30. Thirty #3
Please tell me I used a condom. The panic creeping in is like nothing I ever felt before, and I’ve been in plenty of situations in which heart-pounding fear was an appropriate response.
I shrug on my worn denim jacket and pull my phone out of my pocket.
Thirteen missed calls and eight text messages.
The fact that someone took the liberty to silence it doesn’t go unnoticed and causes a new wave of anger to bubble up in my chest.
“You took advantage of me last night,” I accuse as I hit her with a scalding glare.
“We both know I never would’ve agreed to this had I been sober.
I’ve shut you down enough times to make it clear that I’m not a cheater.
You know I’m with Tessa, and thanks to you, she’ll probably hate me forever.
So, if you have any compassion, I’m asking you not to tell anyone about this until I’ve had a chance to talk to her.
You owe me that much, seeing as you’ve just fucked up my life even more than it already was. ”
At last, Jessica has the decency to show some remorse.
“I won’t tell anyone. I promise. And I’m sorry if I’ve put you in a tough spot.
I honestly didn’t realize you were that drunk.
I’ve seen you wasted many times, and you’ve always been able to stick to your guns and shut down my advances.
After a while, it simply became a game for me.
A bit of harmless fun,” she admits with a nervous chuckle.
“I held little hope that you’d ever give in, so it took me by surprise when you pushed me up against a tree and kissed the ever-loving shit out of me.
When I asked what made you change your mind, you said you didn’t feel like talking and told me to take what I want already. ”
Jesus Christ. Just shoot me now. To say I’m disgusted with myself would be putting it mildly.
“You know I’ve had it bad for you forever, and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity.
I might come across as an uncaring bitch sometimes, but after you mentioned having a disagreement, I seriously thought you and Tessa must’ve broken things off.
Figured you were probably using me to get over her, and honestly, I didn’t care.
I was just happy it was happening at all, but whatever,” she adds, waving a manicured hand in the air. “It’s all good.”
Listen, if you asked me even just a couple of minutes ago if it was possible to feel like an even bigger asshole, the answer would’ve been a resounding no.
But it appears this fucking day isn’t done with me.
What the hell did I take last night that I can’t remember a goddamn thing?
This isn’t like me. It makes no sense. I’m one hundred percent head over heels in love with Tessa, and I know how manipulative Jessica can be.
Sure, she’s a good-looking girl. I’m not proud of it, but if I were single, I most likely would’ve tapped that a long time ago, despite her questionable character.
But I’m not. I’m with Tessa. My best friend.
A friend who’s made it abundantly clear that she hates Jessica’s guts.
I refuse to believe I’d betray her trust like this.
Unfortunately, waking up naked in the enemy’s bed is a pretty hard thing to ignore.
What am I supposed to do now? There isn’t a chance in hell I’ll be able to keep this from Tessa.
I simply can’t lie to her like that, and I can’t take the risk of her finding out through a third party.
Not that she’ll take it any better coming from me.
She’ll be devastated either way, and I know in my heart our relationship won’t survive this.
Once again, panic claws at me, making it hard to breathe. First things first, I need to get out of here and clear my head. Sort through the cobwebs and come up with some kind of plan to make this right .
“I’m sorry, Jessica,” I say, and surprisingly, I find myself meaning it.
“It’s not fair to put the blame on you. I’m responsible for my own actions, and by the sound of it, I was the one initiating.
Again, I’d appreciate it if you could keep this under wraps for now. I have to go. I’ll see you around.”
With that, I hightail it out of her place, thanking God for small favors when I don’t run into anyone on my way out. I walk down the road before I pull out my phone and dial the one person I can count on to come pick me up and help talk me through this mess.
Carter picks up on the first ring, and I fight the urge to burst into tears at the sound of his familiar voice.
Giving him my location, I beg him to hurry before I sink to the curb and bury my face in my hands.
How on earth am I supposed to face the girl I can’t live without, knowing that coming clean and confessing my sins will condemn me to a lifetime of misery?
“You better be fucking kidding me?” Carter barks as soon as I slide into the passenger seat of his dad’s Honda.
He’s not stupid. I may not have been sitting right on Jessica’s front steps, but putting two blocks between me and the scene of the crime isn’t enough to fool him.
He knows damn well who lives in this neighborhood, and judging by his pissed-off expression, it just now dawns on him why I hadn’t picked up my phone all night.
He doesn’t seem as relieved as you might expect from finding out his best friend is alive and well, not lying in a ditch somewhere.
Rather, he looks like he wouldn’t mind murdering me himself.
Dropping my head back, I let my eyes flutter shut, massaging my temples while I wait for the inevitable lecture that is sure to come.
I can literally feel him burning a hole into the side of my head as the car quietly idles at the curb.
I know what he’s doing. He’s waiting for me to grow a pair and look him in the eye.
I don’t want to, but Carter’s a stubborn fuck, and we both know this car is not going anywhere until I indulge him.
When I finally turn my head, my face must display every ounce of gut-wrenching guilt I’m wrestling with, for his previously unforgiving expressions softens in an instant .
“Goddamnit Jake. What did you do?” He groans like he already knows whatever I’m about to say will cause him physical pain.
“I don’t know,” I admit in a raw whisper. “I don’t remember a damn thing.”
“Goddamnit, Jake,” he repeats while the heavy weight of disapproval sits on my chest like a boulder. I don’t bother with a reply. There’s nothing I can say to change the utter fuckedupness of the situation.
“Can you please drop me at the river so I can pick up my truck? I have to get home, shower, and change before I go to see Tessa.”
Carter forces the car into gear and begins heading toward the other end of town before asking, “And tell her what, exactly?”
