26. Anything But Simple
TWENTY-SIX
ANYTHING BUT SIMPLE
? Drag Path - Twenty One Pilots
CLIO
Sixteen years ago
“You’ll get rid of that brat, or I’ll make you regret ever coming back into this house,” Rodney snarls. “Whoring around behind our backs. Shameful little slut.”
The words should hurt, but I’m used to it by now. Rodney doesn’t know that it was my first time—that I’ve never been with another boy since Andrew, or that Andrew broke my heart and walked away like nothing happened afterward.
I survived sixteen years under this roof—six of those years under Rodney’s thumb—but I can’t stay here any longer. My mother’s sitting in her armchair watching the spectacle with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of vodka in the other, as is her custom.
I wouldn’t expect anything less than absolute detachment.
She used to care about us, but it’s been a long time since she’s shown us affection. We lost her the day my father was buried six feet underground. The once loving woman, replaced by an alcoholic gambler. Less than a year later, she brought Rodney home, and he never left.
“I’ll go, but I’m taking Callie with me.”
“Like hell you will,” Rodney replies in that slurred voice I’ve grown accustomed to.
It was my mistake, leaving the pregnancy test in the bathroom trash.
I didn’t cover it with enough toilet paper, and my mom found it and showed it to Rodney.
They forced me to go to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy.
We were given a pamphlet and a phone number to an abortion clinic when my mom asked for one.
Nobody asked me what I wanted.
My baby.
I want my baby.
I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mom—I’m only sixteen years old—but I’ve always wanted a family. Someone to love and who’ll love me back. I haven’t felt that kind of love from anyone aside from my sister in a very long time.
My sister.
How can I leave her? I’m all she has left.
I have to choose. I can’t stay here and keep my baby, but if I leave, Callie will be alone, and the abuse I’ve endured for both of us will fall on her shoulders. She’s only ten.
I could come back for her.
I’ll leave and make a home for us. When the time is right, I’ll come back.
But where will I go? I don’t have anybody. Mom’s family deserted us years ago, and Dad didn't have any family we know of. We have no one. It’s probably why Rodney finds it so easy to use us as punching bags—there’s no one around to care.
Lindsey.
My coworker at the diner. She can help me.
“Fine. I’ll go. Give me two weeks. I have to give notice at work.”
Rodney’s nostrils flare, and I take a slow step back.
“Please. Two weeks.”
“Two weeks and I want you or that baby gone. One way or another.”
The memory fades like an old black-and-white movie, flickering across my vision. There’s no reprieve this time as I’m ripped from one scene to the next with lightning-quick efficiency, stealing my breath.
Glass shatters against the kitchen wall as Rodney tosses Mom’s vodka bottle across the room. Rodney advances on me; white-hot rage is evident in the set of his jaw and the clenching of his fists. “Where the fuck is the money?”
“Someone stole my wallet on the subway.” It’s a lie. I need the money to move to North Carolina with Lindsey’s aunt. The plan is all set. I leave next Thursday, if I survive until then. My situation grows more precarious by the second.
His fist closes around my wrist, and he twists, causing a sharp pain to radiate up my arm. He pins me against the wall, his mouth barely an inch away from my face as his rancid breath fills my nostrils. “You will pay me what I’m owed, or I’ll bury you next to your good-for-nothing father.”
Fear floods my system, blocking out everything around me. “Please. I’ll get the money. Just let me go.”
“And where are you going to find that kind of cash, little girl? Stand on the street corner and whore yourself out?”
“I can ask my boss for an advance. Please.”
Rodney releases me, but I don’t get far. His hand clamps around my upper arm. “You have twenty-four hours to get the money. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
He shoves me away so forcefully I nearly fall to my knees, then he’s out the door, slamming it shut behind him. Mom is nowhere to be found, probably out drinking and gambling as usual.
It’s now or never.
I rush to the bedroom where Callie’s lying in wait. She knows not to come out when Rodney’s having one of his fits. I grab my backpack off the floor and shove clothing inside.
