Chapter Fifty-Three
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
GEMMA
As Bonnie greets her friends and they settle around the kitchen to snack on the plethora of raw breakfast foods Bonnie’s dad is putting out for them, I motion Kade and Liam into Bonnie’s bedroom, eager for an update.
I leave the door cracked when we file in, and Kade whistles.
“Wow, this is nice,” he says, looking around at the glass wall facing the ocean. “Can we get a place like this?” he asks his husband.
Liam chuckles. “When you retire,” he tells him. “Something tells me that isn’t happening any time soon.”
“Not as long as this one keeps it up,” Kade replies, pointing at me.
I huff. “One more.”
“Thank fucking fuck,” he mumbles.
“So, what do you have for me?” I ask him. “How did move in go?”
“She’s all set… Apartment is deep cleaned. Andi and Wren have been having a lot of fun setting up her new place. Fucking decked it out with so much fun shit that screams Bonnie.”
“Pink, yellow, black, and wild?” I ask, almost smiling.
“So much wild,” he replies. “I didn’t know what to do about your place. Surely you’re not planning on living so far from her.”
I hadn’t thought about that.
“Ah…” I scratch my neck. “I don’t…”
Fuck, I’m not living that far from her.
“I’ll start looking at places nearby,” I say, unsure of what my plans will be. “What about Trevor? That’s all taken care of?”
Kade gives me a look. “When have I ever told you what I do with things like that?”
I scoff. “True. The less I know the better,” I utter. “Okay. Still good with Reed’s situation?”
“Yeah, not a peep from those two,” Kade says. “Same with the sister. She hasn’t posted lately.”
“How are things looking for RagnaRock?”
“Still three weeks out. Stella sent over some info this morning.”
I nod, a heavy sigh leaving me. “That’ll be big. I don’t know how they’re feeling about getting back on the stage after Eleven.”
“We’ve been assured security will be amped up for this, but I plan on scoping every person attending. Turns out the ticket site is pretty trash at hiding their buyers’ info.”
“Typical,” I mutter. “Is there any site you can’t find a backdoor into?”
“Not really,” Kade replies. “Maybe I should show them their weak spots and hold them at ransom.”
“And that’s why you’ll never retire,” Liam says.
“And probably why you’ll end up in jail again,” I add.
There’s a quiet knock on the door then, and we all turn to find Mads slowly pushing the door open. Facing him makes my stomach twist, even if there doesn’t appear to be any rage in his eyes today.
“Hey, Mads,” I say, pushing off the nightstand.
“Hey,” he says as he closes the door behind him. “Is now a good time?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say, though my skin is beginning to crawl. “Sure.”
He glances at Kade and Liam.
“They know,” I say.
“Right.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and sighs. “Look, I said some things that night that I obviously didn’t realize,” he says. “I wanted to apologize for it.”
My brows narrow at him. “What? No. You… You defended your friend. You’re right. I wasn’t there that tour. I didn’t see each behind-the-scenes moment when you guys probably talked her off ledges. No, you don’t need to apologize for anything, Mads. I was mean to you the other night when I shouldn’t have been.”
“I still needed to hear it,” he says. “Sometimes we think we know everything when really, you were right. We fucking missed the entire time her mom was sick. We just thought it was the tour getting to her. None of us realized it was anything more than that.”
I consider him. “I don’t want you to ever think that I hold grudges against any of you for that tour. I don’t. I realize there are so many things I didn’t see. She pushed you out. She wouldn’t talk to you because she didn’t want to be perceived as anything less. I get that now.”
He nods and stares at the ground for another few seconds before meeting my eyes.
“So, we’re good?” he asks.
I huff, almost smiling. “We’re always good.”
“And this doesn’t affect…” He looks between Kade and Liam questioningly.
“This would never interfere with our jobs,” I say. “The band’s safety is always my priority. I hope you know that by now. I’ll always have protecting her in the back of my mind, but ultimately, it’s all of you. I can’t choose favorites with this job.”
“And off the clock?”
“Off the clock, you always know where I’ll be,” I tell him.
