13. THE BEST KIND OF ORDINARY
THE BEST KIND OF ORDINARY
Kenneth stares at me with a smile on his face as he picks up his food with his chopsticks, offering me a bite of his shrimp tempura roll.
I open my mouth and accept it, and he smiles so widely that the dimple on the apple of his cheek is more pronounced than ever, faint lines appearing in the corners of his eyes as they sparkle with happiness.
Because that’s what this is—real and raw and intense.
The joy in my chest can’t be one-sided. It’s impossible.
I see it in the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me. He wants to be here. With me.
After the most intense sex of my life, he asked me if he could stay.
He said he wanted to talk and hang out with me, and that if I was open to it, he wanted to stay the night and sleep wrapped up in my arms. I said yes, obviously, and now we’re on my couch eating takeout and listening to corny love songs.
It’s late as fuck, and I’m tired, but I won’t be the one to suggest going to sleep.
Especially not now that he’s finally opening up to me.
We talked about his mom for a while, about how she’s doing at home now that she’s in hospice.
Her nurses are taking care of her, and Kenneth has been staying with her since she got out of the hospital to help the nurse on duty.
Not that she needs it, but it makes him feel better.
He did say he’s taking a step back and going back to visiting rather than staying—at his mom’s request. He said she doesn’t want him to spend all his time caring for a dying parent when he has a life too.
It’s hit him hard, but he says he’s also a bit relieved because he can’t handle the pain of seeing her like that. He was having a hard time doing it.
Another love song starts to play from Ken’s phone, breaking me out of my thoughts, and I smile. He avoids eye contact like he’s embarrassed, taking another bite of his food.
“You know, for someone who doesn’t believe in love, you sure do listen to a lot of love songs,” I note, smirking, and he rolls his eyes with a smile.
“Maybe I’m a dreamer.” Kenneth smirks. “Maybe I sit in my room doodling hearts with my name and your last name behind them.”
I throw my head back and laugh. “Do you write my name too?”
“Of course.” He grins. “I have pages and pages of just your name. I’m obsessed.”
“Is that so?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Yes.” He nods, grinning. “I’ve even made a playlist for us. What should we name it?”
I laugh again. “You’re so full of shit!”
Kenneth raises his phone to his face and unlocks it, tapping on a playlist that’s currently on shuffle.
I swallow hard because there’s no fucking way he’s serious right now.
He couldn’t have possibly made a playlist for us.
My brow furrows as he starts to play the song he was humming in the kitchen a few weeks ago, and his cheeks turn bright red.
“What about Connie and Kenny?” he asks, eyes hopeful. Somehow, he looks vulnerable, and it suddenly dawns on me that he’s serious. Oh, fuck. He’s serious about this. “I think it’s cute.”
I swallow hard, my brow still furrowed. “Kenny?”
“Yeah?” he breathes.
“I can’t tell if you’re fucking with me right now,” I tell him, voice rough. I don’t know what I’ll do if this is all some big joke. “Did you actually make a playlist for us?”
Kenneth nods. “It’s stupid, I know—”
“It’s not stupid,” I interrupt, shaking my head quickly. “Share it with me. I want to listen to it.”
“A-are you making fun of me?” He frowns, and my eyes widen as I shake my head again. “It’s okay if you think it’s dumb.”
I set my sushi on the coffee table and grab his food too, placing it next to mine.
Getting closer to him, I cup his jaw gently and tilt his face up to mine.
His eyes are this bright electric blue I’ve never seen on him before as he stares at me, and I wonder—is this the color of his eyes when he’s in love?
Is he in love with me, too? Am I just making that up in my head right now?
“It’s not dumb, Ken,” I whisper, kissing him softly. The moment our lips connect, Kenneth melts into me and deepens the kiss. I pull away first, and he tries to chase my mouth. I smile at him, rubbing my thumb over his bottom lip. “I love that you made a playlist. It’s sweet.”
“Sweet?” His nose wrinkles. “Is that what I am?”
“The sweetest,” I reply, kissing him again. “Also the cutest.”
“Okay, now you have to stop, or I’ll know you’re lying.” Kenneth chuckles.
“I think I actually believe you,” I tease, smirking, and he narrows his eyes. “You really do write our names in your notebook and doodle little hearts around them.”
“As if!” He laughs.
“You’re gonna write our name in the wet sand at the beach and wait for the waves to wash it away, aren’t you?” I ask him. “Are you gonna take cute pictures of us holding hands, too?”
“You wish.” He grins, but I can tell he’d do just that. “You’re the softie here.”
“Am I?” I ask him with a smirk. “Or are we just the same?”
Kenneth’s eyes soften, and his smile turns wobbly.
