21. YOU MAKE IT EASY
YOU MAKE IT EASY
It’s been two months since the first time I dreamed of dying, and though it hasn’t happened again, I can’t help but have a sense of impending doom.
And I don’t even know why I feel this way.
It’s confusing and infuriating, living while holding my breath.
Waiting for something that surely won’t happen, yet felt so fucking real.
Kenneth hasn’t brought up my nightmare again, but we’ve been living together for two months now, and I have a feeling he’s waiting to see if it’s going to come back.
He looked scared for me back then, and he said it’s because I was screaming and crying in my sleep.
I guess I’d be terrified too if I woke up to that.
Even worse, if it happened to him, the love of my life.
So I can imagine he doesn’t wish for a repeat.
Sometimes I notice he doesn’t look convinced when I say I’m fine, but the truth is that there’s nothing I can do but tell myself it wasn’t real. And thankfully, it wasn’t.
Even through the stress that the dream brought us, I can say these last four and a half months with him have been the best of my life.
I never thought I’d have something like this with anyone.
A connection that surpasses anything I’ve ever experienced before.
As a chronic commitment-phobe, I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d be stargazing with a man and professing my love for him. That’s for damn sure.
I also never would’ve thought I’d also love his mom, but we’ve been spending time with her as much as we can.
He goes to see her every day now that she’s slowly deteriorating even more, and I see her on my days off.
The doctor says she has maybe a few months left—two at most. It’s been hard on Kenneth, and I want him to know that I care, that I’m here for the hard times as well as the easy times.
I think he knows by now, but I show him every chance I get.
And even though he refuses to talk about her because he’s still having a hard time opening up and being vulnerable, I know that as long as I keep showing up, he’s getting everything he needs from me.
It also helps that she loves me, too, and she tells Ken she’s proud of him for letting me in finally.
She told me she feels relieved that I’m here for him, that he won’t be alone once she’s gone, and we know that’ll be soon.
And even through that, she told me to take him away for the weekend to help him not think about it.
She says he needs a break, and though I was hesitant, she insisted.
Now, here we are in Maine, spending the weekend together.
And if I have a choice in it, we will be together forever.
I want to grow old with him. I see it all play out behind my eyelids as he drives us to our destination—the proposal, the wedding, the life.
The dog, even. I’d give him anything he wanted.
We’re headed on a day cruise to watch nature and wildlife at Acadia National Park.
We’re at the very end of the whale watching season, and I wanted to bring him here to watch his favorite ones—the humpback whales—before they close for the season.
He doesn’t know that’s what we’re doing, not exactly.
I only put the address into the GPS and told him it was something he was going to love.
I just want to see the look of surprise on his face as he drives up to the establishment.
The cruise is supposed to last around two hours, and we’re going to be watching the coast of Mount Desert Island, which I saw pictures of, and it’s stunning.
There will be whales, dolphins, puffins, and even seals.
Kenneth is a lover of the ocean, and I can’t wait to see his eyes sparkle as he takes it all in.
I even thought about proposing today, but two things stopped me.
The first thing: it would be moving too fast, and I don’t want to spook him.
And the second thing: I really think maybe he’d like something a bit more private.
More intimate. That feels more like something he’d like than a grand gesture with fifty other people as witnesses.
The tires crunch on little rocks, and I look up to see the parking lot.
We’ve finally arrived, and Kenneth has a look of confusion on his face as he reads the name of the establishment.
Bar Harbor Sunset Cruises. He looks at me briefly before scanning the space for a parking spot, then takes it.
Once he’s parked and unbuckles himself, he turns his body toward me and raises an eyebrow. It makes me grin, but he doesn’t budge.
“Well?” he asks, exasperation clear in his voice. “Are you going to tell me why we’re here?”
“I think the name gave it away, baby.” I shrug. “What do you think we’re doing?”
“We’re in a national park…” Ken trails off. “In Maine. What is there to see here?”
“You’re so adorable, Kenny.” I sigh, and he scowls at me, which makes me grin again. “I did a lot of research, and I read that the season is about to end. I was hoping we could catch a sighting before it happened.”
“Season?”
“Whale watching season, Ken,” I say excitedly, and his eyes widen. “Humpback whales.”
Kenneth’s eyes widen even more, and when they connect with mine, they’re sparkling with so many emotions I can’t keep up or tell what he’s thinking. It’s impossible to figure it out, though I can sense excitement. “You brought me to watch my favorite whales?”
“Of course I did, Ken,” I reply softly. “I just want to make you happy.”
“Yeah, but…” Kenneth shakes his head. “I just said that in passing. I didn’t expect this—”
“And that’s what makes it even better.” I shrug. “Now let’s go, Kenneth, before they leave without us.”
