Chapter Thirty-Eight
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
GEMMA
“He’s gone,” Kade says, back inside his trailer at the table. “They cancelled today’s acts after a couple of bands said they didn’t feel safe performing. I think a lot of people are heading out.”
I hang my head, hands creased in my hips as my heart comes down from the exhilaration of the run I just went on. I pushed so hard that my thighs are burning more than usual, and it’s taking all of my willpower not to collapse onto this couch.
“I thought things looked like they were shutting down,” I mutter. “So what does that mean for them? Did Stella get their flights changed?”
“Actually they told us we can still use the site until tomorrow if we want another day to cool down,” Kade replies. “A few others weren’t able to get their flights overseas changed, so the venue is being nice about it since everything is already paid for.”
I nod. “Okay. They could use a day anyway.” I sigh heavily and sit on the couch, head hanging.
I’m so fucking exhausted.
My mind keeps alternating between events, each one sinking me further and further into a spiraling void—Mads telling me he knows, Rad calling me out, Lance’s sobs around the gun…
And Bonnie asking me to stay last night.
“Gem.”
It’s Liam’s voice this time that pulls me out. I lift my heavy head, the motion taking all of my effort, though I don’t look at him.
“Yeah?”
“You need to rest,” he says.
“Liam and I can look after things this morning,” Kade tells me. “You’ll be useless if you don’t get some sleep.”
I stare at a pen that’s fallen beneath the table, my hands steepled together in front of me. “Did you find out which band Rad was backstage with last night? How he got into this area?”
Kade doesn’t answer, and it prompts more emotion to rise to the surface, the failure of allowing her to get hurt stabbing me again and again in my stomach.
“Mads knows,” I say softly. “About… who I am.”
There’s another pause, and I don’t bother looking up.
I don’t need to see their faces to know how badly I’ve fucked up.
“Shit,” Kade eventually curses.
“He see us last night?” Liam asks.
I nod slowly. “You were right,” I say, looking up at him. “I should have kept my cool. I should have walked away.”
“Regrets don’t help the present,” Kade says. “Work with the now, not what you can’t fix. So what, he knows. Did he threaten you?”
“Worse,” I say, sighing. “He was nice about it. Acted like we had a kinship when it came to protecting the people we love. And then he gave me a warning and said we would talk after the festival.”
“That is worse,” Liam agrees.
I scoff and sit back in the seat. “It’s over. It’s all over. I’ll lose her the moment I tell her.”
“You don’t know that,” Kade says.
“I do,” I breathe, my insides ready to collapse. “I can’t lie to her anymore.” I blow out a breath and blink at the lights as I try to keep my fervor in check, and I see Liam squeeze Kade’s arm out of the corner of my eye.
“You don’t have to sit here and watch me be a fucking sad mess,” I say, trying to make light of everything. I can feel my eyes drooping the longer I sit, and as darkness swells in on me, I push to my feet. “I need to get back to her—”
“Whoa—Gem—”
I don’t know whose arms catch me, or how I eventually feel a soft mattress under my back, but the moment I’m on my stomach, the world goes blank.
It’s fucking dark.
It’s dark.
And I don’t just mean my head. I mean, the sun has disappeared from the sky, and it is night.
Holy shit. How long did I just sleep?! My phone lights up on the bed at my side, and I swipe my face as I pick it up.
KADE
They’re all safe.
We’re grabbing food for them soon if you wake up.
Dammit.
I scoot to the edge of the bed and quickly change clothes. My entire body aches when I stand and move. I choose my cargo pant jumpsuit, thin yellow plaid jacket, and boots to tuck the joggers into. My hair is such a mess that the only thing I can do is pin it back, and when several frizzy ringlets find their way out of the poorly-constructed pony, I say “fuck it” and walk out anyway.
Stella is walking by the trailer when I hit the steps, head buried in her phone.
“Hey,” I say, grabbing her attention.
