13 The Lasagna #3
Will nodded to him, Mike hopped in, and Ross jetted out of the garage.
The drive home was terrifying—I was white-knuckling it the whole way.
Speeding was one thing, but I don’t know how we even stayed on the road.
I reached over and touched Ross’s hand, and he slowed down a little.
Then he grabbed my fingers and his hand dropped into his lap.
We dropped Naya off at the dorm, and I went back with the three guys.
When we got inside, Mike flopped down and said, “I guess I’ll take the sofa.
” His brother didn’t react; he just dropped his keys on the bar and walked wordlessly to his room.
Mike grinned a little sadly and said, “He’s never been able to take Dad’s nonsense. Some things never change. They could argue about anything. This time, though, Ross was in the right. That was too much.”
My nerves were raw, and I didn’t think talking about it would help, so I said good night to Mike and Will and headed to Ross’s room while Mike turned on the TV.
I closed the door behind me. Ross was changing clothes and didn’t seem to have cooled off one bit.
I didn’t know whether I should speak to him or respect his silence.
I’d never seen him like this, and I didn’t know what he needed.
So I just put on my pajamas and got in bed.
Eventually he sat with his back turned to me.
I was about to say something, but he beat me to it. “I’m not sure if I should let him stay here.”
“Who, Mike? Doesn’t he have his own place?”
“He did. They kicked him out. I don’t know why, but it isn’t the first time. He used to always bounce back and forth between his different apartments and Mom and Dad’s place. Now he doesn’t want to stay with them, and I get that, but…”
“Ross, you did the right thing. If you hadn’t let him come over, he’d be sleeping on the street.”
“Maybe he should sleep on the street, Jen,” he murmured. “Maybe that way, he’d finally wake up to reality for once.”
I took off my glasses and laid them on the nightstand. I looked at my hands. They were shaking.
“My fucking father,” he continued. “How dare he tell me what to do with my apartment. It’s mine, not his. He’s never even set foot in here.”
“I don’t know, Ross,” I said, my heart in my throat.
“I mean, I’ve been here two months already.
Maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome. I can’t just live here for free forever.
I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.
I don’t contribute anything. I just get in the way.
My mom said maybe she’d be in better shape soon financially.
I should probably check on that and get a job if it doesn’t pan out. ”
“Why do you want to go?” Ross asked.
“I don’t.”
“It sure seems like it, the way you can’t stop talking about it when I told you I don’t care about the money and I want you here! You know what, though? Whatever. If you want to go, go. I don’t care. I need some fresh air and a cigarette. And I need to be by myself.”
He got up to go to the balcony, and I tried to stop him, but that just made him explode again.
“I told you I don’t want your money. I want you.
I want you to live here with me and Will and Sue, like now, and I know you want that, too, but for some stupid reason, you’re trying to convince yourself otherwise.
And I can’t understand why. Because if that’s not it, I’m completely baffled, and you’re going to have to tell me what you do want. ”
“I don’t know!” I admitted.
He attacked again. “Is this what you plan on doing? Going through your life letting the things people like my father say matter to you? He’s always been a jerk.
He’s always loved making other people feel bad.
That’s why I didn’t want you to come to my house when he was there.
I knew he’d try to ruin everything. And it looks like he did. ”
“Ross,” I told him, “don’t talk about your father that way.”
“He hasn’t been my father for a long time.”
I stood and walked toward him. “Can’t you understand how hopeless I might feel being here and not paying for anything? Do you not get that I need to feel useful? That I don’t want people to take pity on me, that I want to do something for myself?”
“I don’t feel sorry for you, Jen.”
“Not now, maybe, but you will if I just stay here scrounging off of you.”
He seemed calmer for a moment and asked, “Wait, is that it?” His voice was softer then. “Are you scared I’m going to get tired of you? Like Monty when he told you he wanted an open relationship?”
“You don’t know anything about what happens between us,” I said, feeling so exposed I wanted to run away.
“I do. I know how you act with us, and I know what happens to you every time he calls or texts. You’re scared of him, Jen.”
“I am not!”
“You are. Just admit it for once. You’re scared of being with him, and you’re scared of leaving him.
Any fool can see it. That’s why you agreed not to break up with him the other day.
You might feel like shit with him, but you’re more comfortable than you would be actually trying with me.
You’re scared because you think I’d hurt you.
And it’s easier for you to just accept someone you don’t like mistreating you than to let in someone who really likes you. Tell me I’m wrong, Jen.”
“Shut up!”
“No! I’m tired of shutting up! I’m tired of seeing you getting upset over that dickhead. Can you not just love yourself for once?”
Love myself. Those two words lit a wick inside me, and all the frustration I’d been accumulating without realizing it exploded. And Ross was the victim. I pushed him so hard it surprised him.
