35. Drowning On Dry Land
THIRTY-FIVE
DROWNING ON DRY LAND
? All This And Heaven Too - Florence + The Machine
NOAH
“Noah?” Lexi’s strangled voice comes across the line, and I bolt upright.
“Lex? What’s wrong?”
“Can you come get me?” Each word is punctuated by a sob. I can almost feel her frantic energy through the phone.
“Where are you?”
“S-school. Please hurry.”
I grab my keys off the hook and rush out the door as fast as my feet can carry me. “I’m on my way, kid. Breathe for me. Stay on the line.”
“Are you hurt?” I put the phone on speaker and set it on the dash.
“I don’t know.”
What does that mean?
I shift the truck into drive and gun it down the side streets, barely registering the stop signs along the way. My heart pounds out of my chest as I rush to get to her. Her heaving breaths fill the silence of the cab. The whole drive is a blur.
I arrive at the high school ten minutes later and throw the truck in park. “I’m here. Where are you?”
Hayden comes out of the double doors with Lexi held tightly in his arms, the front of her silk dress stained red. My hands fist and unfurl at my sides as every muscle in my body pulls taut. “What did you do to her?”
Lexi shakes her head weakly. “It’s not Hayden’s fault. I’m… I think I’m losing the baby.”
My stomach plummets. “Oh, Lexi. Did you call your mom?”
“No. I–I didn’t want to worry her.”
“We need to get you to the hospital.” I take her hand, pulling her away from Hayden. He hasn’t said a word the entire time we’ve been standing here.
She slides into the seat, and I gather her dress and shove it inside before closing the door.
Turning back to Hayden, who’s staring blankly at the ground with trembling hands, I squeeze his shoulder, snapping him out of the trance. “Are you coming or staying?”
He peers over my shoulder at Lexi, his face crumpling as he looks at her. “I’m coming.”
“Get in.”
Once everyone is safely buckled in, I dial Clio’s number and head straight for Oak Ridge Memorial.
The line clicks over, and I can hear other voices in the background as she answers. “Hello?”
The pit in my stomach grows bigger with each second that passes as we inch closer to our destination. “Princess. I need you to not panic, ok?”
Her voice pitches higher. “What’s going on?”
“I have Lexi. We’re on our way to the hospital. We’ll be there in about thirty minutes. Can someone drive you there?”
“What happened? Is she ok?”
“Mommy,” Lexi cries out. She looks so small and weak in the passenger seat.
It’s only now registering that she really is just a kid and her life will never be the same after this.
“Lexi, honey. What’s going on? Are you alright?”
“No. It’s the baby. Please hurry.”
“I’m on my way, sweetheart.”
Clio sniffles. “Noah…”
“I’ve got her, princess. I’ll see you soon.” I say with as much conviction as I can, needing her to believe me.
“Thank you,” Clio chokes out the words.
My knuckles turn white around the steering wheel. I have to get Lexi to the hospital, and then I can take care of Clio, too. I need to make sure both of my girls are ok.
I hear Callie’s voice on the other end of the line asking what’s wrong before the line goes dead. Lexi doubles over, clutching at her stomach. Hayden’s a ball of nervous energy in the backseat, his face buried in his palms.
I have to stay strong for them.
I reach across the console and squeeze Lexi’s hand. “It’s going to be ok.”
It’s probably bullshit, but I don’t have a clue what to say in this situation.
She chokes on a sob. “I’m getting blood all over your truck.
“I don’t give a single fuck about my truck, Lex.”
The rest of the drive passes in silence, hope dwindling with each mile that passes, like a slow-acting poison bringing us one step closer to a heartbreaking conclusion. Lexi’s dress is soaked in tears and blood, and she’s clutching my hand like a lifeline I’m woefully unqualified to give.
I pull up to the emergency wing and throw open my door, rounding to Lexi's side. Her eyes are closed now, uneven breaths escaping as the tears dry on her cheeks. Blood is pooling on the seat, and her skin is hot to the touch.
I toss Hayden my keys. “Park the truck and meet us inside. Lexi. I’m going to carry you.” I don’t know if she hears me, but I slip my arms under her knees and carry her in through the automatic doors.
Clio is sitting at the check-in desk, tear-stained and pale. She turns and rushes toward us at first sight. “Lexi. Oh god, Lexi.”
Lexi slowly opens her bloodshot eyes. “Mom.”
The nurse Clio had been talking to comes around the corner with a wheelchair, and I gently set Lexi inside. “I’ll come get you when they’re ready,” she says. “It shouldn’t be long now.”
“I already filled out the paperwork,” Clio explains, kneeling in front of Lexi. She cups her face and rests their foreheads together, tears streaming down their cheeks.
They don’t say anything for several long moments, and I stand there wishing I could do something, anything to take away their pain.
Hayden comes through the doors and stops dead in his tracks when he sees them. They both turn.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I don’t know what happened. We were just dancing and then—”
Strong as hell, Clio embraces him. “It’s not your fault.”
He falls apart in her arms, repeating the words ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again.
Her palm runs up and down his back. “Shh. It’s ok, Hayden.”
When he finally lets go, Lexi reaches for his hand. He lowers to her level and kisses her forehead, stroking her hair back. For two dumb kids who got themselves into a hell of a situation, they’re both so goddamn strong.