“Oh thank god,” she says as she grabs her chest. “I was trying to figure out where Liam was sending me to when he texted he would meet me at the trailer.”
“Ah… Kade said you were getting food for the band?” I ask, my head still fuzzy from everything.
“Yes. Could you come with me? They eat so fucking much. I’m going to hire someone else at RagnaRock just to be in charge of their meals. Avie thinks this is all very easy and manageable by one person—well, he’s wrong. God, he’s panicking about yesterday. Has he called you?”
“Not yet,” I reply, falling into step with her. “I’m waiting on it, though.”
“He may wait until we’re back in LA. I’m only warning you that he’s… not happy.”
“That makes two of us,” I say as I stuff my hands in my pockets. “He’ll get a full report. I’ve dealt with worse bosses than Avie.”
“Don’t tell him that,” Stella mutters.
I almost smile at the flustered manager. “Okay.”
Liam meets us at the few food trucks still remaining, each of them eager to prep food for the bands lingering behind overnight. I have to text Zeb to see what everyone wants, and most importantly what Bonnie would more than likely eat. My stomach knots when he sends me a picture of her sitting on the couch between Andi and Wren, a smile on her face as she looks at something on Andi’s phone.
ZEB
She’s okay.
I’m just grateful there is a truck willing to fulfill Zeb’s meatball sub request.
Food in hand, we make our way back to Bonnie’s trailer where everyone seems to have gathered. I slow down as I hear the laughter and chatting. And when I step inside, I realize it isn’t just the band. It’s also her friends from New Dawn.
“Wow,” I say when a couple of them turn in Stella and I’s direction.
“Yes! Food!” Reed exclaims, hands in the air. He jumps up from the couch and scrambles to help me with the food Stella managed to wrangle for all of us.
“Stella and Liam have more,” I say as he takes the tray from me.
“Hell yeah. You get my sandwich?” Zeb asks.
“Meatball sub, yes,” I say, holding up a bag.
“Mushrooms, onions, and jalapenos?” he asks.
“You put mushrooms on your meatball sub?” Reed asks, face curling.
“Here I was hung up on the jalapenos,” Mads says.
“You don’t put mushrooms on your sub?” Zeb replies.
“No, that’s weird,” Reed says.
Zeb eyes him playfully. “Dude, you like peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, okay. We’re not going to get into an odd food combos contest together.”
Wren makes a gagging face, and Reed grins her way. “You know you like kissing me after I eat that.”
“You’re going to have to go brush your teeth just at the thought of that now,” she says.
“At least mushrooms and meatballs can both go in spaghetti,” Mads chimes in. “That peanut butter pickles shit has always been a weird Matthews household thing.”
“Dad loves it,” Andi says.
“That was our poor meal,” Reed says. “Or mayo and banana if we were out of the other.”
“That was my favorite cheap Tina meal,” Andi says.
“Or just mayo nights,” Reed says, smiling fondly at his half-sister.
“I think we need to have a Tina visit,” Bonne interjects. “Does she have a special way to do the peanut butter sandwiches?”
Her voice makes my heart sink. My gaze moves past the others as some of them stand to help Stella, and I peer at the very back where Bonnie is sitting on the steps that lead onto the bed platform. She smiles at me softly as Reed answers her question, and I don’t think either of us hears his answer.
I try to squeeze through the people sitting on the two built-in couches, making my way toward her with a bag of food.
“Hey,” she says when I reach her.
“Hey,” I say, extending the bag out to her.
I resist leaning over and kissing her like I want to. There’s a light in her eyes that she was missing last night, a spark I thought I might never see in them again. It takes all of my strength not to sink to my knees on the two steps in front of her and bury myself in her lap. I want to hold onto her for however long we might have in this little bubble before it’s all destroyed by the truth.
Bonnie groans and hisses a quiet, “Yes!” when she opens the bag. “Hell fucking yes,” she goes on. “How did you know I would want a big, greasy cheeseburger today?”
