5. The lady doth protest too much
FIVE
THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH
? Crush - Jennifer Paige
CLIO
I hobble through the library doors with one leg in a brace, slumping against the front desk where Callie is busy scanning a stack of books from the return cart.
“How’s your ankle?” she asks without looking up.
A frown forms on my face. I didn’t tell anyone about the accident. It only happened yesterday, and I haven’t had the chance to bring it up. “What do you know about it?”
She eyes me over the glasses perched on the tip of her nose, leaning into every librarian stereotype. “I work with Janet. I know everything.”
“It’s fine. A little swollen and definitely the wrong color, but I’ll be good as new in a week or two.”
Contrary to what I told Noah, I did, in fact, see a doctor when the size of my ankle doubled, and the lavender hue turned deep purple.
“Is Lexi here?”
She smirks. “Changing the subject? You wouldn’t be avoiding the elephant in the room, would you?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Babe, half the town heard about Noah carrying you into the shop like a damsel in distress. Did he ‘give you something for the pain?’” She chokes on the last word, trying to hold back a laugh.
“Ha ha. Very funny. He ruined my favorite pair of jeans.”
“Many women in this town would let that man ruin more than just their jeans. You know that, right?”
“They haven’t had the pleasure of sharing a hallway with him.”
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
I sigh, shaking my head. Ever since Callie found love, she’s wanted the same thing for everybody else. Her intentions are pure if a little misguided.
An unfamiliar voice reaches my ears, and I’m nothing if not nosy. “I can meet you at Branch Out tomorrow, if you’re free.”
I follow it only to find Lexi standing with a boy near the YA section.
“I’ll have to check with my mom, but it should be ok,” Lexi says, batting her lashes. “What time?”
He holds out his hand, palm up. “Here. Give me your phone so I can text you.”
With hearts in her eyes, she places the hot pink checkered phone in his hand. He types for a moment and hands it back to her.
“Shit,” I mutter.
Callie glances up from the computer. “What’s wrong?”
“Lexi’s here with a boy.”
She follows my line of sight to my worst nightmare playing out in the middle of the library. “Oh. Yeah. That’s Hayden. He’s harmless.”
Harmless, my ass.
“He’s looking at Lexi like…”
“Like what?”
“Like her dad used to look at me, and we both know how that turned out. My first crush is a walking, talking sixteen-year-old girl now.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Cici, but Lexi isn’t you.
She might look like you, and sure, sometimes she opens her mouth, and you come out, but sixteen-year-old Clio was reckless.
We had nothing to lose—not in that house.
” She reaches across the desk and gives my forearm a reassuring squeeze.
“Lexi has a good mom and a good head on her shoulders. Even if something did happen, she has choices, and a whole support system around her.”
Lexi materializes at my side. “Hey.”
“Hey, yourself. You didn’t tell me you were meeting a boy here?”
“Hayden? He’s the other lead. We were just running lines.”
“You got the role? Why didn’t you tell me?” I pull her in for a crushing hug, my heart full to bursting with pride. “My little girl. An actress.”
She pats my back twice. “You can let go now,” she says, her voice muffled.
“I’m so proud of you.” The words come out choked, but I know how important it is for a girl to hear them—how badly I wish I had when I was Lexi’s age.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Way to go, kiddo,” Callie says. “Remember me when you’re rich and famous, yeah?”
Lexi laughs. “It’s just a high school play. No big deal.”
I squeeze her hand. “It is a big deal. It’s your dream, Lex. This is just the first step to bigger things.”
“Soo…” Callie interrupts, amusement evident in her tone. “Have you practiced the kiss yet?”
I sense the color draining from my face as Lexi’s flushes bright red. “Aunt Kiki!”
“What? It’s just a kiss. Nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“The kiss?” I only manage to squeak out those two meager words.
Lexi tugs on her sleeves, fidgeting with the fabric. “We… uh… yeah. I mean. We haven’t, but… it’s a… thing.”
