Chapter 17. Harriet - Farewelling a flawed man
Two weeks later I felt no closer to a routine than I did on day one.
Jacqui warned me that “routine” was elusive, that even if we came close to one, Immy’s patterns would shift as she grew, and we’d begin a whole new one.
Immy was a darling. I could now understand how parents fell in love instantly.
I would do anything for this crying, pooping little human.
Blake was a doting dad. He did anything that didn’t require boobs, which was a relief.
I’d been emotional, lashing out about silly things, crying about things as small as needing to poop.
Anything functions below my waist had me wincing at the mere thought.
Rose had been quiet. Suspiciously quiet. I was feeding Immy on the sofa when I heard a knock at the door. It was Jacqui.
“Come in,” Blake welcomed.
She stepped into the living room, almost nervously.
“How are you, Haz? How is our newest neighbor?”
“She’s good. Occasionally she sleeps!” I laughed.
Jacqui looked at Blake. “I came to tell you that Colin passed away last night. Apparently, it was peaceful, in his sleep. No funeral details yet, but I thought you should know.”
“How did you find out?” Blake asked. I knew he was interested. He wanted to know if anyone had had contact with Rose.
“The ambulance came last night. You were both probably distracted by a crying baby or getting some well-deserved sleep. I came out when they were wheeling him out. I didn’t talk to Rose, but she was there with an older woman who was hugging her. Her mom I guess,” Jacqui finished.
“Well, it’s sad but I’m glad it was peaceful for him. He may have made mistakes in his life, but he was always a friendly neighbor when he was lucid, and he seemed like a good man,” I replied.
“Well, I need to get home. Ben is coming over with the grandkids. Remember, call me if you need anything.” With that, she was gone.
“Poor Colin,” I said.
“Yeah, well, we all die at some stage,” Blake pointed out. “Hopefully this means the house will be sold and she moves.” He didn’t have to say who “she” was.
“Probably not. She’ll inherit it and stay here so she can be close to her Bear.”
I was no closer to not throwing her in Blake’s face.
I knew I either had to get over it and shut up or move on.
I had forced myself to keep that issue out of my mind.
Between showering, caring for Immy, eating and occasionally sleeping, I had very little mental capacity left to think about the future.
I loved Blake. I desperately loved Blake and living as a little family was everything I’d dreamt about, even with the soreness and fatigue of the early days.
Blake hung his head. The thing is, he deserved to have this brought up. And brought up again, but his reaction always made me feel instantly guilty. I couldn’t keep antagonizing him.
“I’m sorry. I believe you when you say you had no feelings for her. But your actions were so hurtful. You threw me away so easily, and didn’t seem to care at the time no matter what I said. Or what Mick said. I’m still in self-protection mode. Survival mode.”
He nodded. “I know. This was my fuck up and you don’t need to feel bad about giving me reminders.
Counseling has taught me a lot, and all I can say is that I promise you, I’d never ever let someone in like that again.
You stepping away from me has been a huge lesson.
I’m fucking devastated about what I’ve done.
Rose being a psycho is just a side effect.
I know that even if she’d been a normal woman who misread my intentions, and yes, I know I made them easy to misread, I’d still feel guilty as shit.
I crossed lines. And I’ll beg you to my dying day to forgive me. ”
“It wasn’t meant to be a lesson, Blake. It’s just a reaction.”
“Yeah, I know. Sometimes I feel like being quiet is the best gift I can give you because I seem to keep fucking up.”
“You’re not. You’ve been great with Immy, and I know you’re taking some licks.” Sean had visited and didn’t seem to be thawing toward Blake at all. Belle was friendly to him, exchanging banter and jokes, but I knew she’d turn on a dime if I asked her to.
Two days later, Blake’s phone chimed as we sat on the sofa eating cookies. My back stiffened. I was going to have to get past that reaction when his phone sounded. Time, I told myself.
He glanced down at his screen. “Jacqui says funeral is Wednesday,” he said. “I don’t want to go but will if you do.”
I paused. Colin had been a good neighbor.
He was a cheating asshole, but that was decades ago and it had been Lorraine’s anger to carry, not mine.
But the funeral would mean contact with Rose.
I didn’t even know if we would be allowed to go, given we’d filed an order against her.
It was her father. She couldn’t be expected to miss his farewell, no matter how much of a crazy bitch she was.
“No, let’s not go. It’ll probably be streamed anyway, most funerals are now, since COVID. I’ll donate to a charity in his name, and we’ll have a drink with Jacqui and Leo after to chat about old Colin memories,” I determined.
“Done. I’ll text Jacqui back and see if she’s busy Wednesday night.”
His phone chimed again. “Yep, they’ll come over at 5:30,” he said. “I’ll pick up some drinks and snacks on Wednesday.”