His gaze moves to the mirror then, and I realize he’s staring at the number Bonnie wrote in the corner this morning.
“Holy shit,” he says. “She’s a week from five years?”
I nod. “Yeah, I was going to mention that to Zeb or Andi. I thought with her moving into the new place, we could do something to celebrate. I don’t know if she’ll want to make a big deal out of it but something.”
“Hell yeah,” he says. “Andi…” He sighs, and I don’t know what turmoil he’s hiding behind that expression. Still, it tenses me.
“She could definitely use a distraction,” he goes on. “I’ll tell her.”
He pivots on his heel to leave then. Excited voices and laughter fill the space when he opens the door wide, and he taps the doorframe twice upon exiting.
Kade and Liam are watching me, grimaces on their faces, when I look at them again.
“That… went surprisingly better than I thought it would,” Kade says.
“It’s because Bonnie talked to him,” I say, pushing off the wall. “A few weeks ago, and I’d probably be in the hospital instead… What else do we have?”
“Did you call Avie back?” Kade asks.
“Yesterday,” I reply. “They get three days here. He isn’t letting up on them having another song recorded before we leave for Colorado.”
“Better get them the fuck to work, then,” Kade says.
I nod. “Agreed. Let’s eat first.”
We leave the room and join the band in the kitchen then, and my chest feels a little lighter now that Mads isn’t staring at me like he’s one heartbeat away from exposing me.
I gravitate toward Bonnie on one of the island stools, and when I see the nervous look on her face, I squint. She’s twisting her fingers, cracking her knuckles. It concerns me enough that I pad toward her and place a hand on the small of her back, causing her to flinch slightly.
“Whoa, hey,” I say quietly as she turns. “What’s up?”
Her gaze moves from person to person in the room, and I think I can guess what she’s considering. A pink tinge rests on her cheeks. She sighs and begins chewing her lip.
“I need to tell them,” she says, head swiveling my way.
I grip her fingers with mine and nod.
This is going to hurt.
Still, I know she needs this.
“Tell us what?” Andi asks from the other side of the island.
It’s Reed who stops chewing the grapes in his mouth. His gaze darts between Bonnie and me as if he can guess what she’s considering, and I hear him clear his throat as he straightens from leaning over the counter.
“Hey, did Phil leave?” he asks around about her dad.
Liam, being closest to the door, looks through the front window. “Yeah, car is gone,” he answers.
“He said something about getting more food,” Zeb says. “I think we ate everything he had.”
Bonnie is staring at the countertop, and I squeeze her fingers one more time.
“Bon?” Reed says, making her blink.
“Hey, what’s up?” Andi asks as she reaches over the counter.
The room has gone silent, each of them attuned to her sudden guarded state.
“Bed, you good?” Zeb asks, coming closer.
“Ah…” Bonnie pushes off the stool and stands. “Can we… Actually, can we all go fucking sit? I need to talk to you guys.”
Mads lingers in the kitchen as the rest of them move into the living room. His eyes move from me to Bonnie, and I wonder if he thinks she’s telling everyone who I really am. Even so, he eventually follows behind Andi, and while they all get comfortable, I tug on her hand.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask, tilting her chin up.
She gives me a small, reassuring smile. “Yeah. They’re my family. They should know,” she replies.
I nod again. “I’ll be behind you if you need me.”
She presses up and plants a soft kiss on my lips, and when we part, she treads into the living room to perch on the back of the couch, feet in the seat.
Every person in the room is watching her when she sits.
An anxious smile lifts her lips, not because this is remotely amusing but because she’s trying to keep it together. She threads her fingers together and bends over her swaying knees. “Ah… I… shit, I don’t know where to start. Um… I feel like I’m at a fucking meeting right now,” she says, glancing back at me.
I squeeze her shoulder reassuringly.
You can do this, Bon.
“Everything okay?” Andi asks.
“Yeah, I just… I wanted to—No, fuck that. I needed to tell you guys about something that I should have let you in on years ago. You’re my people, and I should have trusted that I’d be safe enough to share it. But… I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping it in. I thought I was holding strong when I should have been completely honest with you.”