Janet comes out of the break room and slides in next to Callie. “I remember my first kiss. Starling Falls, 1969. Bobby Danvers. Too much tongue.” She grabs the handle of the returns cart and starts walking away. “His brother, Mikey, though, that boy knew what he was doin’.”
As Janet disappears down a row of shelves, the three of us exchange glances and burst into laughter. Janet shushes us from a distance.
I slide the bowl of mac and cheese to the other side of the counter and prop myself on my elbows across from Lexi as she digs in. “So. Hayden.”
Lexi groans around her fork. “Do we have to talk about this?”’
I give her an affectionate smile. “No. But I’m here if you need a sounding board.”
“Sure. I’ll tell you all about Hayden when you admit you have a fat crush on Noah.”
“I do not have a crush on Noah.”
“Oh, come on, Mom. The only person who hasn’t noticed is Noah.”
I grab an extra fork and steal a hot dog slice from her bowl. I don’t care what anyone says, mac and cheese with hot dogs is a delicacy. “I promise, if there’s ever anything to tell you, I will.”
“You’re allowed to date, you know? You deserve to be happy, too. You’ve spent your whole adult life being a mom. It’s ok to put yourself first for once.”
“Truth is, I don’t know how to do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was never anybody’s priority. Growing up, my parents…
well, they weren’t good people. Your grandpa died when I was little.
After that, your grandmother became someone I didn’t recognize anymore.
She got remarried to a terrible monster and”—I inhale a fortifying breath and blow it out again—“I’ll spare you the details.
When I left that place with you in my belly, I swore to myself that I would never bring anyone into your life who could cause you harm.
I kept that promise, and I don’t regret it. ”
She takes my hand, grounding me back to reality.
In many ways, Lexi and I grew up together.
I’ll always be her mom, but there are moments when I relish the closeness we share outside the mother-daughter relationship.
It’s a bond unlike any other—the one I wish I could’ve had with my mother had she not let her demons get the better of her.
“You can let it go now, Mom. I’m a big girl. You can’t keep protecting me at the cost of your own happiness.”
“When did my little Alexandra get to be so wise?”
She shrugs. “Birth.”
A laugh bubbles out of me. “Yeah. Aunt Penny used to say you were wise beyond your years, but you’ll always be my little girl. Even when you’re married with a family of your own.”
“She also said you should get it while you’re still young.”
“Lexi!”
“What? It was Aunt Penny, not me.”
Her expression sobers, and she sets down her fork. “What was it like? Your first time having…”
“Sex isn’t a bad word, Lex.”
“I know. It’s just awkward .”
“Well, you already know about protection and consent. What else do you want to know?”
“Was it romantic?”
“Honestly?” I laugh. “No. Not even a little bit. We were just two clumsy kids bumping heads and trying to figure out where to put our hands. It was… awkward.”
“Did you love him?”
It’s the first time she’s asked such a direct question about my relationship with her father, and it doesn’t sting the way I thought it would. “No. I thought I did, but I was young, and it’s easy to mistake infatuation for love.”
It’s nice to finally be able to look back on that time without falling apart. Healing is strange that way. Some wounds fester, and others become scar tissue.
“Real love didn’t come into my life until about nine months later in the form of a squishy blonde baby with a powerful set of lungs.”
She stares down into her bowl with a look of quiet contemplation on her face.
“Are you and Hayden…”
The answer rushes out of her. “No. He hasn’t asked me out or anything, but…”
“You like him.”
She nods, a soft smile on her face. “Yeah.”
“Take your time. When you’re ready, you’ll know.”
“Thanks, Mom.” She slides her half-finished meal across the counter. “Here. You can have the rest.”
Lexi heads down the hallway to her room, and I finish off what’s left of her dinner, replaying parts of our conversation in my head.
I’m not a perfect parent—I still get some things wrong—but I take pride in knowing I’ve become the mom I always wished I had.
It’s not easy playing the role of both parents, but letting a man into our lives is out of the question.
We do just fine on our own, thank you very much.