“Where are you going?” Callie asks from her spot atop my bed, her voice quavering.
My heart thunders as I tousle her hair. She flinches, and my stomach plummets. Rodney likes to pull her hair. How could I forget?
I push down the guilt and stuff more clothes into my backpack. “I have to find us a new home. I’ll come back for you, I promise.”
I can’t tell her why I’m leaving—she wouldn’t understand. I’m her sister. I promised I’d always protect her, but I’m choosing to save myself and my baby instead. How do I explain that to a ten-year-old? It’s an impossible choice. No matter what I do, I’m losing a piece of my heart tonight.
I swallow the well of emotion rising to the surface as I reach for my favorite teddy bear and our last family photo with my biological father. He was a good man—a kind man.
I miss him so much.
“You said we’d stay together forever.” Callie’s sobbing now, the words barely more than a quiet whimper.
I grab the roll of cash from my nightstand drawer and shove it into the bag. It’s all of the tips I’ve squirreled away from my job at the diner. Rodney takes most of my money for room and board.
“I know, but I have to go for a little while. You can be brave for me, can’t you, Copycat?”
She pinches her eyes shut and buries her face in one of my threadbare pillows, muffling her voice in the tear-soaked fabric. “I c-can’t.”
I kneel beside the bed and take her face in my hands, wiping away her tears. “You can. You’re the strongest girl I know. Stronger than even me.”
I swipe impatiently at the tear that rolls down my cheek. I don’t have time for sadness. I have to get out of here.
After zipping up my favorite hoodie, I sling my backpack onto my shoulder. “Stay here, ok? Don’t make a sound. If you hear anything, hide. Get in the closet and do not come out. Got it?”
“But…”
My hands tremble. “I promise I’ll come back for you. I’ll get us both out of here. You just have to trust me.”
“Please don’t go. I need you.”
“I’m sorry. I have to, or he’ll kill me.” I hadn’t meant to say it, but it’s too late to take it back. It’s the truth, cold and unyielding. If I don’t leave now, I won’t make it out alive.
I pull Callie into my arms and kiss the top of her head as my eyes sting with fresh tears. “Be brave, Copycat.”
After a long pause, I turn to leave. Callie reaches for me, her small hand closing around my sleeve. If I look back, I’ll never be able to leave her, so I don’t. I slide open our bedroom window and climb outside.
Callie’s quiet voice follows me down the fire escape, tearing through me like a dagger straight to my heart. “Cici. Come back.”
I pause on the sidewalk outside our home. “I’m sorry,” I whisper as the tears fall. “I’m so sorry.”
Present day
I wake with a gasp, struggling to pull in a full breath. It felt so real, like I was back in that apartment, a terrified sixteen-year-old girl again. My hands tremble as I throw back the covers, the back of my palm connecting with something solid.
Noah.
I take a moment to study his face. He looks so peaceful in sleep, like all of his worries have melted away. The creases in his brow have softened, his scowl erased. I wish I could say the same. Sometimes I dread sleep, knowing what awaits me when I give in.
I tiptoe to the door, stopping to slip on my fluffy robe and a pair of slippers before padding into the hallway, careful not to make too much noise.
Noah doesn’t seem to be roused by much considering I practically punched him in the chest, so I’m less worried about him waking, but Lexi’s already grumpy, and I don’t want to make it worse by interfering with her sleep.
I make it to the front door undetected, looking both ways in the hallway like I’m about to cross a busy intersection.
I could go downstairs and sit on the stoop again, or I could take a page out of Noah’s book and head for the fire escape.
My feet move before my mind catches up, and I slip through the open window onto the steel platform two stories above the town.
A lone car’s engine splutters down a nearby street, followed by a long stretch of profound stillness broken only by the distant sound of a dog barking and the answering call of its owner beckoning it inside.
An icy chill prickles my nose, and I pull the robe tighter around me to fend off the cool bite of the late autumn breeze.
It was colder when I slipped through the window of my childhood home.
Winter had already set in, and the streets were covered in a layer of ice.
