10 Not Bad #3
“Oh, he was. As long as I didn’t do something he didn’t like.
Or as long as he didn’t think I’d done something.
When that happened, he wasn’t so nice. No siree.
I learned, though. I learned to keep my mouth shut, to stay home, never to do anything, because I didn’t want to make him angry.
I lived that way for so long that I forgot what I even liked to do, where I liked to go, who I liked to do things with.
I forgot who I was because I was so busy making him happy.
You understand what I’m getting at, don’t you, Jenna? ”
Of course I did, but I shook my head and tried to play ignorant. She didn’t buy it. She was a smart old woman. She took a step closer.
“When my husband died two years ago, I wasn’t sad.
I just felt lost,” she went on, placing a hand on my arm.
“I had lost so much of myself with him that I no longer knew who I was. I felt abandoned, vulnerable… But then I remembered some things. I remembered I used to love to go to the beach, so I went there with my two grandsons and my daughter-in-law. I remembered I liked to have a drink now and then, so I started doing that. I started seeing an old friend of mine again. She took me back. She was still close with the same group of women I used to hang out with. We meet every week now, can you believe that? On Wednesdays. My favorite day of the week. Jenna, I let someone steal my identity, and it took me forty years to get it back. Don’t you do the same.
Don’t forget who you are. Not for anyone. ”
She smiled at me one last time and walked toward the elevator. I had a knot in my throat, and I needed to stand very still for a second to be sure I wouldn’t cry. My sister sent me a text just then:
Look at this scary little pirate. We can go ahead and crown the Halloween king now.
It was a photo of Owen, who was seven years old now, and had the same chestnut hair and brown eyes as the rest of our family.
He was wearing a pirate costume and had black makeup around one eye like a patch.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. I wrote her back and said, Tell him I’ll bring him a giant bag of gummies the next time I’m home. She replied:
I’d better not or he’ll start bugging me more about when you’re coming home.
Oh, Owen… I sure did miss him. Before he was born, I’d never have guessed I’d enjoy looking after a kid. But I adored him. That one picture had been enough to lift my mood, at least until I opened the door and heard the voice of the last person I wanted to hear: Lana.
As my brother Steve would say, it’s never too late for something to ruin your day.
Everyone turned and looked when I entered and dropped my bag on the floor.
“There’s little Miss Sunshine,” Ross said, grinning when he saw my sour expression and opening his arms for me to flop down in his lap. But I didn’t do so, and he clearly didn’t like it. “Is something up?”
“Literary criticism,” I told him. “That’s what I’ve been studying all day. It would ruin your mood, too.”
I wonder if it was evident that my studies hadn’t gotten me down, that it was that little blond bitch with her innocent smile who was making me want to scream.
I wondered if I should listen to Monty and try to find somewhere else to stay.
Maybe even go back home after all. I didn’t want him to feel bad because of something I’d done.
But no, that was stupid. What had Agnes just told me?
I always did things to fulfill others’ expectations.
It was time to do something that I liked. And what I liked was being with Ross.
I sat next to him and he passed me a wrapper with a burger in it. I’d thought Will was cooking, but whatever. I was starving after all that drama.
“What were you all talking about?” I asked, licking a blotch of mustard from my lips. When Ross noticed and raised an eyebrow, it was as if I was alone with him for a brief moment, and that made me smile for what felt like the first time that day. Of course, his loser ex had to immediately ruin it.
“You sure left the party early the other day,” Lana said. “I was asking everyone why. I missed you.”
I rolled my eyes. “I left because I wanted to,” I said, trying not to get angry over her girlish games.
“You didn’t have fun?” she asked.
“I’m not a big party person.”
“Me neither,” Ross joined in.
“Too bad,” Lana said. “I hope you could afford the Uber back. It must have been expensive at that time.”
I wanted to throw my burger at her face, but I stopped myself. That was what she wanted. She was jealous of me, and if I acted out, it would give her the perfect excuse to keep trying to force me out of their little group.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, “Ross offered to take me home.” I smiled back at her with the same innocent smile she always used, thinking all the time: Get stuffed.
That stopped her for a second, but soon she was back on the attack. “Poor Ross, he had to miss the rest of the party just for you?”
“I didn’t miss anything,” he said, and I nudged him, amused, while Lana scowled at us.
We kept eating, and when we were done, Ross and Will went up on the roof to smoke, leaving me alone with Naya and Lana.
