11. ONE MORE CHANCE
ONE MORE CHANCE
It’s been one week since Ken left my apartment.
A perfect day that I’m classifying as the morning after to file away in my mind’s vault that belongs solely to Kenneth Dunn.
He stayed over until after dinner; we watched movies, went out for a late lunch, and talked some more.
I felt like I was getting to know him, really know him.
I was privy to childhood stories, hopes, dreams, and even information about his mom’s diagnosis and prognosis.
Now, he feels like a stranger all over again.
Watching him walk away from me felt like a punch to the gut.
I knew at that very moment that he’d disappear once more, and I was right.
There’s nothing quite like getting your hopes up and then having them crushed to dust. I should’ve known he’d do this, that he couldn’t actually handle getting serious with me.
But I believed him when he said he wanted to try with me, that he was serious about it.
The kiss he gave me before disappearing from my life again convinced me, and it makes me feel stupid.
Gullible. He probably did just want to fuck me and then fuck off out of my life.
While I’m angry that I believed his lies, I’m angrier that he ghosted me again.
He could’ve just told me it wasn’t going to work out, and while I would’ve hated it and it would’ve hurt, I know I’d never pressure him.
I know I would have accepted it and tried to move on.
Emphasis on the try. There’s no way in hell I won’t suffer, that I won’t be heartbroken.
Hell, I am heartbroken. I’m not sure why this is hitting me so hard, but it really fucking is.
For fuck’s sake.
Did I really go and fall in love with this guy after fucking him once?
Or was I already in deep before touching him?
Am I just making him more important than he actually is?
An idolized figment of my imagination? But no, it really doesn’t feel that way.
It feels real—like I know him, really know him. And it makes absolutely no sense.
The last week has gone by agonizingly slowly.
I can’t even recall how I used to spend my time before he left.
Now all I do is think about him and wallow in self-pity.
Yeah, I feel bad for myself, can’t even believe I’m in this situation.
Me, the guy who has never done fucking relationships.
Seems Kenneth and I really do have things in common, after all.
I was stupid to think this could be different.
Maybe I should have stuck to my one-night stands.
It sure would’ve been less painful that way.
I’m starting to think pursuing Kenneth Dunn was the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe it really is better this way.
To avoid thinking about him the way I have been for the past seven days, I decided to go to the grocery store.
I usually make this trip once a week, but I’ve spent the last three days in a row walking through aisles and not picking much up.
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for other than a distraction.
When nothing catches my attention, I go to the ice cream aisle and begin to look for my favorite strawberry mochi.
If I’m going to be sad, I’m going to eat ice cream while I do it.
I toss the box of mochi into the cart and look up, just to see Jasmine walking toward me.
She looks nervous as she approaches me, and I feel my walls going up, brick by fucking brick.
My face is a blank mask, and she looks at me with wide eyes.
We stare at each other for a few moments, then she nods, clearly making a decision.
“I imagine you don’t really want to talk to me,” she says with a wince. “I don’t really blame you. He hurt you.”
My nostrils flare. “I’d have to care for him to hurt me.”
“Don’t do that.” Jasmine shakes her head. “We both know you care.”
“Not anymore,” I reply coldly. “Excuse me. I have a lot of work to do tonight.”
“Wait—” she says loudly, getting in front of my shopping cart and blocking my path so I can’t leave. “He’s having a hard time.”
“I don’t care.”
“Yes, you do,” Jasmine says through gritted teeth. “You can’t lie to me. I know better.”
“You don’t know me at all,” I snap, gripping the cart’s handle so tightly my knuckles blanch.
“I know you like him a lot,” she says angrily. “If you knew what he’s going through, you wouldn’t be this angry. You’d understand.”
“There’s nothing he could be going through that excuses him ghosting me yet again, Jasmine,” I reply tightly. “He could’ve texted. That goes a long way, you know.”
Jasmine nods. “I know.” Just when I think she’s going to give up and get the hell out of my way, she raises her chin defiantly.
“I’m only doing this because I care about him, and I don’t want him to miss out on a chance at being happy.
I know you’re pissed, but he really is having a hard time.