Kenny scowls at me for saying his name like that, and I chuckle, but with a sense of urgency, he grabs his camera and exits the vehicle, coming around to wait for me.
I join him a moment later, closing the door, and he locks it.
His hand is shaking when I take it in mine, but he looks really excited.
In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this.
Eyes wide and innocent, a spring in his step as we reach the door, and he holds it open for me.
We check in, and I pull up the tickets on my phone.
From there, we get on the boat and wait for it to fill up.
We take the seat at the very back, already focusing on the water.
Kenneth has his camera slung around his neck, and he’s quickly snapping pictures of the ocean as the people around us take their seats.
Before anyone can sit next to me, he lifts his camera and takes a picture of me.
He lowers it and looks at the screen, grinning, then returns his beautiful blue eyes to the water.
I’ll be honest, I saw pictures of this place when I did my research, but they definitely don’t do it justice.
The island is breathtaking, and we’ve barely even seen any of it.
I can’t wait to see Ken’s face as he takes it all in, and suddenly I wish I were as talented as he is at taking pictures.
Guess I’ll have to stick to taking them on my phone and adding them to his album in my photo gallery.
I have over four hundred pictures in total now, which I guess I’m lucky for.
He loves being the center of my universe and never complains when I snap a new one.
I don’t complain either when he does the same.
In fact, he has plenty of portraits of me in his studio now.
Everyone is now seated, and after the guide explains some of the history of the town, we take off.
There are rocky formations and what look to be short cliffs beside us as we head deeper into the ocean, and Kenneth is snapping pictures so quickly the shutter won’t stop going off.
It makes me smile. There are seals perched on the rocks, and Kenneth’s mouth drops as he stares at me wide-eyed again.
I love this look on his face. He’s so excited he can’t contain it, and it makes me feel happy that I brought him here.
It’s probably the best idea I’ve had in a very long time.
No one will ever be able to top this date.
As we sail deeper into open waters, Kenneth lowers his camera and searches the horizon for, I’m assuming, whales.
I look out into the distance as well, appreciating the golden hue of the sky as the sun lingers a small way above the horizon.
Ken snaps a picture of the sunset, then lowers his camera.
I watch his golden hair as it turns an even lighter color, soft curls messy and beautiful like he ran his fingers through them.
His slightly upturned nose scrunches as he smiles, and his golden lashes cast shadows over his cheekbones. He’s absolutely breathtaking.
“It’s so beautiful,” Kenneth breathes, his lips parted as he stares out into the distance, but I’m not looking. I can’t see anything but him. He’s everything I didn’t know I needed. Everything I’ve ever wanted.
“Yes, you are,” I reply softly, and he turns his face to look at me. He chuckles and reaches for my face, cupping my cheek, and I lean into the touch. “Gorgeous. Breathtaking. A dream come true.”
“I was talking about the sunset,” he teases with a wide smile that makes the dimple on the apple of his cheek pop.
“I know.” I grin. “But I was talking about you.”
Kenneth leans in and kisses me chastely, lips lingering for a long moment before he pulls away and looks at me as if I hung all the stars in his sky.
It’s crazy to think about how far we’ve come.
How just a couple of months ago he was still scared of commitment, and then he said I love you and moved me into his apartment in the blink of an eye.
I consider myself the luckiest man in the world.
Why waste time? Life is way too short. When you know, you know.
And I’ve known all along. I knew it from the first glimpse of him. Before that, even.
The boat idles, and the guide explains we’re going to sit here for a while and wait for the whales, and to feel free to stand as needed, but to be careful that children don’t get too close to the edge.
Kenneth stands and stretches, and I go up with him.
I turn him around, back toward the horizon, and get behind him, fusing my front to his back and hugging his waist. I rest my chin on his shoulder and watch for whales, but I can’t help the way my stomach fills with butterflies at the way he relaxes in my arms. Just like I can’t stop the next words out of my mouth.
“I’m going to marry you one day, Kenny,” I whisper into his ear, and he gasps. “I’m going to make you the happiest man in the world. We’re going to have everything—now, tomorrow, always.”
“I love you so much,” Kenneth replies softly, then turns his face and kisses me hard. “You’re everything to me.”
“I love you more than anything,” I tell him, meaning it. “You’re it for me, you know that, right?”
Kenneth’s smile is brighter than the sun when he gazes into my eyes, and my stomach flutters.
But then there’s a collective gasp, and we both turn our heads toward the water.
A humpback whale is mid-air, flipping and landing on its back, making a giant splash that rocks the boat.
Kenneth grabs his camera just in time to capture another one, and I tighten my arms around him, watching as his eyes tear up, and he continues taking more pictures.
It’s perfect.
This moment.
This place.
Him.
Us.