41. Willing & Able
FORTY-ONE
WILLING & ABLE
? Willing & Able - Noah Kahan
NOAH
A shadow stretches ominously across the cliffside mere steps away from where I parked my bike hours ago. I don’t know how long I’ve been here—time is irrelevant without Clio by my side, across the hall… under my goddamn skin.
“Thought I might find you here.”
I hold my breath for the longest moment of my life as I wrestle with my conscience again. Part of me hopes he’ll disappear, the other half wishes I could go back in time and fix everything. We’re not ok, and we might never be ok again. I made my peace with that a long time ago.
Jonah takes a step forward, his face angled up at the night sky like it holds all the answers to this fucked up existence. Even with his back turned, I can see the strain in his muscles.
“I used to think we were strong enough to survive anything. When mom and dad died, I thought this is it. This is how we start over. But the demons chased me to hell and back.” He turns, running his hand through his long hair, his eyes sunken and haunted.
“Turns out I’m exactly who I never wanted to be. ”
I catch on the minuscule scar above his top lip, left there by an angry teenage version of me I barely remember. You wouldn’t know it was there unless you knew what to look for.
I no longer see the little boy who used to play army men with me, or the kid who made wishes on shooting stars that we’d make it out of this place someday.
Not even the brother who made a blood oath that we’d always have each other.
That person—my brother, younger by three whole minutes—only exists in my memories.
When I look at him now, all I see is Auggie—an innocent kid stuck in a cycle he never asked to be a part of, because my brother couldn’t keep one goddamn promise.
We were supposed to be better than them.
I can’t do this. I can’t look him in the eye and pretend everything is fine. Bygones can’t be bygones without one of us bending ‘til we break. It won’t be me. It can’t be me. One of us has to hang onto our sanity for Auggie’s sake.
It would be simpler if he’d stayed in prison. I’d still have Clio—a quiet life with a family I never wanted but can’t fucking live without.
Nothing’s ever been as easy as breathing for me when every breath takes all of my strength.
I swing my leg over the seat and adjust my position, revving the engine once.
“Sure. Walk away,” Jonah yells over the sound of my bike’s engine. “It’s what you’re good at.”
I turn the key in the ignition until the rumbling stops, leaving nothing but the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and my thundering pulse.
I throw my hands in the air. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to yell and scream at me. Fight with me. I don’t fucking care, just don’t walk away.”
I stride over, jabbing my finger into his chest. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that you’re a piece of shit? That you fucked up your kid’s life the same way our parents fucked up ours? Is that what you want to hear?”
“If it’s how you feel. I just want us to have an honest conversation for once.”
“When have I ever not been honest with you? And when has it ever made a difference? I tried to help you, Jonah.” I turn my back on him, staring out at the water.
“I did everything I could to keep a relationship with you. I paid for rehab, I offered you the apartment across the hall. I did it all, only for it to be spit back in my goddamn face.”
“You’re right. I owe you a lot. But you don’t know what it’s like to be stuck.
To want more than anything in the world to not have this hunger, this need that lives inside your veins that only festers the longer you ignore it, and it’s somehow worse when you give in.
You don’t understand, and I’m glad you don’t.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It killed Andrea, and it tried to take me, too. Sometimes… I wish it had.”
I turn around to face him again, conflicted by the innate need to be the big brother and comfort him and the anger simmering beneath the surface.
“You don’t get to play the martyr. Not after what you put us through. You could’ve fought harder. For Auggie.” My chest expands on a slow inhale. “For me.”
“You don’t think I know that? I hate the life I brought him into, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s here and he’s my entire world—what’s left of it, anyway.”
“We should’ve had this conversation years ago. Before Andrea died. Before you sent your kid to live in my shit-ass apartment. Before I let the best thing that’s ever happened to me walk out of my life because I couldn’t live with the thought of my past ruining everything.”
“Fuck you,” Jonah spits. “You did this to yourself. You don’t get to blame me for you being a coward.”
I want to fight back, but the truth is, he’s right. I am a coward. I let fear drive me to say horrible things to the woman I love so I could push her away, and now I’m blaming Jonah to appease my guilty conscience.
He stares at me for almost a full minute, something unreadable in his gaze. “Tell me about her.”
“Who?”
“Clio. Cici. Whatever you call the woman who made my brother fall in love.”
“What do you know about her?”
“A lot. Auggie’s obsessed with her. Emma might be a little in love, too.”
Part of me wants to keep her to myself. If I don’t deserve her, Jonah sure as hell doesn’t, but there’s a louder part that needs to tell him about her because if I don’t, it’s almost like she never existed.
We used to share everything. I don’t understand it, but keeping this part of my life a secret from him feels like I’m losing her all over again.
“Do you remember what Mom was like before…” I don’t have to say more. He knows.
He runs his hand down his face. “Like a ray of sunshine.”
“Exactly. She just had this way of quieting all the noise, you know? When I was with her, everything made sense.”
“I get it. That’s how it was with Andrea in the beginning.”
I recognize the grief in his eyes. I see the same thing staring back at me in the mirror every morning. The only difference is Clio is still breathing.
He continues. “We weren’t good for each other. She brought out the worst in me, and I think I did the same for her. Maybe I didn’t give her the drugs, but I didn’t stop her.”
“It’s not your fault. She made a choice that ended badly. You couldn’t have known.”
“I could’ve fought harder.” His throat bobs on a swallow, and he holds up a large, bronze coin and flicks it at me. “Three years sober. For whatever it’s worth.”
I catch it with one hand and hold it between my fingers the way Clio used to do with her pennies. “It’s worth a lot more than you think.”
I toss it back, and he tucks it into his pocket.
“So, we broke our promise and fell in love.” He clamps a hand on my shoulder. “Do you know what the difference is between you and me?” When I don’t answer, he continues. “The love of your life isn’t gone forever. You can fix this.”
I shake my head. “You weren’t there. You don’t know how badly I fucked up.”
“I can guess.” He gives me a wry smile. “Nothing is insurmountable if you truly love each other.”
“Did you get that shit off a greeting card?”
“Fuck you. My point still stands.”
I lean against the side of my bike, crossing one foot over the other. “What’s your plan?”
“Guess I’m gonna look for a place. Keep working the program.”
“And Auggie?”
“He’s better off with you. At least for now.” He slips his hands into his pockets and stares down at the waves crashing against the shore. “Thank you for being there when I couldn’t. Emma told me about the ASL lessons and everything.”
“I’d do anything for that kid.”
“Good. Go get his Cici back.”
I don’t give it a second thought. Why bother when the first one is all I’ve been thinking about for weeks?
I slip on my helmet and climb onto my bike.
The engine rumbles to life, and another echoes to my right.
I look over and see Jonah on the back of his Harley.
He nods, and I take off towards Oak Ridge with his figure fading in my rearview.