Lana had tried to ignore me after Ross’s comment, but once he was gone, she glared at me before turning to Naya and saying, “Remember that thing I told you the other day? Well, I’ve got news.
It’s private, though. Is there somewhere we could talk alone? ”
Naya was confused, and responded, “Yeah. I mean, I guess…”
“Don’t worry,” I told her. “I’ll go to my room.”
“ Ross’s room,” Lana said.
“ Our room,” I replied.
I didn’t stick around to see the look on her face; I didn’t need to. I was in a rush to shut the door behind me and go back to pretending she didn’t exist. When Ross came in later, I was staring at my laptop screen. I could smell the smoke on him even before he got to the bed.
“What are you watching?” he asked.
“ The Avengers .”
“How far into it are you?”
“There are two minutes left.”
“Ah, that’s too bad,” he said. “We can watch it together another day, then.”
He put on his pajamas while I watched the end of the movie, waiting through the credits for the final scene as he’d told me to do. Then I closed my laptop and addressed him: “Ross, I don’t want to be a pain in your ass, OK, but…”
“I didn’t know she was coming.”
“What?”
“Lana.” He’d known perfectly what I was going to say. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to get ambushed like that. If it made you uncomfortable…”
“No, not at all,” I told him, now feeling embarrassed.
“So…?”
“It’s something else,” I said, trying to change the subject quickly. “I was wondering… Can I see the tattoo on your back?”
Ross decided to play along and pretend I wasn’t jealous. He turned, pulling up his shirt so I could see the eagle in the middle of his back, its wings stretching out across his shoulders. I reached out and touched it and could feel the tiny scars beneath the ink.
“What’s it mean?”
“I was drunk and had an extra six hundred dollars.”
“It’s cool.”
“It wasn’t the first time. I had some jerkoff do it and it was blurry and slanted. I had to have a professional touch it up afterward.”
“An ugly one would have suited you better,” I joked.
“I’m going to let that slide because I know deep down you adore me,” he said. “What about you? I saw you had one, but you always keep it covered up.”
“It’s nothing special,” I said, turning around and pulling my hair away from the nape of my neck to let him see where I had a small crescent moon. He reached out and touched it, as I’d done with his, and the shiver it gave me made it hard to speak for a moment.
“It’s cute,” he said, and I explained that my sister had paid for it for my eighteenth birthday.
“When is your birthday?” he asked.
“February sixteenth. We used to always have a party in my backyard. Dad would grill and my brothers would DJ, and sometimes my grandparents and my uncle would come.”
“What about your friends?”
“We’d usually go out that night,” I said.
“Do you miss them?”
“My friends? Not really.”
“Your family,” he specified.
“Oh. Yeah. I mean…I do, but at the same time, I’m glad to be here.
I don’t miss them like Oh my God, I wish they were here, I feel like I’m gonna die of grief or whatever, I miss them like I’m where I am and they’re where they are and that’s cool, but they’re good people.
Did that sound as bad as I think it did? ”
“More or less,” he joked. “But if it makes you feel better, when I first moved out, I felt exactly the same way.”
“Do you see your parents?”
“More than I’d like,” he said. “But my dad especially I try to avoid.”
“You don’t get along with him?” I don’t know why, but that surprised me. I’d just assumed Ross could get along with anyone.
He shrugged. “We just don’t have much in common.”
“What about your mother?”
“Mom’s different.” He smiled, and I knew I’d been right to ask about her. “I saw her recently. We spent a whole day organizing an exhibition at one of her galleries that’s opening tomorrow night.”
“Aren’t you going?”
He turned a little shy, which wasn’t common for him, as he slid into bed. “Actually, I was going to ask you if you’d want to come with me. I mean, Naya and Will are going. My brother, too, maybe. If he’s not fighting with some girl he’s hooked up with. Don’t feel obligated, of course…”
“Are you kidding? I’d love to go!”
“Really?”
“Of course I would,” I said. “I’ve never been to an art exhibition before. Plus, it’s your mom. You know I used to paint, right? Probably I’ll be able to see the deeper meaning of all the pictures and then you’ll realize how smart I am.”
“A lot of it is abstract art. Even she doesn’t understand it.”
“Still better. I can say what I want, and nobody will be able to tell me I’m wrong.”
He laughed.
“Mom’s going to love you,” he said.
There was only one problem. A little blond problem. “Is Lana going too?” I asked.