I pull Clio into my arms and cradle her head against my chest. She bands her arms around my waist, clutching my shirt.
“Thank you for taking care of my baby,” she whispers in a watery voice. “I should’ve been there.”
I cradle her face in my palms and stare into her green eyes. “I’ll always be there for her.”
The nurse returns a short while later. “I’m sorry. Only one of you can accompany her for now.”
Lexi looks up at Hayden through pleading eyes. He bows his head and nods. “It’s ok. I know you need your mom. I’ll wait here.”
Clio squeezes my hand one last time. “Take care of him, Noah. He’s her world. That makes him part of mine, too.”
As soon as they’re out of sight, Hayden’s back hits the wall, and he sinks onto the floor, burying his head in his hands and heaving out violent sobs. I've never been particularly good at comforting people. My dad was so emotionally stunted he drove himself to his own death after my mom died.
Even if there is comfort to be found, it won’t come from my empty words, so I crouch in front of him and squeeze his shoulder. “Whatever happens, Lexi’s going to make it out of this, and she’s going to need you.”
He lowers his hands and looks at me through bloodshot eyes. “What do I do? I can’t fix this for her. I can’t bring them back.”
We don’t know for sure that she miscarried, but based on the amount of blood alone, it’s a foregone conclusion. We’re just waiting for confirmation from a medical professional. I don’t know if it makes it better or worse that Hayden’s already assuming the worst.
“Do you love her?”
His chin wobbles, and he responds with a jerky nod.
“Good. She’s going to need all the love she can get. You need to be strong for her.”
I hold out my hand and wait for him to take it. When he does, I help him to his feet and do the only thing I can think of in this situation. I hug him.
CLIO
I tuck the blanket tighter around Lexi’s legs as she rests in her hospital bed.
The tears have dried, but she’s staring blankly at the ceiling, and the dissociation is even more concerning.
Her bloodied prom dress has been tucked away in a plastic bag, contrasting starkly with the hospital gown she was forced to change into, the memory of the day she tried it on now tarnished by its ruination.
We’re in what feels a lot like a glass box with a sliding door that nurses keep coming in and out of.
If they don’t get her some care soon, I’m going to get myself arrested.
Nothing I’ve been through in my life has prepared me for this moment.
All of the heartache and devastation is incomparable to this feeling of helplessness.
It’s like we’re suspended in a heartbreaking purgatory. I’m almost positive she’s miscarrying, but until we get confirmation, there’s still this niggling uncertainty—a glimmer of hope that dims as the seconds tick by.
I run my hand over her hair and press a kiss to her forehead. “What can I do?”
She just shakes her head.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“It’s ok,” she croaks out. “I think it needed to be Noah.”
She’s probably right. I’m not sure I could’ve held it together long enough to get her here.
I barely made it myself, and I had Jaxon behind the wheel.
Callie wanted to come, but someone had to stay with the twins.
It was probably for the best—he stayed calm and collected while I fell apart in the passenger seat.
I love my sister, but she would’ve been a mess.
A nurse in blue scrubs comes into the room holding a clipboard. She asks for Lexi’s name and date of birth and informs us we’ll be taken to another room for an ultrasound soon.
Lexi grips my hand. “Hayden should be here. Please.”
As much as it pains me to leave her, she’s right. This is—was—his baby, too. They should get to say goodbye together.
“Can I go get her boyfriend?” I ask.
The nurse nods.
I squeeze Lexi’s hand one last time and head back to the waiting room. When I get there, Noah and Hayden are sitting side by side in the same position with their forearms draped over their knees.
Hayden doesn’t immediately look up as I approach, so I place my hand on his shoulder. “Hayden. Lexi’s asking for you.”
His glassy eyes meet mine, a silent question lingering there.
“I’ll take you to her.”
Hayden follows me back down the hallway that feels like it goes on forever. “They’re going to take you to an ultrasound to confirm.”
He nods solemnly. I’m sure he already knows what’s going to happen, and I can’t bear to say it out loud. When we stop outside of the sliding door that leads to her room, I pull him in for another hug. “She’s not herself. Be patient with my baby.”
“I love her, Miss Marsden.”
I press my palm to his cheek. “I know, but thank you for telling me.”
My tears begin to fall in earnest as I make my way back to Noah. He’s not sitting in the chair anymore, though. He’s standing just beyond the swinging doors. Without saying a word, he sweeps me into his arms and holds me against his chest as my silent cries become all-out sobs.
Noah Weston is the only reason I’m standing right now. If not for him, I’d be on my knees screaming to whatever gods exist, begging and pleading to spare my daughter this pain. I’d take it all from her if I could.
My fists tangle in the back of Noah’s shirt as I silently plead with him instead.
Please don’t leave me.
I need you.
I love you.
As if he’s somehow heard my thoughts, he starts whispering reverent words against my temple. “Shhh. I’ve got you. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Noah.”
He cradles my face in his palms and presses our foreheads together. “I know, baby. I know. I’m so sorry. I’ve got you.”
I want so badly to believe him, but how can I when nothing in my life is permanent? I keep losing the people I love over and over again. They say grief comes in waves, and I suppose that’s true, but it feels like this one just might drown me.