Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
T ia
For the past half hour, I’ve watched Jaxon next to me, amazed at how someone so rough could look so peaceful and innocent as he sleeps. I truly didn’t want to believe he was dead, but as I lay here all day, I was beginning to lose hope.
I should have known better. Jaxon isn’t a man anyone can get rid of that easily.
The bruises all over his face and body tell the story of what he went through after they pulled him from the car wreck in that field. I don’t know his uncle, but from all he’s told me and what I’ve heard from Ryker and Cason, Victor is a terrible man. That he’d hurt his nephew like this just makes that fact all the more vivid.
With my fingertip, I trace a deep purple mark across the middle of his stomach and wonder what he endured to get it. I hate to think of someone slamming their fists into his body. What could he have done to warrant such barbaric behavior?
“That tickles,” he says with a chuckle.
I look up at his face and see him smiling. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just can’t sleep anymore, but I didn’t want to leave your side. I didn’t want you to think I was all a dream.”
“You are a dream, but the kind that actually exists. Trust me. The rest of my life is a total nightmare, so you must be a dream.”
Sitting up beside him, I touch his hands covered in cuts and bruises. “You sleep like an angel, even though you look like you’ve gone twelve rounds with someone today.”
He groans as he tries to push himself up against the pillows. “A shithead named Dickie. I swear if I get the opportunity, I’m going to give him everything he gave me and more.”
I don’t know if I should ask any of the questions swirling around in my head about what’s going on, but I can’t stop myself. I’m in the middle of all of it now, so I want to know what’s going to happen.
“Jaxon, why did your uncle have someone do this to you?”
He tries to take a deep breath but stops halfway through and groans again. “Fucking ribs. God, they hurt.”
Sensing he wants to avoid this conversation, I drop the topic for the time being. We can talk about everything later. He might not want to, but I need to know what the future holds.
When I don’t say anything, lost in thought about the idea of a future with Jaxon, he says quietly, “My dear uncle Victor wanted to drive the point home that he has the power and I was just an unwelcome guest in his house.”
His vague answer confuses me, so I ask, “What do you mean? You’re his nephew. Why aren’t you welcome in his home?”
Jaxon smiles and rolls his eyes. “My family isn’t like yours. You come from nice people. I come from killers. And when killers want to get their point across, they either murder someone or give them a taste of pain. Since my uncle has some strange familial feelings about me, likely because of my father and nothing I’ve ever done since I betrayed him by coming to work for Ryker, he chose not to kill me. But he needed to get his point across, which meant Dickie and his fists of fury.”
He's trying to be tough, but I know he’s hurting. Not just physically either.
“I’m afraid, Jaxon. If he would do that to you, what would he do to me or my parents?” I ask as I stare at that terrible purple mark that seems to be getting darker as the seconds tick by.
When he answers my question, I hear fear in his voice too. “He’d kill you. It’s that simple.”
Hearing that sends terror coursing through me. When I look up at his face, I know he’s not lying. Anyone who could do that to his nephew’s face would have no problem hurting and killing someone he doesn’t even know.
“What are we going to do?”
Jaxon winces from pain and gently touches my cheek. “We kill him before he kills us.”
Horrified by the very thought of being responsible for someone’s death, I shake my head, knowing he’s right. “It’s that simple?”
“It is.”
We sit in silence for a long moment before he says, “I never wanted you to be touched by any of this, Tia. I swear I thought I could keep you safe. I was wrong. I thought we could be happy and not have to do the things I knew in the back of my mind would eventually become necessary.”
“You told me once that loyalty was one of the most important things in your family. Are you really going to be able to kill your uncle?” I ask, not understanding any of this.
He smiles, and I swear even with a bruised face and swollen eye, he looks like an angel when he answers, “I’ll do what I have to so the woman I love is safe and we can have a life together. If killing Victor is that thing I have to do, then so be it. He brought this upon himself.”
I know he’s trying to make me feel better, but the way he talks about ending another person’s life—his uncle’s life—upsets me. I don’t say anything, though, because he would probably think I’m being foolish. Someone tried to kill me and instead slit that poor woman’s throat. Then they tried to kill us when I got shot. And they didn’t give up, trying to run us off the road to try to kill us that way.
