Chapter 6
Chapter Six
August 2005
Nantucket Island
J osie spotted a shadow at the edge of the beach and panicked. Ducking out of the kitchen, she ran like a maniac and fell to her knees in front of the toddler, a toddler who ruled her life. Winnie cackled and threw her head back as though it had all been a game. Josie tried not to look too frightened. She tried to laugh.
“Winnie! Where do you think you’re going?”
Beside them, waves crashed, and seagulls cawed. The sea seemed especially violent. Why was Winnie by herself? Where was Donnie? He’d said he’d watch her this morning. He said he’d take care of her so Tara and Josie could get their work done.
“Aunt Josie!” Winnie cried, throwing her hands into the air. “Look!”
Josie twisted her head around so they could watch a seagull carrying a big lobster claw in its beak. Winnie giggled because the island’s animal kingdom was something she was accustomed to. She’d been born here, as had Josie and Tara. Maybe they were a part of the animal kingdom, too.
Josie scooped Winnie into her arms and hurried back inside. “Donnie?” she called from the kitchen. Her voice was edged with anger. “Donnie, are you still here?”
Josie sizzled with anger. But she put Winnie in front of the television with a pack of fruit snacks and tried to call Donnie on his cell. Donnie didn’t answer, not that first time nor the next three times she tried him. Unfortunately, Josie needed to leave soon. She’d agreed to meet Tara at the Nantucket Sunset Hotel, where they’d planned a wedding for a very wealthy couple together. Josie was especially looking forward to it, as she’d previously worked the front desk at the Nantucket Sunset Hotel, and she liked feeling that her career was moving in a prosperous direction. She liked wearing nice clothes and smiling at the new girl at the front desk and thinking, I’m living! I’m doing it! I’m further than I ever thought I would get!
Winnie was newly three years old and a handful. It wasn’t ideal to take her to the wedding. She’d get underfoot. She’d call out for her mother and cause problems. Josie loved her niece to bits, but toddlers were toddlers, and that was that. Where was Donnie? Nobody could ever rely on him. The fact that Tara still loved him and wanted to be married to him despite everything sometimes did Josie’s head in. They all lived together in that house on the beach, Tara and Donnie and Josie and Winnie, but Donnie was often not there. He was so often getting drunk or sailing with friends or playing music in some guy named Reggie’s basement and bemoaning the fact that his music career had never taken him somewhere special.
Sometimes Josie really regretted the fact that she’d called him and told him Tara was pregnant in December of 2001. It was hard to believe that was nearly four years ago.
She should have let Donnie go his own way!
Josie reached the hotel and carried Winnie into the foyer to find Tara up to her ears in wedding stress. Tara blinked with confusion at Winnie, then forced a smile.
“Mama!” Winnie cried.
“What are you doing here?” Tara said, hurrying forward to take her daughter into her arms. She gave Josie a What the heck? look.
“Daddy couldn’t watch her,” Josie said sweetly. She didn’t want Winnie to feel her anger.
“He couldn’t! How awful,” Tara said, her voice in singsong. “Well, what are we going to do about that, huh, Winnie?”
Winnie giggled.
“Maybe Teresa can watch her while Aunt Josie and Mama take care of this wedding, huh?” Tara suggested, hurrying down the hall to find a hotel employee.
After they secured Winnie with temporary childcare, Tara and Josie rushed through their wedding tasks. It was only the eighth or ninth wedding they’d put on, and Josie was still nervous and very much aware that this was the bride’s “big day.” Everything hinged on what Josie and Tara planned. They had to execute it flawlessly.
Maybe it wasn’t the best time for Josie to say, “You know, Donnie just disappeared this morning? And I found Winnie by the water by herself?”
Tara twisted away from a bouquet to glare at Josie.
“It isn’t the first time he’s bailed on her,” Josie continued, her words fumbling all over each other. “I tried to call him, and he didn’t answer his phone.”
“Maybe it was a misunderstanding,” Tara said.
“We talked to him last night, remember?” Josie reminded her. “He said he’d be home all day to take care of Winnie.”
“Maybe he got called into work? That sometimes happens. Did you check the fridge for a note?”
“There was no note, Tara.” Josie was exasperated. Why did Tara always make excuses for her deadbeat husband?
Tara groaned. “I can’t deal with this right now, Josie. The bride and groom are getting married in less than an hour.”
“I just wish your husband would treat you and your daughter—and me—with more respect,” Josie said.
“He changed his entire life for us,” Tara said. “Maybe he’s a little slow sometimes, but he loves us. He loves you, too, Josie.”
Josie rolled her eyes. She wanted to say, We hate each other . But she didn’t, because she knew that would make Tara sad.
But now, it was time for Tara to speed off to talk to the bride and Josie to head to the groom’s side to make sure everything was ticking along all right. A half-hour later, she led the groom and his groomsmen to their correct positions. It was she who fixed a groomsman’s tie. Three hundred people sat in the audience, twisting their programs and commenting on other people’s outfits. Josie guessed that the clothing in the audience cost millions of dollars. Her dress had been fifty on the clearance rack, and it still felt like the nicest thing she owned. But Tara promised her that being poor would soon be a thing of the past. Tara’s event planning business was off to the races, and Josie was very much a part of that. Josie didn’t want to be the star of the show. But she wanted to be Tara’s second-in-command. She wanted to lend support and be in the heart of the chaos.
The bride floated down the aisle on her father’s arm. Tears glimmered on her cheeks. But her father was the one who blubbered the loudest during the ceremony. Later, he would make a ten-minute speech about his daughter, about how much he loved her and was rooting for her life to be a happy one. It would be incredibly poignant, and almost everyone would cry.
