33. The Blueprint
THIRTY-THREE
THE BLUEPRINT
? She Used To Be Mine - Sara Bareilles
CLIO
“There’s no return policy on girlfriends,” I tell Noah as he lays the heating pad across my lower belly. “You can’t send me back and get a new one with a fully functional uterus that doesn’t regularly put her out of commission. You’re stuck with me.”
He presses a chaste kiss to my forehead and sits at the end of the couch, resting my feet on his lap. “I guess I’ll just have to keep you.”
“Did you get the stuff for Lexi? She should be home any minute, and I want to be prepared. You know how she gets.”
“Bathroom and fridge are fully stocked for the monthly Marsden meltdown.”
“Excuse the fuck out of me. You named it?”
“Thought about making a feminine rage playlist.”
I glare at him. “I liked you better when you were being an asshole.”
“There’s no return policy on boyfriends, either,” he says.
The front door creaks open and Lexi strides into the apartment just like any other day. She deposits her backpack on the floor and sits in the chair.
“Hey, kid.” Noah digs his thumbs into the arches of my feet. “There’s brownie batter ice cream in the freezer, and I restocked the bathroom for you.”
“Why?”
“Shark week?”
“Oh. It’s not time for that yet.” She doesn’t look up from her phone, probably texting Hayden again. They’ve been almost inseparable since Christmas.
I stare blankly at the ceiling, doing mental calculations. It wouldn’t be the first time my cycle was out of whack, but we’ve been synced up for months. “Have you been tracking your cycle as I showed you?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“What does your app say?”
From my vantage point, I have a perfect view of her phone screen as she opens her period tracker. She swipes back to March, then forward again to April. Her face pales.
She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
“Lex?” Noah says. “You ok?”
I struggle to breathe as my eyes sting. “Lexi. Sweetie. Talk to me.”
“Mommy.”
One word is all it takes.
I won’t cry. I can’t cry. One of us has to be strong.
I blink and blink until the threat is gone, then I pull my feet back and shift upright.
“Noah. Go down to the market and get a pregnancy test, please.” The words hang between us, but they don’t settle, stirring up a million questions I don’t yet have the answers to. “Please.”
Noah stops beside Lexi’s chair, giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Something unspoken passes between us as we lock eyes above her. “I’ll be right back. I promise.”
The door closes behind him, and I shift to the edge of the cushion, taking Lexi’s trembling hand in mine. “Lexi, look at me.”
Her bloodshot eyes spear straight through my heart, and I’m not just seeing my daughter anymore—I’m staring into the eyes of a sixteen-year-old Clio, terrified and alone.
But Lexi isn’t alone. She has me, and I can be the mom I wish I had at her age.
No matter what happens from this moment on, it won’t be the same for Lexi as it was for me.
I will be her Aunt Penny, not her Tonya Anderson.
“I’m sorry,” she chokes out.
My body moves before I’m conscious of it. I wrap her in a tight hug, and she sobs against my shoulder.
I somehow find the strength to hold back my tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.”
“I should’ve told you when we”—she heaves out an uneven breath—“we didn’t plan it. I just… I love him.”
My first instinct is to push back against this notion of love, but I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl with her first crush. It’s so easily mistaken for love at that age, especially when you grow up absent a loving father.
Daddy issues are a hell of a drug.
Or maybe I’m just cynical, and they really do love each other. I’m not exactly an expert on the subject.
I loosen my grip so I can get my bearings, taking her hands in mine. “When did it happen?”
She stares at where we’re connected, and a tear lands against the back of my hand. “The first time was after Christmas. Then a couple more times after that.”
I run my thumb back and forth in a soothing motion as I run through a list of possibilities. There’s a chance she’s not pregnant. Cycles can be unpredictable.
If I ever had any doubt, one thing is abundantly clear to me now. I am not my mother. I didn’t inherit her coldness or her callous disregard for everyone around her. For a long time, I thought I was the problem— that I made it hard for her to love me because I made a mistake.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. Loving Lexi is the easiest thing I’ve done. It’s instinctual. Not a single part of me wants to punish her for her actions. I only wish I could make it hurt less, whatever the outcome.
Noah comes back carrying a grocery bag. “Emma has Auggie. They’re gonna hang out at my place for a little while, but she can’t stay long.”