Maybe I am being silly. Why should I care about a person who wants me dead?
Jaxon touches my shoulder, tearing me out of my thoughts. “You got quiet there. Everything okay?”
I nod and try to smile, but it’s a half-hearted attempt. “Yeah. Just tired, I guess.”
Never a good liar, that’s probably my worst effort yet. I don’t want to talk about anyone else dying today. I’m just happy to be alive and have the man I adore here by my side again.
He slides his fingertip under my chin and gently turns my head so I have to face him. Still trying to hide how uncomfortable I am with him killing anyone, I push the corners of my mouth up toward my cheeks in what I hope is a believable smile.
“Talk to me, Tia. Tell me what’s on your mind. I know you didn’t get quiet because you’re tired.”
I push against his leg and roll my eyes. “I got shot, you know. It takes a lot out of you.”
“Yeah, I know,” he says in a low voice tinged with pain, like he can’t handle hearing me talk about that topic.
“It’s okay. The doctor Ryker had look at me said it went clear through, so it could have been much worse.”
Pushing himself up against the pillows, he meets my gaze as he tries to smile. “I hate that my world has touched you like that. I know what it’s like to be shot. I’ve had to dig bullets out of my body, and that’s nothing I would ever wish on my worst enemy.” He stops and chuckles. “Well, maybe on one or two of them. But the thought of you getting shot takes my breath away. It’s every nightmare I’ve had come true.”
“It’s okay, Jaxon. I mean, I don’t like getting shot, but I don’t blame you.”
He hangs his head and quietly says, “You should.”
I hate seeing him like this. Jaxon is many things, and maybe most people wouldn’t say a good man is one of them, but I see the goodness in him.
But I’ve always feared something like this happening because I know what’s going on in his mind. He thinks he’s to blame, but is he questioning if we should even be together because of all that’s happened?
We sit in silence for a long time, but I have to ask the question that fills my head. “Jaxon, do you regret ever being with me?”
He stares in horror at me for a few seconds as I anxiously await his answer. When he doesn’t respond, I say, “I just want the truth. Honesty can’t hurt us.”
“Do you really think I could ever regret meeting you? Yes, I’m not thrilled with how it happened, but you’ve been in my system from the moment we met. When you left that house that day, I felt like someone had taken a part of me, like there was an empty space in the middle of my chest that made it hard to breathe, hard to even exist.”
“But you broke up with me, and I know it was because you worried I might get hurt because of what you do for your family. If your uncle didn’t want my father or me dead, would you have come back?”
I’m afraid I already know the answer.
Hurt fills his dark eyes as he says, “I missed you every day you weren’t in my life. You have no idea how miserable I was without you, Tia.”
“But would you have come back to me if I wasn’t in danger?”
Jaxon hangs his head again, avoiding my gaze as he answers, “No. I would have stayed away so you were safe.”
Even though I know he means well saying that, the truth hurts more than I expected. I turn away, not wanting him to see me cry. It’s stupid, but I can’t handle what he said.
“I need some fresh air,” I say through gritted teeth as I struggle not to start bawling.
Jaxon tries to stop me, but I slip out of his hold and run out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I have no idea where I am in this enormous house. It’s not like I received the grand tour when I first arrived unconscious.
Stairs at the end of the hallway lead downstairs, so I hurry to them and rush down to the first floor. I just want to find a door to go outside and get that air I said I needed.
Kaia walks out of a room and sees me, and I sense she understands I need to get out right now. “Are you okay, Tia? Do you need anything?”
“I want to go outside. Can I do that?” I ask as I look around for any way to get out of this house.
“Sure.” She takes me by the hand and carefully leads me to a door near the kitchen. “Do you want me to come with you? You don’t look okay.”
“No. Yes. I’m not sure. I just need to get some fresh air,” I answer as I hurry toward that door that signals freedom, although I’m not sure what I want to be free from at the moment.
