Before I Loved You

31. SARAH

I’m safe.

Paul’s safe.

I’m safe.

Paul’s safe.

The words keep repeating in my head like a broken record as I clutch the blankets tightly to my chest, waiting for the door to burst open, revealing Paul in one piece.

I keep checking my phone for updates from Natalie, but the last one was from two hours ago, just letting me know that Vanessa is doing okay and that they’re just running some tests, which is a relief. But I won’t be able to sleep until Paul returns.

I know how protective he is of people he cares about, and when he saw Vanessa at the bottom of the stairs, I witnessed unrelenting anger simmer in his dark eyes.

A turn-on? Absolutely.

But I’m worried something has happened to him, and I can’t bear the dread building inside me.

I thought I could do this alone, but I can’t. I need him.

Because…I love him.

“I love him,” I whisper, a weight lifting off my chest at the release of these words. A smile spreads on my face.

It feels…overwhelming. Maybe even a little strange to say.

But it also feels so damn good.

And not knowing where the hell he is or what is going on is bringing that weight right back down on my chest, making it impossible to breathe.

I sit up, leaning against the headboard, biting my black-painted thumbnail before placing my hand against my chest, focusing on each breath I take.

Everything is going to be okay.

Nothing is going to happen to Paul.

I’m sure he just—

The bedroom door swings open, bouncing off the wall, and my eyes widen as I see Paul standing before it, his eyes traveling over me, ensuring I’m safe.

“Sarah,” he breathes, his shoulders relaxing at the sight of me. His eyes set on me as he paces urgently toward the bed.

“What happened? Is everyone—”

My words get cut off as Paul swoops me up in his arms, holding me securely against his chest. I wrap my legs around his waist, grabbing onto him with all my strength. His hand cups the back of my head as I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent. His heart races under the palm of my hand before I slide it around the back of his neck.

“I was so worried about you,” he says, his fingers trembling against my neck. “If anything ever happened to you, Sarah…”

“I’m right here.” I dig my fingers into his shirt, anchoring myself to him. “I’m right here. With you.”

He kisses my forehead and then brushes his lips over my cheek. I pull away to look at him, letting our eyes lock.

His eyes pinch shut as his face scrunches with dread. “I can’t lose you, Sarah.” His voice is barely above a whisper.

“You won’t.” I press my cheek onto his shoulder, my hand massaging the back of his tense neck. “What’s going on inside your head? Talk to me.”

He lets out a deep breath and then sits on the bed, still holding me against his body, still needing to feel that I’m here with him and I’m okay.

“When I saw Vanessa in the hospital tonight, all I could think about was you.” He flexes his jaw. “What if something like that happened to you? I would lose my mind, Sarah. I would murder the man who did that to you.” His hand slides between us, gently pressing against my stomach. “If anything happened to our baby…”

I feel his heartbeat roar under his chest, his breaths coming out shaky.

He’s panicking.

“Hey.” I cup his cheek, watching as he closes his eyes, relaxing into my touch. “I’m good, and so is our baby. Everything is okay.” I slide my hand down to the center of his chest. “Breathe for me, Paul.” With my other hand, I wrap my fingers around his wrist and place the palm of his hand on the center of my chest. His eyes open, so many emotions flying through them. “Breathe,” I encourage.

I feel his chest slowly rise as he inhales, holds it, and then releases it in a long breath.

“Good. One more time,” I request.

He does, the whole time keeping his eyes on mine.

My lips press against his cheek and then the other one. I take my time, gliding them across his lips, and finish by placing one last kiss on the tip of his nose.

He clears his throat. “I wanted to turn around and come back to you. It took everything in me not to because I needed to help Jason find the guy.”

“Did you find him?”

He nods. “Jason took care of him. It was some guy that Vanessa had issues with before. But he won’t be coming near her ever again. Especially after what I saw Jason do to him.” He pushes a loose piece of hair behind my ear. “After I dropped him and Nate back off at the hospital, I came straight here because I needed to tell you something.”

I freeze in his hold, anticipation building as my heart thunders beneath my rib cage. “Wh-what did you need to tell me?”

His eyes pierce mine, stealing all the air from my lungs. “I love you, Sarah. So goddamn much. So much that, to be honest, it feels…”

“Overwhelming?”