During the vows, Josie hurried back to the reception area to check on the culinary team and make sure the name cards were in their correct places. While there, another hotel staff member sped past and said, “Winnie needs help!” Suddenly, Josie was back in the little playroom near the office, sitting on her hands and knees and trying to console Winnie. Winnie refused to be held. “I want to go out!” she cried.
Josie felt terrible that Winnie was cooped up here. Again, she tried to call Donnie, hoping he could just come pick Winnie up and take her home. This time, Donnie answered, but he slurred his words together, saying, “What? What are you talking about? I’m at work.” It was very clear he wasn’t at work.
“Your daughter is at the hotel,” Josie blared. “She needs you.”
“She needs the money I can earn for her,” Donnie said. “She needs her father to be the breadwinner. She needs her mother to stay home.”
Josie wanted to throw her phone. But before she could scream at Donnie, he hung up on her.
On the floor, Winnie put blocks together and laughed. Josie’s heart felt squeezed.
“Where is your daddy?” Josie asked in a singsong voice. “Where has he gone?”
“Where is Daddy!” Winnie echoed.
Josie knew she was needed back in the reception hall. Quickly, she pulled Winnie into her arms and searched around the hotel lobby and halls for someone else to watch her, someone she knew from her years of working at the hotel. But everyone was up to their ears in wedding stress. Tara was the worst to approach right now. From where Josie watched her in the lobby, it looked as though Tara was trying to put out a small metaphorical fire involving the bride’s mother and a few reception tables. Music spilled into the hotel from the cocktail party outside, where a string quintet played pop hits as though they were classical pieces. Josie swapped Winnie from one hip to another and nearly collapsed with panic.
Suddenly, she was hurrying down the hallway, past the double-wide doors, and into the clear summer day. Nobody would walk past on this side of the hotel, not the catering staff, Tara, or anyone from the hotel. It gave her time.
The number she dialed next was one she hadn’t used in nearly four years.
The phone rang three times before Josie got an answer.
“Hello?” The voice was formal and strange.
“Mom?” Josie gasped.
“Josie?” It was clear that her mother no longer had Josie’s number saved. Maybe she’d gotten a new phone. Or perhaps she’d deleted it. But it didn’t matter right now.
Suddenly, Josie’s face scrunched with fear, sorrow, and fatigue. Winnie had begun to whimper, and Josie set her down in the grass and watched her bob around. Tears drained from her eyes.
“Josie, why are you calling?” Her mother sounded more curious than anything.
Josie felt echoey with questions. Why had their parents abandoned them like that? Why hadn’t they left a note or sent a letter? Why had they pulled the rug out from under Tara like that?
Right now, they needed Winnie’s grandparents. They needed help.
Josie’s mind swirled with questions. Everything felt tremendously heavy, like big stones on her chest. “I just don’t understand,” Josie gasped. “I don’t understand why you did that.”
Her mother was quiet on the other end. Josie tried to imagine where she was. Another coast? Another island? Another planet? She hadn’t seen her mother’s face in four years, and already, her memory had begun to fade like an old photograph.
Her mother still hadn’t answered, but she was still there, waiting quietly.
“How could you leave like that?” Josie asked a final time.
Her mother sniffed. Was she crying? Was she capable of feeling anything?
“We just couldn’t do it anymore,” Cindy finally said. Her words were tear-filled and taut.
“Couldn’t do what?” Josie demanded.
“We just couldn’t do it. We didn’t know how,” Cindy said.
Josie’s head throbbed with confusion. How was it possible that she’d asked a question and ended up more confused?
“You didn’t know how to what? Be our parents?” Josie blared. “I mean, I would have expected that with me. But with Tara? You abandoned her when she needed you the most! You abandoned her when she stopped being the perfect daughter. You—”
But the line went dead because Cindy had hung up.
Josie stood beneath a gorgeous Nantucket blue sky and listened to the thud of her heart. Winnie picked a dandelion, held it up to her, and smiled. It was rare that the gardener allowed weeds like that to grow. But looking at the dandelion now, it was hard to believe anyone regarded such a brilliant flower as a weed.
“Where’s Mama?” Winnie asked.
“She’s busy, honey,” Josie said, picking Winnie up and carrying her toward the reception. She’d seen a few children at the ceremony. Maybe Winnie could make friends with them. Perhaps she’d slip in with the others, and everyone would be none the wiser about Winnie’s status as the wedding planner’s daughter. Winnie was social. She was happy. She was free from the constraints that sorrow brought upon you.
Josie put Winnie down near the cocktail hour and directed her toward the other children. Winnie scampered off and began to play with another little girl’s other doll. Josie kept one eye on her at all times as she scurried around the reception area, checking with Tara on what needed to be done and making sure the bride was having the very best day. Tara was such a brilliant actress that when she noticed it was Winnie playing with the other little kids, she hardly flinched. It wasn’t till later, when Winnie, Tara, and Josie collapsed back at home, that Tara grimaced and said to Josie, “Thank you for improvising.”
Josie’s heart leaped. She considered telling Tara that she’d called Donnie and he’d been drunk. But then Tara said, “Donnie called me an hour ago. He got held up at work. He said he wrote a note about it but accidentally put the note in his back pocket. You know how Donnie gets. He’s stressed. We’re all stressed. But we’re making it work. For our future. For Winnie’s future. Right, Winn?”
Winnie giggled. Josie’s heart sank.
I can’t keep picking up the pieces of Donnie’s mistakes. But even as she thought it, she knew that when it came to Winnie, she would do anything to keep her safe. She loved that girl more than she loved herself.