He doesn’t answer, but his eyes tell me a million things at once.
They whisper sacred promises and sweet confessions.
They show me his heart, and I can’t fucking look away.
He breathes a little faster as we stare at each other, and then he’s pushing me back against the couch and climbing onto my lap.
I let my hands travel to his hips, and I hold him gently.
I want to grip him tightly instead. I want to never let go.
“It’s you and me, isn’t it, Conrad?” he asks quietly, barely audible over the beating of my heart. It’s pounding in my ears thanks to the way he’s looking at me. As if I hung the sun, the moon, and all the stars in his universe. “Are we real? Is this real?”
“This is the realest thing that’s ever happened to me, baby,” I breathe, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him towards me, pressing his forehead to mine. “Am I real to you?”
“Sometimes it feels like you’re just a dream,” he says against my lips. I pinch my eyes shut at the accuracy. “And sometimes, it feels like I’ll die if you were just something my mind made up.”
There’s a knot in my throat I can barely talk past, but I manage to. “Connie and Kenny,” I whisper. “I love it.”
Ken smirks, “I love us.” I close my eyes again, and when I open them once more, he’s looking right into them. “You’re so beautiful, Conrad. So, so beautiful.”
“Yeah?” My voice cracks. I can’t lie and say I don’t love this side of him. Hearing him say this gives me hope. Makes me feel like it’s not one-sided, after all. Like, maybe we do have a future. “What’s so beautiful about me?”
“Your heart,” he replies without hesitation.
My eyes sting, but I breathe in deeply so I don’t cry. “What else?”
“The way your eyes darken during golden hour,” he continues.
“The way your dark hair turns a couple of shades lighter when the sun shines on it. The way your eyes sparkle when you look at me—they only do that with me. Like I’m your favorite person in the world.
It makes me feel like—I don’t know. Like, maybe I am your favorite person.
And then, your smile. Fuck, Conrad, that smile turns me inside out.
The first time you ever smiled at me, I swear my heart fucking stopped. I haven’t been the same since.”
I gulp, my breath quickening and my pulse pounding. He’s noticed me. He pays attention to everything about me. I thought, well, I don’t know what I thought. That this was superficial to him. That he didn’t really care enough to see me. But I was wrong. Clearly, I judged him too quickly.
“Say something,” he whispers.
“I—” I shake my head. “Fuck, Kenny, how am I ever supposed to get over you when you say these things?”
“I don’t want you to get over me,” he says fiercely, pressing his forehead against mine a little harder. This moment feels intimate, more intimate than anything I’ve ever experienced before. “I want you to love me.”
I nod but stay quiet, because I can’t tell him I already do.
That I always have. That I feel it in my bones that we’ve been together before, maybe in a past life or an alternate universe.
That this doesn’t feel like our beginning.
This feels like a continuation of our always.
Like maybe we’ve come together again and again in different timelines and different circumstances, finding our way back to each other despite everything stacked up against us.
“I want you to love me too,” I tell him instead, and that’s the truth.
I want it more than anything. “I want you to love me so much you can’t breathe without me,” I whisper, feeling more vulnerable than I ever have.
It feels too close to begging for comfort.
Maybe like I’ve done this once or twice before now.
Almost like I’ve already had him, like I’ve already lost him.
Silence settles between us, and he stares into my eyes. But it’s not awkward, just full.
Kenneth reaches over and links our fingers. “Okay.”
I blink. “Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s all you’ve got?” I ask, perplexed.
A smile tugs at Kenneth’s mouth. “You asked for forever. I feel like I should start with okay.”
I laugh despite myself. Then, before I can stop it, my eyes fill with tears. Fucking fuck. I don’t want to cry right now. Not in front of him.
Ken’s fingers are suddenly in my hair, stroking it softly, tipping my chin up with his other hand. “Hey, hey—”
“Sorry.” I sniffle, wiping my tears.
“Don’t,” he says, letting go of my chin. His hand in my hair feels nice, but it doesn’t take the pain in my chest away.
“I’m trying not to ruin this.” I chuckle, and he gives me a little smile.
Kenneth shakes his head and lowers himself to lie against me, chest to chest, his face in the crook of my neck. He kisses me softly. “You couldn’t.”
For the first time since I met Kenneth, I let myself imagine a future. Our future. A real one. Maybe it’s too soon, but it somehow doesn’t feel like it is. It feels right. Like all the stars are aligning for us.
Kenneth falls asleep with his head on my shoulder, breaths steady and even, and I stay awake a little longer, listening to him breathe. It feels so familiar. Like even his heartbeat is ingrained into my memory. Maybe even from a different life, but with the same heartbeat.
Maybe that’s enough for now.