, and somehow it turned into a movement. I had no control over it.”
“You didn’t have any control over selling your book to a streaming network show for millions more?” I shout, the last of the tears vanishing.
“The TV show escalated quickly,” she says, wincing. “I never wanted the book to be an anthem for how anyone—especially my daughter—chooses to live and love.”
Are you shitting me?
“Hate to break it to you, Mom,” I say, as my reality seems to shatter around me. I narrow my eyes. “It wasn’t just my anthem. It dictated my life.”
My mom has the decency to look down at the floor.
But I’m not finished yet. “You know, your words made women everywhere so certain that the person they do actually love will leave, cheat, abandon, or hurt them that they don’t even bother letting them in—like never truly let them in.
” My voice cracks on that last one, my heart flashing to all I’ve kept from Xander. And all he’s revealed to me.
“I’m sorry, that was not my intention,” Mom says slowly.
“So, you don’t believe your own bullshit? Love and lust can coexist? One person can be it all?” I say, my frustration growing. She looks genuinely upset. But I don’t care. I’m so angry.
“You father was my everything,” she says, and this time her voice wobbles, like admitting that out loud is a pain she hasn’t felt in fifteen years.
And there we have it. Even with the cheating and the heartbreak, he was the one person who was her all, and yet, it all ended in heartbreak, so who cares? She was right.
“Was it worth it?” I ask, but I know the answer.
I want to smack myself upside the head. I’m so embarrassed. Here I was, thinking I’d gamed the system. The system Mom told me was broken. I was never going to be heartbroken because I was never going to let anyone in. But the system isn’t broken. It was never broken. It was all a lie. Fuck.
You either get heartbroken by walking away from the love of your life, or you take a chance on love—so why not have all-encompassing love? Even for a little bit.
“I’d do it all again if I could,” she says, and silent tears roll down my cheeks.
I stare at her, still trying to comprehend that I took my parents’ relationship and built an entire lifestyle based off it to protect myself.
I studied chemistry so I could rationally explain every feeling with science.
I set the rules to see every guy worth sleeping with as an instant douche so I could remove emotion.
And it was all a complete and utter joke.