12 Angels and Demons #2
We examined each other. She looked stunning in her corset. According to her, all I needed was one final detail—a white plastic halo she put on my head with a giggle. She clapped and said, “Amazing!” and I helped her apply the little red horns to the corners of her forehead.
My angel costume was surprisingly comfortable for how tight it was, and it concealed—just barely—those parts of my body I preferred not to show the entire world.
The white, elbow-length gloves and white boots matched the wings perfectly.
I had to give it to Naya; she had taste.
I just hoped I didn’t get makeup on it. But when I told Naya this, she said, “Don’t worry, I haven’t worn it in years. You can just keep it.”
I helped her with her zipper. We were a perfect match.
In her red and black body suit, red wings, and high leather boots, she looked like a runway model.
We walked to the bathroom together to do our makeup.
As we laughed and gossiped, I realized I could be myself with her in a way I hadn’t been able to with my friends back home.
I hoped that wasn’t something I should feel guilty for, but maybe that’s what getting older was.
Naya gave my eyeliner a once-over and said, “Perfect. I didn’t go too crazy. Remember, you are supposed to be innocent.”
I saw myself in the mirror: pink blush, dark lashes, red lips.
Naya’s makeup was darker, more seductive, sexier.
But that was just who she was. When we came out, everyone was there waiting for us, except for Mike, who had disappeared again.
When Naya did a turn for Will, he smiled, revealing his fangs.
“Mr. Sexy Dracula,” she said, “meet Ms. Sexy Devil.”
“Not bad,” he responded, pulling her over for a kiss.
I walked over to Ross, who said, “An angel, huh? I like it. Take it off now!”
I giggled as he touched the little wings on my back. He wore blue coveralls stained with fake blood and black boots, and carried a plastic knife. He brought it out and pretended to threaten me. I knocked it out of the way and asked, “Didn’t Michael Myers wear a mask?”
“Of course. But you think I could deprive you of the pleasure of seeing my pretty face?”
He pulled the mask from his pocket and threw it on.
It was terrifying, especially when he tried to lean in and kiss me in it.
Fortunately nobody noticed, not even Sue, who walked out in a Wednesday Addams costume that made me nearly split my seams with laughter even though, honestly, it looked good on her, ridiculous as it was.
“Sue,” Ross said, “you’re supposed to wear a costume. That just looks like the regular you.”
“Very funny. Can we go now? I want to get drunk.”
Ross drove to the party at what he considered a reasonable speed, and when we arrived, white-knuckled, I was surprised by the quantity of people there.
Maybe it seemed like more because they were all wearing costumes?
Naya had been right about one thing, though.
I looked like a nun compared to some of the girls there.
Ross grabbed my hand and guided me through the crowd into the kitchen. We saw a girl who looked like a kitten and meowed at us. She was eyeing up Ross, and I got pissed until I turned around and saw he was completely hypnotized by me. Or, more concretely, by my skirt.
“For the love of God, Jen, please dress like an angel for the rest of my life.”
I laughed and pulled two beers out of the giant ice bucket on the floor, handing him one. He opened it with his bare hands, then offered to do the same to mine. I’d never understand how he did that without hurting himself.
I wasn’t usually in the mood for dancing, but that night was different.
I dragged him out on the dance floor and we soon found Naya and Will.
We stayed out there almost two hours. Even Sue joined us, making weird movements with her neck and arms. Once I was three beers in, I started to feel hot and walked out to the balcony. Ross soon joined me.
He pointed at what was left of my beer and said, “You’re doing better than the other day, but if you need me to finish that for you, just say the word.”
“I’m OK. I’ve realized four is my limit. Four and I’m drunk. I’m at three and a half right now. No, you know what? I’ve changed my mind. You take it.”
He laughed and accepted, and I said, “Can I ask you something?”
“You’re already asking me something.”
“Jerk. I’m serious. What I wanted to know was…do you ever bring girls home?”
“I brought you home.”
“Don’t be stupid. You know what I mean. I’ve seen the way girls look at you. Tell me the truth.”
“Fine,” he said. “Yes, I’ve brought girls home.”
I’d been the one to ask, but that admission felt like a kick in the ribs.
Instantly, I could see him doing with other girls the things he’d done with me.