“I don’t fucking know, man, but I have to tell her something before someone else beats me to it.
Not that she’ll forgive me either way. Fuck!
” I roar, slamming a fist into the glove compartment hard enough to bruise my knuckles.
We don’t speak again until we reach our destination, each of us lost in our own heads as we contemplate the possible repercussions of my careless actions.
Carter may not have made the mistake, but that doesn’t mean it’s not about to get really awkward for him.
If Tessa breaks up with me—no, scratch that—once Tessa breaks up with me, the dynamics of our friendship will forever be changed.
Tessa is as much his friend as she’s mine.
Plus, she’s the number one confidant of his wife-to-be, and the godmother of his unborn child.
He’ll find himself smack dab in the middle of our eventual fall-out, and I hate myself for putting him in this position.
In a few short hours, Tessa is going to hate my guts.
Megan won’t have a choice but to take her side, and Carter?
Well, Carter is going to do what Carter does best, which is have my back.
Forever defending my piss-poor behavior, even if it means inviting tension into his own relationship.
Even if we both know I don’t deserve it this time.
For the first time, the thought of him once again suffering for something I’ve done fills me with so much shame that I have a hard time meeting his eyes.
It makes me want to grab him, shake him, and yell at him to cut his losses and find himself a better friend.
Someone deserving of his loyalty because, clearly, I fucking suck at relationships of all shapes and forms. And while we’re already on the tedious task of taking a long, hard look at my many shortcomings, I may as well add that I haven’t brought anything valuable to the table for far too long.
I mean, the guy is currently navigating what could potentially be the biggest crisis of his life, having just found out he’s going to be a father, and here I am making him worry all night and trying to one-up him when he should be leaning on me for support.
When Carter eventually pulls up next to my truck and kills the engine, we simply sit there, neither of us quite ready to deal with the literal shitstorm brewing on the horizon.
“Alright, walk me through it,” Carter breaks the silence. “You know what, never mind. There’s really only one thing I need to know. Did you fuck her?” he asks, never one to beat around the bush and twisting the knife in my chest just a little deeper.
“I woke up naked in her bed, man. I really don’t want it to be true, but according to Jessica, I most definitely did.”
“Shit.”
“That about sums it up,” I mutter, running a shaky hand through my disheveled hair.
“Fuck, dude. How the hell did this happen? Did you not hear a word I said to you the other day? What about ‘Tessa needs reassurances’ translated to ‘let’s go and fuck the girl responsible for ninety-five percent of her insecurities?’ You know, I really thought I’d gotten through to you.”
“You did.” I go to defend myself but quickly realize how ridiculous I sound, given the circumstances. “I didn’t plan for this to happen. Tessa and I were supposed to go together, but we got into it on our way to the party, and I ended up going alone.”
“What were you fighting about?”
My stomach rolls as I remember the reason for our heated argument.
“Jessica,” I grit out and barely restrain myself from pummeling the glove compartment a second time. This is a disaster .
“Damn, Jake. You can’t make this shit up.
It’s like you’re caught in a bad soap opera.
So, let me get this straight. You guys got into an argument, and you couldn’t look past your own nose and got your panties in a twist which, naturally, led you to get so fucked up you can’t even remember whether or not you slept with someone? Does that sound about right?”
I lean forward and pour a tortured groan into the palms of my hands.
“It wasn’t like that,” I mumble through splayed fingers before I turn my head to meet his accusing gaze.
“I had a few drinks, but I felt bad about the way I left things with Tessa and just wasn’t enjoying myself, so I called it a night.
I remember Chase offering me something to get me to stay, but I’m pretty sure I turned him down. ”
“You’re pretty sure? Because it seems to me something led you to make some terrible choices, and I’d like to think that the Jake I know would never have gone there, not in his right mind. So think, and think hard. Did you or did you not take something?”
I rack my brain, mentally jumping back to that fundamental moment as I visualize Chase’s wide grin.
I can see his outstretched arm in my mind’s eye as he waves the small pouch in front of my face, taunting me with its contents.
It’s coming back to me in a jumble of bits and pieces.
Me telling him I’m not interested. The niggling sensation that something was off and just wanting to get to my truck to sleep it off.
But that’s where my memory fails. I got nothing after that.
“I don’t know, Carter,” I growl, frustrated with the situation as well as myself.
“I’m ninety-five percent certain I turned him down, but if I did, then there’s no reasonable explanation for how I ended up at Jessica’s.
It doesn’t matter though, does it? Whether I was on something or not won’t make a lick of difference, and it doesn’t change the fact that I was unfaithful. ”
Carter shakes his head with a sad resignation.
“This is a fucking nightmare, dude. I’m telling you, that chick has some nerve.
I’ve watched her trying to drive a wedge between you two since you first started dating.
She’s probably opening a bottle of bubbly as we speak, seeing as she’s finally succeeded.
I hate to say it, but I really despise the bitch, and I don’t trust her one bit.
Something about this doesn’t feel right. ”
“It doesn’t feel right because you don’t want to believe I’m capable of this.
Trust me, I know the feeling.” I release a dark chuckle.
“God, you were right. I’m just like him, aren’t I?
A selfish piece of shit with a substance abuse problem.
I’ve judged him for years because he wasn’t able to control his impulses and look at me now.
Getting fucked up every chance I get and making excuses for my hurtful behavior.
Lashing out at the people I love because I don’t want to admit I’m weak.
And now I’m about to destroy the one girl who refused to give up on me, no matter how badly I’ve treated her.
I’m about to tear her whole world apart, and there’s not a damn thing I can do to soften the blow.
I can’t take this back. The only thing I can do now is own up to it and pray she’ll be able to forgive me someday. ”
“Goddamn it, Jake.”