Her eyes drift around the room, and when she opens her mouth to speak again, the story comes tumbling out.
She tells them about Halloween.
And the entire time she’s talking, they stay silent. I can see the emotion building on their faces, each as equally horrified and hurt. By the time she nearly wraps up, tears are streaming down Andi’s face. I watch a tear fall onto Zeb’s cheek, though he quickly swipes it away.
Silence rings in my ears when she apprehensively concludes, and Andi is the first one to reach her. Murmurs sound between them as they all stand to hug her, and somehow, they all end up hugging her at once.
I chuckle as they all climb in and around the couch, squeezing her in the middle. Her laughter lights up the room, and I take a step back to give them all some space.
The moment I turn my back, my phone rings in my pocket. I take it out, brows narrowed at who could possibly be calling me when everyone is in this room.
Avie.
Of course.
“Go for Gem,” I answer, arm folding across my chest.
“Where’s my band?” Avie asks.
“We should work on your social skills, Avie,” I taunt him. “A little hi, hello, how are you, goes a long way.”
Avie makes a noise that sounds like his anger therapy isn’t doing him any more good than it ever did me. “Fine,” he eventually mutters. “Hi, hello, how are you, Gemma?”
I snicker at the forced words. “Inhaling the beach. They band is having lunch before they get started on their material.”
He grunts. “Yeah? Put me on speaker with those fuckers.”
I glance at the band. “Ah… okay. Hang on—Hey, guys,” I say loudly.
Except they’re all laughing together now, obviously trying to make each other smile after such a heavy story. They don’t hear me the second time, and so I step a little closer.
“Four dumb fucks!” I project.
They turn and grin my way, and I hold up the phone.
“Someone wants to talk to you,” I tell them. I take the device away from my ear and hit the speaker button. “Okay, you’re on.”
“Hey, shit bags—”
“Avie!”
“There you are!”
“The main man! You coming out here to surf with us?!” Bonnie asks.
Whistles and catcalls sound from the band, and I shake my head at them.
I think I love my job.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell the fuck no, I’m not surfing. Fuck off, all of you,” Avie says. “Where’s my album?”
“Tanked it,” Mads says, grinning.
“Yeah, it was trash,” Zeb adds.
“We thought we’d start over,” Reed says.
“You wanted the best, right?” Bonnie asks.
Avie pauses, making Bonnie and Reed snort.
“I know you assholes are fucking with me, and I don’t approve,” Avie tells them. “Seriously, how’s it going?”
“Amazing, Av,” Mads says. “Fucking amazing.”
“You’re going to lose your shit,” Reed agrees. “RagnaRock is going to lose their shit.”
“It’s insane,” Bonnie adds. “Wait until you hear the fucking violins and screechy horror shit.”
“Yes—” Reed points at Bonnie. “Hell yes.”
“Alright,” Avie says. “Two days. You’re back in the studio after, got it?”
“Got it,” they echo back.
I chuckle at them and take the phone off speaker. “Satisfied?” I ask Avie.
“I’ll be at their studio Tuesday,” he says.
“Yep. See you,” I reply, because there’s no point in trying to talk him out of it.
I know he trusts them. He’s only covering his ass in case they’re more behind than they’re letting on.
I hang up the phone and push it into my pocket, rounding on the chatting band as they become increasingly animated about the song they’ve been working on.
Eventually, Bonnie’s gaze finds me, and she’s smiling softly when she crosses the space between us. I cup my hands around her face and press my lips to hers.
“I’m really proud of you,” I tell her.
She lets out a heavy, rattled breath. “Me too.”
My arm slinks across her shoulders, lips grazing her temple. We approach the rest of the band again, and I remember that there was something I wanted to talk to them about.
“Hey— Hey! ”
My clapping hands echo off the walls, and each of them turns in my direction, voices drifting.
“Avie expects something on Tuesday,” I tell them as they slowly return to their seats on the couches and floor. “So, while I know fucking around is part of your creative process, we really do need to get shit nailed down.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” Zeb says. “You just worry about RagnaRock.”
“That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you all about,” I say, peering between them. “Are you guys good? How are you feeling about getting on stage again?”