I resented it, and I knew it wasn’t fair.
He was talking about stuff that happened before we’d even met, before we’d had… whatever it was we had with each other.
“Jen, don’t look at me like that.”
“I’m not looking like anything.”
I had no right. Even if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn’t have a right. I looked down until I felt his hand on my halo. He turned me to face him, leaning one hand on the parapet, and said softly, “That was a long time ago.”
“I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re asking me, and I’m telling you. Of course I was with girls before you. But I’m not now. And I don’t want to be.”
“You know you can’t lie to an angel, right? You’ll go headfirst to hell.”
“I told you before, I’ve never lied to you. And I’ve got no intention of starting now.”
His lips were damp with beer. I wanted to taste them. But I still had more questions.
“You don’t ever feel like doing it again?” I asked.
“Not a bit. Why? Do you?”
“Of course not!” I said.
“Me neither, then. For the same reasons as you, I’d bet.”
Why was I asking this? Was I trying to sabotage myself? Could I not just enjoy what we had? Couldn’t I try to be more like Naya? Fuck. I really needed to talk to Monty. I was worried even breaking up with him wouldn’t get rid of him, but I needed to try. For me as much as for him.
I wrapped my arms around Ross and sank my face into his chest. I was surprised by how familiar he felt to me.
As if he were my boyfriend. That confused me so much, I wanted to cry.
But just for a moment, because his embrace was too warm to be sad for too long.
I closed my eyes and barely heard him as he asked me, “Are you OK?”
I nodded and said, “Can we go back home? Just you and me?”
He hesitated briefly. Then he took out his phone, called Will, exchanged a few words with him, and hung up.
He grabbed my hand and walked me out. I could tell he was nervous, but I needed something from him, too, and as he began to ask me, “Jen, are you…” I stopped him and said, “Ross, I need you to promise me something. I don’t want you to worry about Monty. ”
He almost laughed and said, “Sorry, Jen, but I don’t give a damn about your—”
“He’s not my boyfriend. Or not anymore. Not really.
But that’s not what I’m saying. I… OK, when you and I did what we did that first night, I tried to convince myself that it was just because Monty and I had a deal, and I was having fun, exploring or whatever.
But it’s not true. I like you. I already liked you then.
I’ve liked you since I first met you. And I need you to promise me that you know that.
That you know you were never just a fling for me. ”
“OK, I promise. Sure. But I don’t understand…”
I kissed him. I didn’t need him to understand more. I just needed him to take me home. He started the car, a little tense, and I reached over and rubbed his shoulder as he drove. I felt better, less confused, when we reached the parking lot.
“I think this is the first time I’ve been here alone with you,” I said.
“You know your moods are difficult as hell to read, Jen.”
“My brothers say the same thing. They call me hysterical. I think they mean it in a nice way. I hope so.”
When we got in the elevator, it was déjà vu.
I remembered us kissing in there earlier.
I think he did, too, because he grinned as I turned my back to the wall and pulled him into me.
All that tenderness we’d shown on the balcony and in the car vanished into animal hunger as we held each other tight.
We stumbled out when the door opened, and I couldn’t help but laugh as he stuck the key in quickly and threw the door open.
“You in a rush?” I asked.
“You aren’t?”
“I don’t mind taking it slow,” I said.
“Liar.”
He pulled me into the apartment and dragged me back to his room.
As soon as he closed the door, we were kissing again.
I sighed against his mouth, unzipping his coverall and pulling it off of his shoulders to caress his skin, leaving him exposed to the hips.
He stood back to pull it the rest of the way off, struggling with his work boots, and I took off my halo, tossing it aside and lowering my skirt.
Everything was fine except for the stupid wings, which I couldn’t figure out how to remove.
I was jumping up and down, hoping they’d just fall off, in vain.
I shouted at Ross, who found the whole thing hilarious, “Stop laughing and help me!”
As he came in and embraced me, his arms wrapped around my back.
He unfastened the wings and they fell to the floor.
I kicked them away and stroked his back as he caressed me over my corset.
I realized he was trying to untie it and couldn’t.
He’d managed the top knot, and the eyelets just below it, but there were twelve more.
“Screw this,” he said. “I’ll buy Naya a new one.
” And he grabbed it under my armpits and tore it off of me.