His lips curve up. “How’d you know?”

“Because I feel the same way.”

Taking his face between my palms, closing my eyes, I brush the tip of my nose against his and take a steadying breath.

“I love you, Paul,” I confess with confidence, dropping my hands to his chest. Opening my eyes, I see his lips split into a wide grin. Tears of joy pool in my eyes as I bite my trembling lower lip. “I just…I just want to make sure you’re sure and that you’re not just saying those three words because we’re having a baby together. Because if that’s the case, Paul, please don’t feel obligated to love me.”

It’s been my biggest fear: Paul only wants to be with me because we’re having a baby, and he wants to do the right thing out of obligation. It’s not because he actually loves me. But can he blame me for thinking that when everyone in my life has either left me or pushed me away to be the next person’s problem?

Never good enough for anyone to stay.

Only good enough to make them leave.

He lets out a low chuckle, shaking his head. “I can read you like my favorite book, Sarah. You think I only love you because we’re having a baby together, but you’re wrong. You think we made our baby before I loved you, but the thing is, baby girl, I’ve loved you ever since my eyes landed on you in that bar and got lost in those big, beautiful green eyes. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you, and I will love you for the rest of my life. Making a baby that night was just the cherry on top.”

Fresh tears cascade down my cheeks as I take in his confession. “You really love me?”

He grins. “With every beat of my heart and every breath that I take.”

Emotions I’ve never experienced swirl through me like a tidal wave, washing away every trace of loneliness my heart has ever felt. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but please promise me one thing,” I request. He arches a brow as he brushes away the tears on my face with the pad of his thumb. “Promise me you’ll never let me go.” I place the palms of my hands on his cheeks, my voice trembling with the weight of my words. “No matter what happens, I need to know…” I let out a shaky breath. “I need to know that if I give you my heart…that if I give you…myself…you won’t let me go. Because you’re the one person in this world, I can’t live without.”

He shakes his head adamantly. “I will never let you go.” His lips meet mine in a tender kiss. “I promise, Sarah. I will love you every day, holding on to you with all that I have. You’re not alone anymore. And you never will be again… We have each other now. You, me, and our beautiful baby.” He presses our foreheads together. “But I need you to promise me one thing in return.”

“Anything,” I breathlessly respond, my heart beating out of my chest.

“Promise me you’ll always let me take care of you.”

I suck in my bottom lip, looking down at the bed. “I’m just not used to it.”

“I know.” He strokes his knuckles across my cheek. “But I’m making a vow to you right now. I will always take care of you and our baby. No matter what you two need, I will provide for you and be the best man I can be in both of your lives. Always, baby girl.”

“Thank you,” I breathe, wiping each tear from my skin with trembling fingers.

He places his hands on my cheeks, his thumbs gently stroking my skin. “I love you.” He drops one hand, moving it between us, tenderly rubbing my stomach. “And you, little one. I love you, too.”

Wrapping my hands around his neck, I say, “I promise I will always let you take care of me and our baby.”

A satisfied smile appears on his face. “Then it looks like we have a deal.” His lips land on mine, kissing me with all the love we’ve kept inside ourselves these past five months.

All the love that will only be growing stronger and harder between us with every passing day.

Gently, he lays me down, his body covering mine as he rests on his elbows, holding himself above me.

His fingers comb through my hair, his palm resting against the side of my head. “I love you so goddamn much.”

I bite my bottom lip, bringing my hips up to meet his. “Then show me.”

He grins, brushing his lips against the shell of my ear. “I’m going to worship every goddamn inch of your body, and only after I’m done will I let you come.”

His words ignite my whole body on fire as he reaches down and lets his palm slide up the inside of my thigh, grazing my sensitive skin. “Promises. Promises,” I whisper. His fingers reach the apex of my thighs, expecting a barrier of cotton between us, but he appears pleasantly surprised at my lack of underwear tonight.

A low groan escapes him as he slides his finger back and forth through my center. “Always so wet for me.” He twirls his finger above my entrance, teasing me.

I inhale a shaky breath, ripping my shirt off my body. “Please, Paul.”

He trails kisses down my neck, his warm breath caressing my skin. “I love it when you ask nicely.” Two fingers shove inside me, filling me as I arch off the bed, my breasts offering themselves to him. His lips surround a hardened nipple, sucking and nipping as his fingers reach deeper, hitting that special spot.