I barely get outside before the tears come fast and furious, and I can’t stop them. I’m not even sure what I’m crying about. Getting shot? Thinking Jaxon was dead? Seeing him looking like someone took a baseball bat to his face? Or is it something small like that terrible, purple and black bruise on his abdomen I can’t stop thinking about.
Maybe it’s all of that, but mostly, I think I’m crying because if his uncle had never decided my father and then I needed to be dead, Jaxon would still just be a memory in my life. I wouldn’t know there never was another woman. I wouldn’t know how much he missed me.
I’d just be the person who missed him and wondered why he didn’t love me enough to stay. But would that be any better than who I am now? Yes, I’d be safe, but would I be happier?
I walk around the estate until I find a bench near a garden where I can sit down. Part of me is so tired. That’s probably because I was shot and then in a car accident. But another part of me wants to run far away from here. I want to run until no one can find me.
Even Jaxon.
Guilt fills me at that thought. I love him. I accepted what he does for a living because I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
And then he left me, and for a year, I was miserable. I missed him more than I ever thought it was possible to miss anyone. Every night, I wished he’d come back to me and say he loved me like I loved him.
What is wrong with me now? I got all I wanted, yet all I can think of is disappearing from this world of his.
I see Kaia walking toward me and wonder if maybe she can explain what I’m feeling. She seems to understand things, and right now, I need someone to tell me what the hell is wrong with me and what I should do because I’m so confused.
“Can I sit down with you? I don’t want to intrude if you want to be alone,” she says in that sweet way that I love right now.
Nodding, I shift over to the other side of the black metal bench. “Sure. If you have a minute, I’d like to ask you something.”
She smiles like that makes her happy. “Absolutely!”
I try to gather my thoughts, but they’re all over the place and not making much sense. I just need to say what’s on my mind, and if it sounds crazy, I hope she’ll be as understanding as I think she is.
Finally, I turn my body so I’m facing her and say, “I think there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can live in this world, Kaia.”
She nods, and I think she knows exactly what I’m going through. Her gaze softens, and she touches my arm in that sympathetic way a mother does when one of her kids is upset or sad.
“Oh, honey, this world is hard on us. Don’t blame yourself. You’re thinking just what I’ve thought many times. I fell in love with Ryker, but I was in no way prepared for what it would be like to be married to him and completely immersed in this world he and his family live in.”
I’m stunned by her words. “Really? You two seem so good together. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like you fit in with him fine. When I think of Jaxon and me, I stick out like a sore thumb, like I’m something wrong in his world.”
“Why do you think that?”
Looking away, I finally say the thing I know is the problem. “He was talking about killing his uncle a few minutes ago, and it all sounded so casual and normal the way he was saying it.”
I turn back to face her and continue. “I can’t think of killing someone like that. I’m not sure I ever will be able to, and if I can’t, then how can he and I be together? This is who he is, and I don’t know if I can accept it now that I’ve seen it up close and personal.”
She nods and gives me a tiny smile. “Oh, that. Yeah, I’m still not comfortable with that part of Ryker’s world. He has to decide what he wants to do with his brother, and for what it’s worth, he hasn’t been able to bring himself to order the hit on Victor. I know it looks like these men don’t view life like we do, but I think they simply see a different side to the situation.”
“What side is that? Because all I’m seeing is someone dead.”
“Think of it this way. Why would Jaxon want Victor killed? It’s because of you. He knows those people who came after you two at the house and then rammed your car so you had that accident were sent by his uncle. To Jaxon, someone—and it doesn’t matter if it’s family or not—hurt you. For that, they have to pay.”
I cover my face with my hands and wish she didn’t say that. “I can’t be responsible for someone’s death, Kaia. It’s just not something I can do.”
“Oh, honey. It’s not your fault if Victor dies. Trust me. If you knew what he’s done throughout his life, you’d understand he’s lucky he’s made it this far.”
My heart clenches at the way she says that, and I look at her when I ask, “But wouldn’t someone be able to say that about Ryker or Jaxon? We wouldn’t agree with that because we love them, but would they be wrong?”
My question seems to surprise her, and for a few moments, she doesn’t say anything. Then, she takes my hand in hers and gives it a tiny squeeze like my mother always does when she knows I’m upset.