I walked for what felt like ages until I finally made it to the diner and collapsed in front of Lindsey.
She brought me home and introduced me to her parents.
They took me in, no questions asked. It was jarring to be around such a compassionate, functional family.
A few days later, I was on a train to North Carolina, where I met Aunt Penny.
“A princess in her tower.” The familiar voice carries through the open window at my back before the man it belongs to sits beside me, draping his elbows over his knees. “If I’d known you were gonna steal my hideaway, I might’ve thought twice about bringing you here.”
I nudge him with my shoulder. “Even the kids in my preschool class know how to share.”
“I’ll let it slide this time.” Noah’s tongue peeks out to wet his lips, and I force myself to look away before my thoughts run off with me again. “What are you doing out here?”
“Nightmare.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
I pull at a stray thread on my sleeve. “I can’t run to you every time my past rears its ugly head. You won’t be around forever.”
He looks like he wants to say something but stops himself.
The stars burn bright overhead like tiny rhinestone jewels as I cast my gaze to the sky. “It’s pretty out here,” I whisper more to myself than anything.
“Pretty doesn’t even begin to describe this view.” But he’s not looking at the stars—he’s looking at me.
My chest constricts beneath the weight of his stare, but I can’t let this dangerous feeling take root.
“What are we doing?” I ask on a sigh.
“Sitting on a fire escape. Freezing our asses off.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
His thumb digs into the opposite palm, massaging a pressure point. There’s a long silence before he finally speaks. “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know, and it terrifies me.”
“Then maybe… maybe we should end this.”
“No.” The word rushes out of him, and he shakes his head. “No. I don’t want that.”
“So, what do you want?”
He breathes out a ragged exhalation. “I can’t. I know what you want to hear and I just… can’t.”
“It’s simple. Do you want to be with me?”
He stands abruptly, roughly running his fingers through his hair.
“Simple? My life was simple before I knew you existed. Before you came in here with your sunshine and optimism. Before you made me crave you.” His tone is gruff and accusatory as he paces the length of the platform and back.
“And now… now I can’t breathe if your smile isn’t the first thing I see in the morning.
So no, this thing between us—it’s anything but simple. ”
Each word is spoken like a dagger plunging straight into his heart as anguish seeps from the gaping wounds. He doesn’t want to want me, that much is clear. Despite what his heart must be telling him, he’s determined to push me away.
Maybe I should let him. We’d both be better for it, in the end.
I stand, squaring my shoulders, intent on removing myself from the equation.
He turns to face me, chest heaving with each breath, jaw clenched and cheeks hollow.
Our eyes lock and hold. There’s a defiant glint in blue irises. Minutes pass. Maybe seconds. Time is irrelevant as the space between us crackles to life.
His gaze dips to my lips for a fraction of a second and suddenly…
“Fuck it.” His strong hands cradle my jaw, fingers tangling in my hair as his mouth crashes down on mine, determined and unforgiving.
My heart aches as his tongue delves into my mouth, blending passion and pain. His lips are soft, in direct opposition to the weight of the moment and whatever is passing between us.
His forehead presses to mine as we catch our breath. “I can’t let you go, but I can’t give you what you need.”
“I just need you.” I choke on the words as my emotions get the better of me.
“Not the version you pretend to be. This one.” I press my palm over his thundering heart.
“The one who holds me in my sleep and takes care of me when I’m sick.
I don’t need a title or promises. I just need this, with you, right now. ”
Time will prove me a liar, but if lying is the only way to keep him from walking away, I’ll gladly play my part.
“Promise me one thing. When the earth starts to move beneath your feet, and you feel like you might be falling, run. Run fast and far because I won’t follow you, but I can’t watch you break.”
I close my eyes and will away the tears because it’s too late. The ground has already shifted, and I can’t stop it from swallowing me whole.
I can’t speak, so I nod.
His expression gentles, and he kisses me, slow and unhurried. A chill travels up my spine, and Noah smiles against my lips. “Come on. Let’s get you back to bed.”