My phone rang.
I reached over to silence it as Ross unfastened my bra and threw it aside. As he bent down to kiss my nipples, it rang again.
“Goddammit!” I said, silencing it again.
“I’ve hardly ever heard you curse,” he said.
“I don’t do it unless the occasion demands.”
He pushed me toward the bed and…my phone rang a third time.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just answer?” he asked.
“Or put it on Do Not Disturb.”
“That would work, too.”
I rolled onto my stomach, feeling something like ecstasy as he rubbed my shoulders and pressed his warm chest into my back.
But when I saw my screen, my smile vanished.
I had twelve messages from Monty and twenty-two missed calls.
I froze. I glanced at a couple of the messages.
It was just the same paranoid ranting as before.
He called again, and I nearly hung up. Nearly.
But, without knowing how to say it or why I was saying it, I told Ross, “Listen…I’m going to pick up, OK? Just so he’ll leave me alone.”
“Sure,” Ross said, understanding.
Feeling grateful, I threw on my pajama shirt and walked to the living room, picking up just in time before he hung up.
“Monty,” I began, “the last time we talked, we said…”
“Jenna, I’m so sorry,” he interrupted me.
“Monty, are you crying?”
“I’m sorry, Jenna. I’m sorry for everything I said. I shouldn’t have talked to you that way.”
I had been ready to give him a piece of my mind, but now I wasn’t sure. Something might really be wrong, I thought. I’d never heard that tone in his voice before.
“I’m an idiot,” he continued. “It’s just that I love you, Jenna. Every time you don’t pick up the phone, I feel like I’m going crazy. I shouldn’t have said all the stuff I said. I’m sorry. I was jealous. I thought you’d leave me for that other guy. I’m sorry. I was a jerk. I don’t deserve you.”
I rubbed my eyes, feeling guilty because of course, he was right. I had even told Ross he was right, that Monty and I were likely done.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Monty. You’re not a bad guy. It’s just…”
“I know what you’re going to say. We had a deal.
You’re right. And you can keep seeing that guy as much as you like.
Just know that I love you, Jenna. And I trust you.
Completely. And I know you’d never betray me.
I take back what I said about breaking up with you.
My feelings are too strong for that. And I know you wouldn’t actually betray me.
Please forgive me. I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
I closed my eyes and tried to gather my thoughts. It was breaking my heart, hearing him hurting so much over something I’d done. I fell down on the sofa and murmured, “Why should I believe you?”
“Because I’m telling the truth. And you know it.
You know no one could love you the way I do.
And I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, right—asking for forgiveness?
I’m tired of the paranoia and the bad attitude.
I just want us to keep going. You tell me under what conditions.
And I’ll agree. And I won’t blow up again.
I swear. Just give me one more chance. That’s all I’m asking for. ”
I could have cried from frustration. In our hearts, we must have both known how this was going to end, but still I found myself unable to hurt him.
And it all felt so much worse when I looked up and saw Ross in the hallway, leaning against the wall, fully conscious of all that was going on.
I wanted to say no, I should have, but I couldn’t bring myself to break Monty’s heart, and I found myself whispering, “Fine. One more chance.”
I knew Ross was watching me, and I forced myself to look away. I knew what I saw would sting. And I knew I deserved it.
“Thank you, Jenna,” Monty said, relieved. “I love you. You can’t imagine how much I love you. I mean, for a second, I thought… Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”
“I’ve got to go, Monty.”
“I love you,” he repeated.
“Good night.”
I hung up and stood, unable to confront the situation. I was drowning, and I knew Ross was watching me. He didn’t even seem angry. Just disappointed. Hurt. I told him I was sorry, and he told me I shouldn’t be. “He is your boyfriend, right?” he said.
“It’s not that easy, Ross. He…”
“You don’t owe me any explanations.” After a moment’s pause, he ran his hand through his hair and said, “I think I’m going to go back to the party, though. I’m not sure I feel like sleeping yet.”
“Ross, you don’t have to go. I can sleep on the couch. If it’ll make you more comfortable.”
“Why should I feel uncomfortable. We’re friends, right?”
I didn’t know what to say. That remark cut deep, but I’d deserved it. He shook his head and walked away. And I lay down on the couch and asked myself if what I’d done was wrong.