His mom is in the hospital—she’s really sick.
They’re not sure if she’ll get to leave anytime soon… or at all.”
My blood runs cold. “What do you mean ‘or at all’?”
Jasmine gulps, looking down. “I mean, Alicia might die sooner than we thought. She has an infection in her port, and she was septic.”
Alicia might die.
Fuck.
I shake my head, and she looks at me with hope in her eyes. “She’s—are you sure?”
Jasmine nods firmly. “Conrad, he’s a mess.
He’s not eating or sleeping. He won’t leave her bedside.
I know you think he doesn’t want you, but he just has a really hard time relying on people, trusting them.
He’s scared of letting you in and you leaving.
I’m the only family he has left, and he’s terrified of being alone.
But he’s even more terrified of having something and then losing it. ”
“Why do you care?” I ask, rubbing a hand down my face. “Why do you want me to be with him?”
“H-he hasn’t been excited about anyone in a long time, Conrad.
” Her bottom lip wobbles as if she’s about to cry.
“He said you felt familiar to him. Like you were always meant to be with him. And he just had this feeling that he knew you. Like soulmates or something. He thinks he’s dreamed about you but can’t remember. ”
My hands begin to tremble—my whole body does.
“Where is he?” I ask her with pleading eyes.
Her eyes widen, “He doesn’t want you to know—”
“Too fucking late for that, isn’t it?” I growl. “Tell me where the fuck he is.”
Jasmine winces but gives me the name of the hospital, and I put my mochi back into the freezer. I’m not sure why Kenneth didn’t tell me it was this bad already. It hurts that he doesn’t think he can lean on me, but I’m about to show him he’s wrong. I have to be there.
“Conrad,” Jasmine says, just above a whisper. “Take care of him.”
“Always,” I vow. “I’m going there right now.”
“And his heart,” she adds, and I frown. “Take care of his heart. He’s soft, even if he doesn’t show it.”
I nod, acknowledging her statement. “I know he is. But I’ve got him, Jasmine. I swear it. He’s mine—and I take care of what’s mine.”
At this, she smiles. “I’ve never seen him this way, just so you know.”
“What way?”
“Obsessed with someone,” Jasmine says with a twinkle in her eye, and my stomach flips at her admission.
If there’s anyone in this world who knows Kenneth, it’s Jasmine.
“He really, really likes you. He’s gotten his hopes up, and that’s not like him at all.
I don’t know what you did to him, but he wants more with you. That has never happened before.”
“What does he want?” I breathe.
“A relationship.” She shrugs. “He wants it all.”
He wants it all.
My heart skips a beat. “I want it all, too,” I whisper.
“Go get your man.” Jasmine winks, and I nod quickly.
Before I can walk away, she says, “Oh, and Conrad?” I look at her expectantly, tilting my head to the side, waiting for her to continue.
“He’s not just going to let you in. You have to show him you’re a safe person.
Words don’t matter to him. He has to know it in his bones. ”
I nod.
“Everyone always walks away from him,” she continues. “His dad left him when he was a toddler.” I know. “He didn’t want to be a dad. Ken trusts no one—he’s convinced everyone leaves because that’s what they’ve shown him. You need to be the one willing to stay.”
“I am,” I tell her with conviction. “I’m the one who stays.”
Jasmine smiles softly, her eyes misty. “I hope so.” We stare at each other for a beat, and then she nods. “Go get him. He needs you.”
“See you later, Jasmine,” I tell her right before I sprint out of the grocery store.
I catch an Uber instead of going back home for my car, not wanting to make the trip back and waste more time. I need to get to him as soon as possible. Pulling out my phone, I go to our messages and type one out quickly.
Me: Ken, we need to talk. Please call me.
A moment later, the read receipt appears below it. I hold my breath as the bubbles pop up and disappear. This goes on for what feels like forever, but when they’re gone for a minute, I know he’s changed his mind. He’s not going to reply.
I blow out a big breath and decide to make an even bigger fool of myself, then hit call.
It rings three times, then goes to voicemail.
He rejected my call. I scoff, irritation coursing through me.
Why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Why is he running away?