I look up at him through eyes that, by some miracle, still haven’t cried. “It’s ok. You can go.”
He lowers himself to the floor and palms my cheek.
“No. I’m not leaving. We have an hour before I have to go get him.
They’re having Auntie/Auggie bonding time over pizza.
They’ll be fine for a little while.” He sets the paper bag on the coffee table.
“I wasn’t sure which kind to get, so I got one of each. ”
A tear finally escapes, but I swipe it away. “Noah. I—”
“I know, baby. I’m here. Take care of your girl, and when you’re ready, I’ll take care of mine.”
I steal a kiss, lingering for a moment because I need the contact. He has no idea what it means that he’s here. A lesser man would’ve run for the hills by now, but not Noah. Noah bought every pregnancy test in the store because he didn’t know which one to buy.
Even before that, he stocked my freezer with my daughter’s favorite ice cream just in case she wanted it. I know deep down he thinks he’s incapable of love, but it’s seeping out of him without any effort. That kind of care doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s built in.
Lexi grabs the bag of tests off the table, and I follow her to the bathroom.
“I think I can pee by myself.” There’s the slightest hint of my vibrant girl, but it’s gone in a blink
“I’ll be right outside.”
I press my back to the wall and slump to the hardwood with my head in my hands, lingering in a purgatory where time seems to disappear. I’m trapped somewhere between the before and the after, not knowing what comes next.
Minutes pass, and quiet sobs drift through the bathroom door. I stand and press my forehead against it. “Lexi. I’m here, sweetheart.”
I don’t wait for an answer, wrapping my hand around the doorknob and pushing it open. She’s sitting on the floor in the exact position I was in only seconds ago, only she has a pregnancy test clutched in her fist and two more lined up on the countertop with positive results visible on each one.
“What do I do?” she asks on a quiet sob.
“The only thing you can do, baby girl. You make a choice.”
“What about Hayden? Shouldn’t I ask him what he wants?”
“Sure. But not before you’ve made the choice for yourself. Do you want this baby? Do you want to be a mom?”
She doesn't say anything for a long while.
“You don’t have to decide right now. Maybe the first step is to get off the bathroom floor.”
She lets out a watery laugh and takes my outstretched hand. We walk back to the living room where Noah’s sitting on the couch with his elbows draped over his knees. He looks ready to fight the world if need be, and I love him for it.
I love him for it.
I… love him.
Shit. Now is not the time to have this revelation, Clio.
He meets my gaze, and before he says anything, I nod. He mouths the words, “we’ll be ok,” and my heart latches onto that simple statement like a lifeline. He said we, and in that moment I know one thing for certain.
I love him.
And if loving him means losing him in the end, I’ll take that risk every time because it’s worth it. He is worth it.
NOAH
Being brave in the face of adversity has been my default setting since my parents died.
I was the strong, reliable brother. While everyone around me was falling apart, I held it together.
Knowing how much Lexi and Clio need me now, I’ll gladly take on that role again.
I can be their strength while the walls start crumbling around them.
Lexi slumps onto the opposite end of the couch, and Clio takes the middle.
I rest my hand on Clio’s thigh to draw her attention. “Are either of you hungry? I could make us something to eat?”
Clio shakes her head. “Lex? Are you hungry?”
She sniffles. “Can I get that ice cream now?”
I reach behind Clio and run my hand down Lexi’s hair. “You can have anything you want, kid.”
I grab the pint of her favorite ice cream from the freezer and jab a spoon into the top, wrapping a dish towel around the bottom so it’s not cold on her hands. I return to the living room and hand it to her.
“Thanks, Noah.”
Taking a seat on the coffee table in front of Clio, I cup her jaw. “What do you need?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
She places her hands over mine and closes her eyes. Neither of us says anything for a long while. It’s Lexi who breaks through the silence.
“I think I want to keep it.”
I should probably leave. This feels like a conversation between mother and daughter. “I have to pick up Auggie. Are you good?”
“We’ll be fine.”
I lean in to kiss her, then force myself to stand and walk out the door. Each step that brings me farther away from Clio feels like fucking torture. Will it always be like this? Will I always have this intense longing to be near her at all times?