Reed kisses Wren’s shoulder. Andi squeezes Mads’ hand over his shoulder as he sits on the floor. Zeb rocks back in the swivel chair, nodding with a vacant expression on his face. Bonnie finds my hand and gives it a tug, the gesture reassuring me.
“Seriously. Talk to me,” I say.
“It’s definitely going to be scary getting up there after that,” Reed admits. “I’ve never seen a crowd like that.”
“Yeah. I keep getting flashbacks,” Zeb says.
“I don’t want Reed going in the crowd if it’s like that,” Mads says. “He could have been shot.”
“So… what do you think might help you?” I ask. “You have three weeks before the festival. Rock texted me this morning asking if you guys were making any changes to the set list. Apparently, Avie is under the impression you’re doing one of the new songs. My answer was that I’m more concerned about you all getting up there and freezing.”
“I don’t think we’d do that,” Bonnie says.
“Could happen,” Mads says. “Definitely wouldn’t feel like our safe space anymore. Which fucking sucks.”
“Sucks so much,” Zeb agrees.
“Wait…” Reed sits up, and I can see his brain firing.
“That’s my favorite Reed look,” Bonnie says, a smile curving her lips. “Let’s go. Give it to us.”
Mads chuckles. “That’s a dangerous Reed look.”
“The good shit,” Zeb agrees.
“So, we’re all wary about the concert, right? If the list is the same as Radio Eleven, it might have us anticipating when things got out of control last time,” Reed says as if he’s thinking out loud. “What if we just change the whole fucking thing?”
They look between each other, brows narrowed, and I fold my arms over my chest.
These four…
I love it.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Like… the set. The songs. Theme. Everything. We give them a taste of what next year’s tour will look like, and we base it on the new song—on Bonnie’s song,” Reed says.
“Hell yes,” she blurts, knees swaying excitedly.
“I don’t think that’s what Rock meant…” I say hesitantly.
Because Rock will fucking kill me if I tell him this.
“Wait, give us a second,” Reed tells her. “We can work this out—” He turns his knees in toward Mads, sitting on the edge of the couch, and Mads sighs as he grabs his notebook off the coffee table.
“Alright, give it to me,” he says, ready to take notes.
“ Bedlam has the heart monitor base, right?” He glances at Bonnie. “So, hospital? Inside the monitor? Looking out at death?”
“Don’t forget we have the quartet with us this time,” Zeb says.
“You want to start with Bedlam ?” Mads asks. “That’s risky, dude. Start with a familiar favorite.”
“We can change up the intro, though,” Bonnie suggests. “Have a monologue, make it immersive. Since Reed’s line is part of the lyrics, maybe we can make it about that. If music is the god you pray to, get on your fucking knees. So, heart monitor, death, what, like a hospital chapel or something—”
“You want to do a fucking prayer?” Mads asks.
Bonnie’s heel begins to hit the couch over and over, her head nodding. “Yeah… The meetings I go to sometimes start with a prayer… Hell yeah. We’ll pray to the music that saved our fucking lives. Every note, phrase, and lyric that kept each of us from dragging a fucking blade the right way on our wrists. There are so many people in that audience who have matching scars. Let’s make it for them. Let’s give them what they came for.”
“Hell fucking yes,” Zeb says.
“Yes, Bon!” Reed says, clapping.
Mads grins at her before looking my way. “I think we need to call Stella,” he says.
I already have my phone out and pressed to my ear.
“Stella Lovren, go ahead,” Stella answers.
“Hey, Stella, you have a minute?” I ask.
“Oh, hi, Gemma. Is everything okay? Are they okay?”
There’s panic in her voice, and I have to chuckle at it. “No, they’re good. They have some ideas for RagnaRock they want to run by you though.”
“Oh fucking—”
I don’t hear the next word because I’m holding my phone out to put it on speaker.
“—these four. Fuck—”
“Hey, Stella,” Reed drawls.
She sighs heavily, and the band snickers.
“We love you, Stella,” Bonnie coos.
“I love you fuckers, too,” she replies. “Okay. Lay it on me. What’s up?”