I chuckle, heart constricting at her joy. “I called your best friend,” I admit, glancing over my shoulder to Zeb.
Even though I knew your day-after meal has always been a double from In-N-Out.
“One burger patty, one black bean patty, double cheese, bacon, special sauce, pickles, with lettuce and tomato on the side so it doesn’t get soggy,” I say as she takes it out.
She presses the greased wrapper to her nose and inhales the scent. “This is fantastic,” she says as if she’s unwrapping a birthday present. “It might be better than sex.”
My brows lift, and she chomps down on a fry as she grins and meets my eyes.
“I mean, you’re welcome to challenge that later,” she says, and I laugh under my breath.
I take off my shoes and sit on the ground at the bottom of the steps then, my head hitting the wall behind me when I finally relax back.
“Did you get to sleep?” she asks.
“Yeah. Longer than I thought I would. How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. Dissociating like a motherfucker, but… this helps,” she adds, gesturing to the crowded group inside.
I huff amusedly and look around the room at the band, their partners, her friends all sharing food, laughing, and telling stories.
I reach over to pinch the back of her knee, and her shoulders droop with a sigh before she offers to share her fries with me.
I don’t know how long it is that everyone hangs out. At some point, Bonnie stands to see what video Foster is showing Reed and ends up sitting at the table and chatting with them for a while. I move up the steps and sit on the top one, resting my head against the wall, one eye on her at all times despite the conversation I end up having with Zeb about alien activity at Joshua Tree.
Each time Mads looks my way, there’s a warning in his eyes that makes me stiffen. He isn’t pushing it. It’s a reminder, though it has me hesitating to smile at her too hard in his presence.
And when everyone begins to file out well after midnight, I don’t follow behind them.
“Flight’s early, right?” Zeb asks, reaching out to fist-bump me.
“Yeah, we’re out of here around ten,” I say as I stand. “Back to LA. You guys get three days. Then it’s recording time for a few weeks until RagnaRock.”
He nods. “Alright. Bon—” He wraps his arms around her and hugs her tight. “I love you,” he says, smacking a kiss on her head. “If you need me…”
She waves him off when he releases her. “I’m fine,” she says. “I told you. I’m fine. I love you, too, idiot.”
He smiles and nods, then waves my way before finally exiting.
I push my hands into my pockets as the quiet swells in the trailer, the door clicking behind Zeb. Bonnie immediately grabs the television remote from the table and turns on the first action movie on the screen.
“I cannot do silence,” she says. “Tell me your favorite movie.”
My heart flutters a little at the painless question.
“Ah… anything with a morally grey or reluctant hero,” I answer.
“I bet you like villain origin movies,” she says, flipping through the television.
“I am obsessed with villain origins,” I admit. “I love seeing the motives that pushed someone over the edge.”
“It’s so raw, right?” she agrees.
“It’s raw and complicated and always so fucked up. It makes the story more compelling.”
“Who is your favorite origin story?” she asks.
I hesitate, and Bonnie eagerly looks my way.
“Superheroes? Horror lore? Comic book villains? Sauron? Tell me if I’m close.”
I chuckle. “I like DC comic lore,” I admit.
Her eyes brighten. “Like… Joker? Catwoman? Poison Ivy?”
“Kind of obsessed with Poison Ivy,” I tell her.
“Oh shit—Well, there’s your Halloween costume. I was her a few years ago. We did a concert back in North Carolina and dressed-up as DC villains. Wait, if you’re her, does that mean I can be Harley?”
“I don’t know if I can handle you as Harley Quinn,” I say, stomach filled with butterflies at the thought of her in those tiny shorts and pigtails. “You would be perfect, though.”
She draws her bottom lip behind her teeth like she’s imagining what exactly I might do to her in that costume.
“I hope the television doesn’t bother you when you sleep,” she eventually says.
My brows lift. “Sleep?” I ask.
“I mean… you’re staying, aren’t you?”
“Is that what you want?” I ask.