The one that only he can find.

“More,” I beg.

His lips produce a smacking sound as he pulls away from my nipple, watching me with hungry eyes. I grip at his shirt, tugging it over his head, needing to see every inch of him.

Needing to feel his skin on mine.

The palm of his hand presses down, grinding against the most sensitive part of my body as I close my eyes, crying out in pleasure.

“Who does this pussy belong to?” His voice is lethal. Dominant. Sending me so close to the edge.

“Y-you!” I scream as he quickens the pace of his fingers working inside me with just the right touch my body needs.

I’m so close. So unbelievably close. But this isn’t how I want to come.

My eyes flutter open to find Paul watching me with lustful eyes. The large bulge in his pants rubs up against my thigh, searching for release, and I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t take one more goddamn second of him not being inside me.

My fingers impatiently unbutton his pants and carefully pull down the zipper. “Please, God, fuck me, Paul. I’m begging you.”

The smile that spreads across his face is beautifully sinful.

His lips ghost over the shell of my ear. “You own my cock, baby girl, and I’ll give you whatever you want, which means I’m going to fuck you fast and rough, just the way you like it until you’re screaming my name. But you need to do one thing for me.”

“Anything,” I pant, pushing his pants and boxers down his legs.

“Keep your eyes open. I need to see those beautiful green eyes when you come on my cock.”

A shudder runs through me as I nod, teetering on the edge of insanity with his fingers still pumping in and out of me. My fingers clutch the sheet beneath me as my thighs begin to shake.

Pulling his fingers out of me, Paul positions himself on top of me and swiftly thrusts his cock inside me, sending me over the beautiful edge of madness.

And I do as he says, keeping my eyes open until the very end.

* * *

“Sarah Fleur?”

Paul and I jump up from our seats in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

After visiting Vanessa so I could see for my own eyes that she was okay, we went out to breakfast to kill some time and then returned to the hospital for my appointment.

The big twenty-week appointment.

Deep breath, Sarah. Everything will be okay.

“Here,” I declare, walking toward the woman with the clipboard in one hand as she motions for us to follow her with her other.

Paul’s hand falls on my lower back as he walks beside me. “Are you nervous?” he asks in a hushed whisper.

I start to shake my head but stop. “Maybe a little,” I admit. “Not about the baby’s sex but about the baby’s health. As long as our baby is healthy, that’s all that matters to me.”

“I’m sure everything will be fine.” He smiles at me as the woman ushers us inside. She takes some quick blood samples, hands me a dressing gown, and tells us the doctor will arrive soon before she leaves us.

After changing, Paul lifts me onto the table with ease. “No matter what, Sarah, you’re not alone anymore. We’re in this together, okay?”

I nod, letting the corners of my lips lift. “Together,” I repeat.

Knock. Knock.The door opens, revealing Dr. Martin, who walks in, reading over the papers on her clipboard. “All right, Sarah, are you ready—” She stops speaking when her eyes widen at the sight of Paul. She looks between the two of us, her lips curving upward. I forgot she wasn’t here when Paul came with me for the last appointment. “I take it you’re the father.”

Paul extends his hand, smiling. “That’s me. Paul.”

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you.” She places her clipboard on the counter. “Are you two ready to find out the sex of your baby?” she asks with a bright smile.

I lie on my back, lifting the dressing gown to give her plenty of access to my stomach. “Let’s do this.”

Dr. Martin chuckles. “Someone’s eager.”

“I just want to make sure our baby is healthy. I read somewhere that the twenty-week ultrasound checks for the development of the baby’s bones, heart, brain, kidneys…” I flutter my hand around anxiously. “Well, you know what it does since you’re the doctor.” I bite back a nervous smile as Paul intertwines his fingers with mine. “And once we know the sex, we can start deciding on a name.”

Paul nods in agreement, looking lost in thought.

“It’s going to be a little cold,” Dr. Martin warns as she begins to lather some gel over my skin.

“Jesus, you weren’t kidding.” I squeeze Paul’s hand.

She places a handheld wand on my skin, moving it around until she finally says, “There you are.” She points to the screen beside her and looks between me and Paul. “That’s your baby.”

I stare at the screen, eyes widening in astonishment. There really is a baby inside me. This is happening.