“Say that’s true. Okay, maybe they aren’t saints. Maybe they’re the worst kind of sinner. Don’t they deserve love like anyone else? I don’t have to approve of everything my husband thinks or says or does in this world. I just have to believe he’s a good man when it comes to me and our son.”
The way she says that with such sincerity and certainty impresses me. Has she thought the same kind of things I am now at some point in her relationship with Ryker?
“You don’t sound like you have any doubts. I envy you. That’s all I seem to be today.”
A slow smile lights up her face. Patting my hand, she says, “My first husband was seen as a good man by nearly everyone who knew him. Upstanding. Handsome. Knew all the right things to say to make people think they should admire him. He gave me to Ryker to settle a gambling debt he’d run up. There are people in this world who to this day would say I should have gone back to him and be happy. Those people are wrong, but don’t try to tell them that because they’re sure Ryker is a bad man. I know in my heart that he’s not the kind of man who would ever hand over his wife to anyone, especially someone who he believed might hurt or kill her. Society makes up these rules we think we’re supposed to follow, and we do because it seems right. But what if it’s wrong for someone?”
I’m stunned by her account of what her first husband did to her. What kind of person would do that to his wife? He sounds like a monster.
I’ve seen how Ryker treats Kaia in the short time I’ve been here. She’s his queen, and he adores her. Yet, the rest of the world would think she would be better off with someone who didn’t even care enough about her to put her above gambling debts?
Shaking my head, I try to find the words, but all I want to do is curse out that horrible first husband of hers. “That’s terrible, Kaia. He wasn’t a good person to do that to you. You deserved so much better than that.”
“And I got it in my second husband. Ryker loves me and Maxim. Most importantly, he protects us, and even though most people wouldn’t think that’s important in this day and age, I can tell you from firsthand experience it is.”
I think about what she’s saying and can’t deny being cherished and protected do mean something to me. I’d never thought about it that way because I was brought up in a middle class family where the most outrageous thing to happen was when someone in the neighborhood stole vegetables from my mother’s summer garden one year.
Life isn’t that simple anymore.
“You know, when Jaxon came to see me last week for the first time in a year, it was because he’d learned my father was in danger. I hadn’t realized it until I was listening to you describe what Ryker is to you, but Jaxon wanted to protect me and the people I love. I think I was taking that for granted, but he didn’t have to send my parents on a vacation to Italy to keep them away from Victor and his men.”
“No, he didn’t, but I can tell you that was the first thing he thought of when he heard Victor had put a target on your father’s back. He wanted to protect you and make sure no one in your family was hurt. It was all he talked about. He didn’t care about any of the details. He just jumped into action and knew he needed to see to it that you and your parents were safe. He may be a bad man in many ways to anyone who only looks at what he does for a living, but how terrible can he be if his first thought was protecting the woman he loves and the most important people in her life?”
I let out a heavy sigh as regret fills me. “I’ve been so stupid. How could I have not seen that?”
“Nobody is all good or all bad, Tia. My husband would be considered bad by many, but my first husband was considered quite a catch. Crazy, right? You have to decide what you can live with when it comes to the people you love. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can say this. Jaxon would never let anyone hurt you if he could stop them. Victor’s decided you and your father are marked for death. You did nothing to deserve that, and from what I understand, neither did your father. Jaxon wants nothing more than to protect you. You have to decide how good or bad that makes him.”
When she finishes talking, she stands to leave. “I’ll let you think about all of it. I know what you’re going through. This isn’t a life for everyone. You need to decide if you love him enough to accept what he is, good and bad.”
“Thank you for telling me about what happened to you. I didn’t know what to do with all these feelings I’m having, but after listening to you, I know now. Thank you.”
“I’ll see you inside. When you’re hungry, come down to the kitchen and I’ll make sure you get a good meal now that you’re up and around.”
Alone, I feel ashamed at how parochial I was in my thinking about Jaxon. I was childish believing people are all good or all bad. That’s just not how life is.
Now I just need to let Jaxon know I realize that.