“I’d be telling you to take a fucking hike if it wasn’t,” she says, and I chuckle softly.
A beat of silence passes between us that she fumbles with the remote, and when she sets it down, she says, “Stay.”
It’s the third time she’s said it to me, and I’m a fucking puddle every time it leaves her lips.
“It doesn’t have to be anything. I know that. I’m okay with that,” she goes on. “I just… I need…”
My eyes meet hers, and I notice the sudden solemness resting within them, the need and loneliness that maybe she’s too fearful to admit.
“What do you need, Bonnie?” I ask.
Her hands cricket together as she peers toward the ground. A twinge of pink rises on her cheeks, and I slowly step up to her, knuckle tracing her jaw.
“Tell me,” I whisper.
“I want to feel safe,” she admits. “I don’t want to feel like I’m alone. I don’t care if it’s nothing. And I know that that’s a lot to ask, but last night… what you said about touch and intimacy… I don’t think I’ve ever known intimacy like that.”
“Never?” I ask.
She shakes her head slowly. “The last person who made me feel anything was Kelsey, and she…” Her voice drifts, and I reach for her hands, hoping like hell I can give her some kind of comfort.
“Any touch I’ve ever felt has always expected something in return,” she says instead, lashes lifting to mine. “I just wonder what it feels like without those expectations. I want comfort and hugs and touch that’s more than casual sex or basic friendship.” She slumps into my embrace, her forearms resting on my chest. “I think I just want you.”
The very last thing I should be doing is this.
I should tell her right here that I’m not the person she thinks I am. I shouldn’t want to spend the night here. Getting to know her more and more will only make the truth so much harder to say out loud. I should text Zeb and tell him to come back and stay with her. I shouldn’t let her keep thinking I’m someone that I’m not.
Still, when she smiles at me, I forget everything.
Love her.
Love her the way you won’t get to after tomorrow.
Love her for one more night. Do anything she wants. Be who she needs you to be.
It’s only one more night.
It’s fucking selfish what I’m about to say.
“I can do that,” I whisper. I press my lips to her forehead and entwine my fingers with hers, pulling them up and around my neck, and then I pick her up around my waist to carry her back to the bed.
“I love it when you hold me like this,” she says as her forehead hits mine, thighs squeezing around me. “I lose my fucking mind every time.”
“I think I’ve only held you like this twice,” I say, amused.
“And I’ve lost my shit both times.”
I snicker as we hit the steps and when I lay her down on the mattress, it takes all of my internal strength not to bend between her thighs and taste her.
I don’t.
Not tonight.
Tonight is more than the attraction between us. It’s comfort and safety and warmth, and if this is what she wants, I’ll give it to her.
She talks me through the movie as I strip her down to her underwear, and then myself. I don’t know if she’s talking about the movie to distract herself or if it’s just something she does. Either way, I’m eating it up. I’m loving every second. Laughing. Touching her without expectation. Cleaning and re-bandaging the wound on her thigh.
And eventually holding her in the darkness.
The rise and fall of her chest against mine is a moment I’ll never get over. Her touch is as healing for me as she thinks mine is for her. Each time her hand strokes over my skin, I surrender another piece of myself.
And I know by the time the sun comes up, I’ll be nothing more than a vessel of meat and bones and blood. My soul is hovering somewhere between fiction and reality, ready to follow her into the afterlife instead of moving on with me.
I’ll never recover from having her like this.
It’s nearly two in the morning when my phone buzzes, and I realize I haven’t moved from the middle of the bed in a half hour. Bonnie is lying on my chest with her arm sprawled over my stomach, cheek on my breasts, legs entwined with mine.
KADE
Checking in since you’re not at the trailer. You good?
I sigh as I peer down at the fucking angel atop me, her wavy hair falling messily around her face. I pick up her fingers and kiss her knuckles, blinking back the tears suddenly pricking my eyes.
Yeah. All good.
See you in the morning.