I look over at Paul, finding his mouth hanging open, and I’m positive the same thoughts are running through his mind. His eyes meet mine when he quietly whispers, “Wow.”

“Wow,” I repeat with glossy eyes.

“It’s no bigger than a banana,” Paul observes, staring at the screen.

“That’s correct,” Dr. Martin confirms. She continues moving the wand and taking notes while she clicks on her screen, pinpointing certain spots on the baby. “I can confirm with certainty that you have a perfectly healthy baby growing inside you, Mom.”

Mom. My chest squeezes painfully tight at the word.

“Thank you,” I choke out.

Paul’s thumb traces over the lily tattoo on my wrist, his eyes welling up as he stands beside me, swallowing down his emotions.

“Now, let’s see if we can determine the sex.” Dr. Martin moves the wand around but quickly asks, “Are you two ready for me to say?”

We both look at her, nodding eagerly.

“It’s a girl,” she answers with a gentle smile.

Goose bumps spread over my body, a smile blooming across my face.

It’s a girl.

I quickly glance at Paul to make sure he’s happy with this piece of information, but of course, he is. Because when my eyes land on him, I find a breathtaking smile on his face, which tells me everything I need to know.

“We’re having a girl,” I murmur, peeking down at my stomach.

Dr. Martin clears her throat. “I’ll give you two a few minutes and be right back.” After she wipes the gel from my skin, she walks out, closing the door behind her.

Paul lifts my hand to his lips, kissing the back of it. “I was hoping for a girl.”

“Really?” I ask, surprised. “I would have thought you wanted a little NBA player like yourself,” I tease.

He shakes his head, laughing. “I was hoping for a girl because, if it’s okay with you, Sarah, I think I know what we should name her.”

“What?” I ask hesitantly.

“Lily,” he says matter-of-factly. “After your mom’s favorite flower.”

My throat tightens, my heart hammers, and my eyes water involuntarily. Of course, he would suggest this. There’s not one thing this man won’t do for me.

Including naming our baby after my mom’s favorite flower.

“I love it,” I whisper through tears.

“Me too.” His thumb rubs over the back of my hand.

Suddenly, I feel a jolt inside me. “Oh my God.” I place my hands on my stomach, tilting my head to the side for a better view.

“What?” Paul asks, alarmed. “Should I get the doctor?”

I shake my head. “No. I think the baby…” It happens again, causing the corners of my lips to tilt up. “The baby just kicked.”

“Really?” Paul asks, eyes widening.

I grab his wrist and place his palm over the exact spot I felt it before. He stands there for a minute, patiently waiting, when suddenly he jumps back. Laughter erupts from me.

“The baby just kicked…” he mutters to himself, stunned. “I felt our baby kick.” His hand runs over his face as he walks back to my side and, once again, places his hand on my stomach. The second he does, the baby kicks again.

A tear travels down Paul’s cheek as he shakes his head. “We’re having a baby girl.”

“We are,” I reply with a soft smile. “And she’s going to have her daddy wrapped around her little finger.”

He chuckles, wiping his eyes. “I can’t disagree with that.”

I sit up on the table, placing my hands on his chest. “I’m really glad I’m going through all of this with you,” I admit. “You’ve taken a huge weight off my shoulders by being by my side. And I don’t just mean here, right now, but I mean with everything.”

He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “There’s nowhere else I would be but by your side, baby girl. Absolutely nowhere else.”

* * *

Paul holds my hand firmly, still wearing the biggest smile since we left my doctor’s office. He really is so happy that our baby is a girl.

And so am I.

We walk down the hallway toward Jason’s apartment, where we know the group is meeting for Chinese food, and I start feeling nervous about what they’ll think. We haven’t even told them that Paul and I are together, and now we’re just going to spring on them that we’re also having a baby.

This should go over well…

“Don’t be nervous,” Paul coaxes.

“I’m not.”

“Your hand is trembling.” He turns to face me as we stand in front of the door. “They’re going to be so happy for us. You know they will be. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but we might as well tell them now because eventually, it might be kind of noticeable that you are pregnant…” He pulls on the collar of his shirt, appearing uncomfortable.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I cross my arms over my chest, trying to seem insulted when I’m just giving him a hard time.