“You want me to love myself? Well, what about you, Ross? I told you I had a boyfriend, I told you we had a deal that I could have sex with other people, and you just accepted that. I left you high and dry the other night because of my boyfriend, and you were nice about it. You tried to hold my hand and I pulled it away, and what? Where was your reaction? Do something for once. Get mad at me. Throw me out of your bed, dammit. Throw me out of your apartment.”
I nearly pushed him again, and he stepped away, shouting, “This is a fucking joke, right? You’re actually mad at me because I’m not mad at you?”
“Ross, I’m treating you like shit and you’re just taking it. Why the hell won’t you get mad at me?”
“I don’t know… OK, Jen!”
“Fine. But don’t tell me to love myself, because I don’t see you doing that,” I said.
“You’re mixing up two very different things,” he responded.
“Maybe I’m being irrational sometimes, but it’s because I know what I want.
I want you, and if I have to make some sacrifices, so be it.
You, though… You don’t know what the hell you want.
Your family tells you to come home and you’re like, Maybe I should just go home .
Some loser you don’t even care about tells you he needs you and you’re like, Poor Monty, he needs me .
A man you’ve never met in your life makes insinuations about you living at my apartment, and you listen to his opinion and don’t give a damn about mine when I’m the one who actually cares about you!
And I’m sorry, but I know you care about me.
If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t look at me the way you do.
You wouldn’t act the way you act when I’m around.
Lie to yourself if you need to, but don’t lie to me.
If you need time, I get that, but I can’t do it like this.
Not with you just staying in a rut because it’s the easiest thing to do. ”
I couldn’t stop myself from crying. He didn’t try to console me, and I was grateful for it because it would only have made me feel worse. I covered my face with my hands and tried to calm down. Even after I’d wiped away my tears, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“I don’t want to be like that,” I said. “I don’t like it when I’m like that. I do want to be my own person. But I don’t know how,” I admitted. I don’t even think I realized I was speaking aloud. Now Ross did come over and put his hands on my shoulders.
“Jen, you are your own person. It’s just a matter of recognizing it and letting yourself be free.”
He sounded so sure of himself that I almost believed him. “I don’t want to play with your feelings,” I said. “But I also don’t want to hurt Monty.”
“Dammit, Jen, can you not forget that idiot for a moment? Just for a moment, to ask yourself what you want? What would make you feel good?”
I thought for a moment. I felt like I was standing before an ocean of uncertainties. But of course, in my heart, I knew what was right for me.
“I don’t want to be with him,” I murmured.
“Then I guess it’s time to take care of some things, isn’t it?”
“I guess.” I smiled through my sorrow and looked up at him. “I still feel like you must be mad at me, though.”
“Of course I am. And I’m mad at myself that I’m not madder at you. It’s frustrating, but what’s a guy to do?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Jack Ross.” It seemed funny, using his full name, and we both looked at each other a little awkwardly before I continued. “Look, I don’t want to go. I like being here, I like you, I like Will and Sue. But I still feel like I owe you something.”
“You don’t owe me anything. But I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to get back in bed with me.”
It was strange how natural that sounded. And I felt relaxed as I nodded, walking inside as he dropped his jacket into the chair. I lay down and waited for him. When he was next to me, he sighed and turned out the light, saying, “Good night, Jen.”
I wanted to cuddle up with him, but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. Not till I had settled things with Monty. Take care of that first, and then I could have Ross all to myself. Before I fell asleep, I just said one thing.
“You know, I like the sound of Jack. I think I’m going to call you Jack from now on.”
“Great,” he said.
“So good night, Jack.”
On my way out of class the next day, I saw dozens of messages and missed calls from Monty.
The loser. I’d written him that morning and told him it was over between us.
That was cowardly, I know. But I was a coward.
And Ross was right about one thing: I was scared of Monty. He was acting crazier and crazier.
I wouldn’t answer him, but I did want to call my sister.
She put Owen on for a little bit. He always put me in a better mood.
You’re not supposed to pick favorites in your family, but I had.
Him and Shannon. They were the ones who always made me feel better.
I waved at a couple of classmates on my way out the door, ready to go home and take a shower. I was exhausted.
“Jenna!” It was Mike. He was wearing a pink stocking cap. “Are you going to Ross’s?”
“As always.”
“Cool, I’ll come with you.”
“Nice hat,” I said.
“Yeah, I got it out of lost and found. By the way, did you piss someone off? Because there’s a huge dude over there walking toward us and he doesn’t look happy.”
I grinned, thinking this was just another of Mike’s dumb comments, but then I turned and what I saw made me freeze.
There he was, big, blond, tall, and furious.
“Hello, Jenna,” he said coldly as he stopped in front of us.
My eyes opened wide as I tried to take him in and make sure he was real and not a dream.
“Monty?”