If there’s anyone in this world who’d understand what he’s going through, it’s me.
“Call me, Kenneth,” I say tightly when the voicemail beeps. “Now.”
The hospital is on the outskirts of the city, and the trip feels like it takes a fucking lifetime.
Thankfully, it’s not traffic hour. I’d rip out my damn hair if it was.
When we finally pull up to the emergency room entrance, I practically run out of the car and into the building.
The kind nurse at the reception desk points me in the direction of the oncology unit, and I speed walk to the elevator.
I want to run to him, demand they let me see him, but I also need to let him make the decision.
I’m here for him, whether he wants me to be or not.
Now he has to either let me in or tell me to leave.
Me: Come to the lobby of the oncology unit.
Kenny: Huh?
Me: I said come to the lobby, Kenneth.
He reads the message immediately, but doesn’t reply. I pace the lobby, back and forth over and over again, wondering if I made a mistake. Am I crazy for showing up here uninvited? Probably. But I need to see him. I need him to know that I’m here for him, no matter what.
“W-what the hell are you doing here, Conrad?” Ken’s voice is rough, as if he hasn’t spoken in a very long time.
I spin on my heel quickly, making myself dizzy. “I needed to see you,” I reply calmly, hoping that if I keep my tone soft, he won’t freak out.
“I haven’t texted you—fuck, I haven’t even answered your texts or your call…and you’re here?”
“Yes.” I blow out a big breath. “You need me, so I’m here.”
“I don’t—” He shakes his head.
“Baby, you don’t have to go through this alone,” I say just above a whisper, and his bottom lip wobbles as tears gather in his eyes.
“Come here.” Kenneth closes the distance between us, hugging me tightly and burying his face in the crook of my neck.
He sobs loudly, his body shaking, and I rub circles on his back soothingly. “It’s okay. Let it out.”
“She’s going to die.” He cries harder. “She’s going to leave me, too, Conrad. Everyone leaves me—everyone but her. No one else has ever stayed, and now she’ll be gone too—”
“I’ll stay,” I tell him, trying to reassure him, but also making him a promise. “I won’t leave you.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers against my neck, his tears soaking my skin and shirt. “I didn’t mean to not answer. I just haven’t been in a good headspace, and when that happens, I get really overwhelmed and disappear.”
“You don’t have to do that with me.” I hold him tighter, cradling the back of his head with one hand while I rub his back with the other. “I’m here for you. I want you to lean on me, Kenny.”
“I’ll do better,” Ken whispers, sniffling. “I’m just scared. I’ve never—” His breath shudders out of him, and he shakes in my arms. “I’m not used to relying on anyone.”
“It’s okay, Ken,” I soothe, rubbing his back slowly. He shifts and looks into my eyes. “Everything’s okay. Don’t stress over it, alright? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t deserve it.” He sounds like he’s choking, and I press his face into the side of my neck. “I—”
“Yes. You do,” I reply sternly. “You deserve everything I choose to give you.”
He sobs again, “I won’t disappear on you again. I promise.”
I nod, a knot in my throat that won’t let me speak.
I swallow past it, but before I can think of a reply, he leans in and kisses me.
All thoughts of him not speaking to me vanish from my mind.
All the hurt he caused—poof. The only thing I feel is relief; that he’s in my arms, that I can touch him, that he wants this too. That he needs me.
Kenneth’s lips move over mine slowly, reverently.
He cups my face with both hands and whimpers into the kiss when I deepen it, and when his tongue strokes mine, warm and sweet, my hands come up to his face too.
It feels like an earthquake is happening inside of me, or maybe it’s just the way my hands are trembling.
All I know is that I never want to let go of him.
“You’re shaking, baby,” Kenneth whispers against my lips, pressing one more soft kiss against them.
“You make me this way,” I breathe.
It’s not a lie. He makes me stupid and nervous, and like my world begins and ends with him.
It’s too soon to be feeling this way, to need him and want him this badly.
My feelings for him are beyond intense—I don’t actually have words to describe them.
But they scare the shit out of me. He does. That’s why this can never end.
The devastation might just fucking kill me.