“Nothing. Not a thing. I just meant…well, umm, shit. This is one of those times when I’m just going to shut my mouth now.” He tightens his lips together, putting his hands up in surrender.

I laugh. “I’m just teasing, Paul.” I look down at the oversized sweatshirt I’m wearing that originally belonged to Paul but now belongs to me. He doesn’t know that yet, though. “I know my sweatshirt isn’t going to hide my baby bump for much longer.”

“Your sweatshirt?” His brows pinch together.

“You just called me fat, so yes, my sweatshirt.” I raise my brows, widening my eyes, waiting for him to counter as I place a hand on my hip.

But he just keenly nods. “It’s all yours.”

“Good.” I grin, but the second I face the door, it falters. “Okay. Let’s get this over with.”

Paul knocks on the door and then opens it, poking his head inside. “Do I smell Chinese food?”

“Yeah, man. Come grab a plate,” I hear Jason say from inside.

“Is it okay if I grab two plates?” Paul walks in, and I step closely behind him, feeling the uptick of my heartbeat.

Surveying the room, I notice Nate, who observes the ceiling, looking anywhere but at Paul and me. I know it’s been torture for him to keep this secret, but it won’t be much longer now.

“Sarah!” Vanessa and Natalie say in unison. I spot Vanessa on the couch with Jason, sporting a small bandage on her head, but other than that, she looks well, and it makes me feel relieved after what happened to her. And the sight of Jason being so protective of her warms my heart. They’re in love, and I couldn’t be happier for them.

“Is it okay that I’m here?” I ask, looking between everyone. “I don’t want to interrupt if—”

“You’re always welcome here,” Vanessa adds reassuringly.

I follow Paul into the kitchen, where he starts plating food for us.

“Hey, Sarah?” Vanessa shouts. “I love your shoes. Where did you get them?”

“These?” I look down at my feet, examining my old pair of black Converse with paint splatters. “I’ve had them forever.”

“Oh my God, Vanessa,” Natalie gasps, her eyes widening as she looks between Jason and Vanessa. “I just realized that when you guys get married, we’ll be actual sisters!”

Jason chokes on his food, initiating Vanessa to pat his back a few times.

“Easy, Natalie. Don’t want to kill your brother before he graduates.” Nate places an arm around Natalie’s shoulder, laughing as he brings his drink to his lips.

“Keep laughing, my friend,” Jason mutters. “Especially because I heard Mom tell Dad that she can’t wait to see how cute Natalie and Nate’s babies will be.”

Nate spits out his drink, his face going pale.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Jason responds with mocking laughter.

“Well.” Paul moves into the living room and sits on the arm of the chair across from the group, holding our plates. I sit in the chair, feeling riddled with anxiety about where this conversation is about to go. But it’s now or never. “Speaking of babies…” He looks down at me as I nervously bite my thumbnail. I nod in approval for him to continue. “We’re having one!”

“Having what?” Natalie asks, scanning between the two of us.

“A…baby,” I say, taking a deep breath, looking uncertainly around the room at everyone who has gone into a state of stunned silence.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

“Looks like that answers my question,” Vanessa says casually, shrugging her shoulders.

“What was your question?” Paul asks.

A huge grin spreads over her face. “I was wondering if you two were fucking.”

The silence is taken over by laughter from all of us. I hide my cherry-tomato face behind my hands, my shoulders shaking from how hard I’m laughing.

“Holy shit, Vanessa.” Paul wipes a tear from his face, smiling.

Jason looks at Nate. “You knew, didn’t you?”

He lifts his shoulders. “He left some baby books lying around our place. I had my suspicions.”

Natalie stands first, followed by Vanessa, who both come over to hug and congratulate me.

“How far along are you?” Vanessa asks, her eyes sliding to my completely hidden stomach under Paul’s sweatshirt. I mean, my sweatshirt.

I glimpse up at Paul first before saying, “Five months.”

Everyone looks at each other, most likely doing math in their heads and probably now realizing the day we introduced ourselves to each other, we were already very familiar with one another.

“Wait, so that means…” Natalie begins to say.

“It’s a long story.” Paul wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a kiss, taking me by surprise in front of the group.

But I don’t even care.

Not one bit.

Because as my eyes close and my hands grip Paul’s shirt, I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt in my entire life.